Raindrops

I am struggling with a lot of PTSD and the feeling of rejection. I struggle everyday to just get through the day. I left my AH one year ago. He was my best friend till he wasn't. I am struggling to let go of my dreams and him. Everyday seems like a task. I get up and make it to work somehow but that's all I can manage for now. I have no interest left in anything life has to offer. I don't feel like being around anyone. I feel judged all the time. I have had suicidal ideations. Went through trying different meds with my doctor and it made my symptoms worse. I wasn't sure I was going to get through the adjustment period with these medications. I am slowly fading away. My basic human dignity was attacked and crushed by a man I fell in love with and I am having a hard time digesting that. I cannot trust anyone. I go to al anon and I am getting tired of that too. I don't want to listen to any more painful stories. I wake up in the middle of the night everyday with anxiety and panic. I am 32 years old and it just seems hard to get through my day. I see my therapist once a week. She listens. I cry sometimes. I laugh sometimes but I always walk around with this void. I am tired of grieving and I can't stop. Help

Bekindalways

Oh Raindrops, I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are doing everything right: therapist, trying meds, alanon and it still is hard. That just sucks.

I usually don't want to tell people this as it can discourage them but it actually took me several years to get better. I just had to soldier through each day believing it would stop hurting eventually and it actually did. I've never heard of anyone having my experience but the first week in January 1991 the psychedelic pain just stopped. It was the weirdest thing. It actually took me a couple of days to realize what was different.

About the only things that sort of helped at the time were exercise and a few good books. I read and reread and reread How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is the best I have found on grieving.

Big hug to you and may healing come to you.

Leelee168

Raindrops, I completely get what you are feeling. Yesterday, I found this forum and posted and the replies I got made so much sense. We do have to grieve and grieving takes time; I lost my father three years ago and that still hurts. This was a relationship in which you had so much time and energy invested—it will take time.

In addition to losing the relationship with the A, I had to walk out and away from a $550,000 home (which, where we live, is a small castle) knowing I would have to fight to get my share of the value from him; I walked away from my social system, as our friends were mutual; and I walked away from many good memories from the days when he wasn’t an A and he was the good, kind person whom I fell in love with. But he is no longer that person. He is an A, and a nasty, mean and abusive one at that.

You know who I didn’t have to walk away from? Me. And I’m determined to find the person I used to be. I’m behind you, because I still need to find a good therapist, but the more I think of this, what I’m really missing are the good times that we had together and I need to replace those and create new ones with other people and with myself.

I hope that you are feeling better this morning.

HardLessons

Raindrops

I am comin quickly up to a year out of my relationship. It has been a year since I last saw her. A bunch of months since I last spoke to her.

I said above just so you know - I completely understand how you feel & all the thoughts you are experiencing & in a similar time frame.

There is nothing you wrote above which I haven't experienced. The only exception was being put on any medications. For me I did not want to go that route.

I do understand the tunnel vision of life which occurs when we are under heavy stress & anxiety. I totally understand losing interest in everything & withdrawing from life. I totally understand feeling it would be easier to just die than to go on. For me I knew that none of this was normal & I had felt this was for far too long. Its why I sought professional help.

You have professionals helping you. I think its important for you to clearly communicate with them exactly how you are feeling - even if its ugly bad.

I am doing better now. I am functioning & slowly healing. At times still a day to day struggle but I am managing. I have zero pressure on myself to totally get past this. I know its going to take time - maybe a lot of time.

You are young & have your entire life to look forward too. Please go easy on yourself.

I am sorry for your situation & I wish you peace.

Ladybird579

I am 4 years post divorce from my exah and am still struggling underneath. I can put a good face on but that's about it. I don't feel much of anything good, just negative feelings of anger and hurt. It spills over into my life and takes the form of me being intolerant to others who are being inconsiderate or annoying around me. I tend to self isolate a lot and feel making or trying to keep friends is pointless cos the ones I've had post exah do not get me. Living with active alcoholism all those years makes me a unique and sad figure among people who have never experienced that and do not understand why I put up with it for so long. They think I have mental health issues and treat me like I need to be sectioned. In reality I just need a hug now and then.

I lost absolutely everything. My lovely home, the love of 3 out of 8 of my kids and had to move a long way from the only true friends I have. It was a case of start again at then 53 years old. I don't really know how. I can only assume it gets better..the void inside me that never goes away. The anger towards exah who got everything and is still drinking it all away. We were married 20 years and my son saw him on the train station yesterday and its like we never existed. I don't have any answers but you are not alone in how you feel.

7yearwait

" he was my best friend till he wasn't "
That cut me like a knife.. I know exactly how that feels.. I too am 34 , its strange to describe how I feel now that I've been divorced a month..... I am relieved from the constant worry, lying, manipulation... but at the same time, Im always lonely, anxious, sad, feeling rejected. I used to wake up at night worrying about his whereabouts, now I wake up in a panic because I've had to start over, and I'm scared i won't find anyone. And even though it ended badly and he hurt me really bad, I still love my best friend . I too want the hurt to end

Here for you ! you aren't alone, DM me any time

DesertEyes

I went through that too. I had a wonderful, delightful marriage for 20 years until she got addicted to painpills. Her rejecting me sent me into an emotional trainwreck much like you describe.

Same here. I tried different meeting, ended up driving an hour for a very positive one. There's other programs, like Celebrate Recovery and CODA. There's online and telephone meetings too.

What got me across the "moat" of negativity was a good therapist. He helped me see the reasons why my emotions were far more overwhelming than just grief. I had my self esteem turned around into "other esteem". Being married had become proof that I was a good person, that I was worthy of love, companionshiop, friendship. Maybe you need to shop around for another therapist.

The truth is nobody cared if I was married or not. Some people actually thought I was a little strange cuz I only had one divorce instead of several. ( Okay, so I was living in Cali at the time, being normal out there is weird )

Yes, me too. The truth is that my pill-head ex-wife became a person that I should not have used as someone to judge me. That was half my problem, who I chose to be my judge.

It seems to me that what you are doing to overcome the horror or surviving a marriage to an addict / alkie is not working very well for you. Perhaps you should start doing different things, like I did.

Mike

LifeRecovery

Raindrops-

I am sorry that you are feeling this way.

I am 8 years out from my divorce. At one year I felt pretty similar.

What I did not understand at the time of my healing (but only in retrospect) was that I was healing from more than my relationship with a problem drinker.

I was healing old patterns of behavior for myself, ways of being in the world that did not work for me. I lumped it all into healing from my ex but in reality that relationship got me healing but there was much more to do.

For me sometimes I had to feel worse before I started to feel better.

I had been seeing a great therapist prior to the divorce. I had a verbal contract with her about antidepressants. If she said I needed them I would start them no questions asked. That was not the case for me, but I was grateful to give that portion to someone else (she had seen me on them previously). I want to stress that part of the reason my therapist is good is that if I am uncomfortable with anything between us, or if I don't think something is working I can bring that to her. I once walked into her office to proclaim how angry I was with her....and she clapped for me. It was a shock and a healing moment. Can you do that with your therapist?

I have another friend who has recently use a naturopath, not to come off of her meds entirely, but to help her with food sensitivities and once they were dialed in some of the meds dosages could be reconfigured. That was an outside the box approach to me that I thought was great.....I bet you might have some of those options too.

I used therapy, Al-Anon, body work, meditation, I took a therapy training myself, lots of reading etc. They all helped.

I found that I had a lot of judgement on myself. How long my healing was taking? Why were others seemingly moving part pieces of things that I could not do? Why was my ex remarried within a year of our divorce? What did that say about me?

I can't tell you what healing modalities will work for you, but I will tell you that judging myself and beating myself up did not help me in any fashion.....it just made it worse.

An affair was part of my relationship ending too. One of the words of advice on support groups like this for affairs mentioned that it can take 2-5 years to heal from the affair. Though daunting at first to read that it brought comfort in the bigger picture for me. I was normal. This did take time (and work).

I would say in the last year I have really settled into my recovery to the point that it is just a part of who I am. I did feel much better sooner than 7 years out but it has really settled into my bones in the last year. I get to watch my recovery on a daily basis as I interact in the world.

I do know that you will feel better. I pictured my pain as cleaning out an infected wound so it could actually heal. Prior to that I was just trying to sew up the infected wound to let it fester underneath. I had to learn to feel it, instead of stuff it. You got this.