Is he an alcoholic? What did I just live through?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
My XAH and I had some great times too--he could be sweet and loving and fun. He fixed and maintained a lot of things around the house. On the surface, he looked like the perfect guy.
Underneath, it was another story. He stole from our retirement savings. He lied to me and manipulated me. This went on for over 20 years, until finally, w/the help of SR and Alanon, I started my own recovery and realized that stealing, lying and manipulating do NOT equal love, at least in my world.
I also realized that life holds many, many different paths and choices. I no longer believe there is one and only one "right" direction, person, job, place to live, etc. All paths and choices have things I perceive as positive and things I perceive as negative--there is simply NO "right" choice that will guarantee me bluebirds singing and rainbows and unicorns every day. This went a long way toward alleviating my fears about somehow "missing my soulmate, the only one in the world, ever, for me" if I left XAH.
Since I am using the term "XAH", you would correctly surmise that I did in fact end the marriage. Not quite 3 years ago, actually. I've learned a lot. I've grown a lot. One of the big things I've learned is that I, just me, alone and myself, am enough. I don't NEED someone else to validate me. It's freeing to realize this for the first time in well over 50 years of being alive.
So as others have said, educate yourself, respect yourself, reflect on this, and then act in accordance w/what you've learned. You're gonna be OK.
Underneath, it was another story. He stole from our retirement savings. He lied to me and manipulated me. This went on for over 20 years, until finally, w/the help of SR and Alanon, I started my own recovery and realized that stealing, lying and manipulating do NOT equal love, at least in my world.
I also realized that life holds many, many different paths and choices. I no longer believe there is one and only one "right" direction, person, job, place to live, etc. All paths and choices have things I perceive as positive and things I perceive as negative--there is simply NO "right" choice that will guarantee me bluebirds singing and rainbows and unicorns every day. This went a long way toward alleviating my fears about somehow "missing my soulmate, the only one in the world, ever, for me" if I left XAH.
Since I am using the term "XAH", you would correctly surmise that I did in fact end the marriage. Not quite 3 years ago, actually. I've learned a lot. I've grown a lot. One of the big things I've learned is that I, just me, alone and myself, am enough. I don't NEED someone else to validate me. It's freeing to realize this for the first time in well over 50 years of being alive.
So as others have said, educate yourself, respect yourself, reflect on this, and then act in accordance w/what you've learned. You're gonna be OK.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
He understands that continuing with your relationship will put the focus on his drinking, which will equal pressure to drink less, or not at all. In his current state he can't allow that to happen.
He won't be honest with you about why, because that would mean facing the truth.
You really don't want to be doing this in 5 years time, no matter how you feel about him now.
I'm glad you've seen this side of him before you marry and have children.
He won't be honest with you about why, because that would mean facing the truth.
You really don't want to be doing this in 5 years time, no matter how you feel about him now.
I'm glad you've seen this side of him before you marry and have children.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
My almost xah and me had a lot of good times. He is in an executive position in a big company and I have a stable career. We both loved to travel. We went places. Did fun things. The only common string was that on those vacations, my heart would beat faster every time he insisted on drinking. I did not know what I would be dealing with after. I have been " forgotten" on roads at midnight and had to find my way around to hotels. I have been called nasty names for getting angry at him for not giving me the hotel room keys when I was " forgotten" on the road and had to then find someone to give me spare keys for the room at midnight. I was newly married when on our honeymoon trip he created a scene at the airport because he was drunk. He would then promise to be careful the next time and so he started getting extra keys for rooms and started not drinking at the airport lounge. Stopping or getting help or quitting alcohol was not even an option.
The good times will get fewer as the disease progresses. I have spent countless weekends staring at the tv on weekend while he was passed out. Had to cancel dinner reservations week after week because he was passed out. I refused to go on a trip to Hawaii towards the end because I was too scared what will happen if he starts drinking there. Too tired to be left alone to do things.
Is that the life you want to live? If yes, then ask yourself - why.
I was his constant. He wasn't mine. If I made a mistake- it was too much. He would use that as an excuse to pick up a fight to go drink. If I had a career achievement , he would drink. If I was sad about something, he would drink.
Countless promises of it will never happen again was when I realized that it will happen again because he wasn't committed to sobriety.
He himself probably doesn't know what that entails but that is his side of the street. Abuse is not limited to physical beating. Abuse is verbal, emotional, financial - I went through all of it. It leaves a deep cut and that bleeding takes a long time to stop than any physical assault. Look at why you want to be with someone who isn't capable of having a constant personality and being a constant partner. I come from a dysfunctional family so verbal abuse was normal to me till I had to learn that it's not normal. You have a lot to work on yourself. Go to alanon. See what similarities you can find there for your situation and leave the rest. Go to therapy . Figure out your side of the street first- it might or might not help with his recovery but you will be a healthier person for yourself. His recovery is not your responsibility. It's his. Do I love him? Yes. My heart beats for him till this day . But love is not enough. I will not go down with that sinking ship. It is a progressive disease.
The good times will get fewer as the disease progresses. I have spent countless weekends staring at the tv on weekend while he was passed out. Had to cancel dinner reservations week after week because he was passed out. I refused to go on a trip to Hawaii towards the end because I was too scared what will happen if he starts drinking there. Too tired to be left alone to do things.
Is that the life you want to live? If yes, then ask yourself - why.
I was his constant. He wasn't mine. If I made a mistake- it was too much. He would use that as an excuse to pick up a fight to go drink. If I had a career achievement , he would drink. If I was sad about something, he would drink.
Countless promises of it will never happen again was when I realized that it will happen again because he wasn't committed to sobriety.
He himself probably doesn't know what that entails but that is his side of the street. Abuse is not limited to physical beating. Abuse is verbal, emotional, financial - I went through all of it. It leaves a deep cut and that bleeding takes a long time to stop than any physical assault. Look at why you want to be with someone who isn't capable of having a constant personality and being a constant partner. I come from a dysfunctional family so verbal abuse was normal to me till I had to learn that it's not normal. You have a lot to work on yourself. Go to alanon. See what similarities you can find there for your situation and leave the rest. Go to therapy . Figure out your side of the street first- it might or might not help with his recovery but you will be a healthier person for yourself. His recovery is not your responsibility. It's his. Do I love him? Yes. My heart beats for him till this day . But love is not enough. I will not go down with that sinking ship. It is a progressive disease.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
He's correct, You do deserve better than that. Count yourself lucky that you found out who he really is in just six months time. Besides the fact that he sounds like a class A jerk, it would seem that he does indeed have an issue with alcohol. Don't make it yours....
Ro
Ro
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Originally Posted by Looking4Clues 
Thank you all for the advice and resources!
My biggest hurdle now is how do I move on from this? We still haven’t spoken but I know this relationship is all but over. Even though I know he’s treated me poorly, how do I not miss the good times (there were so many, even though it might not sound like it!)? What if the “good guy” side was the REAL him and he just didn’t think I was “enough” to be that for all the time? What if he was just a jerk/drank because he was bored with me and wanted out but felt too bad to say it?
I realize this probably sounds irrational, but it’s where I’m at emotionally right now ...
My biggest hurdle now is how do I move on from this? We still haven’t spoken but I know this relationship is all but over. Even though I know he’s treated me poorly, how do I not miss the good times (there were so many, even though it might not sound like it!)? What if the “good guy” side was the REAL him and he just didn’t think I was “enough” to be that for all the time? What if he was just a jerk/drank because he was bored with me and wanted out but felt too bad to say it?
I realize this probably sounds irrational, but it’s where I’m at emotionally right now ...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by kittycat3
How do you move on? It’s totally ok to mourn your loss, don’t expect to not be sad....Have you considered a therapist? They would be able to help you analyze what it is about you (ie, low self esteem, family of origin behavior, etc) that found this guy attractive, why do you tend to put up with this behavior instead of setting boundaries and leaving? That will help you understand yourself better so the next time this kind of guy crosses your path you won’t get tangled up.
Thanks, Kittycat. I know everyone always says this kind of thing is self-esteem related, but I think I like myself alright. I know I have a lot to offer a partner - pretty, sweet, intelligent, funny, caring - and come from a loving family. I think what kept me stuck in this relationship after things turned bad was that I couldn't believe the "bad side" was the real him. I kept blaming it on work stress or the stress of having uprooted to a new location. I kept waiting for the nice guy I fell in love with to re-emerge. It's hard to imagine someone would give up a healthy, loving relationship for a life of boozing and partying (especially at 40!). Plus I've known him casually for years and I'm friends with his sister so I know he comes from a nice family and nobody ever said he had these problems. They just said "Oh yeah he likes to drink" and kind of laughed it off. So I thought maybe I was making a big deal out of it all ...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
He understands that continuing with your relationship will put the focus on his drinking, which will equal pressure to drink less, or not at all. In his current state he can't allow that to happen.
He won't be honest with you about why, because that would mean facing the truth.
You really don't want to be doing this in 5 years time, no matter how you feel about him now.
I'm glad you've seen this side of him before you marry and have children.
He won't be honest with you about why, because that would mean facing the truth.
You really don't want to be doing this in 5 years time, no matter how you feel about him now.
I'm glad you've seen this side of him before you marry and have children.
I think you might be right. Because towards the end (particularly the last month), he has been progressively more annoyed that he "has" to go do things with me like hiking, bike riding, going to the beach, just spending leisure time together when he'd rather do his own thing which I'm realizing translates to getting drunk with his buddies or just hitting the bottle at home by himself. I think our relationship was cutting too much into his drinking time. How sad and pathetic that sounds when I type it out!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
I think our relationship was cutting too much into his drinking time. How sad and pathetic that sounds when I type it out!
Many alcoholics can moderate their drinking for a time, well that time is up for him and now you are an obstacle.
Most alcoholics won't go to say, a restaurant, when there won't be alcohol involved. Did you find yourself eating at a lot of pubs?
As you mentioned, he had some great "epiphany" that he was going to do this and that with his life, well that's not quite panning out. It would seem he looked at that and has decided that for now drinking (no doubt the way he ALWAYS has) is good! This is not because of you, at all, or your worth or how "interesting" you are. To an addict their drug is first in line, the drive to drink or drug, as the case may be, is all encompassing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by trailmix
Honestly it reads just like that to me. Initially it was probably a good distraction for him (from drinking) but life settles down, hiking the third time around is not as much fun as the first time and if he is in a particularly "drinky" mood, it's a huge bummer.
Many alcoholics can moderate their drinking for a time, well that time is up for him and now you are an obstacle.
Most alcoholics won't go to say, a restaurant, when there won't be alcohol involved. Did you find yourself eating at a lot of pubs?
As you mentioned, he had some great "epiphany" that he was going to do this and that with his life, well that's not quite panning out. It would seem he looked at that and has decided that for now drinking (no doubt the way he ALWAYS has) is good! This is not because of you, at all, or your worth or how "interesting" you are. To an addict their drug is first in line, the drive to drink or drug, as the case may be, is all encompassing.
Many alcoholics can moderate their drinking for a time, well that time is up for him and now you are an obstacle.
Most alcoholics won't go to say, a restaurant, when there won't be alcohol involved. Did you find yourself eating at a lot of pubs?
As you mentioned, he had some great "epiphany" that he was going to do this and that with his life, well that's not quite panning out. It would seem he looked at that and has decided that for now drinking (no doubt the way he ALWAYS has) is good! This is not because of you, at all, or your worth or how "interesting" you are. To an addict their drug is first in line, the drive to drink or drug, as the case may be, is all encompassing.
Thank you so much, Trailmix! It’s funny you ask about eating at pubs - the entire time we were together we only sat at a table maybe a handful of times - usually when with a group of other people when a reservation had been made - when we’d go out to eat at a restaurant (and we usually went out a couple times a week). Every other time we sat and had dinner at the bar! He loved nothing more than to be able to order off the normal dinner menu at the bar. I always thought it was a weird preference considering you can still order drinks from a server at a table ... he just said “there’s better service at the bar.”
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Looking4clues, you really seem to have quite the steep learning curve and are figuring this out fast. Only 6 months in and you are already thinking "wtf???".
Congrats on having whatever it is that has brought you to the realization that something isn't right with this man. You will probably still have to grieve this relationship and the hope that is dying and grieving takes time.
Many of us here are codependent and are actually attracted to people like your boyfriend. Some folks here have questioned if everyone who winds up with an alcoholic is codependent. Its an interesting thought. When I see someone like you figure it out so fast, I think not all of us are fundamentally codependent.
I'm kind of rambling here. Sorry if I didn't make much sense.
Peace and healing to you wise woman!!
Congrats on having whatever it is that has brought you to the realization that something isn't right with this man. You will probably still have to grieve this relationship and the hope that is dying and grieving takes time.
Many of us here are codependent and are actually attracted to people like your boyfriend. Some folks here have questioned if everyone who winds up with an alcoholic is codependent. Its an interesting thought. When I see someone like you figure it out so fast, I think not all of us are fundamentally codependent.
I'm kind of rambling here. Sorry if I didn't make much sense.
Peace and healing to you wise woman!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Looking4clues, you really seem to have quite the steep learning curve and are figuring this out fast. Only 6 months in and you are already thinking "wtf???".
Congrats on having whatever it is that has brought you to the realization that something isn't right with this man. You will probably still have to grieve this relationship and the hope that is dying and grieving takes time.
Many of us here are codependent and are actually attracted to people like your boyfriend. Some folks here have questioned if everyone who winds up with an alcoholic is codependent. Its an interesting thought. When I see someone like you figure it out so fast, I think not all of us are fundamentally codependent.
I'm kind of rambling here. Sorry if I didn't make much sense.
Peace and healing to you wise woman!!
Congrats on having whatever it is that has brought you to the realization that something isn't right with this man. You will probably still have to grieve this relationship and the hope that is dying and grieving takes time.
Many of us here are codependent and are actually attracted to people like your boyfriend. Some folks here have questioned if everyone who winds up with an alcoholic is codependent. Its an interesting thought. When I see someone like you figure it out so fast, I think not all of us are fundamentally codependent.
I'm kind of rambling here. Sorry if I didn't make much sense.
Peace and healing to you wise woman!!
Thank you, Bekindalways (love the name btw!). Haha I don't know how wise I am, but I'm learning one day at a time. I'm definitely a caretaker sort by nature, and always look for the best in people, for often far too long as in this case, so I definitely have my own codependent tendencies.
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