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Do I Tell AH where I'm at if I go to Al Anon

Old 05-17-2018, 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by madgirl View Post
Even the fact that you are coaching me on this, and that everyone here is telling me to call a DV center (!?) and that I can't see the full danger of this means I'm really not very smart - how can I not recognize it? How have I lived with this for so long? Am I an idiot?
This is very real: these feelings flowing. I know them well.

It has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence. It has everything to do with how the target of the abuse manages to survive. The way my brain protected me was to hide the severity of the abuse from me.

Once I started learning more about this, I felt as if I had betrayed myself. The further my healing progresses, I was able to make peace with this.
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:29 PM
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Originally Posted by madgirl View Post
I guess because I'm afraid people won't consider this REAL abuse. I truly know how this looks, but honestly, deep down, I feel like I deserve it. I know how psycho this sounds. I really do. But that is the core feeling.
That is the feeling many victims of domestic abuse feel - that it is somehow their fault. Those trained in helping you when you call or visit will expect you to feel that way. It does not sound "psycho" at all or have any reflection on intelligence. In a way addiction is very similar - we know better in every sense of the word, but we still deny it somehow.

Getting outside help from those trained to do so is the best way to go about it.
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:37 PM
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Madgirl...we should never be fearful and afraid in our own home. If you fear your husband, you have reason to feel that way. It is abuse and you do not deserve that. Please contact the Domestic Violence Center. (((HUGS)))
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:39 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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I've called three different hotlines in different cities, multiple times, where I live and as I traveled. I needed different help each time I called. Mostly, I was spinning a safe support network around me, without realizing it.

Holy kamolee, it was hard to make each of those calls!!

I did it in steps. Looking up info. Knowing how. It took some time.
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by madgirl View Post
I guess because I'm afraid people won't consider this REAL abuse. I truly know how this looks, but honestly, deep down, I feel like I deserve it. I know how psycho this sounds. I really do. But that is the core feeling.
Oh it's real abuse, please don't doubt that.

As mentioned, this is a result of abuse.

You love someone, you marry them. In the beginning it was probably a happy time, or mostly, or at least sometimes!

You open yourself up to them, you are vulnerable to them, you depend on them to some degree. Things start to change - a snip here a snap there. Then it's an insult, whether about you physically or your intellect.

Now, it's easy to say hey, don't take that from anyone! However, you have been slowly conditioned to "take that". You trusted this person, you love or loved them and they are telling you that you are less than a wife should be because you don't want to sleep with them, for example.

How much does that hurt? How cruel is that? Did he ask for the two of you to sit down and talk about it, gently? Does he worry about your feelings on the matter. Did he suggest where the two of you could get some help?

Or is he just demanding his perceived "rights" to your body?

That's abuse.
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:45 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Right before I left two years ago, right around the time I got sober, he told me I'd never be able to get sober on my own, that no one else would ever want to marry me, and that if I wanted to stay, he was going to charge me rent because I'd recently opened up my own checking account and my paycheck was direct deposited into that - he wanted to charge me rent because I wasn't a "real wife" because I wasn't sleeping with him.

I think he feels entitled to sex because I am married to him. There is alot out there to put this in his mind - and I know it's not just him that thinks that like this.

I swear to God, I just can't.
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:48 PM
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I left because it was sheer chaos and I was afraid of him. I stayed with my parents. It was incredibly humiliating. There I was, 43 years old, with my parents. I looked at apartments, I talked to an attorney. Very scary stuff. My son was in 10th grade and it was awful
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:50 PM
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Anyway, he stalked me day and night on text, made me feel HORRIBLE guilt, I was a bad mother, etc. - then one day when I said "if I'm so awful, why are you trying to get me to stay?" - then he changed it up, and promised he'd help around the house, and that he wouldn't charge me rent, and we could buy a new house and be a family. That he would slow down on the drinking to support me.

I moved back home. We bought the house. I have stayed completely, absolutely sober and have enjoyed rediscovering reading, watching movies, being of service to friends, being a sweeter, better person with my family, and most of all, being very tuned in and a good mother. My son and I are very close.
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:51 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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madgirl......other normal happy couples do not "fight like this". You are being subjected to chronic emotional abuse....and it is wrong for you to be treated this way. It is not your fault! He is the one who is in the wrong...and, he has no right to do so.

I do encourage you to consider ma king a call to the domestic violence organization that is closest to you. Remember that you do not have to be hit to be abused....there are lots of different types of abuse...one of them being emotional abuse. It can be just as damaging as physical abuse...it has all kinds of effects...over time, it can wear down your self confidence and self esteem. It can cause you to doubt your own self and your own thoughts....it can ca use one to feel like it is even difficult to think...or, to feel like in a sort of fog. And, of course, it can make you fearful....I think your fear is your inner voice trying to protect you in a potentially dangerous situation. You are not crazy---far from it. You are having normal reactions to a very unnatural situation.
Your desire to get support and help is a healthy thing.....it is the right thing for you to do for yourself....

We always say safety first. You will find that the folks who work at the domestic violence service are very compassionate and understanding people...and, they are, above all....not judgemental. They do this kind of work every day and are very familiar with what your situation is like. Their only goal is to help you, and keep you safe. They are totally confidential and do everything they can to protect your identity. They are not a government organization and will not contact your husband or give you away. You don't even have to give his name.
You can just call them an explain your situation, just like you have, to us. You are not obligated todo anything you don't want to do...and, they will always respect your wishes.
Just talking to someone who has your back can be such a relief. Just to know that your have someone that you can call at any time you need to. They can help you develop a safety plan, should you ever need it...and they have many resources to help, that you may not be aware of. They can offer you counseling....at hours and in places that you can access without having to tell your husband.
You are not obligated to tell your husband anything. This is for you and your own welfare...and you have every right to that. If you were ever put on a spot...you can always say that it is a woman's personal improvement group....t hat you need to maintain your sobriety.....(not exactly a lie).....
I know that you may be nervous to call...but, remember that the first call is the most difficult step to make....and, after that, it is much easier for you to talk....

Also, you don't ever have to be intimate with anyone that you don't want to. Remember that your body is a temple, and no one is entitled to it, but yourself.

You have every right to take care of your own welfare.....
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:53 PM
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But his drinking didn't stop. It has escalated to vodka and tequila. I am really not sure how much he drinks. I suspect he hides some of it from me. Most recently, he was incredibly awful on a beach trip we went on with some other families.

I just wish he would stop this. Our son is about to graduate next week. He's going to college locally the first year. My sister is having her first baby at 38 in September and I want to be a doting Aunt. There is so much that is good in life - why does he want to be so horrible to me? Is it really the no sex? Someone mentioned that if it's not the sex, he'd just find something else to rage about.

God, why????
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Old 05-17-2018, 02:11 PM
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madgirl......the alcoholism erodes the mind and the spirit, as it progresses...and it always progresses over time. The alcohol also changes the actual brain....it actually causes physical changes in the brain.....
I can give you the name of a book that explains this...but, right now, that won't change his behavior to you....Right now...your safety and mental health is the most important thing.
Trust me....if he wasn't complaining about the sex thing...it would always be something else....like--the Mother's Day dishes! or some other equally unfair thing. Alcoholics always seem to need someone or something else to blame...to keep the focus off of them.
Sex should be a natural expression of love...not a duty to be performed to please someone else. lol...I have been in the medical field for many years, and I have , yet, to see any man die from lack of sex....but, I have seen many of them die from alcohol....
I don't see him as someone who is about to stop. I do see it as getting worse, though.....
You deserve a better life.....
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Old 05-17-2018, 03:01 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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Starting fresh with the idea of the Al-anon meeting:

Pretend all the rest of this is gone (I adore this re-focusing technique, though it may need practice - it allows me the freedom to set down problems for a bit) and you are simply looking at the experience of being at this meeting. You could begin orienting yourself with what Al-anon is, what the meeting may be like.

You can make a choice to visit this location sometime before then, to be more familiar with the location in this context, that has acceptance and welcoming people.

You can root for your own success and start seeing opportunities around you. These things, even before going to a meeting or making a phone call, can help.
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Old 05-17-2018, 03:29 PM
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This is my story about calling the DV hotline

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-hotline.html (Calling the Domestic Violence Hotline)

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

take care of yourself
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Old 05-17-2018, 03:57 PM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by madgirl View Post
Even the fact that you are coaching me on this, and that everyone here is telling me to call a DV center (!?) and that I can't see the full danger of this means I'm really not very smart - how can I not recognize it? How have I lived with this for so long? Am I an idiot?

Not smart? I've been thinking about this thread all day at work and am just getting caught up on it. You are very smart and brave. Your instincts brought you here for help, not once but twice. You also stopped drinking when you knew it was impacting your life.

I understand the verbal abuse thing and how it's easy to brush it aside because there are no bruises. Someone like your husband (and my dad) can seem like the greatest guy to the outside world. The thing is they treated everyone else better than their own families so they could get a pat on the back

Never sleep with someone if you don't want to. Why would you want to sleep with him?

I hope you are able to get some help. I do worry about your situation. Can you record your interactions without being caught? Does your son know? I wouldn't tell him I was going to alanon if I were you
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Old 05-17-2018, 04:00 PM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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I have a question for you, and I don't mean it to be hurtful. Did you ever wish he would just haul off and hit you?
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Old 05-17-2018, 04:18 PM
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No, I donít want him to hit me. I understand why you asked that, though.
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Old 05-17-2018, 04:19 PM
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He is making that first drink now. His mood is good. He is acting like nothing is wrong.
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Old 05-17-2018, 04:22 PM
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My son is at home tonight so he might just leave me alone. Im going to Al Anon on Tues night and not telling him.
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Old 05-17-2018, 04:23 PM
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It actually crossed my mind to stop and buy that stupid cereal on my way home from work, but I didnít.
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Old 05-17-2018, 04:35 PM
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Nothing you do can make him "happy". It's not you, it's him. Just take care of yourself. You can't "confront" or talk about anything when an A is drinking. It could be dangerous for you. But walking around on eggshells waiting for someone to fall asleep and hoping that the floor doesn't creek and wake them up is a horrible way to live. My AH isn't abusive in the same sense, but I know what it does to me.
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