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Do I Tell AH where I'm at if I go to Al Anon

Old 05-17-2018, 12:19 PM
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Originally Posted by madgirl View Post
What if people think I'm overreacting to an argument? And maybe secretly think that's what she gets for not sleeping with her husband?
if youre referring to people on a DV hotline or DV center,
not gonna happen.
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:19 PM
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Originally Posted by madgirl View Post
What if people think I'm overreacting to an argument? And maybe secretly think that's what she gets for not sleeping with her husband?
Well none of us here think that, so that's a start.
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:24 PM
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Here's a self assessment:

https://www.domesticshelters.org/dom...motional-abuse
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:26 PM
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Please contact a DV hotline, he may not be beating you physically but he is emotionally abusive and you don’t feel safe. That’s just as much abuse as physical. But since you cannot see physical evidence poeple tend to worry about it less (including the people being abused emotionally).
I think alanon would be helpful but I also think that individual counseling might me much better right now. Anyway you can go to counseling or alanon during your work day?
As are manipulative and often tend to be wonderful people to the outside world while at home things are much different (actually I think that goes for a lot of abusers in general). That doesn’t mean it isn’t happening to you and that you fear for your safety. DV center can help you take the right steps.
And you’re not sleeping with him because he’s not a proper husband, not because you’re not a proper wife. Don’t let him gaslight you. You shouldn’t have had to ask him about doing the dishes on mother’s day. He should’ve done that without being asked. Nothing you did or said was unreasonable at all. He’s just making you believe it and doubt yourself (gaslighting).
This isn’t going to get better, it will only get worse. If you fear for your safety if you go to an alanon meeting or contact a DV violence ็enter then you are not safe. Please take care of yourself. The threats and emotional abuse is exactly why so many people stay in abusive relationships, because they fear what happens to them when they finally take a stand. That’s why it is so important for you to contact DV hotline, they can help you. Call from work/ a friend house etc. You can’t keep living like this. You did nothing wrong. You got clean and sober and he probably doesn’t like that because now you see him for what he is.
You also can’t take care of your parents in your current situation. Everyone would be at risk.
I know this is really scary for you. Taking the first step will be hard but you deserve to not be afraid and be treated like crap. Do you have a friend you can confide in so someone knows what is going on?
Please call the hotline. You deserve better than this!
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:26 PM
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The scars of domestic violence are usually deeper than those from other types of trauma. Prolonged abuse that occurs in the home, the place where we are supposed to feel safe, leaves a different kind of scar.

For adult women and men who are or were in an abusive relationship with an intimate partner, domestic violence counseling offers help to:

Assess the lethality of the situation

Focus on developing and implementing a safety plan

Connect the victim/survivor with effective resources

Offer emotional support and domestic violence education

Abuse may be emotional, psychological, verbal, physical, spiritual, and/or sexual. Counseling can be face-to-face with a counselor. Or, it can be in a support group for women with other abused women, facilitated by trained counselors. Some centers have groups or individual counseling for abused men.

All services are free of charge and confidential


Each time I called, I received understanding, kindness and acceptance. It took some time before I decided to meet with in person help. I wasn't judged or bullied about this.

No need to hurry. I was given all the time I needed on this journey. That was ultra-important. To learn to trust my own instincts. The listening of others who understood this greatly helped. I heard good information and options available to me.
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:27 PM
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I would personally go to the meeting and not tell him if that's possible. Can you say you're going to a friend's or something and have your friend cover for you? I will confess when I was still with my XRAH and he was actively drinking I 100% lied about where I was going when I went to meetings...and he wasn't abusive, but he was judgmental and would have annoyed me to death talking about how dumb it was so I didn't want the aggravation...normally lying of course isn't right but all the rules change when dealing with an active A spouse especially when they are emotionally abusive and scary.

I'd also call the DV hotline from a friend's phone if you think he's looking at your phone.....and yes they will definitely help you get a safe plan to leave.
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:35 PM
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I feel so terrified, and also off balance - a sense of unreality, if that makes any sense. This morning I woke up alone in my bed and in a rush it all came back to me and my first thought was that I need to smooth things over so things calm down. This is why I came here, to Friends and Family, because I read all of your posts and the fact that I immediately felt sick and stressed to try to return some "normalcy" seemed like other posters here -
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:38 PM
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I feel absolutely no cravings myself for alcohol, in fact, I am repulsed by it. Absolutely sickened by it. Just the sight of a clear glass full of ice cubes and clear liquid makes me feel panicky - because I know he's drinking, and the night will be unpredictable. If I'm lucky, he'll go to sleep while we're watching TV. If I'm unlucky - it's a night of grousing about politics and such. Last night I was especially over the edge because I'd been at a chemo center with a dear friend who has ovarian cancer, and she is worried about keeping her job and health insurance. When I got home I was upset about her situation and that got him fired up.

He told me that I am stupid and want to give everyone free healthcare, then started in on me about asking him to do dishes on Mother's Day, and that I didn't buy his favorite cereal. I explained to him that I'm not his employee - and he said I don't deserve any help because I am not a proper wife.

God. This looks so crazy when I type it out.
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:41 PM
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But the WORST part was - he was sitting in the front parlor with all of the lights off, a drink in hand. Not doing anything - just staring at me with a truly scary expression. I RAN upstairs and cleaned the bathrooms and carpets, then folded laundry. I snuck back downstairs and he was still there. I got the dogs and went upstairs, but I was afraid to go to sleep. He's never been physically violent, but for some reason I was really afraid of him last night.
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:42 PM
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When my 18 yo son got in from work around 11, he acted completely NORMAL. Friendly, happy. I could hear them laughing and talking from upstairs.

His anger was in secret. And it was directed at me.
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:43 PM
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*hugs* I'm sorry you are going through this, I remember all to well the feelings of fear and anxiety I used to feel when I was still married to my qualifier.

I have some questions, you don't have to actually answer them so we can read your answers, but you may want to ask them of yourself.

Why did you decide to get sober? What steps have you taken to achieve and maintain your sobriety? Do you have a support network for that?... would any of the answers to those questions help you going forward?

What do you fear will happen if your husband knows you went to an alanon meeting? Are you scared for your physical well being?

Intimacy with a spouse is predicated on trust. Of course you don't feel romantically inclined towards a man who is behaving towards you the way he is. Who the heck in their right mind would want to?!

Take lots of deep belly breaths, it helps to keep the anxiety under control.

It's hard not to feel crazy when someone has been treating you the way your husband has been treating you. But you aren't crazy, you know in your bones, he is the one that is crazy, crazy with the disease of alcoholism. This isn't your cross to bear, I hope you manage to put it down.

*hugs*
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:44 PM
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He's never been physically violent, but for some reason I was really afraid of him last night.


Trust these feelings. Trust these instincts you're having.
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:44 PM
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Do other couples fight like this? I know my sister gets super tired of hearing about him, and I think she thinks less of me for not leaving him. I tried before, two years ago. I tried to leave. IT WAS AWFUL. He made me feel terrible - said I was a horrible mother, breaking up a home and impacting our son.
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty View Post
*hugs* I'm sorry you are going through this, I remember all to well the feelings of fear and anxiety I used to feel when I was still married to my qualifier.

I have some questions, you don't have to actually answer them so we can read your answers, but you may want to ask them of yourself.

Why did you decide to get sober? What steps have you taken to achieve and maintain your sobriety? Do you have a support network for that?... would any of the answers to those questions help you going forward?

What do you fear will happen if your husband knows you went to an alanon meeting? Are you scared for your physical well being?

Intimacy with a spouse is predicated on trust. Of course you don't feel romantically inclined towards a man who is behaving towards you the way he is. Who the heck in their right mind would want to?!

Take lots of deep belly breaths, it helps to keep the anxiety under control.

It's hard not to feel crazy when someone has been treating you the way your husband has been treating you. But you aren't crazy, you know in your bones, he is the one that is crazy, crazy with the disease of alcoholism. This isn't your cross to bear, I hope you manage to put it down.

*hugs*
I got sober because I had been reading here on Newcomers, and realized my drinking was causing my anxiety and depression, and was completely ashamed and broken. I desperately wanted to respect myself and cultivate an inner peace. Also, a friend of ours committed suicide - he was an end stage alcoholic. This really rattled me.

To maintain sobriety, I read Newcomers nearly every day. I commit to "no matter what happens today, I will not drink." I am very proud of my new behaviors, my peace in the mornings (no hangover).

I do not have a support network (A.A. or an in-person group) but I am not against it, either. I work full time, travel for work some and maintain the house. I am very busy with these things, even on weekends.

I'm afraid if I go to Al Anon and H knows about it, that he will fight with me like he did last night. It is very confusing - I will somehow feel that it's MY FAULT at the end of these tirades.
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:51 PM
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Do other couples have domestic violence issues?

Yes. Many do.

Do people find healing from this?

Yes. Many do. By reaching out, building a support network from others who understand. Friends and family members often don't get it.

Do some couples have healthy relationships without bullying?

Many. We can learn how to have this in our lives, too.
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:53 PM
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No. He would only find some other reason to rage at you. You deserve more.

Hugs.

Originally Posted by madgirl View Post
I don't know how to articulate this - but - is it my fault for not sleeping with him? If I were a "proper wife", would he be happier and more open to stop drinking? The thought of sleeping with him is not appealing at all, because he's mean to me.

I get how this looks on paper. God. I swear I'm smart in other areas of my life.
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by madgirl View Post
What if people think I'm overreacting to an argument? And maybe secretly think that's what she gets for not sleeping with her husband?
Hi Madgirl,

For the domestic violence hotline, they will let you know what options are available to you for housing, financial help, safety. It is completely confidential, you don't actually have to do anything if you don't want to.

Remember they hear stories of domestic abuse each and every day, it's their job to know how to deal with it and to guide you.

As for people thinking you are overreacting, why is that an issue for you? If you mean the domestic violence people, no way will they judge you on that, again, they understand abuse.
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:03 PM
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So, you got sober to have a healthier and happier life. I'm really glad you are not drinking any more, that's huge. Congratulations for turning your life around. I'm very glad to hear that despite this marital stress the thought of drinking repulses you.

It's hard to have a happy life when we are being emotionally abused and manipulated into believing it's our own fault. I've been in that relationship, it sucked.

A book called, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie, changed my life. I hope you will give it a read or a listen, it is available in audiobook format.

This is just a thought.... but if your husband is angry and mean with you anyways, why not at least take a break from the house and get some support at an alanon meeting? (Please don't do anything you think will lead to physical violence)

You got sober to have a better life, please keep making improvements to your life a priority, that is the best example you can set for your son.
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Hi Madgirl,

For the domestic violence hotline, they will let you know what options are available to you for housing, financial help, safety. It is completely confidential, you don't actually have to do anything if you don't want to.

Remember they hear stories of domestic abuse each and every day, it's their job to know how to deal with it and to guide you.

As for people thinking you are overreacting, why is that an issue for you? If you mean the domestic violence people, no way will they judge you on that, again, they understand abuse.
I guess because I'm afraid people won't consider this REAL abuse. I truly know how this looks, but honestly, deep down, I feel like I deserve it. I know how psycho this sounds. I really do. But that is the core feeling.
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:06 PM
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Even the fact that you are coaching me on this, and that everyone here is telling me to call a DV center (!?) and that I can't see the full danger of this means I'm really not very smart - how can I not recognize it? How have I lived with this for so long? Am I an idiot?
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