StandingStrong

During my time here at SR, I have come to realize how I tried to control and manipulative my AH to stop drinking, pay bills, etc. as I would do. As strange as it may sound, everything that I was trying to accomplish was not just for my own sake. It would benefit all of us, my AH, my children, myself, etc. But I realized that this is how I had acted and I have tried to not do that anymore, not with anyone!
Today I was at my parent's house. My Dad has offered to co-sign on a loan for me to get a vehicle to get through winter. I've had no luck in finding anything at all and I have been feeling very stressed about it. During my visit, my Dad was explaining to me (yet again) why I should get what he wants me to get, how I've gotten that "sickness" now that I've driven a 4 wheel drive and want another, how he (and a list of others he knows) have never had a 4 wheel drive and they manage just fine, etc. The "lecture" was going on again for about the 3rd time during my visit and I had enough. I had my head down on the dining room table and I just couldn't take it anymore! I sat up and told my kid's "let's go!!!!!" And I left. As I was going out the door, I could hear my Dad kind of laughing because he knew that he had got to me - I could hear my Mom griping at him for not listening to what I had been trying to say and for not helping me. Had my kids not been with me, I would have just got into my car and drove down the street and just cried my eyes out. I feel so stressed to the maximum! My Dad has always been an instigator and loves to argue, but today I just really didn't need it.
I remember years ago my mom telling me how my Dad was controlling. Today I saw it. I've seen it before but never really realized it. He is controlling and he is manipulative. And as I drove home, I wondered if I had made my AH feel the very way that I was feeling. Low self-esteem, broken, devastated, disappointed by not being supported, etc. And then I thought, "Wow! I grew up with that, married an A who tried to control and manipulate me, I in turn tried to control and manipulate him. Now as I need help with something, my Dad is doing it to me!"
I'm having such a bad day, actually a bad week. Winter is fast approaching, I can't seem to find a vehicle. My Dad keeps asking about how much I can pay a month for a payment and honestly, I'm unsure. My lawyer's appt isn't until next week! I've had to recently get insurance on the kid's and myself because AH hasn't had us covered since June and I was finally able to enroll us in my place of employment. And so that's even more money I now have going out. Plus a car payment coming of some kind with added insurance. Christmas is coming and the kid's birthdays are all next month as well.
Everyone has always told me that I"m too independent and that I need to ask people for help. Well, my best friend isn't home (she never is), my Dad is just trying to control and manipulate me, and really right now, I just feel so alone! I'm finally asking for help and it seems that no one is really helping me.
I just want to crawl into bed, draw the blankets over my head, and cry myself into a puddle.

And don't even ask how many times today I've had to ask myself or wonder if life with my AH wouldn't be better than how I've been feeling lately!!!!!!!!! Having a major down day today.

StandingStrong

For the record, the reason that I prefer to have a 4 wheel drive versus a front wheel drive.....I'm used to 4 wheel drive. I've had very little experience with front wheel drive and I do know they handle different. I want something that I'm comfortable with! The last thing I need is to get a car that I'm unsure how to handle on bad roads and end up wrecking the darn thing! And from what I'm seeing here in my area, front wheel drive and 4 wheel drive are about the same price as I'm looking at used vehicles. So if I'm going to spend about the same amount of money, I'd rather have something that I'm used to driving!!!!!
But will he hear me? Heck no!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGH! Calgon take me away!!!!!!!!!!

luvmyfurbabies

StandingStrong, I don't have any easy answers for you and I know how it is to have a bad day and week. It makes you wonder "Why me?". I just want to say we are here for you and vent away. Life is way too complicated these days. You will get through this. I can sympathize with you about your father. My dad is very manipulative also. We have to agree to disagree. I am also an only child and I am the only one he will let do anything for him. Most of what he tries to do ends up being a disaster as mentally he doesn't live on this planet sometimes.

DesertEyes

Hang in there SS. It's ok to have a bad day and just want to cry into a puddle. I've had quite a few days like that over here. Give yourself a little credit, you've got a huge amount of stress going on, and a huge amount of stuff to do. You're allowed to feel overwhelmed, that's perfectly normal.

Take a slow breath. A long, slow, easy breath and just turn off the brain for 5 seconds. Just to get yourself grounded.

Do you have any meetings you can go to? Do you have a list of phone numbers from people at those meeting that you can call. I find it amazingly helpful just to hear another person's voice on the phone, grounds me right away. I've also found that _they_ are glad to hear me, cuz they got their own craziness going on.

Here's what helps me. I've made a list of everything I need to get done here with my own crisis. It's one _big_ list, but this way it's out of my head. I have it in order based on what needs to be done _first_, or most urgently. I look at my list constantly and see what I can do _today_. I'm not even thinking of tomorrow.

Here's an idea, see if it works for you. Create some kind of time limit. Next time you see or call your dad decide ahead of time how long you will limit contact with him. I used to do 20 minutes max with my folks cuz I'd start to loose it at around 30 minutes. Set an alarm if you have to. When the time is up I would have some previously prepared excuse as to why I had to hang up or leave. That way _I_ was in control of how much exposure I had to their toxic attitudes.

Yeah, me too. Must be a common codie thing. I think you're doing just fine. You're taking care of everything, one task at a time. You will get it all taken care of. Perhaps you might want to consider to give _yourself_ a little more time in your schedule, just to re-charge your own batteries. What I do is give myself short breaks thru the whole day. Sometimes just 5 minutes every hour, sometimes a little longer. Does wonders for my serenity.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)

JT

StandingStrong,

It will happen...you will find your car and you will figure out the birthdays and Christmas. Just keep showing up and doing the work.

It sounds like you are going through some growth at the same time you are going through a major life changing experience. That is bound to have you feeling shaky. I felt tremendous guilt when I woke up to my own behaviors but do you know what? You did the best you knew how to do, you can't change it and you can begin to do better on that control thing now, starting today...one thing at a time.

And that car? You want what you want...your Dad is being who he is and has always been. Go forth and watch the ads, the cars on the corner and check local papers classifieds on-line. You will find it.

And try to stay in the day...not the tomorrow. There is a reason for the slogan "One day at a time"

(((Hugs)))
JT

JessicaNAJ

((((StandingStrong))))

Hugs for you. I feel your pain. It seems to me that when I ask for help, everyone wants you to do it they're way and they don't listen or care about what you want. I've starting tackling things myself just so I don't have to "cave" into their ideas. It can be very frustrating.

If you want a 4 wheel drive vehicle, I say - go for it!! I'm not sure how things work where you live, but when I got my first car from a dealer, I got it on a lease (because the payments were lower) and I didn't need a co-signer. That was awesome because then I didn't need anyones approval on what I got and I got what I wanted.

Like JT said, one day at a time - we are always here for you.

Jessica

StandingStrong

Thank you all so much.

JT, you really must pay attention because it's true that I've had a very huge year! I've had tons of changes in my life and have grown alot. Sometimes it does seem overwhelming. But the deal with my needing a car is a different kind of overwhelming - it's more like STESS!!!! I'm truly feeling desperate!

You see, I have a vehicle. It's paid off, has low mileage (cuz it's not driven in the winter), has been very reliable, etc. My Dad thinks I should trade it in - I think that's just crazy!!!!! Of course then he suggests I get a front wheel drive vehicle. Really, I have no problem with that. It's just that what I'm finding tends to be the same price as a 4 wheel drive so it just makes more sense to me to get a 4 wheel drive. (Even if the insurance and maintenance is a tad bit higher). But anyways....

Vehicles are something that my AH is great about. He always took care of this sort of thing. I realize now that I took that for granted.
My Dad is willing to co-sign for me. But said that he didn't want to pick something for me or get too involved in case something happened later (like problems with the car) that he would feel badly about. I understand that, I really really do. But honestly, I'm feeling really stessed right now as I can't hold Mother Nature off.

I went to some more dealerships today. They were closed with it being Sunday but I browsed around and wrote down the info on the ones that I might be interested in so I can call them later. I also checked out the newspapers and called about one in there.

I'll just keep doing the best I can and hope it's enough. But D**M, this is hard!
It's almost like feeling lost and desperate in the same way that I felt when I was with my AH and felt "stuck".

JT

Ok...you think it is crazy to trade in a paid off vehicle, never driven in the winter, so why are you? I know I had a Supra at one time and driving that in the winter is just nuts. Is it a winter vehicle at all? I have 4 wheel drive too because I drive a long way to work. Can you drive the paid off one in the winter?? If you can why take on a payment?

JT

DenYES

Ooooh, my heart aches for you. For the record, you DON'T ever have to justify your feelings or wants ... you deserve them .. they are yours ......

.... breathe slowly, in through the nose, out through the mouth, close your eyes and acknowledge what a wonderful, strong person you are .... give yourself permission to grieve some circumstances and embrace others .... it's all growing pains .. use the experience to acknowledge the truths about yourself and embrace the growth ... what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and you're stronger than you think!

Keep the faith, you'll be ok.

cwohio

standing - you are doing great! we all have those "bumps" in the road. you have taken great initiative to learn more about getting a vehicle. just keep coming back here for strength and support from your sr family - we'll be here!

jessieandme2003

SS- you are doing great. Just keep talking about it. You just need to get it out in front of you and know you are making sense. We are here to give you that feeling of support.
I think you really know what you are doing and know what you want. You just get a little shaky every now and then in trusting yourself to do this right. Especially when those around you are saying to do different, or your ex AH made you feel it was something he could do better than you.
No one can know what you want better than you. No one can know what will make you feel happy, safe, and comfortable better than you.
I used to feel the same, there were things my AH took care of that I felt overwhelmed to now take care of myself. So I complained and cried and got stressed, felt it was so unfait that I had to figure it out. But then I worked through it. So will you. It is great that you are doing the investigation work, it will help you gain security in your belief you CAN make a good decision on this.
I already believe you can, now you just need to believe it.

StandingStrong

I must not have explained myself well - let me try again.

I have a vehicle. It's paid off. However - it does NOT go in snow. It never has. Because my AH and I worked different shifts, we shared his vehicle in the winter months. Now that we are seperated, I have no other vehicle to drive this winter.
My car will NOT go in snow so if it snows before I get a vehicle, I"m really going to be stuck here - literally!
My Dad feels I should trade my car in for another car. Whether that be get a loan for the difference in amount - or trade it even up for something which would leave me with no loan. I don't want to trade my car in. I'm not looking to go into debt thousands and thousands of dollars for a vehicle, I just need something to get me through winter! Nothing elaborate at all.

Talked to a few more people today about looking for me to help me find a vehicle. You'd think with how many people I have looking for me, something would come up! I'm still looking and still hoping.

Thank you all for your support. this may all sound petty to you - but for me, it's really stressing me out.

JessicaNAJ

SS - I completely understand this all being so overwhelming for you. But you can get through it. I don't mean to pry, but when you do get a new car, will it be from a dealer? or are you looking to buy from a private owner? Do you need to have two cars (insurance could be higher on two cars)?

JT

StandingStrong,

You explained youself just fine. Like I said I had a Supra...that car would never go in the winter.

You will find it...I know you will!

Hugs,
JT

Ann

StandingStrong

Is this something that yor husband used to do for you? Do you find it hard trying to handle stuff that you never had to handle before? Just a guess, but I'm thnking that part of the feeling overwhelmed is that you are learning to do things for yourself that you didn't have to do before. Am I close?

Hugs
Ann

StandingStrong

Ann, that's part of it. The having to deal with things that I know absolutely nothing about (like vehicles)! There have been other things that have been "new" to me in doing this past year but none of them stressed me like this. I think this is such a big deal because it's such a necessity! I mean, I know that winter is coming and I have to get a car! There is no real choice to be made about it. And being on a deadline isn't helping.

I went tonight and looked at another vehicle that an old co-worker found for me. The price is reasonable. It needs a few things done on it, but AH's old employer (Who owns a garage) has offered to check the vehicle over for me to make sure it's okay. He's also offered to do whatever work needs done and allow me to make payments to them to pay the bill. (Which is really huge because AH left their business owing them quite a bit of money! However, they know it's not my fault and they trust me to pay them.)

I'm feeling more relaxed tonight. However, my Dad is going tomorrow to look at it. And hopefully I'll be able to run it down to the garage to have them check it out as well. I just really want this to work out. Getting a vehicle and having it done will just take away so much of my stress. (And by the way - it's a 4-wheel drive, LOL)

My lawyer appt. is also coming up. It's on Monday. That's also part of my stress for sure.
Also since AH never got insurance for the kids, I just recently got us insurance through work and I know that is another $240. a month that I'll be missing. People are always amazed when they find out how much I make because I manage to spread that money so far - but I know that it can only be spread so far until it just can't be spread anymore!

In truth, I have a lot of things that are stressful right now. But in prioritizing them, the car is the biggest and most important thing right now. I just want to get that done with so I can breathe easier and not worry about Mother Nature catching me unprepared. And then I can move on to the other things.

Keep wishing me luck! I really want this vehicle to pass my Dad and the mechanic's approval so I can get this done!

Thank you again for listening to me de-stress.

DesertEyes

You're doing great SS :-) Me thinks with all the stress you've got going over there you're doing an admirable job of taking care of things.

I'll be praying for you and your 4wheel drive :-)

Mike :-)

cwohio

ss - man - i agree with mike - i would probably be curled up in a little ball somewhere if i was in your shoes. i predict a positive outcome for your car situation (our hp works miracles).

hugs to you and keep up the great work!

StandingStrong

Well, despite the fact that some of you may be tiring of hearing my on-going saga....I thought I'd share an update anyways.
Took my Dad to see the car. He approved! (Shocked face here!) We then took it down to the garage and had the owner look it over. It will cost me a couple hundred dollars to get some things fixed, but all in all, the owner was impressed with it's shape and said that it's a good vehicle. He even called a friend of his that owns a car lot and found out what that guy would sell it for if he had it on his lot!
So now it's time to wheel and deal! I'm going to call the guy tonight and if he will agree to what I'm offering then I'll be heading to the bank tomorrow! (I'm offering a few hundred less than he asked since it's going to cost me that much to fix it)
So wish me luck!!!!! I so want this to be over with!

Thanks again for all of your support. Honestly, it means so much to me, you have no idea.

Still trying to remain StandingStrong.