Leelee168

Hi,

I'm really struggling today with being isolated and getting past the hurt and disappointment of a relationship that was ruined with his alcoholism and abuse. I'm lonely from the loss of mutual friends and it's been so hard trying to meet new people, or even reconnect with old friends. I've been making an effort to do this and feel like I'm falling flat.

We're also trying to settle the house issue and I'm having to leave the home that we bought together, which was really our "dream" home, and I am having trouble finding somewhere to go and facing homelessness if I don't. I want to buy a new home and what is available right now isn't nearly what I have now--and I know it sounds spoiled and selfish to say I want similar to what I have now. I sold a nice home that I bought, brand new, to buy this place with him. I feel like I am losing everything and he is losing nothing. I have tried to really think this through and what I feel is...used. And that is so hurtful; I really did love him.

I'm just overwhelmed. I don't have much support here because I moved to this city for my job and all I really know are work people now. There's the shame element of being with this alcoholic abuser.

The struggle bus is on my doorstep today. Any kind thoughts appreciated. Thanks.

Bernadette

Jump on the SR bus, we struggle and laugh together!!

Oh Leelee168, change is so hard. Of course you will feel low and lonely during these massive changes, and angry at how things turned out.

I lost a lot of material things when my exH and I split, I lived for the next 10 years in a place that I didn't really love and that wasn't anywhere near my dream abode. But I could afford it, and the location for work etc., was fine.

But the peace of mind and the freedom to solve all my financial problems without the stress of that bad marriage was priceless. It was worth the struggle, and I grew so much and have created the life I really want. Things do get better, don't look back, that's not the way you're going. The past is gone, you are free in this moment.

Maybe this will be an interim time, can you rent a place you can afford for a while until you figure out what the next best place to buy is? Can you settle for a little less right now just to secure a safe space and peace of mind? You're under a lot of stress right now, in a few months and a year from now you will have a different perspective. Do you have a therapist to help you sort out your thinking? I had a great therapist the year after my divorce.

meanwhile when I can't find a friend I try (TRY) to be a friend to myself: get a massage, pedicure, go to a movie by myself get a big popcorn, hang out in the bookstore etc. Get my fave take out or eat out with a magazine. Self-care is always the first step.

(((((hugs)))))
Peace,
B

PuzzledHeart

Why buy a home? Why not work on being free instead?

You moved to this new place and new city that you're so-so about. Give yourself some time to make a decision on what you want to do before you set roots.

When my ex-fiance broke up with me , my closest friends all lived two hours, if not more, away from me. His friends were no longer my friends, and I was starting out from scratch.

The first six months felt so lonely, and I didn't connect immediately with anyone from the get go. I decided to pursue music more seriously, because honestly, what else was I going to do with my evenings? I found a great group of people that years later are still my dearest friends, even if we no longer perform together.

All those avenues that you subconsciously closed off because you were "with him" have suddenly opened again. Grad school? New career? Another new city? Heck, you could even dare to chuck it all and walk the Appalachian Trail or even travel around the world.

Look, there's nothing wrong with buying a house, but why not try another path?

teatreeoil007

Sorry you are struggling so much, but there is no shame in struggling....It's know it's so so hard to leave your home, especially if it is your dream home....so very hard....hang in there and I just wanted to give some support and encouragement.

I sometimes wonder what would happen if my earthly goods and surroundings were gone. What would I do do? Been in my current home for over 20 years now. Take care. Sending a big hug.

Clover71

((Hugs))

You aren't alone. Even though I know our eventual split up is right for me, I still mourn the loss of the dreams. I just went back to work full time and this was the time when we were supposed to buy a home again and would "never" struggle for money. When I do get my own place, I'm going to do my best to make it pretty and make it my own - and I won't be able to buy. Sometimes I think about Sleeping with the Enemy when Julia Roberts' character finds that cute house and how happy she is there. I know that probably sounds corny

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you, it is so painful when a relationship ends. When my thinking is in disaster-mode I tend to think globally and project all sorts of unpleasant scenarios. What works better is to just do the next right thing and keep your focus in today. The support of Alanon is a godsend that carried me through my toughest days. A big hug.

Lizajane

Leelee,
Do you attend meetings? Sounds like a good day to go. Face to face encounters are so powerful when we are drowning in negative feelings. You need other feelings to focus on. Can you get out with friends or family? You need a distraction. These are legitimate reasons to be angry/sad but drowning in it is not helpful. Moving backward financially is very upsetting but truthfully, you will adjust and build a home situation that is guaranteed to make you happier than you had. It might not be better than you dreamed, but it will be better than you actually had. At the end of all this...just think...you are free to build a life and dream for yourself! Nothing holding you back.

FeelingGreat

Leelee, do you have a meeting or a counsellor to unload your perfectly legitimate and understandable feelings? It doesn't have to be a friend, in fact a neutral ear is often better. Why not start with your doctor? If you don't have one yet, book a long appointment and tell them everything. Family doctors have knowledge of many resources they can refer you to. When I was at my worst point of crisis I turned up at a new doctor and cried for half an hour, and he was great.

Although you're attached to your big dream house, what a price you've paid. Try to detach yourself from the bricks and mortar (which he is unlikely to keep BTW)and focus on what you'll be doing for your future, unencumbered by his sabotage.

I know you've had a setback in your dream life but you're not alone. Time will go by and you'll make up and exceed your dreams. It doesn't happen right away but the journey is part of the dream too. I'm not theorising - its happened to me too.

Michsm

Leelee,

I am right there with you. Living with relatives right now for about 3 weeks and couldn't get out of bed yesterday. My soon to be x husband created this mess and his living in our home right now just enjoying himself while I am the one put out. He refuses to get served and my attorney bill keeps escalating. I feel stuck, ready to move on with my own place but cannot do anything until the house sells which he is dragging it out. I had moments of just giving up and going back, would be so much easier BUT I think of all the yelling, insults, name calling and drinking and the moment passes. He cannot avoid divorcing me or selling the house but this is not going fast enough for me. As soon as we have an accepted offer on the home, I can put an offer in on my own home and move forward but for now...I am miserable and ready to move on.