Child Visitation with an Alcoholic ***Update***
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Child Visitation with an Alcoholic ***Update***
Thank you all for the responses regarding on how to go about child visitation with an alcoholic. I took a lot of the advice given and added them to my divorce settlement which are the following:
1. No alcohol intake 12 hours before and during visitation with children.
2. No alcohol on the premises.
3. If I suspect that he is under the influence of alcohol or drugs I have the right to suspend the visit. He then would have to go and get tested. If negative I would pay for it. If positive he would pay and after 3 consecutive positive tests he would then have supervised visitations.
4. He must be present with the children during the entire visit.
5. If children become ill during his time they would then stay in my care.
6. No overnights.
7. He is able to take them on a day trip out of town twice a year from 8am-7pm. NO overnight trips. He may choose to travel with family members only that are listed which would be his parents, brother, nephew.
We agreed to a visitation schedule of the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend from 8am-4pm. We agreed that I would keep the house and car. Pay our own legal fees. We have joint legal and I have sole physical.
However, I am okay with everything but the day trips. My heart is already breaking for those days. My STBAXH still drinks heavily and irresponsible. I felt like I had to make a deal with him so that he wouldn't fight for overnights with them. I fear for the future and for the way my sons are growing up. Its not fair that I am divorcing him but still have to manage his alcohol intake. Its not my problem but I worry about it so much because of the boys. Does visitation get better in time? I'm already dreading the terms that I agreed to.
1. No alcohol intake 12 hours before and during visitation with children.
2. No alcohol on the premises.
3. If I suspect that he is under the influence of alcohol or drugs I have the right to suspend the visit. He then would have to go and get tested. If negative I would pay for it. If positive he would pay and after 3 consecutive positive tests he would then have supervised visitations.
4. He must be present with the children during the entire visit.
5. If children become ill during his time they would then stay in my care.
6. No overnights.
7. He is able to take them on a day trip out of town twice a year from 8am-7pm. NO overnight trips. He may choose to travel with family members only that are listed which would be his parents, brother, nephew.
We agreed to a visitation schedule of the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend from 8am-4pm. We agreed that I would keep the house and car. Pay our own legal fees. We have joint legal and I have sole physical.
However, I am okay with everything but the day trips. My heart is already breaking for those days. My STBAXH still drinks heavily and irresponsible. I felt like I had to make a deal with him so that he wouldn't fight for overnights with them. I fear for the future and for the way my sons are growing up. Its not fair that I am divorcing him but still have to manage his alcohol intake. Its not my problem but I worry about it so much because of the boys. Does visitation get better in time? I'm already dreading the terms that I agreed to.
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i think you have enough pre-visit safeties in place that problems with the day trips are minimized. and they are limited to 2x per year. and they are not NOW.
you did good hon. absorb that. you have protections in place.
are either of your children old enough to have an emergency cell phone? i know some other mom's here have supplied such so that in the event they find themselves in a dangerous situation, they can call.
you did good hon. absorb that. you have protections in place.
are either of your children old enough to have an emergency cell phone? i know some other mom's here have supplied such so that in the event they find themselves in a dangerous situation, they can call.
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mamabear....as I said to you, in my previous post....I think it is highly unlikely that he would continue to exercise his visits on a strict schedule...but, rather, diminish them, over time.....
20 hours is a long time to go without alcohol for an alcoholic who drinks heavily, every day....as withdrawl symptoms begin within a few hours and are very uncomfortable.....(and potentially dangerous)....
Facing withdrawl discomfort and the fact that kids require a lot of effort and attention....it would cut into his free "me" time, quite a bit.....
20 hours is a long time to go without alcohol for an alcoholic who drinks heavily, every day....as withdrawl symptoms begin within a few hours and are very uncomfortable.....(and potentially dangerous)....
Facing withdrawl discomfort and the fact that kids require a lot of effort and attention....it would cut into his free "me" time, quite a bit.....
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I worked in Child Support for about 10 years, i found it common for the visitations to fizzle out. The A tends to make a big fuss about getting visitation rights but doesn't stick to it.
So your concerns might take care of themselves if this happens.
So your concerns might take care of themselves if this happens.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
i think you have enough pre-visit safeties in place that problems with the day trips are minimized. and they are limited to 2x per year. and they are not NOW.
you did good hon. absorb that. you have protections in place.
are either of your children old enough to have an emergency cell phone? i know some other mom's here have supplied such so that in the event they find themselves in a dangerous situation, they can call.
you did good hon. absorb that. you have protections in place.
are either of your children old enough to have an emergency cell phone? i know some other mom's here have supplied such so that in the event they find themselves in a dangerous situation, they can call.
Thank you. I'm just trying to make the best decision for my boys. I saw that someone had mentioned to me about a Gizmo watch which can make, receive calls and has GPS tracking so I am going to look into that so my older son who is 10 going to be 11 soon can use it. Thank you for the support!
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Originally Posted by dandylion
mamabear....as I said to you, in my previous post....I think it is highly unlikely that he would continue to exercise his visits on a strict schedule...but, rather, diminish them, over time.....
20 hours is a long time to go without alcohol for an alcoholic who drinks heavily, every day....as withdrawl symptoms begin within a few hours and are very uncomfortable.....(and potentially dangerous)....
Facing withdrawl discomfort and the fact that kids require a lot of effort and attention....it would cut into his free "me" time, quite a bit.....
20 hours is a long time to go without alcohol for an alcoholic who drinks heavily, every day....as withdrawl symptoms begin within a few hours and are very uncomfortable.....(and potentially dangerous)....
Facing withdrawl discomfort and the fact that kids require a lot of effort and attention....it would cut into his free "me" time, quite a bit.....
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
I worked in Child Support for about 10 years, i found it common for the visitations to fizzle out. The A tends to make a big fuss about getting visitation rights but doesn't stick to it.
So your concerns might take care of themselves if this happens.
So your concerns might take care of themselves if this happens.
I hope you are right. I know the boys need their dad but he needs to be in recovery before they can get the best out of him. As they get older I am hoping it will get easier and I wont worry so much. Thank you for the experienced advice!
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mamabear......one thing to consider is that at your boys' ages (10 and 6?).....their time with him will give them the opportunity to know their father as he really is.... and, not a certain "image" that is fostered by someone else. They will see the good and they will see the bad.
You will not need to "interpret" their father to them....they will know and they will remember...you will not have to fall into the trap of bad-mouthing him or painting him with a false brush....
This becomes very important as they grow older. We have, sometimes, seen situations, on this forum, where the older or young adult children "blame" or turn against the non-drinking parent....either for--staying with the alcoholic and causing the children to grow up in an alcoholic home....or.....presenting the alcoholic parent as super loving and caring...while taking on all of the real responsibilities for the children, on their own shoulders. Later in l life...the alcoholic patent can/may require the children to "pick a side"....this can cause terrible conflict within the family....especially painful for the non-alcoholic parent.....
I realize how badly you want him to be the kind of father that you would like for him to be....I think that is natural...but, it is not realistic....he is the kind of father that he is. You can't make him into someone that he is not.
Children seem to do best when they grow up knowing the realities and the truth. Otherwise is just very confusing to them...and, they can carry that confusion into their own adult lives.....
If they have, at least, one stable parent, in a stable and nurturing environment....and, you manage to have them exposed to other good male role-models for them.....then they have a better chance....
There are some good books on single mothers raising boys, that m ight be good for you to read.....
You will not need to "interpret" their father to them....they will know and they will remember...you will not have to fall into the trap of bad-mouthing him or painting him with a false brush....
This becomes very important as they grow older. We have, sometimes, seen situations, on this forum, where the older or young adult children "blame" or turn against the non-drinking parent....either for--staying with the alcoholic and causing the children to grow up in an alcoholic home....or.....presenting the alcoholic parent as super loving and caring...while taking on all of the real responsibilities for the children, on their own shoulders. Later in l life...the alcoholic patent can/may require the children to "pick a side"....this can cause terrible conflict within the family....especially painful for the non-alcoholic parent.....
I realize how badly you want him to be the kind of father that you would like for him to be....I think that is natural...but, it is not realistic....he is the kind of father that he is. You can't make him into someone that he is not.
Children seem to do best when they grow up knowing the realities and the truth. Otherwise is just very confusing to them...and, they can carry that confusion into their own adult lives.....
If they have, at least, one stable parent, in a stable and nurturing environment....and, you manage to have them exposed to other good male role-models for them.....then they have a better chance....
There are some good books on single mothers raising boys, that m ight be good for you to read.....
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Join Date: May 2010
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I can completely relate. It makes me LIVID that I have to be concerned for even a second how much my XAH drinks. I am chained to him. Just a little over a week ago, I had to go pick up my DD b/c dear ol dad was drinking when she was there. What that means for me? Being ready at all times to go pick her up. No going out of town, no being too far away. It's just the way my life is, I have accepted that. It stinks.
Sending you lots of support and huge hugs!
Sending you lots of support and huge hugs!
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Originally Posted by dandylion
mamabear......one thing to consider is that at your boys' ages (10 and 6?).....their time with him will give them the opportunity to know their father as he really is.... and, not a certain "image" that is fostered by someone else. They will see the good and they will see the bad.
You will not need to "interpret" their father to them....they will know and they will remember...you will not have to fall into the trap of bad-mouthing him or painting him with a false brush....
This becomes very important as they grow older. We have, sometimes, seen situations, on this forum, where the older or young adult children "blame" or turn against the non-drinking parent....either for--staying with the alcoholic and causing the children to grow up in an alcoholic home....or.....presenting the alcoholic parent as super loving and caring...while taking on all of the real responsibilities for the children, on their own shoulders. Later in l life...the alcoholic patent can/may require the children to "pick a side"....this can cause terrible conflict within the family....especially painful for the non-alcoholic parent.....
I realize how badly you want him to be the kind of father that you would like for him to be....I think that is natural...but, it is not realistic....he is the kind of father that he is. You can't make him into someone that he is not.
Children seem to do best when they grow up knowing the realities and the truth. Otherwise is just very confusing to them...and, they can carry that confusion into their own adult lives.....
If they have, at least, one stable parent, in a stable and nurturing environment....and, you manage to have them exposed to other good male role-models for them.....then they have a better chance....
There are some good books on single mothers raising boys, that m ight be good for you to read.....
You will not need to "interpret" their father to them....they will know and they will remember...you will not have to fall into the trap of bad-mouthing him or painting him with a false brush....
This becomes very important as they grow older. We have, sometimes, seen situations, on this forum, where the older or young adult children "blame" or turn against the non-drinking parent....either for--staying with the alcoholic and causing the children to grow up in an alcoholic home....or.....presenting the alcoholic parent as super loving and caring...while taking on all of the real responsibilities for the children, on their own shoulders. Later in l life...the alcoholic patent can/may require the children to "pick a side"....this can cause terrible conflict within the family....especially painful for the non-alcoholic parent.....
I realize how badly you want him to be the kind of father that you would like for him to be....I think that is natural...but, it is not realistic....he is the kind of father that he is. You can't make him into someone that he is not.
Children seem to do best when they grow up knowing the realities and the truth. Otherwise is just very confusing to them...and, they can carry that confusion into their own adult lives.....
If they have, at least, one stable parent, in a stable and nurturing environment....and, you manage to have them exposed to other good male role-models for them.....then they have a better chance....
There are some good books on single mothers raising boys, that m ight be good for you to read.....
Yes I do agree they need to see it for themselves. They do have those memories of when he was at home drinking all the time and ignoring them or peeing in the laundry room. They both tell me that they haven't seen him drink lately which is because I am always nagging him about it. And now with these new stipulations I am hoping he sticks with it. However, my boys tell me that they see their uncle who also lives there with their father drinks all the time from the time they get there to the time they leave. Its frustrating because someone in that household is consuming alcohol all the time. I am just going to continue to stick to my guns about no alcohol around them. I hope in time things get better.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
I can completely relate. It makes me LIVID that I have to be concerned for even a second how much my XAH drinks. I am chained to him. Just a little over a week ago, I had to go pick up my DD b/c dear ol dad was drinking when she was there. What that means for me? Being ready at all times to go pick her up. No going out of town, no being too far away. It's just the way my life is, I have accepted that. It stinks.
Sending you lots of support and huge hugs!
Sending you lots of support and huge hugs!
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If it were me, I’d want some sort of fixed distance set forth for the biannual days trips, e.g., up to 25 miles. Either that, or I’d try to reduce the allotted time for the day trip, so he doesn’t take them too far away. The window of time and the distance are things you can negotiate.
Better to ask now than regret later.
Better to ask now than regret later.
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Wonderful update. 
2. No alcohol on the premises.
Definitely stick to your guns on this and all the stipulations. If he hasn't arranged a safe, alcohol-free environment for your kids, he is already breaking the agreement.
All the talking in the world means nothing. Actions speak louder than any words.
2. No alcohol on the premises.
Definitely stick to your guns on this and all the stipulations. If he hasn't arranged a safe, alcohol-free environment for your kids, he is already breaking the agreement.
All the talking in the world means nothing. Actions speak louder than any words.
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Yes yes, yes!!! At first I would bend thinking well he only had one. Nope. Zero tolerance on this. They are like naughty children, if you give an inch, they will take a mile. Stay strong.
Originally Posted by Mango212
Wonderful update.
2. No alcohol on the premises.
Definitely stick to your guns on this and all the stipulations. If he hasn't arranged a safe, alcohol-free environment for your kids, he is already breaking the agreement.
All the talking in the world means nothing. Actions speak louder than any words.
2. No alcohol on the premises.
Definitely stick to your guns on this and all the stipulations. If he hasn't arranged a safe, alcohol-free environment for your kids, he is already breaking the agreement.
All the talking in the world means nothing. Actions speak louder than any words.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Just make sure that whatever terms you insist on are enforceable. "No alcohol on the premises" - that would be great, but how are you going to enforce it? Search his place every time you drop off/pick up kids? Rely on kids to tell you? If you have unenforceable terms in your agreement, you run the risk of the alcoholic thinking "well, I can get away with violating the 'no booze on site' part, so I can violate all the others too".
I went from "no alcohol on the premises" to "no drinking around Kid", because I realized the former wasn't enforceable but the latter was, with SoberLink. In general I don't care how much ex drinks - but I do care what he does when he's with Kid.
I would stick with testing and no overnights. What kind of testing are you using? Can you request breathalyzer tests 30 min before, every two hours during, and 30 min after each visit?
I went from "no alcohol on the premises" to "no drinking around Kid", because I realized the former wasn't enforceable but the latter was, with SoberLink. In general I don't care how much ex drinks - but I do care what he does when he's with Kid.
I would stick with testing and no overnights. What kind of testing are you using? Can you request breathalyzer tests 30 min before, every two hours during, and 30 min after each visit?
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
Just make sure that whatever terms you insist on are enforceable. "No alcohol on the premises" - that would be great, but how are you going to enforce it? Search his place every time you drop off/pick up kids? Rely on kids to tell you? If you have unenforceable terms in your agreement, you run the risk of the alcoholic thinking "well, I can get away with violating the 'no booze on site' part, so I can violate all the others too".
I went from "no alcohol on the premises" to "no drinking around Kid", because I realized the former wasn't enforceable but the latter was, with SoberLink. In general I don't care how much ex drinks - but I do care what he does when he's with Kid.
I would stick with testing and no overnights. What kind of testing are you using? Can you request breathalyzer tests 30 min before, every two hours during, and 30 min after each visit?
I went from "no alcohol on the premises" to "no drinking around Kid", because I realized the former wasn't enforceable but the latter was, with SoberLink. In general I don't care how much ex drinks - but I do care what he does when he's with Kid.
I would stick with testing and no overnights. What kind of testing are you using? Can you request breathalyzer tests 30 min before, every two hours during, and 30 min after each visit?
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Originally Posted by Mango212
Wonderful update.
2. No alcohol on the premises.
Definitely stick to your guns on this and all the stipulations. If he hasn't arranged a safe, alcohol-free environment for your kids, he is already breaking the agreement.
All the talking in the world means nothing. Actions speak louder than any words.
2. No alcohol on the premises.
Definitely stick to your guns on this and all the stipulations. If he hasn't arranged a safe, alcohol-free environment for your kids, he is already breaking the agreement.
All the talking in the world means nothing. Actions speak louder than any words.
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Originally Posted by daredevil
If it were me, I’d want some sort of fixed distance set forth for the biannual days trips, e.g., up to 25 miles. Either that, or I’d try to reduce the allotted time for the day trip, so he doesn’t take them too far away. The window of time and the distance are things you can negotiate.
Better to ask now than regret later.
Better to ask now than regret later.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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I'd suggest putting the responsibility on the alcoholic. He can provide the proof of not drinking, of not having alcohol on the premises. A free counselor at a domestic abuse help center could be a great help in working through ideas on this.
That he's living with someone who drinks very often would probably be enough for me to withhold visits until something changes. If no proof of an alcohol-free environment is being provided, then no visits. YMMV. Is there a penalty for you doing this? As you keep notes, keep to the facts and not emotions. (((hugs)))
There isn't so much a right/wrong way of dealing with things as a learning curve. As I continue to stand up for myself and kid, with plenty of good support around me, my backbone is getting stronger.
That he's living with someone who drinks very often would probably be enough for me to withhold visits until something changes. If no proof of an alcohol-free environment is being provided, then no visits. YMMV. Is there a penalty for you doing this? As you keep notes, keep to the facts and not emotions. (((hugs)))
There isn't so much a right/wrong way of dealing with things as a learning curve. As I continue to stand up for myself and kid, with plenty of good support around me, my backbone is getting stronger.
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
I worked in Child Support for about 10 years, i found it common for the visitations to fizzle out. The A tends to make a big fuss about getting visitation rights but doesn't stick to it.
So your concerns might take care of themselves if this happens.
So your concerns might take care of themselves if this happens.
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