Angry with myself for being weak
 

So this happened today. Our family has a busy day of appointments. DD9 and DS12 have dentist at 3.15pm. Then DS12 has audiologist at 4pm at the hospital. DD20 has counselling at 2-3pm. I have grocery shopping to do. AH has a client to see at 5pm. So we decided this morning that I would take DD20 to counselling and fit the shopping in the hour she’s there. AH was to take the youngest two to the dentist then straight to the hospital. Then he’d drop them off before seeing his client.

As I’m leaving the house to take DD20 I notice an empty glass on the kitchen counter with an ice cube in it. One sniff confirms it had contained gin. I drove to the counselling session but could not get the fact that AH had been drinking out of my mind and he was due to drive the kids to their appointments. I rang my mum and asked her to collect DD20 so that I could go home. Forgot the shopping. AH was on his second gin when I got back. Surprised to see me but he didn’t argue, when I said I’d take the kids to the dentist as my mum was in town and collecting DD20 now. I chickened out of telling him the real reason I came home and changed our plans.

I should have confronted him and told him that him driving our children around after two gins was unacceptable. But I didn’t. Partly because I have I’m my head not to argue with someone that’s intoxicated. But I’m angry for being so weak. For not finding my voice. Should I wait until the morning and bring up the topic again? I just don’t know if there’s any point in even having the discussion with him because I know I’ll get nothing back except aggro. Denial that it’s a problem, anger from him mockery from him sarcasm from him. He’ll tell me I’m over reacting being over dramatic and ridiculous.

Sorry to vent I just felt I had nowhere else to turn.

I’m planning to leave one day. it’s just that I don’t know when. It’s hard being the one that has to turn everyone’s world upside down.

HE turned all your worlds upside down. Don't put the blame on you. If he wasn't an angry alcoholic, life would not be so miserable for you and your children.

I wouldn't bring it up - you're right, it will just cause a fuss.

Thankyou. I guess it’s just not how he will see it and how the kids will see it too. When he’s quite happy to maintain the status quo. I guess this is me putting my boundaries in place now. No more ever including him or expecting him to be involved in family plans and moving forward I make sure it doable for me on my own.

that is truly the best response...accept that he cannot be trusted, ever. and in fact, the more critical it is for him to step up, the more likely he will let you down.

no more. he's off the carpool list. he's off the grocery shopper list. EXPECT that he will ALWAYS put drinking FIRST.

it's sad, but it is what it is. i'm sorry buttons!

Then, no. I wouldn't say a word about it.

Boundaries are FOR YOU, not AGAINST HIM. You don't need to verbalize them, he doesn't need to accept them. They're still legit & real.

You just need to get comfortable with yourself enforcing them & with their judgment & discomfort - without prioritizing it ahead of your needs.

Baby steps - don't be too hard on yourself for not running like marathoner just yet. :hug:

I was in the same boat. I won't lie, it's hard. You have to find a support system and ask them for help. Get into the mentality that it takes a village. I did not make some huge deal w/my XAH. I told him very politely when he was sober that he would not be driving the kids anymore. Then stuck to it. I got a lot of anger, eyerolls, telling me what a POS I am. My kid's safety meant more.

Big hugs.

I don't see it as you being weak but getting stronger! That new found clarity is uncomfortable. Proud of you for taking care of your children in this situation. Hugs

Thank you. Yes I have been pondering on this all day!

Since I got home from the audiologist and dentist with the children and found AH had got halfway through a pack of beers as well whilst we were out and still drove to see his client ... I thought maybe ... this feeling of anger within myself is actually positive!

It physically had me churned up inside like that first day back at school feeling - I felt horrible, as if it was me being sneaky and I hated lying to him about my reasons for returning but couldn’t face a row.

But I feel good that it’s a sign that I’m finally laying boundaries for myself and my children instead of feeling helpless and unable to act and upset the apple cart. I want to be that strong woman that makes good decisions and to feel I can protect my children. I have a voice ive been afraid to use for too long now. It’s time to dig deep and allow myself to use it. Give myself permission to feel justified to think for myself.

It’s so good to be able to come here and get clarification.

You’re not weak—you made the best decision that you could at that particular time. There is no point in trying to discuss something when a person is intoxicated; they will just argue with you and probably won’t remember. You’ll know if you feel like talking with him in the morning or not. I know it’s hard to just put up with it. For a long time I lived with keeping the status quo because I had to so that I could keep everyone safe and the A unaware of my plans to leave. Best to you.

(((hugs)))

One day at a time. Baby steps. Keep it Simple. Some days I made it through by picking a slogan and applying it to everything I encountered.

How are you, today?