What has the alcoholic made you do?!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
STBX was your run-of-the-mill addict. He "made" me:
(So, some of these do not need " " because he really did make it happen).
-Fear for his death so I felt as if I had to look after him.
-Fear his anger, so I felt as if I had to hide his secret addiction for him... so that he could look good in public.
-Fix everything he broke in the house.
-Lend him money to avoid more things being broken in the house.
-Lend him money because his "dry drunk" behavior was stress x's 200.
-Avoid my friends and family... because they didn't like him (because he was an addict)... because I didn't know why they didn't like him.
-Believe lies.
-Shift my boundaries around what was "normal" behavior.
-Doubt my own sanity.
-Fear that I was going to be assaulted.
-Feel so anxious, I could not sleep.
-Quack.
(So, some of these do not need " " because he really did make it happen).
-Fear for his death so I felt as if I had to look after him.
-Fear his anger, so I felt as if I had to hide his secret addiction for him... so that he could look good in public.
-Fix everything he broke in the house.
-Lend him money to avoid more things being broken in the house.
-Lend him money because his "dry drunk" behavior was stress x's 200.
-Avoid my friends and family... because they didn't like him (because he was an addict)... because I didn't know why they didn't like him.
-Believe lies.
-Shift my boundaries around what was "normal" behavior.
-Doubt my own sanity.
-Fear that I was going to be assaulted.
-Feel so anxious, I could not sleep.
-Quack.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
From Ophelia:
-Fear for his death so I felt as if I had to look after him.
-Fear his anger, so I felt as if I had to hide his secret addiction for him... so that he could look good in public.
Wow these, yes.
-Fear for his death so I felt as if I had to look after him.
-Fear his anger, so I felt as if I had to hide his secret addiction for him... so that he could look good in public.
Wow these, yes.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by RainingButtons 
I know it’s not healthy to be doing it. I tell myself it’s to confirm in my own mind that I’m not “imagining” his drink problem. I need that validation to be able to make my own choices. Knowing he’s still drinking is something i feel I want to know about in order to make decisions. (Ie letting him drive my car or leaving him in charge of the kids for example)
Now that he's out of rehab I find myself getting very angry because he's not going to meetings. He's in intensive outpatient at this time and going 3 times a week but part of what he agreed to and expressed to me that was important was going to meetings. I find myself getting really angry about this because I feel like he's standing in the middle of our house holding a grenade and it's just a matter of time before he lets go and explodes the whole thing. I'm angry right now because I'm trying not to monitor him or control him or do any of those behaviors that I so didn't think I was doing before.
I've asked for a family meeting with his therapist in outpatient and a big part of me just wants to tell them that he's probably lying to them and telling them that he's going to meetings or we are walking the dog in the morning or he's doing daily journaling or something but he's not. The truth is, if he relapses a second time, I'm completely done. I find myself justifying if he were going to meetings and really digging in and relapsed 5 years down the road I would have some empathy and continue to fight for this relationship. I cannot control what he's doing right now, I can't control that he's not committing to the things that he said he would do. I can accept that what I probably have is a sober husband now who is not the man that I am going to want him to be for me.
Learning more about me and my responsibilities and the things that I need to do in my life to make myself happy maybe he was never enough. I thought he was one of the best human beings that I've ever met, he was sober for 7 years when we started dating again after a 10-year break. I guess the thing that I've learned I can't control more than anything is how much I've lost engaging in all of this madness and what I wanted more than anything was to see him dig in and go to meetings and find a sponsor right away like he said he would. There aren't enough family meetings or long discussions or ultimatums in the world to get back my lost sense of security and importance.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,005
Originally Posted by KatieNoPockets
Learning more about me and my responsibilities and the things that I need to do in my life to make myself happy maybe he was never enough. I thought he was one of the best human beings that I've ever met, he was sober for 7 years when we started dating again after a 10-year break. I guess the thing that I've learned I can't control more than anything is how much I've lost engaging in all of this madness and what I wanted more than anything was to see him dig in and go to meetings and find a sponsor right away like he said he would. There aren't enough family meetings or long discussions or ultimatums in the world to get back my lost sense of security and importance.
I hope you can use the anger as well as any energy you would used to worry about his drinking to figure out your own path. When/if he relapses what are you thinking of doing practically? Do you have a plan in place?
Keep posting and I hope you have a good support system. This is tough stuff you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
This thread made me think of the past 3 years with my husband (we're separated) and the change in my responses to him and his drinking.
3 years ago: I emptied any beer in the house down the sink and convinced and pleaded with him to go to AA, individual therapy and marriage counseling. He did eventually do individual therapy, marriage counseling and was in recovery.
1 year ago: He admitted to drinking a glass of wine or two (or beer) on business trips at dinner when I questioned him. We were separated at the time, but trying to reconcile. I went into convince and plead mode with him to not drink especially since he didn't have a healthy relationship with alcohol 3 years ago (a handful of blackouts and then he went to places he shouldn't have gone). His response, "when we reconcile, we'll talk about it". Grrr. It was not the answer I wanted. Cue in more trying to convince and plead with him . He continued to drink a wine/beer or two when he traveled here and there...and I was stuck with the mixture of thoughts and feelings that swirled in my mind. It was not a good place to be in.
1 week ago: He had a lot of travel for work and he wouldn't make it back in time to see the children because of flight delays. He texted to let me know about it since the kids were suppose to go to his place that night. I replied I understood and then suggested he treat himself to a book, Starbucks drink and try to relax since he was stuck at the airport and it was a tense week at work. His response: "You're cute and funny at the same time. Ordered a Manhattan." I think he probably had more than one Manhattan because I haven't heard him say the words "cute" and "funny" about me in 2 years and he admitted to the Manhattan. My response: Nothing. I sighed to myself and thought...it's best to leave it alone and say nothing...and so I left it alone. He texted shortly afterwards about his flight and it was delayed by 30 minutes and I instead wished him a good flight home.
He didn't make me empty his beer down the sink, try to convince and plead with him to not drink, ruminate and worry. I did it myself and it took quite a while to see it.
3 years ago: I emptied any beer in the house down the sink and convinced and pleaded with him to go to AA, individual therapy and marriage counseling. He did eventually do individual therapy, marriage counseling and was in recovery.
1 year ago: He admitted to drinking a glass of wine or two (or beer) on business trips at dinner when I questioned him. We were separated at the time, but trying to reconcile. I went into convince and plead mode with him to not drink especially since he didn't have a healthy relationship with alcohol 3 years ago (a handful of blackouts and then he went to places he shouldn't have gone). His response, "when we reconcile, we'll talk about it". Grrr. It was not the answer I wanted. Cue in more trying to convince and plead with him . He continued to drink a wine/beer or two when he traveled here and there...and I was stuck with the mixture of thoughts and feelings that swirled in my mind. It was not a good place to be in.
1 week ago: He had a lot of travel for work and he wouldn't make it back in time to see the children because of flight delays. He texted to let me know about it since the kids were suppose to go to his place that night. I replied I understood and then suggested he treat himself to a book, Starbucks drink and try to relax since he was stuck at the airport and it was a tense week at work. His response: "You're cute and funny at the same time. Ordered a Manhattan." I think he probably had more than one Manhattan because I haven't heard him say the words "cute" and "funny" about me in 2 years and he admitted to the Manhattan. My response: Nothing. I sighed to myself and thought...it's best to leave it alone and say nothing...and so I left it alone. He texted shortly afterwards about his flight and it was delayed by 30 minutes and I instead wished him a good flight home.
He didn't make me empty his beer down the sink, try to convince and plead with him to not drink, ruminate and worry. I did it myself and it took quite a while to see it.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by HardLessons
She made me give her money, buy things, pay bills, etc etc
How - if necessary show would cry
Tore me up to see her cry Yupper I'm an idiot
How - if necessary show would cry
Tore me up to see her cry Yupper I'm an idiot
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Easy does it peeps. Please do not hijack this thread by posting to each other. Just answer the original question and then move to other threads where your personal experience may be of use.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Mike
Moderator, SR
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 28
I had to be his nursemaid and drive him around for 2 months after he drank too much at a bachelor party in Las Vegas, jumped off a statue, and broke his ankle in 2 places and had to have surgery to repair it.
This was several years ago and I am still livid!
This was several years ago and I am still livid!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Patch holes in the wall.
Pick up and replace broken dishes.
Keep everything secret for the families sake.
Give him kisses to determine if he's been drinking.
Always be the designated driver since I couldn't trust him.
Glance into tavern's parking lots to see if he's parked there. (I still do that even though he's sober.)
Give up my power.
Pick up and replace broken dishes.
Keep everything secret for the families sake.
Give him kisses to determine if he's been drinking.
Always be the designated driver since I couldn't trust him.
Glance into tavern's parking lots to see if he's parked there. (I still do that even though he's sober.)
Give up my power.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
He "made" me try to figure him out, repeatedly. By "made me", I don't mean that he forced me to think about him in an empathetic way... that is just what I did in response to seeing the guy cry, or fit, or vomit, etc... . I was repeatedly trying to "figure out" what was wrong with him and trying to find solutions. Of course, I also didn't know about addiction and I didn't understand that he was an addict.
My main problem was ignorance. I was ignorant about addiction, and therefore easy for the addict to manipulate.
My main problem was ignorance. I was ignorant about addiction, and therefore easy for the addict to manipulate.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I stand by my previous statements but I can add:
He "made" me seek recovery. (still a choice in my POV though, not every codie needing recovery chooses that path.
)
If my husband had never travelled this path of ridiculousness, I would have NEVER even approached the idea of needing to recover in any way myself. And I was SICK. I could have led the Codie Army.
I would have never understood the lingering damage I was carrying around as an ACoA. I would have never been able to see myself with clarity in a way that allows me to embrace my shortcomings and strengths.
My ability to reach for appreciation, to recognize & maintain healthy boundaries for myself & for others is a GIFT that I have given to me. I have grown into my Authentic Self throughout this process.
I have become a far better parent than I could have envisioned for myself.
I like myself AND love myself & that wasn't true before. (I thought it was - I had gotten great at lying to & hiding from my Self & masquerading my codie behaviors as strengths of character.)
He "made" me seek recovery. (still a choice in my POV though, not every codie needing recovery chooses that path.
) If my husband had never travelled this path of ridiculousness, I would have NEVER even approached the idea of needing to recover in any way myself. And I was SICK. I could have led the Codie Army.
I would have never understood the lingering damage I was carrying around as an ACoA. I would have never been able to see myself with clarity in a way that allows me to embrace my shortcomings and strengths.
My ability to reach for appreciation, to recognize & maintain healthy boundaries for myself & for others is a GIFT that I have given to me. I have grown into my Authentic Self throughout this process.
I have become a far better parent than I could have envisioned for myself.
I like myself AND love myself & that wasn't true before. (I thought it was - I had gotten great at lying to & hiding from my Self & masquerading my codie behaviors as strengths of character.)
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
He "made" me try to figure him out, repeatedly. By "made me", I don't mean that he forced me to think about him in an empathetic way... that is just what I did in response to seeing the guy cry, or fit, or vomit, etc... . I was repeatedly trying to "figure out" what was wrong with him and trying to find solutions. Of course, I also didn't know about addiction and I didn't understand that he was an addict.
My main problem was ignorance. I was ignorant about addiction, and therefore easy for the addict to manipulate.
My main problem was ignorance. I was ignorant about addiction, and therefore easy for the addict to manipulate.
He also "made" me believe that what was wrong with him was me - I was too depressed, controlling, withdrawn, disrespectful, callous, etc, and not sufficiently sympathetic to his angst, and this made him unhappy so he drank. I gradually came to realize, with the help of a counsellor, that he needed me to be "sick", so he could not only justify his drinking but also so there was someone he could feel superior to. Once I started pushing back against the "sick and uncaring" label, things started to unravel pretty quickly.
It took getting out of that relationship, living on my own with Kid, and eventually getting into a healthier relationship, to teach me that not only was I not a horrific drink-inducing mess of a human being, I probably never had been.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
He also "made" me believe that what was wrong with him was me - I was too depressed, controlling, withdrawn, disrespectful, callous, etc, and not sufficiently sympathetic to his angst, and this made him unhappy so he drank. I gradually came to realize, with the help of a counsellor, that he needed me to be "sick", so he could not only justify his drinking but also so there was someone he could feel superior to. Once I started pushing back against the "sick and uncaring" label, things started to unravel pretty quickly.
It took getting out of that relationship, living on my own with Kid, and eventually getting into a healthier relationship, to teach me that not only was I not a horrific drink-inducing mess of a human being, I probably never had been.
It took getting out of that relationship, living on my own with Kid, and eventually getting into a healthier relationship, to teach me that not only was I not a horrific drink-inducing mess of a human being, I probably never had been.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 116
Me too
Also add screamed and cried and begged him not to leave, engage in sex just to get some modicum of affectionQUOTE=firebolt;6881653]Oh I dumpster dove, searched cars, the garage, laundry baskets, measured bottles and kissed my ex in order to smell his breath - all in the name of proving what I already knew....all the while calling HIM crazy.
^^ And that stuff was ALL me btw. He didn't make me do any of it.[/QUOTE]
^^ And that stuff was ALL me btw. He didn't make me do any of it.[/QUOTE]
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