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-   -   Do I Tell AH where I'm at if I go to Al Anon (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/427748-do-i-tell-ah-where-im-if-i-go-al-anon.html)

madgirl 05-17-2018 10:25 AM

Do I Tell AH where I'm at if I go to Al Anon
 
Brief story: I'm an alcoholic, sober for two years and two months. My AH has progressed in his alcoholism and is verbally abusive. Last night he was raging about my not having purchased his favorite brand of cereal, and that I am not justified in asking him to do dishes on Mother's Day or help bring groceries in because I am not sleeping with him.

I know it sounds crazy, but I am terrified he can kick me out because I'm not "a proper wife" and that I'll be destitute.

I have a good full-time job and benefits, but for some reason, after these very scary tirades and then him being so scary sitting alone in the dark that I am afraid to go to sleep - I just feel - paralyzed.

I found an Al Anon meeting near my house and want to go. IF I tell him, which he'll expect to know where I'm at as the meeting is a 7pm, he will be SO MAD and I'm scared.

How do you handle this?

BlownOne 05-17-2018 11:03 AM

If it were me, my very first move would be to call a domestic violence center and ask for some help. It doesn't sound like a very safe situation to be in. And TBH, your husband (from the way it sounds in your post) isn't a very nice person.

Mango212 05-17-2018 11:09 AM

(((( gentle hugs ))))

How do I handle this? Prayer and reaching out for help. I started with Alanon and later reached out to domestic violence help centers as I became aware of the abusive relationships in my life.


When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, let the hand of Al-Anon and Alateen always be there, and Let it Begin With Me.

A Special Word to Anyone Confronted By Violence

Al-Anon's gentle process unfolds gradually, over time. But those of us facing violent, potentially life-threatening situations may have to make immediate choices to ensure safety for ourselves and our children. This may mean arranging for a safe house with a neighbor or friend, calling for police protection, or leaving money and an extra set of car keys where they can be collected at any time in case of emergency.

It is not necessary to decide how to resolve the situation once and for all --- only how to get out of harm's way until this process of awareness, acceptance, and action can free us to make choices for ourselves that we can live with.

Anyone who has been physically or sexually abused or even threatened may be terrified of taking action at all. It can require every ounce of courage and faith to act decisively. But no one has to accept violence. No matter what seems to trigger the attack, we all deserve to be safe.

Tapping Other Resources

Al-Anon's purpose is to help families and friends of alcoholics. We come together to find help and support in dealing with the effects of alcoholism. In time we discover that the principles of our program can be practiced "in all our affairs."

But there are times when, in order to work through especially challenging circumstances, we may need more specialized support from mental, spiritual, physical, or legal advisors. Many of us have benefited from taking care of these needs in addition to coming to Al-Anon.
Pray. Listen. Go with your gut. Stay safe.

You're asking good questions. There have been times when my co-workers asked where I was and I'm comfortable now with saying, meeting with friends. Are you in AA? Perhaps it was suffice to honestly say you're going to a Step Meeting, or 12-step meeting.

madgirl 05-17-2018 11:10 AM

He's drunk when he rages, but even when sober, he feels really, really pissed off because I am not sleeping with him.

I don't know how to articulate this - but - is it my fault for not sleeping with him? If I were a "proper wife", would he be happier and more open to stop drinking? The thought of sleeping with him is not appealing at all, because he's mean to me.

I get how this looks on paper. God. I swear I'm smart in other areas of my life.

tomsteve 05-17-2018 11:13 AM

if he were a proper husband he wouldnt be a controlling, abusive,angry asshat with a wife that doesnt want to sleep in the same bed.
this has NOTHING to do with being a proper wife.

madgirl 05-17-2018 11:14 AM

I want to go to an Al Anon meeting next Tuesday night, near our house.

Our son graduates from high school on May 25.

This is a nightmare. I feel so alone and without options. He is really sweet to people outside the home - my own mother doesn't really truly believe me, I think. I feel insane.

Mango212 05-17-2018 11:15 AM

Emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse.

I understand that insane feeling. I understand the "show" that is put on for other people. I grew up in that kind of situation. It is very scary.

It is not your fault.

SparkleKitty 05-17-2018 11:17 AM

madgirl, it's your body and yours alone. You don't have to do anything you are uncomfortable doing for ANYONE else's sake.

There is NOTHING that you can do to make him "happier" or get him to stop drinking. Please free yourself from thinking that is your burden. Happiness is an inside job.

To that end, focus on what you can do to take care of YOU. If you are concerned about his reaction to your going to Al-Anon, then don't tell him. It's for YOU, not about HIM.

And please consider calling a domestic violence help line. I know you want to tell yourself it's not that bad...but it's bad, madgirl and you need help before it gets worse.

Sending big hugs.

Mango212 05-17-2018 11:21 AM

Madgirl, congratulations on your sobriety. You are important. You have a birthright to be happy, free and joyful.

https://i.imgur.com/llsalDS.jpg

madgirl 05-17-2018 11:34 AM

Was I wrong to ask him to do the dishes on Mother's Day because I'm not sleeping with him and a proper wife? I'm a really good mother, especially these last two years -

madgirl 05-17-2018 11:35 AM

What really threw him over the edge was when I told him he could have stopped to pick up his brand of cereal as he had time to stop and buy vodka - that threw him into a very scary place

Mango212 05-17-2018 11:37 AM

One has nothing to do with the other.

You get to ask for help. He gets to say "No.", if he wants. He does not have the right to be emotionally and verbally abusive.

You have the right to not sleep with him. "No." is a complete sentence. It needs no explanation.

Are you able to make a phone call to a local domestic violence help center?

choublak 05-17-2018 11:56 AM

Does he consider himself a “proper husband?”

madgirl 05-17-2018 12:00 PM


Originally Posted by Mango212 (Post 6899001)
One has nothing to do with the other.

You get to ask for help. He gets to say "No.", if he wants. He does not have the right to be emotionally and verbally abusive.

You have the right to not sleep with him. "No." is a complete sentence. It needs no explanation.

Are you able to make a phone call to a local domestic violence help center?

He hasn't been physically violent. No one would believe me - I'm telling you - outsiders think he hung the moon and that he dotes on me. My sister gets it, though.

We have a beautiful house, and a full finished basement. My parents have no money and I am anticipating needing to look after them when they can't live alone anymore.

If I called a domestic abuse hotline, he could throw me out.

Mango212 05-17-2018 12:00 PM


Originally Posted by choublak (Post 6899023)
Does he consider himself a “proper husband?”

My story: My husband considers himself to be a proper husband. I still get the right to not sleep with him. One day at a time, for any length of time it becomes. This is a life changing experience I'm going through in my recovery. I'm not currently ready for a physically intimate relationship, even with this man I am married to.

madgirl 05-17-2018 12:01 PM

I have tried countless times to explain to him that you can't bully a woman into falling in love, it doesn't work.

CentralOhioDad 05-17-2018 12:04 PM


Originally Posted by madgirl (Post 6899031)
If I called a domestic abuse hotline, he could throw me out.

Use the phone at work, use a friend's phone, use your sister's phone, use a payphone (if you can find one).

Mango212 05-17-2018 12:08 PM


Originally Posted by madgirl (Post 6899031)
He hasn't been physically violent. No one would believe me - I'm telling you - outsiders think he hung the moon and that he dotes on me. My sister gets it, though.

We have a beautiful house, and a full finished basement. My parents have no money and I am anticipating needing to look after them when they can't live alone anymore.

If I called a domestic abuse hotline, he could throw me out.

We are here with you. For you.

You're reaching out. This is a good thing.

This can be a dangerous time during an abusive relationship.

The phone call to a help center can help keep you safe. It is completely confidential.

Some centers have a weekly meeting, often at a safe house with a secret location. Being able to visit these places has surrounded me with layers of safety I needed, when I didn't know I needed this.

madgirl 05-17-2018 12:16 PM

So if call a center, they'll ..... give me advice? Tell me to come to a shelter?

madgirl 05-17-2018 12:16 PM

What if people think I'm overreacting to an argument? And maybe secretly think that's what she gets for not sleeping with her husband?


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