Real Love Is...
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Real Love Is...
I want to start a "happy" thread, a thread about what you think love is.
I've noticed that many here are in or have left relationships where their needs were not met... and in many cases this goes on so long that it's too easy to forget that you even have needs. I know that in my case, I totally stopped caring for myself because I was so busy caring for the addict. So I'll start:
Love for myself is:
-getting enough sleep every night.
-preparing fresh food from scratch.
-writing in a diary.
-getting exercise at least three times a week... even if it's just for 5 minutes a time (hey, have to start somewhere).
-keeping my house clean so that I'm happy in it.
-working!
-saving money.
-making an effort to keep in touch with friends and family.
-seeing a therapist when necessary.
-making short and long term goals.
-starting and finishing projects.
-paying attention to my grooming... ironing my clothes, shining my shoes, flossing... etc.
If someone loves me they:
-leave the light on if I'm coming home late.
-call when they say they will call.
-are reachable on their phones.
-make food for me when I am sick.
-show up to meet me on time.
-do not have secret friendships I don't know about.
-share my values -- ALL of them.
-show their interest in me -- they show it, they don't just say it.
-respect my boundaries.
-follow up words with actions: if they say that something will be done by Thursday, it WILL be done by then.
-don't expect me to buy all their clothes for them, because they are grown-ups (assuming they are).
-never throw me under the metaphorical bus.
[I would say that they have to be reliable and trustworthy, but then the list would be shorter and I wouldn't be saying how they are reliable and trustworthy.]
I've noticed that many here are in or have left relationships where their needs were not met... and in many cases this goes on so long that it's too easy to forget that you even have needs. I know that in my case, I totally stopped caring for myself because I was so busy caring for the addict. So I'll start:
Love for myself is:
-getting enough sleep every night.
-preparing fresh food from scratch.
-writing in a diary.
-getting exercise at least three times a week... even if it's just for 5 minutes a time (hey, have to start somewhere).
-keeping my house clean so that I'm happy in it.
-working!
-saving money.
-making an effort to keep in touch with friends and family.
-seeing a therapist when necessary.
-making short and long term goals.
-starting and finishing projects.
-paying attention to my grooming... ironing my clothes, shining my shoes, flossing... etc.
If someone loves me they:
-leave the light on if I'm coming home late.
-call when they say they will call.
-are reachable on their phones.
-make food for me when I am sick.
-show up to meet me on time.
-do not have secret friendships I don't know about.
-share my values -- ALL of them.
-show their interest in me -- they show it, they don't just say it.
-respect my boundaries.
-follow up words with actions: if they say that something will be done by Thursday, it WILL be done by then.
-don't expect me to buy all their clothes for them, because they are grown-ups (assuming they are).
-never throw me under the metaphorical bus.
[I would say that they have to be reliable and trustworthy, but then the list would be shorter and I wouldn't be saying how they are reliable and trustworthy.]
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Glorious idea for a thread, thank you, Ophelia Katz
Love for myself is -
Preparing, good quality, fresh meals for myself.
Having a fridge full of gorgeous fruit.
Going on nice walks
Snuggling on the sofa watching detective shows
Listening to uplifting talks and music on You Tube.
Having pretty clothes that fit nicely.
Being at my ideal weight
Having nice face cream and shower products
Keeping my nails nice. Nail varnish on my toes
Having a clean, tidy, orderly. comfy home.
Having the tv at a comfortable volume
Doing what I say I will
Having nice friends
Offloading draining friends
Having a set bedtime
.................. there are heaps more.
Love for myself is -
Preparing, good quality, fresh meals for myself.
Having a fridge full of gorgeous fruit.
Going on nice walks
Snuggling on the sofa watching detective shows
Listening to uplifting talks and music on You Tube.
Having pretty clothes that fit nicely.
Being at my ideal weight
Having nice face cream and shower products
Keeping my nails nice. Nail varnish on my toes
Having a clean, tidy, orderly. comfy home.
Having the tv at a comfortable volume
Doing what I say I will
Having nice friends
Offloading draining friends
Having a set bedtime
.................. there are heaps more.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,430
Love for myself is:
Buying and preparing healthy, satisfying meals with plenty of organic, local ingredients
Exercising my body in Nature with plenty of hiking and fresh air
Going to bed early and getting up early
Spending quality time with puppy and spouse
Creating a clean, uncluttered, beautiful home
Reading and listening to uplifting, positive things
Defeating my procrastination habit
Doing my best and following through on my promises
Finding nice friends as most of mine moved away long ago
Making fresh juice every morning and taking quality vitamins and minerals
Being positive and uplifting as much as I can when I engage others
Owning my mistakes
Meditating and spending time alone to rest and recharge
Being grateful for my many blessings and hopeful others will also be blessed.
Smiling as often as I can remember to
Buying and preparing healthy, satisfying meals with plenty of organic, local ingredients
Exercising my body in Nature with plenty of hiking and fresh air
Going to bed early and getting up early
Spending quality time with puppy and spouse
Creating a clean, uncluttered, beautiful home
Reading and listening to uplifting, positive things
Defeating my procrastination habit
Doing my best and following through on my promises
Finding nice friends as most of mine moved away long ago
Making fresh juice every morning and taking quality vitamins and minerals
Being positive and uplifting as much as I can when I engage others
Owning my mistakes
Meditating and spending time alone to rest and recharge
Being grateful for my many blessings and hopeful others will also be blessed.
Smiling as often as I can remember to
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
I love this idea for a thread
Love for myself is
Eating healthy fresh vegetarian food
Well made tea, brewed in a pot and in a nice mug (not chipped!)
Drinking lots of water
Taking my vitamins
Using essential oils in my diffuser
Falling asleep to calming rainstorm meditation music or binaural beats
Using my fave brand face products (not cheap)
Nice cosmetics and to take my time and enjoy putting them on
Taking time to style my hair and keeping regular cut and colourist appointments
Keeping my car clean with nice air fresheners
Clean bedding
Scented Candles whilst I read in bed or have a bath in my favourite bath oil
Walks with my dog in the woods or by the canal
Lazy Sunday lie ins with all my cats on the bed
Writing my blog regularly
Perusing my hobby as often as I can and going to conventions
Spa days with my best friend
Reading a good book
Watching what I want on Netflix or TV in peace.
Love from someone else would mean
They would take care of themselves because they want to smell nice, look nice and be healthy.
They do their share of housework with love and without morning because they care and want to live in an orderly tidy home.
They take care of stuff quickly without me having to ask (such as fix broken things, or put things away).
They listen when I talk and remember what I’ve said because they are interested.
They automatically know when a back rub or head massage is just what I need.
They say I look nice and notice if I’ve done my hair or am wearing a new top
They don’t talk over my tv programme or mock it
They treat other people with respect and humility not arrogance or contempt
They are not opinionated and critical
They don’t lecture and dictate
They don’t believe they are above the law
They don’t think that a smile and a quick hug when happily drunk is adequate intimacy.
And all the above I expect to want to do in return to someone that appreciates it.
Love for myself is
Eating healthy fresh vegetarian food
Well made tea, brewed in a pot and in a nice mug (not chipped!)
Drinking lots of water
Taking my vitamins
Using essential oils in my diffuser
Falling asleep to calming rainstorm meditation music or binaural beats
Using my fave brand face products (not cheap)
Nice cosmetics and to take my time and enjoy putting them on
Taking time to style my hair and keeping regular cut and colourist appointments
Keeping my car clean with nice air fresheners
Clean bedding
Scented Candles whilst I read in bed or have a bath in my favourite bath oil
Walks with my dog in the woods or by the canal
Lazy Sunday lie ins with all my cats on the bed
Writing my blog regularly
Perusing my hobby as often as I can and going to conventions
Spa days with my best friend
Reading a good book
Watching what I want on Netflix or TV in peace.
Love from someone else would mean
They would take care of themselves because they want to smell nice, look nice and be healthy.
They do their share of housework with love and without morning because they care and want to live in an orderly tidy home.
They take care of stuff quickly without me having to ask (such as fix broken things, or put things away).
They listen when I talk and remember what I’ve said because they are interested.
They automatically know when a back rub or head massage is just what I need.
They say I look nice and notice if I’ve done my hair or am wearing a new top
They don’t talk over my tv programme or mock it
They treat other people with respect and humility not arrogance or contempt
They are not opinionated and critical
They don’t lecture and dictate
They don’t believe they are above the law
They don’t think that a smile and a quick hug when happily drunk is adequate intimacy.
And all the above I expect to want to do in return to someone that appreciates it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Can’t stop thinking about this now I need to add more
Loving myself more would mean
Owning a drawerful of nice knickers and not owning any grey sagging faded ones 😂 and not because I think anyone’s going to see them but FOR ME!
Wearing a clean fresh decent well fitted bra every day and no wires poking out!
Chocolate. How could I have forgotten to add chocolate in my first list? A Cadbury Crunchie when I fancy one and a hot chocolate at bedtime.
Ok I feel greedy now - but what a nice list to aim for! 😄
Loving myself more would mean
Owning a drawerful of nice knickers and not owning any grey sagging faded ones 😂 and not because I think anyone’s going to see them but FOR ME!
Wearing a clean fresh decent well fitted bra every day and no wires poking out!
Chocolate. How could I have forgotten to add chocolate in my first list? A Cadbury Crunchie when I fancy one and a hot chocolate at bedtime.
Ok I feel greedy now - but what a nice list to aim for! 😄
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Wearing a clean fresh decent well fitted bra every day and no wires poking out!
Anyway. Excellent idea for a thread!
Loving myself:
*More consistency in exercising, eating well
* Reaching out more to friends
* Making more time to play with my grandchildren
* Knowing how and when I can say "no"
* Finding some way to let go of the guilt that has plagued me for decades
* Enjoying time in my garden
If someone loves me: I am a very blessed woman in this area. I've had my share of relationships, long term and short, that ended up badly. The one with the addict was in the 70s but the fact that I made such mind-numbingly bad decisions and tolerated abuse still haunts me. That wasn't the end of my bad decisions with men, but being with him was by far the worst.
However, for the past 20 years I've been with a wonderful man who is respectful, smart, reliable, honest, successful and generous. We do not share a spiritual life and I wish we did. But after decades of being with men who I could not rely on, emotionally, in practical matters, or both, I hit the jackpot.
To everyone out there who is discouraged about their relationships: it can get much, much better. It may take the pain of giving up on a current partner. I did that, more than once, and it was excruciating more than once. But ended up to be very much worth it. I found him at work, btw.
Love everyone's specific lists.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by 53500 
Does such a thing exist?? And it's comfortable? This is a pet peeve of mine. I can't stand bras. I've gone from super expensive ones to bargain ones in the drugstore to online ordering what's supposed to be the perfect bra. They all suck. As soon as I get home from work off it comes, and I am sorely tempted to not wear the damn thing to work but haven't crossed that line. Yet!
https://www.reddit.com/r/ABraThatFit...eginners_guide
I used to think I just had small boobs, however, after getting actually measured, I realized that it was my rib cage that is small, not my boobs, which means smaller band size, larger cup size... and if the band fits right, no padding or wires are necessary... in fact the padding and wires make me look too big (yeah, TMI). The sizing in the stores is totally inadequate for the variety of body shapes we are. After almost three decades of bra-wearing, I now own bras that I don't want to take off when I get home; this was after I had gone through a phase of being bra-free and wearing baggy shirts to hide it. Only problem with this is that the more accurate you require your bra fit to be, the more often you have to revise your bra "wardrobe", because every time you gain or lose a pound, your size shifts a bit.
Originally Posted by 53500
To everyone out there who is discouraged about their relationships: it can get much, much better. It may take the pain of giving up on a current partner. I did that, more than once, and it was excruciating more than once. But ended up to be very much worth it. I found him at work, btw.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by RainingButtons
Owning a drawerful of nice knickers and not owning any grey sagging faded ones �� and not because I think anyone’s going to see them but FOR ME! Wearing a clean fresh decent well fitted bra every day and no wires poking out!
Also adding:
Love for myself is...
-waking up early enough to make a morning fruit and veg smoothie.
-entertaining my pets.
-watching "Don't Trust the B**** in Apt 23" without having to apologize or explain my choice in "girly" TV programing.
-listening to whatever the heck music I want to listen to.
-being able to eat whatever the heck I want to eat without being mocked for my food choices.
-not being nervous when a man happens to accidentally look at me... not because I'm afraid of being seen, but because my former husband would always make snide, aggressive comments about other men: "That man is checking you out... do you realize that? You don't realize that man is checking you out! Every time we go anywhere, men check you out." So? Should I stay at home, then? Now I can go anywhere I want. So I do.
-procrastinating less.
-being on time.
-not making excuses for myself or others anymore.
-smiling.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I've been thinking about this thread ever since you started it Okatz. I even started typing yesterday then deleted it.. but I keep coming back to the same thought. So I'm just going to relate a very small but very significant ( to me) story.
I am remarried now. My new husband was also married to an alcoholic for a long time. We entered this relationship knowing what we wanted in a partner but even more importantly what we DIDN'T want.
We went to visit my husband's grandmother who lives about 1000miles away. It was an emotional visit, as she is in her mid 90s, we knew it was probably the last time we would get to see her (and the family home) as she was about to go into long term care. As you can imagine, there were a lot of fragile feelings.
The home is on a beautiful lake and DH took the canoe and went fishing while I sat visiting with GM and her care aid. We had plans to go out for dinner when he got back. He came back from what was likely his last fishing trip on that specific lake and we went out for dinner. We talked about how he was feeling about this chapter of his life closing and his GM nearing the end of her journey.
It wasn't until later that night when I saw the liquor bottles on the counter that I realized I hadn't even considered that he might be drinking. He hadn't been drinking to deal with his sad feelings. He hadn't been drinking while he was on the lake fishing . I hadn't checked his eyes or smelled his breath to make sure he wasn't going to drive me to dinner drunk. It never even crossed my mind that I should be on alert for these things... because I don't have to worry about that anymore. It was amazing to realize the enormous shift in the reality of my life in just a few short years.
I can trust this man. I feel safe.
We can communicate with honesty and respect, even when we disagree.
We care about what each other wants from this life that we choose to share, together we are working towards realizing those dreams and aspirations.
This feels like real, mature, Love.
I am remarried now. My new husband was also married to an alcoholic for a long time. We entered this relationship knowing what we wanted in a partner but even more importantly what we DIDN'T want.
We went to visit my husband's grandmother who lives about 1000miles away. It was an emotional visit, as she is in her mid 90s, we knew it was probably the last time we would get to see her (and the family home) as she was about to go into long term care. As you can imagine, there were a lot of fragile feelings.
The home is on a beautiful lake and DH took the canoe and went fishing while I sat visiting with GM and her care aid. We had plans to go out for dinner when he got back. He came back from what was likely his last fishing trip on that specific lake and we went out for dinner. We talked about how he was feeling about this chapter of his life closing and his GM nearing the end of her journey.
It wasn't until later that night when I saw the liquor bottles on the counter that I realized I hadn't even considered that he might be drinking. He hadn't been drinking to deal with his sad feelings. He hadn't been drinking while he was on the lake fishing . I hadn't checked his eyes or smelled his breath to make sure he wasn't going to drive me to dinner drunk. It never even crossed my mind that I should be on alert for these things... because I don't have to worry about that anymore. It was amazing to realize the enormous shift in the reality of my life in just a few short years.
I can trust this man. I feel safe.
We can communicate with honesty and respect, even when we disagree.
We care about what each other wants from this life that we choose to share, together we are working towards realizing those dreams and aspirations.
This feels like real, mature, Love.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
OKatz, thank you for that bra info! I will check it out.
"Not making excuses" is a good one and takes real awareness to apply.
Watching whatever you want on TV, eating whatever you want, listening to whatever you want, without thinking for *one second* that anyone might ridicule your choices - yes that is love. It's respect. One's partner or parent or sibling or whatever can disagree with these choices but ridicule - no. Never.
"Not making excuses" is a good one and takes real awareness to apply.
Watching whatever you want on TV, eating whatever you want, listening to whatever you want, without thinking for *one second* that anyone might ridicule your choices - yes that is love. It's respect. One's partner or parent or sibling or whatever can disagree with these choices but ridicule - no. Never.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
