Does it ever stop hurting
 

I was dating a man I loved who was a closeted alcoholic ..high functioning i guess is what they are called. I knew he drank a lot and always tried to get me to drink with him. He up and left me the 1st time i told him i didnt want to hang with his drinking buddy. His new neighbor who collects disability therefore doesn't work because of his cirrhosis of the liver. Now I'm dealing with the pain and depression he left me. I'd kill for him to come back. I'd kill for anything he'd give me. I've almost lost my job and myself to losing him.

Suspected AL throws gf away
as dating a guy for 2 months. Every weekend we hung out...every day we talked and texted. Sometimes we hung out during the week. But Every weekend we went out movies, dates, food ,etc everything revolved around sneaking booze in or buying booze there. I only saw him drink 2 shots at a time during the day they wait and drink about 5 mixed drinks at nite., daily. 3 weeks before he dumped me he got a new neighbor who drinks all day long because he has cirrhosis of the liver and get disabilty. He started hanging and drinking with this neighbor nightly until he kicked me.to the curb. And I'm not sure why he's enjoying his neighbor time more than having a gf. Suddenly

So sorry you are hurting, it does suck.
I know it doesn't seem like it now, you are better off without him. You are worth more than that.

Hi Broken. I'm sorry for your hurt. It's a rotten thing to have to go thru. I have to say I agree with what COD said. You ARE worth more than that. And real men don't leave their girlfriends because their girlfriends don't want to hang out with drinking buddies. You can do better than someone that selfish and shallow.

I'd say you dodged a bullet.

Hi Broken,

I’m in the process of ending a relationship with a closeted high functioning A as well. Mine always tried to get me to drink with him too even though I’ve never been much of a drinker. I think it helps them to feel better about their habits if they can get others to join them. Over the course of our relationship, I saw him go from sweet, loving, and committed to selfish, irritable, and unreliable. The final straw was when he freaked out a few Saturdays ago and cancelled our plans together because he just “had to do his own thing” (translation: “Go drink what I want and as much as I want with my guy friends without you around to judge.”) When I questioned his logic, he said that he loves me but is tired of me always wanting to do things and spend time together while he’d rather do his “own thing.” (This guy is 39 btw). Basically, he loves and values himself, his fun and his booze more than me or our relationship. OUCH.

So I can relate to the feeling of wanting someone to “come back,” but is it the man he REALLY is that you miss or just the polished version of him that he presented in the beginning? Because like someone above said, any guy who breaks up with his girlfriend because he’d rather get smashed with his buddies is not someone capable of having a mature, healthy relationship in the first place.

If everything revolves around alcohol, that is a major red flag! Consider yourself lucky to be free of this guy.

The last week of our relationship I got the excuse of him needed "me time" and then he disappeared for
Two days after not seeing me all week which never happened before I questioned if our relationship was OK and he responded with "I'm just doing things around the house I don't get to do when ur always here". Im Assuming that meant drink all day with his buddies. He's never told me that before. I'm so confused on why he left

And I'm not sure why he's enjoying his neighbor time more than having a gf. Suddenly

its common for alkies to want to be around people that drink like them.

Wow. I’ve heard that excuse before too! “Don’t come up until after 5 because I’m getting ‘stuff’ done” (on a weekend). Or “Hey I actually can’t hang out today anymore, just have too much ‘stuff’ to do” (also on a weekend). At first, I thought what if he’s cheating on me? And then over time I realized he was ... but not with another woman. He was cheating on me with booze.

But why
 

Why do they push us away?? I didn't mind his alcohol intake

Because movies, dates, food and a girlfriend get in the way of his drinking. Not to be mean here but like the movie says “He’s just not that into you” as much as he is into his booze.

I agree that you dodged a bullet here.

I honestly don’t know ... I’ve asked myself that many times. Hopefully someone on here can answer that for the both of us!?

he has to sneak the drinking when hes around you and doesnt when hes not.

you may want to look at why you didnt mind how much he drinks and allowed it. the way it reads, youre very fortunate he set you free after only 2 months as it was only going to get worse.

I've told him I don't mind his drinking tho

well.....it was a very short interraction...two months right? and it didn't work out. he decided he didn't want to continue. that's just how it goes sometimes..........

It seems like it should be that simple, right?

Unfortunately, with addiction, anything that requires time and attention away from drinking eventually becomes an obstacle. He doesn't want to have to concern himself with a relationship at all.

I have to ask, however--why don't you mind his drinking? You deserve a partner who is present with you, not numbing his senses and emotions with a drug.

I'm with the others, at only two months in, I think you have dodged a bullet here. It sounds like your self-esteem could use a boost that doesn't come from being in a relationship with someone else, but from having a healthy relationship with yourself.

Hi Broken. I say this very gently: There probably isn't any answer to why. Sometimes things that happen between people just don't make any sense., especially when there is some manner of addiction involved. Don't drive yourself crazy looking for an answer that may not even exist. Use it as a learning experience and move on. FWIW, I can tell you with almost 100% certainty that continuing your relationship with this person would mean more misery and confusion and heartache down the road. There's a cliché we toss around here at SR sometimes that is actually pretty true: Alcoholics (or addicts) don't have relationships. They take hostages.

Sounds like a real role model there.

In my experience...alcoholics looove to be with their drinking buddies. They can drink in comfort without any other responsibilities or intrusions......
One explanation of this is that one of the neurotransmitters in the brain...dopamine....floods the pleasure/reward centers of the midbrain in a more rapid and intense level than other ordinary pleasurable activities.....

It is not, necessarily,, that they like the drinking buddies, so much, either....it is the freedom and ability to drink, unfettered, that they are so attracted to....

Oh boy can I relate to this. That polished man who never really existed. Maybe only in my dreams. It's so hard to let go of something that never really was.

But I sure don't miss that irritable, unreliable man, who just wanted to drink with his buddies, too. He just turned 40. Whiskey in his coffee, 10-20 beers a day and a flask on reserve. High functioning, for now....
Always has to be so cool. The center of attention. He tries to be the guy every guy wants to be. And has to be the guy every woman wants. He is exhausting to be around.

He was not always that way to me....but it wasn't real.

We just have to love ourselves more than to settle for who they really are. Hugs to everyone letting go of an A. Not always easy. Especially when loved them unconditionally and you're always looking for the good. :grouphug: