Eauchiche

Dear friends
I am unsure whether this thread belongs here, or under the ACA sections.
I attend a church where the self-absorbed pastor periodically triggers my ACA issues. I describe him as living with my addict father all over again. Everybody else in our church thinks he is just great. There is even a star in the sidewalk for him in front of our local theater. Ours is the biggest megachurch in town, all because of him.
My friends at the church just don't get why I avoid contact with him. They are all tying to get me more involved in his programs. I am past going to things and just playing nice. I feel like I just need to hide from "daddy." Please don't suggest that I talk to him. He is too busy to meet with me and wont answer any of my e-mails. This has been going on several years. When I hear about others who get right in to see him, I cant believe it.

My question for you folks is, should I find a different church, or use this as an opportunity to work past some ACA issues? Many thanks!

trailmix

Find a new church!

There are millions of them. While I applaud your questioning whether to hold your ground and work through this, I have to believe there are better and healthier ways to do that that don't involve beating your head against a wall.

CentralOhioDad

I'm with trailmix - find a new place to go.

If you feel so inclined, you could also work on any issues you feel necessary, but being triggered weekly is not going to help your progress. IMHO

COD

Mango212

My experience:

1. Trust my gut.

2. Discuss this with God. Discuss this, if I need to, in safe places I'm lead to. Don't discuss it with people who don't understand. Period. When my gut is trying to tell me something, it doesn't matter if no one else sees or understands this.

3. Keep focus on self. On my life.

I just went round with this again in my life, only it was family instead of church. I didn't realize I'd lost focus of Self healing until God brought me to that, in His timing.

I met with a friend from Alanon today and with some honest truth in my words, kind feedback from her and healing tears flowing, I found freedom again.

Walking back to my car, there was a sidewalk board that said: "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without. - Buddha"

Perhaps do both, if you're drawn to it? Enjoy new churches and occasionally go to this one as you're drawn back to it. More will be revealed.

No wrong path. Simply new explorations. Of Life. Of Faith. Of Self.

(((hugs)))

tomsteve

just my opinion and ill just use one little sentence ya typed:
My question for you folks is, should I find a different church, or use this as an opportunity to work past some ACA issues?

im not saying what im thinkin is right, but seems that when theres an opportunity to get past something...................

Mango212

Totally agree! The amazing part for me is sometimes the opportunity in working through past hurts is in walking away from situations that aren't working for me.

I've had this happen with church, family and my job. Re-encountering these situations later, I've been stronger with more solid skills to deal with them differently.

I've heard that in the "pause" and in the doing things differently, I become willing to let God do the work. I relate to that thought.

Eauchiche

Thanks, everyone, for your comments. As usual, I see a lot of collective wisdom coming into play, and I am grateful to all of you.

Very good about trying other churches and re-attending mine as I see fit. In other words, one need not make vows to stay away forever!
I also like the concept of something "not working." So very true!
Thanks again.

AnvilheadII

a pastor who has his own star on the sidewalk.........hmmmm. that's sort of grandiose and doesn't have a really pastoral/mind of the flock feel......

Eauchiche

I didnt even talk about the bobble-head dolls of him the youth department was selling. I wasnt sure if I should get one and put it next to my statue of the Virgin Mary.

Refiner

Self-absorbed pastor (with a SIDEWALK STAR no less!), most popular MEGAchurch that is ALL BECAUSE OF HIM, wont answer your emails but does those of your friends astonishingly... all sounds like he’s a narcissist and is getting some kind of “reward” (aka “supply” in the NPD world) in order to interact with them and not you. Could be $, favors, flattery, on and on, who knows? Do you go to church to be closer to God or for the social setting? Because this “mega” church doesn’t sound very humble if the goal is to bring the flock closer to The Almighty.

PeacefulWater12

What I usually do with an opportunity like this, is use it to nudge out my deep issues, bring them up to the surface. I work on them. They then heal and the thing that was triggering me dissolves away. Painful but cleansing.

I tend to think that if I side step an opportunity to work on a particular issue, it will keep reappearing until I tackle it.

I am sure that guy would have triggered me too. Traits of my dad. I am ACoA. Funny how other people perceive them as wonderful and we feel them in a whole different way.

wehav2day

Ewwwwww I’m not usually one to scream bibleisms, but that sure smells like idolatry. The big J wasn’t hip on that...

While I too think an opportunity to get over something is typically the best route to take, it seems in this case you were trying extra hard to look at this situation as an opportunity. Like you were giving it your best shot to make lemonade out of lemons. Sometimes the lemonade is just too sour...

Clover71

Your instincts are telling you something - trust them. I also agree that finding a new church would be good. And yes, if your instincts are telling you to work through something, do that in an environment that works well for you where you feel safe and not peer pressured.

I don't mean to be rude, but your description of everything gave me the creeps

Sasha1972

You have GOT to be kidding.

I'm imagining Jesus and the moneychangers in the temple updated to involve action-figure sales ...

There's got to be another church in your area with a bit more, um, humility.

Nata1980

Another vote on different church. Yikes. Beating your head against the wall sounds about right

Eauchiche

Thanks to you all again!
I believe the healing I need is already starting on this page right now. The clarity you folks are helping me with is amazing.
I have "slept on" things, and see my perspective changing to bigger picture issues. This whole church thing is starting to resemble my FOO in an uncanny way. I hope to be another voice of experience for those of us dealing with similar issues in their lives.
Here are the facts:
1. "Daddy" in this case is the pastor. He is totally in charge. Whatever he says goes, right or wrong.
2. I have close relationships with many "siblings" in this family. The thought of not seeing them regularly is painful.
3. I can go to that church for sacraments and to see my friends, while maintaining a low profile. Thriving in that environment, emotionally or spiritually is unlikely.
4. I am going through the same thought processes I did when deciding to leave my ex, and go no-contact with my family of origin.
5. You work on things in life you can help (Serenity prayer: change the things I can...), and admit that some things in life are not fixable (wisdom to know the difference.)
6. Our local culture in this town has a high addiction rate, per capita.
7. There seems to be a culture here that likes to run after charismatic leaders and "worship" them.
8. I think there is a connection between #6 and #7. In other words, this is a very codependent place.

Thanks again for all your support. My game plan is to start visiting other parishes, without making any hard decisions about mine yet. I'll dip my toe in the water a few places and "go with my gut."

Bernadette

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eauchiche

Thanks to you all again!
I believe the healing I need is already starting on this page right now. The clarity you folks are helping me with is amazing.
I have "slept on" things, and see my perspective changing to bigger picture issues. This whole church thing is starting to resemble my FOO in an uncanny way. I hope to be another voice of experience for those of us dealing with similar issues in their lives.
Here are the facts:
1. "Daddy" in this case is the pastor. He is totally in charge. Whatever he says goes, right or wrong.
2. I have close relationships with many "siblings" in this family. The thought of not seeing them regularly is painful.
3. I can go to that church for sacraments and to see my friends, while maintaining a low profile. Thriving in that environment, emotionally or spiritually is unlikely.
4. I am going through the same thought processes I did when deciding to leave my ex, and go no-contact with my family of origin.
5. You work on things in life you can help (Serenity prayer: change the things I can...), and admit that some things in life are not fixable (wisdom to know the difference.)
6. Our local culture in this town has a high addiction rate, per capita.
7. There seems to be a culture here that likes to run after charismatic leaders and "worship" them.
8. I think there is a connection between #6 and #7. In other words, this is a very codependent place.

Thanks again for all your support. My game plan is to start visiting other parishes, without making any hard decisions about mine yet. I'll dip my toe in the water a few places and "go with my gut."

This is brilliant!!! Just reading your list/breakdown gave me such a calm feeling; what a useful example.
And just as we have the freedom to leave/detach from a dysfunctional relationship with an alcoholic or a codie (courage to change the things I can) that freedom applies to all our relationships, especially when we are being present, honest, conscious and growing, not running and hiding. What a great post Eauchiche.

peace,
B.

atalose

His own star on the sidewalk and the youth department selling bobby-heads of him, can’t help wanting to say Eauchice don’t drink the Kool-Aid!!! Lol

Very insightful insights and I am glad you will venture out to visit others parishes!

FireSprite

This reminds me of honeypig's share about the briar patch:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...iar-patch.html (Moving Out of the Briar Patch)


For me, the Briar Patch relates more to my FOO issues, which I think you already know from our combined FOO threads, lol.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ch-my-foo.html (Revisiting the Briar Patch of my FOO)


My other thought is that I feel like you HAVE been dealing with this issue for a while now = working hard at tackling the FOO connection & working through what you can with what it is.

Maybe you've already gotten everything you can out of this experience & while important along your personal path, it's simply time to move on so that you can open up room for new growth?

Ladybird579

I left a place like this for similar reasons. I also lost a lot of so called friends cos of it but I don't regret it.