MelissaM2B

I've been reading here for nearly a year. I started Al-Anon about 7 months ago. I do phone meetings and read the books/work with a sponsor.

My story is much like those that I have read. I always think mine is different or maybe he isn't as bad as I make it seem. He will do well for a couple months and then goes on a binge and goes missing, usually for 24 hours. I have so much anxiety. Things a normal husband's can do, such as stop at a friend's house after work or catch a game with a few buddies always ends up as a binge. Once he starts, and is in a certain mood, he cannot stop. He has ruined every vacation we have went on because of his drinking.
Finally after years of mine and his crazy behavior I just know I have to be done. He decided a few months ago that he was done drinking. Last week decided he wanted to drink when and how much he wants. Said he doesn't have fun with me and I am too controlling. I didn't disagree with him. I just know I can't be on this roller coaster ride anymore.
My biggest fears have been that he will change for someone else that's I will meet someone worse, that I will regret my decision. But I after reading, I know this will probably only get worse. After 7 years it has gotten better but not enough. I no longer want to live in fear of his next binge or verbal attack.
No point to this. Just wanted to get this out.

dandylion

Melissa...Welccome!
How can we help you?

Leelee168

Sometimes writing helps us to get things out and make sense of what we are feeling. Go back and read your words; what you said was very clear to me. Best to you.

RollTide

My story is like yours and many of the others that are on this forum. I understand totally where you are coming from. I finally had all that I could take. My life was insane. I am thankful that I finally ended the marriage. It is the single best thing that I have ever done for myself.

I also wondered if mine would get sober when we split. Well...it's been eight years and he was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago after a binge. I am thankful that I am no longer involved.

Clover71

Hi Melissa.

I'm glad you posted. Sometimes it just helps to let it out and vent.

I haven't been able to attend alanon since I started working. I found it helpful, but I like the format here where you get feedback too

MelissaM2B

Thank you! Just reading is helpful. :-)

MelissaM2B

That's the hardest thing is that little piece of me that hopes he gets sober and realizes his wrongs. But, I know even when he isn't drinking, I still don't like him 80% of the time. He still isn't a loving companion. And that's what I want and need.

biminiblue

I'm still waiting for an apology.




It's been 24 years.

I decided about 23 and a half years ago that I don't care any more. We are on completely separate paths and there was no chance it was going to work.

What's that phrase? (Someone correct me if I get it wrong,) "I finally accepted the apology I'm never going to get." (?)

Looking4Clues

My biggest fears have been that he will change for someone else that's I will meet someone worse, that I will regret my decision.
[/QUOTE]

Hi Melissa, I'm new to this site but reading your post, I can totally relate to the feelings you have about wondering if they'll change for someone else if you leave/move on. Looking around these forums, it doesn't seem like that is the likely scenario, but our minds can trick us into thinking so. I know I'm not offering much new info, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone in that feeling. Hang in there.

Mango212

Hi Melissa,

I'm glad you're here.

I find posting helpful, a long with face-to-face meetings.

I haven't done a phone meeting. What is that like?

Mango

Lunchbox1

[do you have any?

QUOTE=RollTide;6887208]My story is like yours and many of the others that are on this forum. I understand totally where you are coming from. I finally had all that I could take. My life was insane. I am thankful that I finally ended the marriage. It is the single best thing that I have ever done for myself.

I also wondered if mine would get sober when we split. Well...it's been eight years and he was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago after a binge. I am thankful that I am no longer involved.[/QUOTE]

Lunchbox1

He's a pissy ******* even dry.

grayghost1965

My ex brother in law is several years sober and is still a self-absorbed, arrogant jerk. He is a devoted AA-goer, but seems to not be changing. He was actually more tolerable drunk, because we could understand what was causing his moods, attitude, etc. My sister finally had enough and took the kids and left. Everyone (except him) is much better off.

maia1234

MM,
Welcome and glad you came out of the closet.

All spouses have the fear that once we leave, they will get sober and live a happy life with another partner. You can keep reading all over this forum and that scenario doesn't happen very often. The majority of the time, they are on their own and will drink more, because no one is "watching".

We get it that you have had enough. I wasted 34 years of my life waiting for my addict to get hit by the serenity stick and we "lived happily ever after." There are very few happily ever afters on this forum when you are dealing with an active addict.

My leaving and divorcing my addict was the hardest thing I have ever done. But I could no longer mentally, and physically survive being married to him. I have been divorced 3 1/2 years and he is still drinking, but he is no longer under my watch, thank God!

Take care of you, hit some meetings, and figure out what you want in life. Living with an addict is progressive, it will only get worse for him and you. Sending hugs to you!!

AnvilheadII

in the Big Book of AA there is a reference to those who are "constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves". people who lack the ability to self-reflect AND recognize their own wrong-doings. if one is never wrong, one never has to change.

PuzzledHeart

You could flip this statement. It sounds like you haven't been having much fun with him either and right now he's still in the driver's seat.

I was physically abused as a child and I struggled with this a lot. My sister, my qualifier also insisted that we were abused because we deserved it. Our physical abuse only lost her temper every once in a while and there were many occasions when demonstrated love.

However, when I had my own child, I would ask myself "Would I poke my kid with needles if he didn't look awake enough? Would I tear his stuffed animals if he wasn't eating breakfast fast enough (I actually kept one of them to prove to myself it happened)? Would I beat him up every day if he only ate half his sandwich at school?"

I bet you could come up with your own list. Would you tell a loved one to put up with even half the crap that you've tolerated?

You may have already turned to other family members or friends who may actually say "Yes, tolerating this is part of loving someone." My own family told me I was mean and unforgiving when I went No Contact with my physical abuser (My sister still keeps in touch with her). However, as the years went on, it became clear to ME that I chose the healthier path. Perhaps my family members feel the same - they haven't acknowledged it, but at this point it doesn't matter.

From what I've observed, even the jerkiest people will find a replacement for the person they've just lost. However, the relationships, as lovey dovey as they are in the beginning, eventually break down. It may take years, especially if neither party wants to admit they've made a mistake, and they may even stay together. However, it's usually a constant state of misery.

NYCDoglvr

My sponsor asked me: "do you trust and respect him?". It was a turning point because without those things no relationship is possible. Remember, this is a progressive disease and his drinking will worsen.