Dating while dealing with AXH....

Old 05-15-2018, 10:40 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My question is how do you try to continue on with having a healthy relationship while still dealing with AXH?
You wait until he’s an official by law X.

Neither one of you are free – emotionally and lawfully to truly begin an honesty healthy relationship.

Not to be the pessimist but I see lots of potential red flags and you are only 1 month into getting to re-know this person you knew in high school and thinking about taking it to the next level.

I think slow it way down and allow more – much more to be revealed before investing further emotionally.
atalose is offline  
Old 05-15-2018, 11:56 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by atalose View Post
You wait until he’s an official by law X.

Neither one of you are free – emotionally and lawfully to truly begin an honesty healthy relationship.

Not to be the pessimist but I see lots of potential red flags and you are only 1 month into getting to re-know this person you knew in high school and thinking about taking it to the next level.

I think slow it way down and allow more – much more to be revealed before investing further emotionally.
Atalose, I am going to continue to take things slow nothing physical has occured Just conversations, lunch, dinner and movies.
We have been dating for the last month but have been in communication since December. I'm not in any rush to get into a serious relationship. My divorce will be finalized in the next few months so will his. It gives up plenty of time to get to know each other more. It's easy to point out red flags. But I eventually have to move on.
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 05-15-2018, 12:02 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
Hi mamabear, you've received some wise words already. I also started seeing someone whom I went to school with after my divorce from xah was final. Pretty casual for a really long time, we would talk on the phone and text here and there. The first time he invited me to supper he invited "us" (me and 2 dd's) I said I would love to go but would find a sitter for the kiddo's and then explained as we got to know each other I would like to leave the kids out of it until we knew each other better. He doesn't push the issue and we still don't do foursome things with the kids. It has been a long, slow and FUN process getting to know each other! Use your intuition and trust your gut. Communication, trust and honesty are huge. Trying to be in a relationship after what most of us have been through is like pouring miracle grow on my own issues. One thing, and just my two cents, I can see asking a person close to him about him but at some point you have to trust yourself if he is a person you can trust or not. I have been known to dust off my detective cap here and there and I try to remind myself that "normal" people probably don't know how to check arrest records, legal documents, social media history, etc. and just go straight to the source .... helped me to set the tone of trust and boundaries in my relationship with the new guy and most importantly for myself. Thinking the best for you as you navigate your path.
Gm0824 is offline  
Old 05-15-2018, 12:12 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by mamabear26 View Post
According to him, she had infertility issues and wanted to see if she could get pregnant by someone else.
As someone who has similar issues I can tell you this raises red flags for me immediately. My husband & I both had issues that required treatments from specialists for more than 2 years.

If SHE had problems that were diagnosed, why would she believe she'd get pregnant with another partner?

The average couple dealing with fertility issues typically (I do realize this is a generalization) turn toward one another for solutions & comfort until all avenues of testing are exhausted. They generally turn away from one another as a result of ongoing failures separately/together over a length of time because it's not unlike dealing with the loss of a child to face that type of constant loss/disappointment.

Even if it was a primary issue, no WAY it's as simple as she wanted a baby & decided to start cheating on her husband - I'm not drinking that kool aid.
FireSprite is offline  
Old 05-15-2018, 12:52 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It's easy to point out red flags. But I eventually have to move on.
That’s certainly true, moving on in life is key to our happiness but often and without knowing it we move on to the same kind of package that’s just in a different wrapper.
atalose is offline  
Old 05-15-2018, 01:45 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
If SHE had problems that were diagnosed, why would she believe she'd get pregnant with another partner?
I was wondering that too.
choublak is offline  
Old 05-15-2018, 02:38 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by Gm0824 View Post
Hi mamabear, you've received some wise words already. I also started seeing someone whom I went to school with after my divorce from xah was final. Pretty casual for a really long time, we would talk on the phone and text here and there. The first time he invited me to supper he invited "us" (me and 2 dd's) I said I would love to go but would find a sitter for the kiddo's and then explained as we got to know each other I would like to leave the kids out of it until we knew each other better. He doesn't push the issue and we still don't do foursome things with the kids. It has been a long, slow and FUN process getting to know each other! Use your intuition and trust your gut. Communication, trust and honesty are huge. Trying to be in a relationship after what most of us have been through is like pouring miracle grow on my own issues. One thing, and just my two cents, I can see asking a person close to him about him but at some point you have to trust yourself if he is a person you can trust or not. I have been known to dust off my detective cap here and there and I try to remind myself that "normal" people probably don't know how to check arrest records, legal documents, social media history, etc. and just go straight to the source .... helped me to set the tone of trust and boundaries in my relationship with the new guy and most importantly for myself. Thinking the best for you as you navigate your path.
Gm0824, Thank you for your wise and kind words. I don't trust people easily. So this will be a process for me. He does ask about my kids and how are they doing. I appreciate that. I told him I want to leave them out of it until we figure out if this is going to be something serious and AFTER my divorce is final. He agreed. Thank you again for your positivity!
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 05-15-2018, 02:40 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by choublak View Post
I was wondering that too.
I don't know details. I just got summary. I don't really care what her issues are. Sorry if that sounds mean but I have my own life to worry about.
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 05-15-2018, 02:46 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by atalose View Post
That’s certainly true, moving on in life is key to our happiness but often and without knowing it we move on to the same kind of package that’s just in a different wrapper.
I'm older and wiser now then when I was 17 when I met my X so Im going to do my best, be selective, be picky in choosing the right man to be in my life and my boys. If it is in Gods plan. From what I know and see he is nothing like my X but only time will tell.
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 05-15-2018, 02:53 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
[QUOTE=FireSprite;6896821]As someone who has similar issues I can tell you this raises red flags for me immediately. My husband & I both had issues that required treatments from specialists for more than 2 years.

If SHE had problems that were diagnosed, why would she believe she'd get pregnant with another partner?

The average couple dealing with fertility issues typically (I do realize this is a generalization) turn toward one another for solutions & comfort until all avenues of testing are exhausted. They generally turn away from one another as a result of ongoing failures separately/together over a length of time because it's not unlike dealing with the loss of a child to face that type of constant loss/disappointment.

Even if it was a primary issue, no WAY it's as simple as she wanted a baby & decided to start cheating on her husband - I'm not drinking that[Quote]

Once a cheater always a cheater. It doesn't matter who, what, where, why and how
..its wrong. To seat here and try to figure out why this woman cheated him is something I'm not going to do. That has absolutely nothing to do with me. That is like trying to figure out why my AXH cheated on me, it's a waste of time. People who cheat on their spouses are weak and miserable with their lives and find any easy way out. For whatever reason why she did it, it was wrong [Period].
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 05-15-2018, 03:46 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
It's not about her cheating. It's about him lying to you about it.

Everything you know about it is filtered through his opinion and perspective.
FireSprite is offline  
Old 05-15-2018, 03:53 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
Originally Posted by mamabear26 View Post
Once a cheater always a cheater. It doesn't matter who, what, where, why and how
..its wrong. To seat here and try to figure out why this woman cheated him is something I'm not going to do. That has absolutely nothing to do with me. That is like trying to figure out why my AXH cheated on me, it's a waste of time. People who cheat on their spouses are weak and miserable with their lives and find any easy way out. For whatever reason why she did it, it was wrong [Period].
Hi mamabear,

I'm can see this thread is a bit upsetting for you perhaps and i'm sorry about that. I think, for me, being protective of you is more important than the other person in your life and that does need to be taken in to consideration. In no way is this personal about him though, none of us know him and only know the small portion of your story that you have shared.

As for her cheating, absolutely, it's wrong, she did it, in no way is he to "blame" for that, that's clear.

What if he was posting here and told you that little bit of his story, what would your reply be?

Maybe something like, why did you choose her, have you thought about that?

Now, that's said often here, focus back on yourself, why would you settle for a relationship that is less that you need/want/deserve. Whether that is with an emotionally distant or abusive addict or a partner that cheats.

In no way is that a negative reflection on the person per-se, in my opinion, but worth asking so that the same patterns don't follow?

I don't understand the part about why she cheated when she was the one with fertility issues, it makes zero sense, however, as I said, we only know a tiny bit of this story, she may have a whole lot of issues (attempted suicide) but that's not clear from what you posted.

I don't know, I'm no expert, I just hope you know that no one is attacking you (or him), in my view and I really hope he turns out to be a great guy and makes you happy!
trailmix is online now  
Old 05-15-2018, 04:11 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Life is good
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Wow. A lot of words.

Great discussions and food for thought.

Mamabear, you seem to be doing very well. Asking great questions. Enjoying life. Praying. Letting God guide.

My experience: getting bogged down in problems, whether real or imagined, solves nothing except creating energy in the supposed problem.

As I step out in Faith and enjoy Life, good gets better. And better. And better. Awareness of the goodness of Life, expectations of great things in our lives, allows us to opening up to that. No fear. Simply following God.

Mango212 is offline  
Old 05-15-2018, 04:24 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Hi mamabear,

I'm can see this thread is a bit upsetting for you perhaps and i'm sorry about that. I think, for me, being protective of you is more important than the other person in your life and that does need to be taken in to consideration. In no way is this personal about him though, none of us know him and only know the small portion of your story that you have shared.

As for her cheating, absolutely, it's wrong, she did it, in no way is he to "blame" for that, that's clear.

What if he was posting here and told you that little bit of his story, what would your reply be?

Maybe something like, why did you choose her, have you thought about that?

Now, that's said often here, focus back on yourself, why would you settle for a relationship that is less that you need/want/deserve. Whether that is with an emotionally distant or abusive addict or a partner that cheats.

In no way is that a negative reflection on the person per-se, in my opinion, but worth asking so that the same patterns don't follow?

I don't understand the part about why she cheated when she was the one with fertility issues, it makes zero sense, however, as I said, we only know a tiny bit of this story, she may have a whole lot of issues (attempted suicide) but that's not clear from what you posted.

I don't know, I'm no expert, I just hope you know that no one is attacking you (or him), in my view and I really hope he turns out to be a great guy and makes you happy!
Hi Trailmix, No the questions brought about him are relative and I've thought about it. I'm very sensitive when people try to justify when a person cheats, man or woman. Because Ive been through it and it hurts like hell. There is no excuse. Yes, he did mention to me that that was one of the reason she gave him. I dont feel attacked I wanted more advice on how I should go about things not about what another woman did to her husband. I have no control of others actions nor am I trying to do more than just take care of me and my kids right now. Thank you for your kind words : )
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 05-15-2018, 04:32 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
Wow. A lot of words.

Great discussions and food for thought.

Mamabear, you seem to be doing very well. Asking great questions. Enjoying life. Praying. Letting God guide.

My experience: getting bogged down in problems, whether real or imagined, solves nothing except creating energy in the supposed problem.

As I step out in Faith and enjoy Life, good gets better. And better. And better. Awareness of the goodness of Life, expectations of great things in our lives, allows us to opening up to that. No fear. Simply following God.

Mango212, Since going through this divorce I've learned to let God take control. I agree with you 100% getting paranoid over problems that might or might not happen doesn't solve anything. What will be, will be. Thank you for your positivity and kind words. I appreciate it.
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 05-15-2018, 04:38 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
It's not about her cheating. It's about him lying to you about it.

Everything you know about it is filtered through his opinion and perspective.
Yes, I know but right now we are just casually dating. So I don't feel the need to question every single statement he makes. It's not at all to the point of being in a relationship. We might end up being just friends who knows. I'm gonna sit back and handle things as they come.
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 05-15-2018, 04:48 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Member
 
wistrong's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 5
I agree that you should take this super slow! That being said, I know we are all here to offer support, but some of you guys are throwing this poor guy under the bus. My XA was a complete louse but at some point you have to trust again and some advice you are getting is coming from way in left field. I don't believe talking to his ex or assuming he is a shady liar who is hiding his own infidelities ......yada yada, yada. Take it slow see where it goes! Good luck you deserve a good guy, they are out there!
wistrong is offline  
Old 05-15-2018, 05:25 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by wistrong View Post
I agree that you should take this super slow! That being said, I know we are all here to offer support, but some of you guys are throwing this poor guy under the bus. My XA was a complete louse but at some point you have to trust again and some advice you are getting is coming from way in left field. I don't believe talking to his ex or assuming he is a shady liar who is hiding his own infidelities ......yada yada, yada. Take it slow see where it goes! Good luck you deserve a good guy, they are out there!
Yup I agree!!! Thank you for the positive advice! I truly appreciate it. : )
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 05-16-2018, 02:17 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
 
OpheliaKatz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I don't understand the part about why she cheated when she was the one with fertility issues, it makes zero sense, however, as I said, we only know a tiny bit of this story, she may have a whole lot of issues (attempted suicide) but that's not clear from what you posted.

I don't know, I'm no expert, I just hope you know that no one is attacking you (or him), in my view and I really hope he turns out to be a great guy and makes you happy!
Hi Mamabear. Again, I agree with Trailmix. I am sorry about the length of my previous post. It's good that you've known this guy a long time so bear in mind that when I say these things, I don't know him, I'm just comparing to my experience (what else do I have to compare anything to?)

I guess I'm still concerned about if she cheated or not. I know he said she did, but what if she didn't? So that's why I said maybe find out what she knows... but I understand how that can be really uncomfortable. I hope that didn't upset you. My main concern is that any guy out there might be a Mr. Okatz clone. I guess that makes me really paranoid... so please bear that in mind when you read my comments on your thread. I don't condone abuse or cheating.

I hope that you have the best experience in this new relationship. It would be really nice if this guy was the guy for you!
OpheliaKatz is offline  
Old 05-16-2018, 02:23 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
 
OpheliaKatz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by mamabear26 View Post
Yes, I know but right now we are just casually dating. So I don't feel the need to question every single statement he makes. It's not at all to the point of being in a relationship. We might end up being just friends who knows. I'm gonna sit back and handle things as they come.
Fair point. I wasn't sure how serious it was.
OpheliaKatz is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:38 AM.