Dating while dealing with AXH....
My question is how do you try to continue on with having a healthy relationship while still dealing with AXH?
Neither one of you are free – emotionally and lawfully to truly begin an honesty healthy relationship.
Not to be the pessimist but I see lots of potential red flags and you are only 1 month into getting to re-know this person you knew in high school and thinking about taking it to the next level.
I think slow it way down and allow more – much more to be revealed before investing further emotionally.
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You wait until he’s an official by law X.
Neither one of you are free – emotionally and lawfully to truly begin an honesty healthy relationship.
Not to be the pessimist but I see lots of potential red flags and you are only 1 month into getting to re-know this person you knew in high school and thinking about taking it to the next level.
I think slow it way down and allow more – much more to be revealed before investing further emotionally.
Neither one of you are free – emotionally and lawfully to truly begin an honesty healthy relationship.
Not to be the pessimist but I see lots of potential red flags and you are only 1 month into getting to re-know this person you knew in high school and thinking about taking it to the next level.
I think slow it way down and allow more – much more to be revealed before investing further emotionally.
We have been dating for the last month but have been in communication since December. I'm not in any rush to get into a serious relationship. My divorce will be finalized in the next few months so will his. It gives up plenty of time to get to know each other more. It's easy to point out red flags. But I eventually have to move on.
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Hi mamabear, you've received some wise words already. I also started seeing someone whom I went to school with after my divorce from xah was final. Pretty casual for a really long time, we would talk on the phone and text here and there. The first time he invited me to supper he invited "us" (me and 2 dd's) I said I would love to go but would find a sitter for the kiddo's and then explained as we got to know each other I would like to leave the kids out of it until we knew each other better. He doesn't push the issue and we still don't do foursome things with the kids. It has been a long, slow and FUN process getting to know each other! Use your intuition and trust your gut. Communication, trust and honesty are huge. Trying to be in a relationship after what most of us have been through is like pouring miracle grow on my own issues. One thing, and just my two cents, I can see asking a person close to him about him but at some point you have to trust yourself if he is a person you can trust or not. I have been known to dust off my detective cap here and there and I try to remind myself that "normal" people probably don't know how to check arrest records, legal documents, social media history, etc. and just go straight to the source .... helped me to set the tone of trust and boundaries in my relationship with the new guy and most importantly for myself. Thinking the best for you as you navigate your path.
If SHE had problems that were diagnosed, why would she believe she'd get pregnant with another partner?
The average couple dealing with fertility issues typically (I do realize this is a generalization) turn toward one another for solutions & comfort until all avenues of testing are exhausted. They generally turn away from one another as a result of ongoing failures separately/together over a length of time because it's not unlike dealing with the loss of a child to face that type of constant loss/disappointment.
Even if it was a primary issue, no WAY it's as simple as she wanted a baby & decided to start cheating on her husband - I'm not drinking that kool aid.
It's easy to point out red flags. But I eventually have to move on.
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Hi mamabear, you've received some wise words already. I also started seeing someone whom I went to school with after my divorce from xah was final. Pretty casual for a really long time, we would talk on the phone and text here and there. The first time he invited me to supper he invited "us" (me and 2 dd's) I said I would love to go but would find a sitter for the kiddo's and then explained as we got to know each other I would like to leave the kids out of it until we knew each other better. He doesn't push the issue and we still don't do foursome things with the kids. It has been a long, slow and FUN process getting to know each other! Use your intuition and trust your gut. Communication, trust and honesty are huge. Trying to be in a relationship after what most of us have been through is like pouring miracle grow on my own issues. One thing, and just my two cents, I can see asking a person close to him about him but at some point you have to trust yourself if he is a person you can trust or not. I have been known to dust off my detective cap here and there and I try to remind myself that "normal" people probably don't know how to check arrest records, legal documents, social media history, etc. and just go straight to the source .... helped me to set the tone of trust and boundaries in my relationship with the new guy and most importantly for myself. Thinking the best for you as you navigate your path.
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I'm older and wiser now then when I was 17 when I met my X so Im going to do my best, be selective, be picky in choosing the right man to be in my life and my boys. If it is in Gods plan. From what I know and see he is nothing like my X but only time will tell.
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[QUOTE=FireSprite;6896821]As someone who has similar issues I can tell you this raises red flags for me immediately. My husband & I both had issues that required treatments from specialists for more than 2 years.
If SHE had problems that were diagnosed, why would she believe she'd get pregnant with another partner?
The average couple dealing with fertility issues typically (I do realize this is a generalization) turn toward one another for solutions & comfort until all avenues of testing are exhausted. They generally turn away from one another as a result of ongoing failures separately/together over a length of time because it's not unlike dealing with the loss of a child to face that type of constant loss/disappointment.
Even if it was a primary issue, no WAY it's as simple as she wanted a baby & decided to start cheating on her husband - I'm not drinking that[Quote]
Once a cheater always a cheater. It doesn't matter who, what, where, why and how
..its wrong. To seat here and try to figure out why this woman cheated him is something I'm not going to do. That has absolutely nothing to do with me. That is like trying to figure out why my AXH cheated on me, it's a waste of time. People who cheat on their spouses are weak and miserable with their lives and find any easy way out. For whatever reason why she did it, it was wrong [Period].
If SHE had problems that were diagnosed, why would she believe she'd get pregnant with another partner?
The average couple dealing with fertility issues typically (I do realize this is a generalization) turn toward one another for solutions & comfort until all avenues of testing are exhausted. They generally turn away from one another as a result of ongoing failures separately/together over a length of time because it's not unlike dealing with the loss of a child to face that type of constant loss/disappointment.
Even if it was a primary issue, no WAY it's as simple as she wanted a baby & decided to start cheating on her husband - I'm not drinking that[Quote]
Once a cheater always a cheater. It doesn't matter who, what, where, why and how
..its wrong. To seat here and try to figure out why this woman cheated him is something I'm not going to do. That has absolutely nothing to do with me. That is like trying to figure out why my AXH cheated on me, it's a waste of time. People who cheat on their spouses are weak and miserable with their lives and find any easy way out. For whatever reason why she did it, it was wrong [Period].
Once a cheater always a cheater. It doesn't matter who, what, where, why and how
..its wrong. To seat here and try to figure out why this woman cheated him is something I'm not going to do. That has absolutely nothing to do with me. That is like trying to figure out why my AXH cheated on me, it's a waste of time. People who cheat on their spouses are weak and miserable with their lives and find any easy way out. For whatever reason why she did it, it was wrong [Period].
..its wrong. To seat here and try to figure out why this woman cheated him is something I'm not going to do. That has absolutely nothing to do with me. That is like trying to figure out why my AXH cheated on me, it's a waste of time. People who cheat on their spouses are weak and miserable with their lives and find any easy way out. For whatever reason why she did it, it was wrong [Period].
I'm can see this thread is a bit upsetting for you perhaps and i'm sorry about that. I think, for me, being protective of you is more important than the other person in your life and that does need to be taken in to consideration. In no way is this personal about him though, none of us know him and only know the small portion of your story that you have shared.
As for her cheating, absolutely, it's wrong, she did it, in no way is he to "blame" for that, that's clear.
What if he was posting here and told you that little bit of his story, what would your reply be?
Maybe something like, why did you choose her, have you thought about that?
Now, that's said often here, focus back on yourself, why would you settle for a relationship that is less that you need/want/deserve. Whether that is with an emotionally distant or abusive addict or a partner that cheats.
In no way is that a negative reflection on the person per-se, in my opinion, but worth asking so that the same patterns don't follow?
I don't understand the part about why she cheated when she was the one with fertility issues, it makes zero sense, however, as I said, we only know a tiny bit of this story, she may have a whole lot of issues (attempted suicide) but that's not clear from what you posted.
I don't know, I'm no expert, I just hope you know that no one is attacking you (or him), in my view and I really hope he turns out to be a great guy and makes you happy!
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Wow. A lot of words.
Great discussions and food for thought.
Mamabear, you seem to be doing very well. Asking great questions. Enjoying life. Praying. Letting God guide.
My experience: getting bogged down in problems, whether real or imagined, solves nothing except creating energy in the supposed problem.
As I step out in Faith and enjoy Life, good gets better. And better. And better. Awareness of the goodness of Life, expectations of great things in our lives, allows us to opening up to that. No fear. Simply following God.
Great discussions and food for thought.
Mamabear, you seem to be doing very well. Asking great questions. Enjoying life. Praying. Letting God guide.
My experience: getting bogged down in problems, whether real or imagined, solves nothing except creating energy in the supposed problem.
As I step out in Faith and enjoy Life, good gets better. And better. And better. Awareness of the goodness of Life, expectations of great things in our lives, allows us to opening up to that. No fear. Simply following God.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Hi mamabear,
I'm can see this thread is a bit upsetting for you perhaps and i'm sorry about that. I think, for me, being protective of you is more important than the other person in your life and that does need to be taken in to consideration. In no way is this personal about him though, none of us know him and only know the small portion of your story that you have shared.
As for her cheating, absolutely, it's wrong, she did it, in no way is he to "blame" for that, that's clear.
What if he was posting here and told you that little bit of his story, what would your reply be?
Maybe something like, why did you choose her, have you thought about that?
Now, that's said often here, focus back on yourself, why would you settle for a relationship that is less that you need/want/deserve. Whether that is with an emotionally distant or abusive addict or a partner that cheats.
In no way is that a negative reflection on the person per-se, in my opinion, but worth asking so that the same patterns don't follow?
I don't understand the part about why she cheated when she was the one with fertility issues, it makes zero sense, however, as I said, we only know a tiny bit of this story, she may have a whole lot of issues (attempted suicide) but that's not clear from what you posted.
I don't know, I'm no expert, I just hope you know that no one is attacking you (or him), in my view and I really hope he turns out to be a great guy and makes you happy!
I'm can see this thread is a bit upsetting for you perhaps and i'm sorry about that. I think, for me, being protective of you is more important than the other person in your life and that does need to be taken in to consideration. In no way is this personal about him though, none of us know him and only know the small portion of your story that you have shared.
As for her cheating, absolutely, it's wrong, she did it, in no way is he to "blame" for that, that's clear.
What if he was posting here and told you that little bit of his story, what would your reply be?
Maybe something like, why did you choose her, have you thought about that?
Now, that's said often here, focus back on yourself, why would you settle for a relationship that is less that you need/want/deserve. Whether that is with an emotionally distant or abusive addict or a partner that cheats.
In no way is that a negative reflection on the person per-se, in my opinion, but worth asking so that the same patterns don't follow?
I don't understand the part about why she cheated when she was the one with fertility issues, it makes zero sense, however, as I said, we only know a tiny bit of this story, she may have a whole lot of issues (attempted suicide) but that's not clear from what you posted.
I don't know, I'm no expert, I just hope you know that no one is attacking you (or him), in my view and I really hope he turns out to be a great guy and makes you happy!
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Wow. A lot of words.
Great discussions and food for thought.
Mamabear, you seem to be doing very well. Asking great questions. Enjoying life. Praying. Letting God guide.
My experience: getting bogged down in problems, whether real or imagined, solves nothing except creating energy in the supposed problem.
As I step out in Faith and enjoy Life, good gets better. And better. And better. Awareness of the goodness of Life, expectations of great things in our lives, allows us to opening up to that. No fear. Simply following God.
Great discussions and food for thought.
Mamabear, you seem to be doing very well. Asking great questions. Enjoying life. Praying. Letting God guide.
My experience: getting bogged down in problems, whether real or imagined, solves nothing except creating energy in the supposed problem.
As I step out in Faith and enjoy Life, good gets better. And better. And better. Awareness of the goodness of Life, expectations of great things in our lives, allows us to opening up to that. No fear. Simply following God.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Yes, I know but right now we are just casually dating. So I don't feel the need to question every single statement he makes. It's not at all to the point of being in a relationship. We might end up being just friends who knows. I'm gonna sit back and handle things as they come.
I agree that you should take this super slow! That being said, I know we are all here to offer support, but some of you guys are throwing this poor guy under the bus. My XA was a complete louse but at some point you have to trust again and some advice you are getting is coming from way in left field. I don't believe talking to his ex or assuming he is a shady liar who is hiding his own infidelities ......yada yada, yada. Take it slow see where it goes! Good luck you deserve a good guy, they are out there!
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I agree that you should take this super slow! That being said, I know we are all here to offer support, but some of you guys are throwing this poor guy under the bus. My XA was a complete louse but at some point you have to trust again and some advice you are getting is coming from way in left field. I don't believe talking to his ex or assuming he is a shady liar who is hiding his own infidelities ......yada yada, yada. Take it slow see where it goes! Good luck you deserve a good guy, they are out there!
I don't understand the part about why she cheated when she was the one with fertility issues, it makes zero sense, however, as I said, we only know a tiny bit of this story, she may have a whole lot of issues (attempted suicide) but that's not clear from what you posted.
I don't know, I'm no expert, I just hope you know that no one is attacking you (or him), in my view and I really hope he turns out to be a great guy and makes you happy!
I don't know, I'm no expert, I just hope you know that no one is attacking you (or him), in my view and I really hope he turns out to be a great guy and makes you happy!
I guess I'm still concerned about if she cheated or not. I know he said she did, but what if she didn't? So that's why I said maybe find out what she knows... but I understand how that can be really uncomfortable. I hope that didn't upset you. My main concern is that any guy out there might be a Mr. Okatz clone. I guess that makes me really paranoid... so please bear that in mind when you read my comments on your thread. I don't condone abuse or cheating.
I hope that you have the best experience in this new relationship. It would be really nice if this guy was the guy for you!
Yes, I know but right now we are just casually dating. So I don't feel the need to question every single statement he makes. It's not at all to the point of being in a relationship. We might end up being just friends who knows. I'm gonna sit back and handle things as they come.
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