RainingButtons

Well it looks like it will be a hot May bank holiday weekend in the UK! Just realising that instead of being excited about this, and planning things to do outdoors like normal families might, such as

Picnics with the kids
Walks with our dog
Visit to a national trust park and eat ice cream
A day at the beach
B- B Q food and a fire pit roasting marshmallows
Garden centre visits and time planting beautiful flower tubs

Instead I will be avoiding AH who will joyfully fill the fridge with his tins of beer and sit outside until the early hours drinking himself into oblivion. He will get the kids to pass him his next beer rather than get of his own lazy ass. Because the weather is his perfect excuse. He will cut the grass as his token “see I did contribute I deserve this beer” activity. Never mind that there are 100’s of other jobs that never get done like clearing the driveway of moss or stacking logs or cutting the grass at the front of the house or washing the cars.

Yes I could do the above without him I guess... it’s just that the garden things would mean being around him whilst he drinks. The days out with the kids mean him coming along - and drinking anyway so we will row over who’s driving home. (I get anxious about motorway driving so avoid it if I can plus he is a horrible passenger - he tells me when to pull out, change gear etc)

Another manipulation tactic I’ve cottoned on to is the false jovial happy mood when he’s just about to open his first can! Eg

“Oh do you fancy a lasagne for dinner? And this great tv show starts tonight! I’m looking forward to watching that with you!” Smiles warmly at me whilst reaching into the fridge.

So daring me to spoil this “great mood” by mentioning the beers. (Which I don’t - no longer give a flying one about what he pours down his gullet)

So what does everyone else do on hot summer days when there’s an active alcoholic drinking in the same house? Ignore it? Why should I go out and leave him to enjoy the garden by himself?

If he were not living here I would put my favourite music on, sunbathe. Do gardening. I’d paint my garden furniture and pots in bright colours and have fairy lights and candles lit. The kids would help me make wind chimes out of twigs and shells to hang up and play with the hose pipe. There seems no point in doing this because he’s there to spoil the serenity and it would feel like I’ve just made his drinking area even more inviting!

I’d maybe even get to enjoy a glass of wine on my own and watch the sun set without feeling like a hypocrite. Then I’d read a book with a blanket over my lap as it got dark and light a fire in the fire pit.

One day...

dandylion

Rainingbuttons......I hear what you are saying! In my experience, nothing can ruin a holiday like a practicing alcoholic.....
I think it is lovely that you can envision what you would/could do, if he were not there to spoil it....

Remember....that...If you can dream it--you can get it......
Our dreams are very important.....

firebolt

For your own peace my dear! I used to ask the same thing - why should I have to leave my home and happy space when he is the one sitting there ruining it?

Well - the truth was, it didn't feel like home and my happy space, and heading out for a drive, or to go fish at the river was MUCH more pleasurable and peaceful than sitting there watching and stewing about that mess!

You can take off and do things alone or with the kids, or go sunbath on the other side of the house or away from home. Get out and build those windchimes with the kids in nature! If you start excluding him from some of these things, they will quickly become your go to things to get some peace and happiness in the chaos. Towards the end with xabf, he'd start drinking, and I could see him start to turn into Mr Hyde....I'd split and go fishing before he'd even have a chance to start in on me....knowing by the time I got home, he'd be asleep or close to it.

Once we realize we can do differently, and start doing things differently, it's harder to fall back into those old patterns.

Bekindalways

I love your description of what you would do without him. I so hope you are building a plan to get there some day. I wish you could sneak over to my house to do all the things with the kids but I'm in the US and it it snowing hard here.

Any chance you could sneak out with the kids. If I was there I'd meet you at one of the national trust parks. Your historical houses are wonderful.

AutumnMama

I am also a nervous driver but I find that when I do it to "get away" from something it's very liberating and almost soothing. It makes me think "Hey! Look! I am doing this all on my own!" and makes it less scary the next time. Does he insist on joining you when you go places?

RainingButtons

Not really no, in fact he resists going anywhere that doesn’t involve a pub! But my daughter has autism and doesn’t travel far that well so I usually have to have another adult passenger to be able to turn around and help her if she’s upset. The beach or the National Trust house would be about an hours drive.

On the plus side, I saw some public gardens today that I had forgotten about that are only about 4 miles away, a short drive - no motorways.

They would be a lovely quiet place for a picnic and there are some Castle ruins we could explore too! We could make the wind chimes there.

That has given me something positive to aim for. There’s a garden Center on the way too which has a cafe, pets corner and tropical fish so we could plan a visit to buy plants and have a milkshake. Those are things we are going to do without AH!

hopeful4

Oh yes. Weather was always a big trigger for my XAH. Nice summer days and nice fall days were (are) always a big one. Most people would look forward to those times, I hated it.

Wow, what a relief that I have left that behind. Big hugs to you.