Maudcat

I read the New Yorker article about Eric Schneiderman, the New York Attorney General who resigned after the story about his violence toward 4 women with whom he was involved over a period of time ran.
Each woman’s story, two of whom went on record with their names, was similar.
They said that Schneiderman, often after drinking a bottle or two of wine with them, would slap them across the face and call them whores.
I’m disturbed.
Im disturbed because at least two of the women described being immediately attracted to him and that the relationship moved quickly.
One of them felt that their getting together was kismet.
Over time, they found him controlling, making comments about their thighs and weight.
Often he would hold wine up to their lips and say, drink, honey, drink.
Does any of this sound familiar?
Does any of this sound like some of the posts we see here?
Immediate attraction, fast moving, amazing relationship that starts to break down into controlling, abusive, violent behavior.
These are smart, well established professional women. One of them broke up with him and reconciled three times, despite the fact he continued to hit her.
I don’t get it, I truly don’t.
Is it a woman thing? Are we so anxious to have a partner that we accept unacceptable behavior?
I have no words.

Eauchiche

It's not a woman thing. It's a CODIE thing.
Before I started my recovery journey, I went looking for people I could worship. The worse they treated me, the better I loved them.
Thank God, I have changed....

grayghost1965

I see plenty of women in the ER with similar experiences with varying degrees of physical and emotional injury. Almost without fail we will hear that they have gotten back together with their abuser.

This has nothing to do with being well-educated/attractive; Most abusers have learned from early on how to get what they want through abusive means, and they are experts at targeting victims.

One possible remedy ? Start attaching real criminal consequences to these crimes - double digit prison time can be a great start. It's not a cure-all, but it's a start.

Maudcat

You’re right, Eauchiche, it is a codie thing.
Which leads me to my next: are women more likely to fall into that trap than men?
It would seem to me to be so, as most of the posts to which I refer are by women.
So, I guess, yeah?

least

I was in an abusive relationship once. When I got out, I never looked back or wanted him again. Once bitten, twice shy.

About the OP. I have no words either.

Aeryn

I think there are as many codie men as women...I just think the reason you hear more about women in these relationships is:

* Men tend to be abused more in a financial, emotional and verbal sense instead of physical, but the women the fall for are just as alluring in similar ways to the men the women fall for I think.

* Men are less likely to talk about and admit abuse even if it's not physical....I think this is due to our societal norms.


But yes it's a codie thing....I think though there are as many men codies as women....they just are less likely to admit it (a societal cultural thing).

Just my two cents.

Raindrops

Most things in that article , I can relate to. I am getting out of a marriage right now that devastated my soul. I am a dentist. I put in a lot of effort to get to where I am today. I am proud of my accomplishment. My relationship moved fast and before I knew it I was dating this man and within a year we were married. Everything started when I moved to the town I am in after I got with school 3 years ago. I was demeaned. I was told everyday that I wasn't good enough. I had gained weight during school and I was made to feel ashamed for that. Then I lost weight and I was told that my boobs were too small now. Slowly I was compared to a girl who had gone to Harvard for dental school but was 3 years my junior . Then I was compared to his sister in law who was doing her masters in sustainability. I was mock d for every hair on my body . I was told that my vagina was smelly ( I had become so conscious about it that I used to wash myself 5 times a day). Then I was told why I couldn't ever be naked and on my knees with a glass of martini in my hand when he came back from work. Then I was asked how I felt about other women and if I had any desire to be with a woman in bed while he watched. I was called a freeloader ( my husband was supporting me financially while I targeted my student loans- his idea) . Then I was told that I was worthless because my parents gave me nothing and how his ex girlfriends came from rich homes. I was told my underarms were too dark. Then I was told that I was his property. Finally I was told that he would chop me up into pieces if I ever tried leaving. I left one day while he was at work. He had a camera installed inside the house under the pretext that he wanted to watch the dog while we were at work. I unplugged it while I packed my stuff , called 5 people I had met a month ago at the gym and I left. Never heard from it. I left a year ago. My divorce is a living hell. He is dragging me to trial for fraud. I have an audio recording of him being drunk and abusive. Saying racist things. Asking me to go get raped. It all leaves a scar so big that I don't know when I will ever heal. I just put one foot in front of the other each day and somehow get through my day.

PuzzledHeart

I'm so sorry Raindrops that you had to go through that.

Raindrops

I have to keep reminding myself of the three years of horror that I went through so that I don't go back to him ever. I still have days when I question if I made the right decision and I still wake up with panic attacks. I still call out his name in my sleep some nights. I suffer from intense PTSD. If I ever tell anymof his colleagues- they will never believe it. He is this awesome guy to them who is so much fun to be around. It all happened behind closed doors and during a time when I was financially vulnerable.

trailmix

Raindrops. I'm so so sorry you ran in to this person. Your story is horrific. He is a monster.

What a pathetic man who can find nothing to do with his life other than to make yours hell.

Raindrops

I was 26 when I met him. A loving, social, happy person with a lot of friends. I am 32 now. My friendships are gone. My smile is gone. I am starting to learn to love myself again. I am staring to know what happiness is again. I dint trust anyone so I sit at home by myself after work. I am learning how to navigate through life again. It's hard. I am sorry for all the posts

amy55

Raindrops, don't ever apologize for all the posts. It helps so many people to read what someone else wrote. I found that when I started to post about my abuse, it helped me, by getting it all out.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to you, and don't ever feel alone again.

amy

trailmix

Absolutely what Amy said, don't ever hesitate to post! You aren't "bothering" anyone, we are here to support you.

Also as Amy said you are helping others by posting your experience. While many just read here and don't post, your story might resonate with one of them and might be the very thing they need to know that they too can start to heal after abuse.

After going through any traumatic time, there is that experience of learning to navigate the world again. I went through something and without going in to the long story I too went through that navigation.

Instead of being scared (although yes, there was fear sometimes) I found it fun. Everything that I had taken for granted was now new. It was like discovering things. If I was scared, well I did it scared.

There are actually a lot of nice people in the world (lots of not nice people too of course) and it's funny how when you are around those nice people how the room is full of good instead of bad. I don't want to sound all airy-fairy, it's just something I noticed.

You are still that loving, social, happy person, that hasn't changed, it's there and you will be that again, just need time to build yourself up again. I'm glad to hear you feel you are on that road already.

Sasha1972

Raindrops I am so glad you got out of that nightmare. You should be very proud of yourself for saying NO MORE.

Sasha1972

With respect to the question in the first post - I think straight women have been sold a bill of goods when it comes to seeing possessive, abusive behavior in men as "romantic" and "passionate". We're told that if a man is insanely "in love" with us, he just loses control and it's somehow wonderful and okay.

One of my first memories of a pop song is the Pointer Sister, "Fire", when I was in elementary school:

I'm riding in your car, you turn on the radio
You're pulling me close, I just say no
I say I don't like it, but you know I'm a liar
'Cause when we kiss, ooh, fire

That's abuse. But it's made to sound, well, like love.

And don't even get me started on "50 Shades". Or the whole "bad boy" mystique.

I know straight women don't have a monopoly on codependent behavior or on being victimized by horrible people. But I do think we've been "programmed" to read the warning signs as signs of great passion and devotion.

bradly22

I've seen it time and time again; jerks tend to have success with the ladies.

OpheliaKatz

This is why I completely disagree with the whole: "She went back to an abusive relationship because she's a codependent" line. This puts the blame on the victim, when it's actually the perpetrator of abuse that deserves the blame. Women who are victims of abuse don't go back because they're codependent. That is too simplistic an explanation.

Women who are victims of abuse sometimes go back because he f***** with her brain... because he tells her that he'll kill himself if she does... and he tries to or has tried to multiple times (because this is his control strategy). Women go back because the intermittent cycle of reward and abuse are so extreme, that it creates an addiction to the occasional "good times" (abuse creates its own addictive cycle). Because he isolated her so much from her friends and family that he's all she knows now, the only company she has. Because he controls her money, her pets, her offspring. So she goes back. She goes back because he makes co-parenting difficult and he tries to turn her children against her. She goes back because she thinks she has no choice but to cooperate... even if she doesn't love him anymore. For some women, the only way they can leave is to kill themselves. So they do. There are many, many reasons why an abused woman keeps "going back". In fact, there's really no such thing as going back. There's "still trapped" and "free". Anyone who goes back was never really freed to begin with.

If you have ever been in a relationship like this, you'd know that they break you down so much, make you doubt yourself so much, manipulate and brainwash you and then put on their masks when they are in public so your friends and family also think that they're the sane ones and you're crazy, that you end up doubting ALL your decisions... including your decision to leave. I know a woman who ended up in jail because when her abusive husband was trying to choke her, she tried to peel his hands off her throat and her fingernail marks on his hands (and his crocodile tears) convinced the police that he was doing nothing wrong and that she was violent towards him. So she stays because she can't go to the police for safety... because she's been isolated from every avenue of rescue (she's financially dependent, her friends and family think her addict husband is a "great fun guy", and even the law are against her).

Some women side with their abusers because doing otherwise is dangerous -- fear controls their decisions, not logic. Enough exposure to fearful situations cause trauma, which can have symptoms like dissociation and depersonalisation, which makes decisions difficult. If they are made to side with their abusers often enough, it becomes a habit that's hard to break. Abusers are master manipulators.

The physical scars you see on an abused woman in the ER are only the scars you can see. You don't see the scars on her brain. You don't see the holes in her self-esteem. This is not codependency. Any treatment for codependency (like detachment), can actually put an abused woman in danger because trying to detach can actually provoke violence.

The reason you see more women in ER for injuries due to abuse, the reason that more women report it (even though it is under-reported), the reason that it's always women, women, women... is because the perpetrators of violence are mostly men. This is because of heterosexual, white, male entitlement. If you don't think this exists, TAKE A GOOD LOOK at society -- who holds the power in society. Women who speak up about abuse are NOT doormats. I have known more "happy" marriages where the wives put up with all kinds of jackassery with a smile (these women would never call this jack-ass behavior abuse) and then they say to me, "but men are like that, Okatz." Umm... no, your man, because you accept his man-child behavior, is like that. I tried to have boundaries about his man-child behavior, and then he tried to make me pay.

OpheliaKatz

This is not "success", this is manipulation and those woman will suffer. Their behavior is not admirable.

OpheliaKatz

Well, it's everywhere. Look at all the fairy tales we grow up with? Cinderella. Snow white. Sleeping beauty. I'm not talking about the revisionist Disney versions, and in some cases those are no better.

Part of the job of culture is to make people obedient.

OpheliaKatz

Raindrops. Give yourself time to heal. 32 is not old. It's okay to be 32 and enjoy your own company if it makes you feel safe. I'm much older than that and I only got out of my situation recently. At least I don't have to live my old age with an entitled parasite. Never feel ashamed of talking. Never be afraid to say no. You don't owe anyone an explanation for anything.