Dating while dealing with AXH....
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Dating while dealing with AXH....
So I have began to date specifically one man only. We have been communicating, having lunch, dinner and going to movies for the past month. He is honestly everything my AXH is not: caring, kind, sweet, loving, trustworthy, faithful, honest, affectionate and goes to church weekly. He is currently going through a divorce as well. His wife cheated on him several times. He does not have any kids. We have been talking about taking things more serious between us but my divorce is not quite yet finalized on paper. And I have to keep my kids in mind because I don't want them to meet anyone that isn't planning on being around for a long time.
My question is how do you try to continue on with having a healthy relationship while still dealing with AXH? I have this whole other side of me the Protective Mama Bear Side that my possible new partner has not seen yet. I have told him about my X and how unstable he is. He doesn't seem scared or worried about it. I will still have to continue to monitor my X's alcohol intake relentlessly but I don't want my new partner to get the wrong idea of me that I'm too much or too aggressive. I worry about balancing both sides but I am a mother first and I have to make sure that my kids are in a safe environment always. Advice would greatly be appreciated.
My question is how do you try to continue on with having a healthy relationship while still dealing with AXH? I have this whole other side of me the Protective Mama Bear Side that my possible new partner has not seen yet. I have told him about my X and how unstable he is. He doesn't seem scared or worried about it. I will still have to continue to monitor my X's alcohol intake relentlessly but I don't want my new partner to get the wrong idea of me that I'm too much or too aggressive. I worry about balancing both sides but I am a mother first and I have to make sure that my kids are in a safe environment always. Advice would greatly be appreciated.
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Honesty in any relationship is key.
You have to do what you have to do, mamabear--if your Potential New Man can't handle what he sees, that is his problem. You probably don't want someone in your life or around your kids anyway who has a problem with what you need to do to protect them.
You have to do what you have to do, mamabear--if your Potential New Man can't handle what he sees, that is his problem. You probably don't want someone in your life or around your kids anyway who has a problem with what you need to do to protect them.
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i'd strongly suggest that you slow your roll with the new guy. you are not out of or over the EX yet.....notice you described him as "everything the ex is not".
i get the desire for companionship....and i get the desire to move up in class as far as men......just take it s l o w l y. he too is not disentangled from his wife/ex yet either.
i get the desire for companionship....and i get the desire to move up in class as far as men......just take it s l o w l y. he too is not disentangled from his wife/ex yet either.
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mamabear.....I have been a single mother, myself....and dated for many years...(not all the same guy).....so, I have some idea of how it goes...lol...
With one month in....I think most every one is, naturally, on their best behavior and puts their best foot forward....and, tend to hold back on what we fear may be a "deal breaker" for the relationship...
If we are attracted to the person, there is a rosy glow over everything....our dopamine levels are sky-high and bonding hormones are at flood level....
I think that, just as you are holding back on some realities...he probably is, too....
Here are a few things that I have learned about dating as a single mother (3 kids).....
1. It takes a long time to really get to know person....to learn everything about them....
2. Keep your dating life separate from your children.....in other words, keep it out of the home, while the chidren are there.....that can/will eliminate a whole raft of problems....
3. The teen years are the worst years to introduce a new man into your children's llives.....into their home and lives....
4. Get to know the new person in every different kind of situation....
I, personally, put a huge value on doing a complete "autopsy" on any person's past failed relationship/s....lol....But, this takes place slowly, over a period of months.....
Things like...what does the new guy give as his role in the failure of the last relationships? When they are saying that it was all about the flaws in his ex....well, that is a red flag. What would be her story, if you were to ask her? What has he l earned...How has he changed, if at all....What attracted him to his ex? Why did she cheat? What were her complaints about him?
You get the idea.....
I probably sound very harsh, to you....it is just that we tend to repeat our same patterns, if we have not learned from our past life experiences...I think that is one reason that the statistics on second marriages are worse than for first marriages....
I, also, agree with the other posters...that, if you plan on dating him for a long time....he needs to know about your ex husband and the realities of your life....because, it all comes out, sooner or later, anyhow.....
You will either be a compatible match, or you won't....and, the sooner you know, the better....
With one month in....I think most every one is, naturally, on their best behavior and puts their best foot forward....and, tend to hold back on what we fear may be a "deal breaker" for the relationship...
If we are attracted to the person, there is a rosy glow over everything....our dopamine levels are sky-high and bonding hormones are at flood level....
I think that, just as you are holding back on some realities...he probably is, too....
Here are a few things that I have learned about dating as a single mother (3 kids).....
1. It takes a long time to really get to know person....to learn everything about them....
2. Keep your dating life separate from your children.....in other words, keep it out of the home, while the chidren are there.....that can/will eliminate a whole raft of problems....
3. The teen years are the worst years to introduce a new man into your children's llives.....into their home and lives....
4. Get to know the new person in every different kind of situation....
I, personally, put a huge value on doing a complete "autopsy" on any person's past failed relationship/s....lol....But, this takes place slowly, over a period of months.....
Things like...what does the new guy give as his role in the failure of the last relationships? When they are saying that it was all about the flaws in his ex....well, that is a red flag. What would be her story, if you were to ask her? What has he l earned...How has he changed, if at all....What attracted him to his ex? Why did she cheat? What were her complaints about him?
You get the idea.....
I probably sound very harsh, to you....it is just that we tend to repeat our same patterns, if we have not learned from our past life experiences...I think that is one reason that the statistics on second marriages are worse than for first marriages....
I, also, agree with the other posters...that, if you plan on dating him for a long time....he needs to know about your ex husband and the realities of your life....because, it all comes out, sooner or later, anyhow.....
You will either be a compatible match, or you won't....and, the sooner you know, the better....
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Honesty in any relationship is key.
You have to do what you have to do, mamabear--if your Potential New Man can't handle what he sees, that is his problem. You probably don't want someone in your life or around your kids anyway who has a problem with what you need to do to protect them.
You have to do what you have to do, mamabear--if your Potential New Man can't handle what he sees, that is his problem. You probably don't want someone in your life or around your kids anyway who has a problem with what you need to do to protect them.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i'd strongly suggest that you slow your roll with the new guy. you are not out of or over the EX yet.....notice you described him as "everything the ex is not".
i get the desire for companionship....and i get the desire to move up in class as far as men......just take it s l o w l y. he too is not disentangled from his wife/ex yet either.
i get the desire for companionship....and i get the desire to move up in class as far as men......just take it s l o w l y. he too is not disentangled from his wife/ex yet either.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
mamabear.....I have been a single mother, myself....and dated for many years...(not all the same guy).....so, I have some idea of how it goes...lol...
With one month in....I think most every one is, naturally, on their best behavior and puts their best foot forward....and, tend to hold back on what we fear may be a "deal breaker" for the relationship...
If we are attracted to the person, there is a rosy glow over everything....our dopamine levels are sky-high and bonding hormones are at flood level....
I think that, just as you are holding back on some realities...he probably is, too....
Here are a few things that I have learned about dating as a single mother (3 kids).....
1. It takes a long time to really get to know person....to learn everything about them....
2. Keep your dating life separate from your children.....in other words, keep it out of the home, while the chidren are there.....that can/will eliminate a whole raft of problems....
3. The teen years are the worst years to introduce a new man into your children's llives.....into their home and lives....
4. Get to know the new person in every different kind of situation....
I, personally, put a huge value on doing a complete "autopsy" on any person's past failed relationship/s....lol....But, this takes place slowly, over a period of months.....
Things like...what does the new guy give as his role in the failure of the last relationships? When they are saying that it was all about the flaws in his ex....well, that is a red flag. What would be her story, if you were to ask her? What has he l earned...How has he changed, if at all....What attracted him to his ex? Why did she cheat? What were her complaints about him?
You get the idea.....
I probably sound very harsh, to you....it is just that we tend to repeat our same patterns, if we have not learned from our past life experiences...I think that is one reason that the statistics on second marriages are worse than for first marriages....
I, also, agree with the other posters...that, if you plan on dating him for a long time....he needs to know about your ex husband and the realities of your life....because, it all comes out, sooner or later, anyhow.....
You will either be a compatible match, or you won't....and, the sooner you know, the better....
With one month in....I think most every one is, naturally, on their best behavior and puts their best foot forward....and, tend to hold back on what we fear may be a "deal breaker" for the relationship...
If we are attracted to the person, there is a rosy glow over everything....our dopamine levels are sky-high and bonding hormones are at flood level....
I think that, just as you are holding back on some realities...he probably is, too....
Here are a few things that I have learned about dating as a single mother (3 kids).....
1. It takes a long time to really get to know person....to learn everything about them....
2. Keep your dating life separate from your children.....in other words, keep it out of the home, while the chidren are there.....that can/will eliminate a whole raft of problems....
3. The teen years are the worst years to introduce a new man into your children's llives.....into their home and lives....
4. Get to know the new person in every different kind of situation....
I, personally, put a huge value on doing a complete "autopsy" on any person's past failed relationship/s....lol....But, this takes place slowly, over a period of months.....
Things like...what does the new guy give as his role in the failure of the last relationships? When they are saying that it was all about the flaws in his ex....well, that is a red flag. What would be her story, if you were to ask her? What has he l earned...How has he changed, if at all....What attracted him to his ex? Why did she cheat? What were her complaints about him?
You get the idea.....
I probably sound very harsh, to you....it is just that we tend to repeat our same patterns, if we have not learned from our past life experiences...I think that is one reason that the statistics on second marriages are worse than for first marriages....
I, also, agree with the other posters...that, if you plan on dating him for a long time....he needs to know about your ex husband and the realities of your life....because, it all comes out, sooner or later, anyhow.....
You will either be a compatible match, or you won't....and, the sooner you know, the better....
I told him on Saturday that it is best to keep it away from my kids until we figure on which direction we will be heading. The last thing i want is to bring several different men around my kids. Thank you for the advice.
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
His wife cheated on him several times.
I wonder why? Please be careful and take it very slow.
I wonder why? Please be careful and take it very slow.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Things like...what does the new guy give as his role in the failure of the last relationships? When they are saying that it was all about the flaws in his ex....well, that is a red flag. What would be her story, if you were to ask her? What has he l earned...How has he changed, if at all....What attracted him to his ex? Why did she cheat? What were her complaints about him?
A month is very early and it's so great that you are taking it slow. Call me cynical but there is something not quite right here. Something is missing in this story.
How long were they married and how long was she cheating trying to get impregnated by some random man. This is all very odd.
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The best way I've found for more info to be revealed is to pray, to have fun in life, in this day, and to let God do the work.
As I do this, suddenly everything changes without my interference. Good things get better. Other things shake out.
There are no coincidences. When I see how God is working in my life, in small ways, each day, I say a prayer of gratitude.
As I do this, suddenly everything changes without my interference. Good things get better. Other things shake out.
There are no coincidences. When I see how God is working in my life, in small ways, each day, I say a prayer of gratitude.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
This seems to be missing. Now, they may not have been apart that long so perhaps he hasn't reflected on his role in this (not saying he had any role in her cheating) however he was in a relationship with her and as Dandylion said what would her story be, what did he learn?
A month is very early and it's so great that you are taking it slow. Call me cynical but there is something not quite right here. Something is missing in this story.
How long were they married and how long was she cheating trying to get impregnated by some random man. This is all very odd.
A month is very early and it's so great that you are taking it slow. Call me cynical but there is something not quite right here. Something is missing in this story.
How long were they married and how long was she cheating trying to get impregnated by some random man. This is all very odd.
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Originally Posted by Mango212
The best way I've found for more info to be revealed is to pray, to have fun in life, in this day, and to let God do the work.
As I do this, suddenly everything changes without my interference. Good things get better. Other things shake out.
There are no coincidences. When I see how God is working in my life, in small ways, each day, I say a prayer of gratitude.
As I do this, suddenly everything changes without my interference. Good things get better. Other things shake out.
There are no coincidences. When I see how God is working in my life, in small ways, each day, I say a prayer of gratitude.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by Ladybird579
His wife cheated on him several times.
I wonder why? Please be careful and take it very slow.
I wonder why? Please be careful and take it very slow.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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I agree with Trailmix. Something is very odd about the story... maybe I'm paranoid... I don't know.
He said they were together for 8 years but only married for 1 year and a half.
I am not saying that this is the case, but some men reveal hidden values after they marry because they see their wives as possessions. It is possible that after he married he started to see his wife as a possession, became controlling, started monitoring her phone, accused her of cheating, and then things fell apart when he found out she was infertile. I think it's strange that they can be together for eight years then after they marry and she is diagnosed with infertility, she suddenly goes off and cheats. Also, if she cheated before, why did he marry her anyway?
He said she cheated on him four times. Once while they were dating and 3 times after they got married.
Do you know this is true? I think you should talk to his ex and get her side of the story. If she really did cheat on him and is happy with some other guy, I doubt she would mind talking to you. I'm only suggesting this because it is possible that he cheated on her and is preempting any accusations by calling the kettle black.
They have been separated since last August.
So... not long. Nine years together and then nine months apart.
He said that he could have been more spontaneous in there relationship. He became closed off because he was constantly monitoring her whereabouts.
I interpret this as: he was very spontaneous with his affections towards other women, became closed off because he had women on the side, and was constantly monitoring her whereabouts because he was paranoid that she would figure out what he was doing and detach from him... because you don't want your house elf to detach from you, lest you have to do your own housework.
This may be totally far-fetched... a complete lurid fantasy. I guess I just think like that because my A ex was cheating on me, but the whole time he was cheating, whenever I left the house on my own, he used to say that some guy would probably try to pick me up... or I was probably going to pick up some guy. Of course I wasn't! He did this to overcompensate for his complete lack of attention towards me... and the thing at the forefront of his mind was cheating... since he was doing it himself. It's projection.
He was always checking her phone (I did the same with my X). I feel like we both can relate to be cheated on. We both agree that we wouldn't want to live a life of checking phones and worrying about faithfulness in a relationship. Trust is an important issue for both of us. I guess we are learning to trust each other for the time being.
I don't think you should trust him before you have evidence that you can trust him. Was his ex an A? Did you tell him that your ex was an A first? Did you tell him that your ex was a cheater first? Because... if he's a narcissist, he will love-bomb you by moving fast and telling you that he has so many things in common with you: ex cheating... etc... even if those things are not true. Again, this may not be the case, I'm just trying to go over all possibilities.
she decided to cheat to see if someone could impregnant her but doctors told her that she can't have any babies.
Cheating is a weird, weird choice if one is diagnosed with infertility. Such a diagnosis can be really heart-breaking if one wants children; and for a woman, it can really mess with your self-esteem, it can make you feel less-than. Also... there is IVF... there are donor eggs... there is adoption. So if someone said that their ex cheated because they were infertile, I would think that was a bull**** story. Imagine if what he said was true. This means that his ex was trying to have a child with a total random man, his ex was okay with maybe being a single mother and having a random man claim he has a right to custody (or however those things work). Even if his story were true, the fact that he forgave someone for cheating so many times, and choose to be with someone who was choosing such a complicated path to motherhood... and that he thinks that infertility is the reason for cheating, is problematic. I would take a closer look at his values.
Could it be that she was infertile, and he was dismissive of her feelings about it, and so she sought solace elsewhere? If that is the case, this is not a supportive man. (May I suggest that) if she did cheat on him, it is not because she was infertile. It is likely that he knows the true reason why and won't tell you as it makes him look bad.
We come from a small town where everyone knows everyone. I've asked around about him. I haven't heard any negative comments. I'm still continuing to dig for info.
Everyone knows everyone only means that they know what he shows them. If you really want to know what is going on, I would ask his ex what went on and then compare their versions of their history. I mean, that seems like a lot of work though. I think maybe you should take things really s...l...o...w with this guy.
Best of luck. I hope that this guy is a good guy!
He said they were together for 8 years but only married for 1 year and a half.
I am not saying that this is the case, but some men reveal hidden values after they marry because they see their wives as possessions. It is possible that after he married he started to see his wife as a possession, became controlling, started monitoring her phone, accused her of cheating, and then things fell apart when he found out she was infertile. I think it's strange that they can be together for eight years then after they marry and she is diagnosed with infertility, she suddenly goes off and cheats. Also, if she cheated before, why did he marry her anyway?
He said she cheated on him four times. Once while they were dating and 3 times after they got married.
Do you know this is true? I think you should talk to his ex and get her side of the story. If she really did cheat on him and is happy with some other guy, I doubt she would mind talking to you. I'm only suggesting this because it is possible that he cheated on her and is preempting any accusations by calling the kettle black.
They have been separated since last August.
So... not long. Nine years together and then nine months apart.
He said that he could have been more spontaneous in there relationship. He became closed off because he was constantly monitoring her whereabouts.
I interpret this as: he was very spontaneous with his affections towards other women, became closed off because he had women on the side, and was constantly monitoring her whereabouts because he was paranoid that she would figure out what he was doing and detach from him... because you don't want your house elf to detach from you, lest you have to do your own housework.
This may be totally far-fetched... a complete lurid fantasy. I guess I just think like that because my A ex was cheating on me, but the whole time he was cheating, whenever I left the house on my own, he used to say that some guy would probably try to pick me up... or I was probably going to pick up some guy. Of course I wasn't! He did this to overcompensate for his complete lack of attention towards me... and the thing at the forefront of his mind was cheating... since he was doing it himself. It's projection.
He was always checking her phone (I did the same with my X). I feel like we both can relate to be cheated on. We both agree that we wouldn't want to live a life of checking phones and worrying about faithfulness in a relationship. Trust is an important issue for both of us. I guess we are learning to trust each other for the time being.
I don't think you should trust him before you have evidence that you can trust him. Was his ex an A? Did you tell him that your ex was an A first? Did you tell him that your ex was a cheater first? Because... if he's a narcissist, he will love-bomb you by moving fast and telling you that he has so many things in common with you: ex cheating... etc... even if those things are not true. Again, this may not be the case, I'm just trying to go over all possibilities.
she decided to cheat to see if someone could impregnant her but doctors told her that she can't have any babies.
Cheating is a weird, weird choice if one is diagnosed with infertility. Such a diagnosis can be really heart-breaking if one wants children; and for a woman, it can really mess with your self-esteem, it can make you feel less-than. Also... there is IVF... there are donor eggs... there is adoption. So if someone said that their ex cheated because they were infertile, I would think that was a bull**** story. Imagine if what he said was true. This means that his ex was trying to have a child with a total random man, his ex was okay with maybe being a single mother and having a random man claim he has a right to custody (or however those things work). Even if his story were true, the fact that he forgave someone for cheating so many times, and choose to be with someone who was choosing such a complicated path to motherhood... and that he thinks that infertility is the reason for cheating, is problematic. I would take a closer look at his values.
Could it be that she was infertile, and he was dismissive of her feelings about it, and so she sought solace elsewhere? If that is the case, this is not a supportive man. (May I suggest that) if she did cheat on him, it is not because she was infertile. It is likely that he knows the true reason why and won't tell you as it makes him look bad.
We come from a small town where everyone knows everyone. I've asked around about him. I haven't heard any negative comments. I'm still continuing to dig for info.
Everyone knows everyone only means that they know what he shows them. If you really want to know what is going on, I would ask his ex what went on and then compare their versions of their history. I mean, that seems like a lot of work though. I think maybe you should take things really s...l...o...w with this guy.
Best of luck. I hope that this guy is a good guy!
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Originally Posted by LLLisa
Probably because she's a cheater and that's what they do. It's not like anyone can "make" someone cheat. It's not as if the person who was cheated on can cause, control or cure cheating...
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Originally Posted by choublak
She cheated while they were dating and he married her anyway...
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
I agree with Trailmix. Something is very odd about the story... maybe I'm paranoid... I don't know.
He said they were together for 8 years but only married for 1 year and a half.
I am not saying that this is the case, but some men reveal hidden values after they marry because they see their wives as possessions. It is possible that after he married he started to see his wife as a possession, became controlling, started monitoring her phone, accused her of cheating, and then things fell apart when he found out she was infertile. I think it's strange that they can be together for eight years then after they marry and she is diagnosed with infertility, she suddenly goes off and cheats. Also, if she cheated before, why did he marry her anyway?
He said she cheated on him four times. Once while they were dating and 3 times after they got married.
Do you know this is true? I think you should talk to his ex and get her side of the story. If she really did cheat on him and is happy with some other guy, I doubt she would mind talking to you. I'm only suggesting this because it is possible that he cheated on her and is preempting any accusations by calling the kettle black.
They have been separated since last August.
So... not long. Nine years together and then nine months apart.
He said that he could have been more spontaneous in there relationship. He became closed off because he was constantly monitoring her whereabouts.
I interpret this as: he was very spontaneous with his affections towards other women, became closed off because he had women on the side, and was constantly monitoring her whereabouts because he was paranoid that she would figure out what he was doing and detach from him... because you don't want your house elf to detach from you, lest you have to do your own housework.
This may be totally far-fetched... a complete lurid fantasy. I guess I just think like that because my A ex was cheating on me, but the whole time he was cheating, whenever I left the house on my own, he used to say that some guy would probably try to pick me up... or I was probably going to pick up some guy. Of course I wasn't! He did this to overcompensate for his complete lack of attention towards me... and the thing at the forefront of his mind was cheating... since he was doing it himself. It's projection.
He was always checking her phone (I did the same with my X). I feel like we both can relate to be cheated on. We both agree that we wouldn't want to live a life of checking phones and worrying about faithfulness in a relationship. Trust is an important issue for both of us. I guess we are learning to trust each other for the time being.
I don't think you should trust him before you have evidence that you can trust him. Was his ex an A? Did you tell him that your ex was an A first? Did you tell him that your ex was a cheater first? Because... if he's a narcissist, he will love-bomb you by moving fast and telling you that he has so many things in common with you: ex cheating... etc... even if those things are not true. Again, this may not be the case, I'm just trying to go over all possibilities.
she decided to cheat to see if someone could impregnant her but doctors told her that she can't have any babies.
Cheating is a weird, weird choice if one is diagnosed with infertility. Such a diagnosis can be really heart-breaking if one wants children; and for a woman, it can really mess with your self-esteem, it can make you feel less-than. Also... there is IVF... there are donor eggs... there is adoption. So if someone said that their ex cheated because they were infertile, I would think that was a bull**** story. Imagine if what he said was true. This means that his ex was trying to have a child with a total random man, his ex was okay with maybe being a single mother and having a random man claim he has a right to custody (or however those things work). Even if his story were true, the fact that he forgave someone for cheating so many times, and choose to be with someone who was choosing such a complicated path to motherhood... and that he thinks that infertility is the reason for cheating, is problematic. I would take a closer look at his values.
Could it be that she was infertile, and he was dismissive of her feelings about it, and so she sought solace elsewhere? If that is the case, this is not a supportive man. (May I suggest that) if she did cheat on him, it is not because she was infertile. It is likely that he knows the true reason why and won't tell you as it makes him look bad.
We come from a small town where everyone knows everyone. I've asked around about him. I haven't heard any negative comments. I'm still continuing to dig for info.
Everyone knows everyone only means that they know what he shows them. If you really want to know what is going on, I would ask his ex what went on and then compare their versions of their history. I mean, that seems like a lot of work though. I think maybe you should take things really s...l...o...w with this guy.
Best of luck. I hope that this guy is a good guy!
He said they were together for 8 years but only married for 1 year and a half.
I am not saying that this is the case, but some men reveal hidden values after they marry because they see their wives as possessions. It is possible that after he married he started to see his wife as a possession, became controlling, started monitoring her phone, accused her of cheating, and then things fell apart when he found out she was infertile. I think it's strange that they can be together for eight years then after they marry and she is diagnosed with infertility, she suddenly goes off and cheats. Also, if she cheated before, why did he marry her anyway?
He said she cheated on him four times. Once while they were dating and 3 times after they got married.
Do you know this is true? I think you should talk to his ex and get her side of the story. If she really did cheat on him and is happy with some other guy, I doubt she would mind talking to you. I'm only suggesting this because it is possible that he cheated on her and is preempting any accusations by calling the kettle black.
They have been separated since last August.
So... not long. Nine years together and then nine months apart.
He said that he could have been more spontaneous in there relationship. He became closed off because he was constantly monitoring her whereabouts.
I interpret this as: he was very spontaneous with his affections towards other women, became closed off because he had women on the side, and was constantly monitoring her whereabouts because he was paranoid that she would figure out what he was doing and detach from him... because you don't want your house elf to detach from you, lest you have to do your own housework.
This may be totally far-fetched... a complete lurid fantasy. I guess I just think like that because my A ex was cheating on me, but the whole time he was cheating, whenever I left the house on my own, he used to say that some guy would probably try to pick me up... or I was probably going to pick up some guy. Of course I wasn't! He did this to overcompensate for his complete lack of attention towards me... and the thing at the forefront of his mind was cheating... since he was doing it himself. It's projection.
He was always checking her phone (I did the same with my X). I feel like we both can relate to be cheated on. We both agree that we wouldn't want to live a life of checking phones and worrying about faithfulness in a relationship. Trust is an important issue for both of us. I guess we are learning to trust each other for the time being.
I don't think you should trust him before you have evidence that you can trust him. Was his ex an A? Did you tell him that your ex was an A first? Did you tell him that your ex was a cheater first? Because... if he's a narcissist, he will love-bomb you by moving fast and telling you that he has so many things in common with you: ex cheating... etc... even if those things are not true. Again, this may not be the case, I'm just trying to go over all possibilities.
she decided to cheat to see if someone could impregnant her but doctors told her that she can't have any babies.
Cheating is a weird, weird choice if one is diagnosed with infertility. Such a diagnosis can be really heart-breaking if one wants children; and for a woman, it can really mess with your self-esteem, it can make you feel less-than. Also... there is IVF... there are donor eggs... there is adoption. So if someone said that their ex cheated because they were infertile, I would think that was a bull**** story. Imagine if what he said was true. This means that his ex was trying to have a child with a total random man, his ex was okay with maybe being a single mother and having a random man claim he has a right to custody (or however those things work). Even if his story were true, the fact that he forgave someone for cheating so many times, and choose to be with someone who was choosing such a complicated path to motherhood... and that he thinks that infertility is the reason for cheating, is problematic. I would take a closer look at his values.
Could it be that she was infertile, and he was dismissive of her feelings about it, and so she sought solace elsewhere? If that is the case, this is not a supportive man. (May I suggest that) if she did cheat on him, it is not because she was infertile. It is likely that he knows the true reason why and won't tell you as it makes him look bad.
We come from a small town where everyone knows everyone. I've asked around about him. I haven't heard any negative comments. I'm still continuing to dig for info.
Everyone knows everyone only means that they know what he shows them. If you really want to know what is going on, I would ask his ex what went on and then compare their versions of their history. I mean, that seems like a lot of work though. I think maybe you should take things really s...l...o...w with this guy.
Best of luck. I hope that this guy is a good guy!
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