ALCOHOLIC S- dad, bro and me..trying to change
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,647
ALCOHOLIC S- dad, bro and me..trying to change
I am 2 years sober. 2.5 years ago my family cut me out of their lives when I suffered near fatal burns because of alcohol. My dad drank be-c someone he trusted- abused his trust as a priest and abused young boys. A lot. Probably including my dead bro (died of alcoholism) and possibly me as well. My dad was always angry and bitter, my mum was always afraid and was an expert in using emotional blackmail. My dead bro bullied me terribly- physically and mentally (not sexual- just violence). This, plus very bad bullying at school for years shaped me into the dysfunctional adult I became- as I too drank to seek oblivion. Like my dad and bro- I too have major depression. I only found out the abuse bit last week and am trying to get me head around it- learn, understand, accept- then hopefully let go.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 9
hey man im sorry about what life has thrown your direction. I understand you have been through alot and believe me i have too. I have a daughter who is 2 and before having her i have no ***** about my life and put myself in harms way so much Im surprised i made it through as i did. Ive learned to enjoy life without alcohol and simply take it day at a time and really understand that life is beautiful. I have recieved two DUI in 2 years with the second one pending ive lost my GF of ten years to careless decisions from drinking. i hardly see my daughter because of us being apart in different cities it makes it easy for me to hate life. Im 26yo. After 6 months of us being split im learning to love myself and trying to learn what i love rather than what i enjoyed doing with her. i encourage you to put alcohol down and begin to find out who you are and what you like to do and who you want to become.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Phoenix.......first, two years of sobriety is a very big deal and shows a lot of hard work and courage. I also suffered abuse in childhood and much of it healed thanks to a solid program of AA and therapy. It's a process, sometimes two steps forward and one back, but miracles do happen when you reach out for help. The more I put into recovery the more I get back....it's that simple. A big hug!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
You have endured much more than one person should bear. You are a survivor and two years sober on top of that. Maybe working through this latest information although difficult will finally bring you the peace you absolutely deserve. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Phoenix......I have always been in awe of your spirit and determination....
I hope that you can always remember that this is a great big planet...a great big world that is filled with love and hope and meaning....
Even though you did not get as much as you needed, as a child....there are people..millions of them, around the world, that will give it to you and also need it from you....
That person who was inside you the day that you were born, is still there, and can still grow and love and experience the joy of being alive......
I think you have inspired more people than you actually know......
I hope that you can always remember that this is a great big planet...a great big world that is filled with love and hope and meaning....
Even though you did not get as much as you needed, as a child....there are people..millions of them, around the world, that will give it to you and also need it from you....
That person who was inside you the day that you were born, is still there, and can still grow and love and experience the joy of being alive......
I think you have inspired more people than you actually know......
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,984
Our world celebrates so many sports heroes, academic heroes, soldier heroes, philanthropic heroes and then there are the PhoenixJs of this world. We at Soberrecovery celebrate this type.
You all are why I came and why I stay.
I'm a depressive and there are times that each day is a fight and there are no cheering crowds. I draft off of some of you when things get tough.
Thanks to all of you who get through another day still standing and sober or enduring whatever hardship reality handed you.
You all are why I came and why I stay.
I'm a depressive and there are times that each day is a fight and there are no cheering crowds. I draft off of some of you when things get tough.
Thanks to all of you who get through another day still standing and sober or enduring whatever hardship reality handed you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Hi PhoenixJ,
I agree with Dandylion, you do inspire more people than you know. I've read a lot of your posts and you just keep on keeping on. I know there is a dark side to all that, you struggle, but you get up and keep going! You look for new ways to progress and cope, that in itself is something that is rather amazing.
I was thinking about your post and my own Father. I wasn't estranged from him, he was an alcoholic. While I might not have cut him out of my life completely, it was a very superficial relationship. I told him as little about my life as possible, I glossed over, he was a great giver of advice! On the flipside he wasn't a bad person generally and if you needed help with your car or had a question on how to fix something, he was the guy to call, he understood how everything worked. He never had recovery, never sought it that I am aware of.
So I wasn't estranged from him, except for about a year. I don't even remember why now. I had finally just had enough I guess, tired of the drunk phone calls, I don't know. So I just stopped talking to him. If he would call, I wouldn't answer. He even tried to drop by one day and I passed him on the street and kept going (in my vehicle).
Eventually, after about a year, I started talking to him again, I don't remember why, I guess I cooled down.
As I write this I realize this isn't very helpful, just a small view from the other side of the story perhaps?
I didn't hate him but I didn't like him drunk. The thing for me, I think, is how badly he treated my Mother. Maybe the key here is, if he had made amends to my Mother, if he had made sure she was taken care of (I mean after they divorced) after staying at home all their married life and looking after us kiddies , if he had done more than just split the community property, maybe then I could have had more respect for him. I'm just thinking of this now.
My Father was married before he married my Mother. He had 3 children, two sons and a daughter. One day he returned from work and they were all gone. He never spoke to his sons again, I've never even met them.
Sorry if i'm rambling here, I wish I could be more help. I guess from this side of the street it's not all that clear either. It was how it was, we didn't question it, we didn't attempt to fix it.
Your story is different in that you are now a different guy. You are putting your life back together and if they had an opportunity to know you now, it would probably be different.
I'm just not sure how you break down those defenses. All I know is it can't be about you, it has to be about them. What do counsellors say?
I agree with Dandylion, you do inspire more people than you know. I've read a lot of your posts and you just keep on keeping on. I know there is a dark side to all that, you struggle, but you get up and keep going! You look for new ways to progress and cope, that in itself is something that is rather amazing.
I was thinking about your post and my own Father. I wasn't estranged from him, he was an alcoholic. While I might not have cut him out of my life completely, it was a very superficial relationship. I told him as little about my life as possible, I glossed over, he was a great giver of advice! On the flipside he wasn't a bad person generally and if you needed help with your car or had a question on how to fix something, he was the guy to call, he understood how everything worked. He never had recovery, never sought it that I am aware of.
So I wasn't estranged from him, except for about a year. I don't even remember why now. I had finally just had enough I guess, tired of the drunk phone calls, I don't know. So I just stopped talking to him. If he would call, I wouldn't answer. He even tried to drop by one day and I passed him on the street and kept going (in my vehicle).
Eventually, after about a year, I started talking to him again, I don't remember why, I guess I cooled down.
As I write this I realize this isn't very helpful, just a small view from the other side of the story perhaps?
I didn't hate him but I didn't like him drunk. The thing for me, I think, is how badly he treated my Mother. Maybe the key here is, if he had made amends to my Mother, if he had made sure she was taken care of (I mean after they divorced) after staying at home all their married life and looking after us kiddies , if he had done more than just split the community property, maybe then I could have had more respect for him. I'm just thinking of this now.
My Father was married before he married my Mother. He had 3 children, two sons and a daughter. One day he returned from work and they were all gone. He never spoke to his sons again, I've never even met them.
Sorry if i'm rambling here, I wish I could be more help. I guess from this side of the street it's not all that clear either. It was how it was, we didn't question it, we didn't attempt to fix it.
Your story is different in that you are now a different guy. You are putting your life back together and if they had an opportunity to know you now, it would probably be different.
I'm just not sure how you break down those defenses. All I know is it can't be about you, it has to be about them. What do counsellors say?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,647
Thank you all for the shares.
Trailmix- in fact your share helped a little. To know others have their own stories willing to be told...I learn from such shares.
As I do from all I read at SR. Perhaps one thing I glean from the stuff here- is recognition of positive attributes of self is just as important as doing it with the negative..otherwise we stunt our recovery??
This is one thing I am not good at.
Trailmix- in fact your share helped a little. To know others have their own stories willing to be told...I learn from such shares.
As I do from all I read at SR. Perhaps one thing I glean from the stuff here- is recognition of positive attributes of self is just as important as doing it with the negative..otherwise we stunt our recovery??
This is one thing I am not good at.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi PhoenixJ:This is one thing I am not good at.
It made me giggle to see you end your post about having to pay attention to the positive with this negative comment!
I literally used to go to negative thinking all the time - and I mean, we do have to have a balance of realistic/rational thinking when we evaluate our life and our choices, but I really struggled with constant negative thinking for a long time. All part and parcel of growing up in an A household.
Two things really helped me learn to approach things more positively and actually these approaches did change my thinking and my life!
One was your countrywoman Louise Hay's book "Heal Your Body" which is loaded with positive affirmations many of which I memorized and used almost like mantras when I was down in the black hole in my mind.
The other was cognitive behavior therapy. I've done 2 rounds of it with a therapist - each for approx 6 months and that really made a huge difference in my life and thinking.
Just some of the structure of Louise's affirmations is super helpful - for example where you said "I am not good at XYZ" you can reframe that with phrases like "I now choose to..." or "I am free to..."
i now choose to support myself in loving joyous ways. I am free to feel positive!
Peace,
B
It made me giggle to see you end your post about having to pay attention to the positive with this negative comment!
I literally used to go to negative thinking all the time - and I mean, we do have to have a balance of realistic/rational thinking when we evaluate our life and our choices, but I really struggled with constant negative thinking for a long time. All part and parcel of growing up in an A household.
Two things really helped me learn to approach things more positively and actually these approaches did change my thinking and my life!
One was your countrywoman Louise Hay's book "Heal Your Body" which is loaded with positive affirmations many of which I memorized and used almost like mantras when I was down in the black hole in my mind.
The other was cognitive behavior therapy. I've done 2 rounds of it with a therapist - each for approx 6 months and that really made a huge difference in my life and thinking.
Just some of the structure of Louise's affirmations is super helpful - for example where you said "I am not good at XYZ" you can reframe that with phrases like "I now choose to..." or "I am free to..."
i now choose to support myself in loving joyous ways. I am free to feel positive!
Peace,
B
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,449
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ 
I forgot to mention- my dad died when I was in a coma from the burns
The truth sets us free though, no matter how incredibly horrific it is.
Understanding is freedom.
I am so very sorry your dad and his brother and you and your brothers and your mother and all of those boys went through this....how cowardly of that man to refuse to face up to this....his guilt was pretty well established though I guess though.
Sending you so much love always my friend.
♥♥
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,449
Originally Posted by Dee74
You've always shown a lot of courage here PJ. You're a survivor and I reckon this will be no different. We'll walk beside you tho 
D
D
Originally Posted by dandylion
Phoenix......I have always been in awe of your spirit and determination....
I hope that you can always remember that this is a great big planet...a great big world that is filled with love and hope and meaning....
Even though you did not get as much as you needed, as a child....there are people..millions of them, around the world, that will give it to you and also need it from you....
That person who was inside you the day that you were born, is still there, and can still grow and love and experience the joy of being alive......
I think you have inspired more people than you actually know......
I hope that you can always remember that this is a great big planet...a great big world that is filled with love and hope and meaning....
Even though you did not get as much as you needed, as a child....there are people..millions of them, around the world, that will give it to you and also need it from you....
That person who was inside you the day that you were born, is still there, and can still grow and love and experience the joy of being alive......
I think you have inspired more people than you actually know......
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