RainingButtons

I’m in shock tonight. My AH has just done something so damn stupid that I’m lost for words. He has just risked our 9yo daughters life.

She was in the bath in our ensuite. He was drunk - 8 cans of beer and several gin and tonics. He went to bed early whilst she was still in the bath. (Bathroom in our bedroom) She likes to watch her iPad whilst she’s in the water and watch a movie. I usually prop it up by the window at a good distance away and obviously never plugged in!

I went to get her out of the bath, to find AH has plugged the iPad into an extension lead and got a kitchen chair so the iPad was next to the bath plugged in extension lead on the floor and there was water all over the place as she’d been sliding around in a deep bath! The dangers clearly obvious? Am I wrong here? WHY am I even questioning myself over this?????!!!! I’ve even been googling “is it dangerous to have extension lead in bathroom?” WHAT is WRONG with me??!! I feel SICK!!! My baby could have been DEAD I could have walked into that bathroom to a very different story tonight!

He’s snoring away like a pig oblivious. Clearly her iPad was low on battery and he did that so he could get some sleep in peace until I came in rather than be bothered to get her out of the bath.

I’m dreading the morning because I clearly have to say something? But he won’t take it well. He will deny he was wrong like he always does.

Had to come here to vent, I’m in shock.

TropicalWinter

There was a tragic story that I read not long ago about a girl being electrocuted in the tub while she was charging a device.

You are not wrong. This is very serious.

Refiner

Hi, RB... I think you probably know the obvious by now that your daughter is not safe around him and you are not going to get the Husband of the Year anytime soon. What are your plans to remove yourself and your daughter from the situation that is not only abusive but dangerous.

AnvilheadII

he cannot be trusted with the children, period. you cannot put an intoxicated person in charge of watching over children. EVER.

now you know. he is incapable of watching over his offspring in a clear headed, focused way that assures their safety.

Sasha1972

Wow. That is insanely selfish and horrifying. The only positive things are that a) he didn't electrocute your daughter; b) now you know he will blow off her safety if it interferes with his leisure.

I can vividly remember getting a call from the police saying that my ex was at my kid's school, drunk and belligerent, and was trying to drive away with her. The staff had to physically interpose themselves behind his car to stop him. That was the moment that I knew he did not care about her safety (and how many times had he driven drunk with him and no one had stopped him?).

Delilah1

I am so glad she is okay.

PuzzledHeart

Confrontation will most likely be another round of Gaslighting Bingo.

"You're lying. I never did that."
"It's not a big deal."
"I only had eight beers." (Frankly, I'm a little shocked that four beers an hour can be considered moderation.)
"No I didn't have eight beers. You miscounted."
"I only had the gin and tonics because of my hay fever."
"You're trying to get the kids to hate me."
"Your anger makes me want to drink."

I personally believe that all parents have at least ONE incident when they did something so stupid they almost got their kids killed. However, most parents look back at that moment with horror, and would do anything to avoid that moment ever again.

What will his reaction be?

Sasha1972

^^^ This is a good point. Does he try to protect his ability to drink at will (it never happened, well maybe it happened but it wasn't that bad, well maybe it was that bad but it wasn't my fault, well maybe it was my fault but definitely not because I was drunk, and why are you always so critical and negative...) or does he express shock and self-recrimination about having done something phenomenally dangerous? I can remember driving away once when Kid was a baby without having buckled her into her carseat - but when I realized what I'd done, I was quite appropriately horrified and angry with myself.

mamabear26

I remember my AXH always denying or trying to justify his stupid behavior. One night he got so drunk and peed in our laundry room in the laundry basket. Our sons saw him doing that. They told their dad what are you doing and he began to yell at them. I stepped him to try to get him to stop and he began to yell at me. The next day I told him what he did he had no memory of it. I told him he needed to apologize to our sons and he never didn't. Avoiding and denying is what alcoholics do best! You have every right to be upset and protect yourself and your child.

Ladybird579

I think you are on a hiding to nothing confronting him. He will, as has been said on the thread, twist it around to being your fault. I cannot tell you what to do but if I were in your shoes ( and I was at one time) I'd be looking to remove him or yourself and your kids from the situation. Preferably him. You may need dv help and a solicitor as he is abusive already and maybe worse once he knows you are parting ways. Your daughter could be dead today. That is his fault and one I could not live with any longer.

RainingButtons

I confronted him this morning. His reaction was to look completely confused at first. Then he said he thought he’s left the extension lead outside the bathroom. I said how I’d found it, and he said our daughter must have pulled it closer to her. I said well obviously there should never be anything electrical in the bathroom per say? And he walked away -totally dismissed me and said “okay okay I get the picture”

PeacefulWater12

On my experience is it a complete waste of time approaching an A about something like this. The more serious and dangerous it was, the more they will deny deny deny twist twist words, gaslight etc.

I learnt was more infuriating to bring it up, better to take positive action myself to make sure the issue is never able to happen again.

Clover71

That may have been an "oh **** what was a I thinking" (or not thinking) reaction. I'm not defending it at all. I would wonder whether he would have done the same thing whilst sober, and what he is thinking about it now.

Raindrops

It is no way the sane situation and I am not comparing mine with yours but me and my exah had a dog together. He was our little baby. As his disease progressed, he was incapable of taking care of him. He would do his bit as long as he wasn't drinking but come 6pm, my ex ah would start drinking and then pass out with the dog eating nuts food off of his plate and slobbering all over him. Sometimes
I used to be out running errands and I realised that the dog was not being let out in the backyard and he would often make a mess around the house by the time I got back.

This was a glimpse for me to see what my future with kids would hold. I would never be able to trust him with a toddler . It takes only one time for disaster to happen. How many times are you willing to risk it? Or is your life going to be where you have to watch over your little girl 24/7 without ever being able to go out unless she is with you. Where is your partner then who you can trust?

7yearwait

him dismissing you is expected, he's playing the " you just look for trouble " card. My AXH used to come to bed around 4 am and leave take out food in the oven (the food was wrapped in paper while the oven was on high!) and I once woke up as i usually do around the time he went to bed because he made so much noise , and I found the food wrapper in the oven on fire ! I thought to myself , if i hadn't woken up, the whole place would have caught fire and we could have died. Another time we were on vacation, He left a log fireplace lit in our room with all the windows shut , i woke up unable to breathe from the smoke from how much he overloaded it.
His careless behavior was so bad I still suffer sometimes now that i live alone, always checking the heaters, the plugs, the chargers. Ill never be the same.
He wakes up the next day not remembering any of it and dismissing anything I say.

Im so sorry you have to deal with this, i know how hard it can be , makes you nervous all the time.

trailmix

Remorse? Shock? Maybe, defensive for sure. He thought he left the extension lead outside the bathroom? And that is good enough how? The risk might have been lowered a bit but that is no good excuse for leaving a child in a bath with an electrical appliance!!

You would be better off hiring a babysitter.

Based on this you can now never ever leave your child in your Husband's care. He is incapable of making good decisions. She is not a toddler but, as i'm sure you already know, kids need almost constant supervision.

As someone said earlier, we have all probably done something stupid that put our children in danger, it happens. The difference is there is remorse, we learn, we understand our mistakes (parents are always learning too!).

The other difference here is that is safety 101, no one in their right mind takes an electrical item in to a bathroom.

RainingButtons

Agree with all the comments. Yes maybe it was shock in his reaction but he has continued to drink today, he went out to buy beers at 10am and has been drinking them all day. No remorse shown outwardly.

I will NEVER EVER leave the kids in his care after this!!

I was in the same house, in the other room when he did this so I can’t even trust him when I’m here.

Im making my plans to leave but I have to stay a while longer as it’s going to take me time to pay off my debts, enough to get my credit score back up to point where I’d be eligible to rent another property. Our house is in joint names so I can’t just make him leave unless I hand in my own notice and I would not be able to get another house on my own just like that. But I won’t take my eye off the children after this.

Ladybird579

Our house is in joint names so I can’t just make him leave unless I hand in my own notice

You are in the UK and I think you will find you can. No one has to put up with this. I'd go for a free half hour session with a solicitor. I think you have more options then you know.

Sasha1972

Well, this fits a predictable pattern:

1. I didn't do it (confused look)

2. Well, maybe I did it but it wasn't that bad ("The lead was outside the bathroom"

3. Well, maybe I did it and it was that bad, but it's not my fault" ("I didn't notice"/'daughter pulled it closer to her")

4. You're being so critical and making such a big deal out of it ("Okay, I get the picture"/walking away).

I think you are right to be appalled and to not trust him around the kids. It sounds like he is quite okay with hanging out with the kids while drinking, but if it comes to a choice between drinking and the kids, he'll choose drinking over parenting.

NYCDoglvr

I hope you can keep the children safe while continuing to live with him.