Fiance in denial - I want to help but don't know how
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
He has said horrific things to me - told me I was not worthy of love, that he hoped I would die, that I was a monster and a disgusting human being - telling me no one would ever love me....
He would resort to getting right in my face, smashing my book away, etc.
A few times I was afraid that it would get physical and I'd run and lock myself in the bathroom crying, begging him to please leave me alone and just go watch TV. He would stand outside and laugh at me and taunt me, continuing the verbal abuse.
I give him a monthly allowance (because he pouts otherwise), I do all of the household chores even though I work and he's at home all day, and I lie and cover for him to friends/family. I even moved to another country with him, thinking it would help him to "start fresh", thinking that if I could make him happy enough, he wouldn't want to drink. I do everything to make his life easier to alleviate any depression/emotional stress he may have, in hopes that it would help him to see how much I love him, and that it's worth while to stop drinking, but I suppose I only make it easier for him to drink.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
This guy is an abusive, jerk of an addict. Whether or not alcohol is in the picture, he is abusive, period. That is enough reason right there to exit the relationship. If you were my daughter, sister, co-worker. friend, mother, I'd give you the same advice. Abuse is abuse; whether drinking or not drinking. Abuse tends to escalate from verbal to physical, eventually. Please stay safe. Alanon is a wonderful thing....it will help you feel empowered to do what you need to do; to take the steps you need to take. You are a good, strong woman. You are among good souls here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
If those things you describe are the ways a "best friend" treats someone I would rather never have a best friend....someone like that is not a friend at all. Honestly I see someone sucking the life out of you and if you let him he will take everything...and I do mean everything. I'm not saying this to be harsh (I have an XRAH and I know it's hard to break free so I do feel the pain) but to let you know what could happen when continuing this type of relationship.
I have a friend in a relationship similar to yours - she lost her finances (she had a good job but is now bankrupt due to all the credit she got for him), she lost her apartment (evicted), she lost her health and she lost herself. He stole from her, he verbally abused her and she went from being a happy individual to someone scared and anxious about everything even driving on the freeway (never had issues before). All of this happened due to various things she was doing to "care for" and "help" him (I could go into details but you get the idea). Only she can choose to save herself or not....it's excruciating to watch. If she didn't work for a family member she would have lost her job care taking for him. And she too said she would never let him do this to her.....well it happened. I only share this in hopes it makes you not want to walk that path.
I have a friend in a relationship similar to yours - she lost her finances (she had a good job but is now bankrupt due to all the credit she got for him), she lost her apartment (evicted), she lost her health and she lost herself. He stole from her, he verbally abused her and she went from being a happy individual to someone scared and anxious about everything even driving on the freeway (never had issues before). All of this happened due to various things she was doing to "care for" and "help" him (I could go into details but you get the idea). Only she can choose to save herself or not....it's excruciating to watch. If she didn't work for a family member she would have lost her job care taking for him. And she too said she would never let him do this to her.....well it happened. I only share this in hopes it makes you not want to walk that path.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
It seems to me that you probably know deep down this is not healthy and that you should leave. Your dilemma seems to be dealing with the guilt and sorrow of what he will be left with if you leave him. It almost seems that you feel better being a martyr than to leave the relationship and leave him stranded which would only help you.
I suffered the same dilemma. I felt better taking care of him rather than taking care of myself. It’s like a martyr syndrome. My AH is fortunately returning from rehab today, so at least things are more optimistic since he got help.
I suffered the same dilemma. I felt better taking care of him rather than taking care of myself. It’s like a martyr syndrome. My AH is fortunately returning from rehab today, so at least things are more optimistic since he got help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
One more thing, well a couple more:
1. You are NOT responsible for him. Not financially, not emotionally, not in any way, shape or form. You might "feel" like you are but feelings are not facts. He isn't a helpless child.
2. You can't help him. You said over and over he's in denial. Well there you go. He doesn't want help. He wants to drink and use and manipulate you so he can continue to drink with no responsibility and no consequences.
3. It will get worse. Unless he makes a real commitment to recovery- which he has zero interest in- his addiction will get worse and the abuse will get worse.
Once again, I know this is not what you want to hear. I'm sorry to be blunt but I reread your post and am angry and frightened on your behalf.
1. You are NOT responsible for him. Not financially, not emotionally, not in any way, shape or form. You might "feel" like you are but feelings are not facts. He isn't a helpless child.
2. You can't help him. You said over and over he's in denial. Well there you go. He doesn't want help. He wants to drink and use and manipulate you so he can continue to drink with no responsibility and no consequences.
3. It will get worse. Unless he makes a real commitment to recovery- which he has zero interest in- his addiction will get worse and the abuse will get worse.
Once again, I know this is not what you want to hear. I'm sorry to be blunt but I reread your post and am angry and frightened on your behalf.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 128
Alanon helps a lot. I'm working on letting go, not just sometimes, or most of the time, but to have the peace of mind to really not get dragged back into codependancy aka sadness, remembering what was, feeling frustrated because I know what's best and so does my AH, and worrying about what could come tomorrow. Really accepting that I am powerless. I can't change the world to match my thoughts, but I can look at the big picture today and understand that there is so much more out there other than my limited thoughts. I'm glad today that I have given alanon a second chance.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Your attitude is very encouraging. 😍
Originally Posted by Blueskies18 
Alanon helps a lot. I'm working on letting go, not just sometimes, or most of the time, but to have the peace of mind to really not get dragged back into codependancy aka sadness, remembering what was, feeling frustrated because I know what's best and so does my AH, and worrying about what could come tomorrow. Really accepting that I am powerless. I can't change the world to match my thoughts, but I can look at the big picture today and understand that there is so much more out there other than my limited thoughts. I'm glad today that I have given alanon a second chance.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
SugarSpice,
Welcome!
The past is gone. You are free in this moment!
I hope this post is first step for you in finding some peace of mind and claiming your life. It's not an easy journey, but so worth it. Keep reaching out, keep asking for and accepting help. Sometimes, when I find myself deep in my own dysfunction it is best for me to just follow directions!
Let go of the alcoholic or be dragged.
Peace,
B.
Welcome!
The past is gone. You are free in this moment!
I hope this post is first step for you in finding some peace of mind and claiming your life. It's not an easy journey, but so worth it. Keep reaching out, keep asking for and accepting help. Sometimes, when I find myself deep in my own dysfunction it is best for me to just follow directions!
Let go of the alcoholic or be dragged.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi SS
When I read your post I thought to myself that you are in a very bad situation. The only positives I saw are that you have a good job & do well financially, you aren't married to him (yet?), & you have no children in the picture.
I next thought why should this guy change anything after all he has a great gig going on. You do everything - he does nothing (not even a job) but drink & act any crazy way he wants. You even give him an allowance - LOL. He's a genius in a very demented way!
Sadly I agree with what others have written here. You are being seriously used & abused. What loving sane man would do what he is doing - none! You have a raging alcoholic addict on your hands. That is the reality here.
I hope you choose to save yourself. He will not save you. From your own statement You have tried everything & nothing worked. From my own experience, I know the reality of that statement painfully all to well.
I am sorry for your situation.
When I read your post I thought to myself that you are in a very bad situation. The only positives I saw are that you have a good job & do well financially, you aren't married to him (yet?), & you have no children in the picture.
I next thought why should this guy change anything after all he has a great gig going on. You do everything - he does nothing (not even a job) but drink & act any crazy way he wants. You even give him an allowance - LOL. He's a genius in a very demented way!
Sadly I agree with what others have written here. You are being seriously used & abused. What loving sane man would do what he is doing - none! You have a raging alcoholic addict on your hands. That is the reality here.
I hope you choose to save yourself. He will not save you. From your own statement You have tried everything & nothing worked. From my own experience, I know the reality of that statement painfully all to well.
I am sorry for your situation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
You like having an alcoholic puppy dog in your life. You enjoy holding the leash and having full control over him. I mean it’s not like he’s going anywhere when he has it so good. He loves being kept my his generous mistress who feeds him and strokes him even if he pees on the rug. He’ll hold up his paw and give you that cute drunken puppy dog look and he knows he’ll get his chocolate drops, his bone and his tummy tickled. He’s rolling in clover!
You’re as sick as your alcoholic puppy. I don’t think you’re ready to face the reality of your codependency. What would you do without him? You’d go looking for a new alcoholic puppy to control.
If you really want to resolve your situation, you need to look at your own sickness. You can’t cure him but you could cure yourself if you’re prepared to do the work. It’s hard work, takes commitment and a 12 Step program. You first have to admit that you are powerless over another human being and your life has become unmanageable. Try a CoDA meeting.
Are you willing to admit that you’re powerless over the alcoholic and take the first step in your own recovery? Or will you stay sick until your alcoholic puppy turns into a Rottweiler and attacks you? Is that what it’s going to take to make you see the truth about your own sickness?
Harsh words but you need to hear it. For goodness sake, you’re a young and intelligent woman. Don’t ruin your life like this.
I’m the mother of an alcoholic son. He’d love you. You’re an alcoholic’s dream come true. When you kick him out, he’ll pine at your door. Not for too long though. Not for you either but for all the goodies he’ll be deprived of and his monthly allowance. He’ll soon pull that puppy dog face at some other mistress who’ll take him in, so don’t worry about him too much. They’re very good at sniffing out a new sucker .
You need to focus on your own recovery. Codependency is a disease too and it could kill you.
Take great care.
You’re as sick as your alcoholic puppy. I don’t think you’re ready to face the reality of your codependency. What would you do without him? You’d go looking for a new alcoholic puppy to control.
If you really want to resolve your situation, you need to look at your own sickness. You can’t cure him but you could cure yourself if you’re prepared to do the work. It’s hard work, takes commitment and a 12 Step program. You first have to admit that you are powerless over another human being and your life has become unmanageable. Try a CoDA meeting.
Are you willing to admit that you’re powerless over the alcoholic and take the first step in your own recovery? Or will you stay sick until your alcoholic puppy turns into a Rottweiler and attacks you? Is that what it’s going to take to make you see the truth about your own sickness?
Harsh words but you need to hear it. For goodness sake, you’re a young and intelligent woman. Don’t ruin your life like this.
I’m the mother of an alcoholic son. He’d love you. You’re an alcoholic’s dream come true. When you kick him out, he’ll pine at your door. Not for too long though. Not for you either but for all the goodies he’ll be deprived of and his monthly allowance. He’ll soon pull that puppy dog face at some other mistress who’ll take him in, so don’t worry about him too much. They’re very good at sniffing out a new sucker .
You need to focus on your own recovery. Codependency is a disease too and it could kill you.
Take great care.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
It is me again and again and again.
I see you in where I was 5 years ago. Save yourself. You cannot save him. He will destroy himself and take you down with him. Addiction is no joke. Look at your own issue and work on them. Why are you ok with being treated like this. I heard the apologies and the puppy faces. I wasn't as bad because he still have a job so he took care of himself financially. He's. It looking out for you. He is looking out for himself and his first love- alcohol. You are nothing but a puppet for him. Abuse gets worse. Once you accept it - it escalates. It has very serious ramifications. I was suicidal when I left and for a long time after. Your codependency or addiction for love from someone who is not capable of loving even himself will destroy you mentally and physically and in every other way. Let him fall and let him figure out his path. That's his journey. Not yours. Go to alanon. Go to open AA meetings. Learn as much as you can about addiction for yourself- not to fix him. Find support for yourself. You need it now. You will need it when and if you leave. Kids don't need to see their father black out and pee himself. They grow up thinking that's normal and they learn that behavior.
Hugs and more hugs.
I see you in where I was 5 years ago. Save yourself. You cannot save him. He will destroy himself and take you down with him. Addiction is no joke. Look at your own issue and work on them. Why are you ok with being treated like this. I heard the apologies and the puppy faces. I wasn't as bad because he still have a job so he took care of himself financially. He's. It looking out for you. He is looking out for himself and his first love- alcohol. You are nothing but a puppet for him. Abuse gets worse. Once you accept it - it escalates. It has very serious ramifications. I was suicidal when I left and for a long time after. Your codependency or addiction for love from someone who is not capable of loving even himself will destroy you mentally and physically and in every other way. Let him fall and let him figure out his path. That's his journey. Not yours. Go to alanon. Go to open AA meetings. Learn as much as you can about addiction for yourself- not to fix him. Find support for yourself. You need it now. You will need it when and if you leave. Kids don't need to see their father black out and pee himself. They grow up thinking that's normal and they learn that behavior.
Hugs and more hugs.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Cut him loose and let him fend for himself. He will drag you down further if you let him. And verbal abuse can easily become physical abuse, I'm proof of that. 
I hope you can find the courage to leave him before he destroys you.
I hope you can find the courage to leave him before he destroys you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Hi, sorry you find yourself in this situation.
Here is the thing. You are his caregiver. You look after him financially, emotionally and with creature comforts.
Now, that is not to say that other couples don't have challenges where one partner takes on the bulk of responsibility for whatever reason, whether that's child care or because of an injury etc.
The difference in your situation is that your partner is an active, abusive, alcoholic. So not only do you get the pleasure of taking care of everything for him, you get abused for it.
That is not normal. He is not normal, your situation is not normal and I think you are too far in to it to see that clearly.
I recommend you get some space and I mean physical space away from him, even if only for a week or two so you can really gather your thoughts.
Al-Anon is not bleak by the way. They give you suggestions about having a different perspective on things. Now, if you choose not to, no one will bar the way out of the meeting room!
You seem resistant to change anything and yet you are living in misery. Until you get some perspective, you are probably going to be right where you are.
Just because you seek help doesn't mean you have to change a thing, just keep that in mind. Just because you take a break away for 2 weeks doesn't' mean you can't ever go back, just because you attend Al-Anon doesn't mean you have to accept anything they say.
One other thing, which you will no doubt find from reading around, including the articles that Dandylion linked to, alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse not better. How he is now is not how he is going to stay. He will need to consume more and more to get the same buzz. The brain changes, his functioning will decline.
Here is the thing. You are his caregiver. You look after him financially, emotionally and with creature comforts.
Now, that is not to say that other couples don't have challenges where one partner takes on the bulk of responsibility for whatever reason, whether that's child care or because of an injury etc.
The difference in your situation is that your partner is an active, abusive, alcoholic. So not only do you get the pleasure of taking care of everything for him, you get abused for it.
That is not normal. He is not normal, your situation is not normal and I think you are too far in to it to see that clearly.
I recommend you get some space and I mean physical space away from him, even if only for a week or two so you can really gather your thoughts.
Al-Anon is not bleak by the way. They give you suggestions about having a different perspective on things. Now, if you choose not to, no one will bar the way out of the meeting room!
You seem resistant to change anything and yet you are living in misery. Until you get some perspective, you are probably going to be right where you are.
Just because you seek help doesn't mean you have to change a thing, just keep that in mind. Just because you take a break away for 2 weeks doesn't' mean you can't ever go back, just because you attend Al-Anon doesn't mean you have to accept anything they say.
One other thing, which you will no doubt find from reading around, including the articles that Dandylion linked to, alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse not better. How he is now is not how he is going to stay. He will need to consume more and more to get the same buzz. The brain changes, his functioning will decline.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
My husband was my best friend and love of my life when we were dating. When we were engaged, I remember talking to my father of whether I should really go through with the marriage. It was like Door #1, stay with him or Door #2 end the engagement and walk away.
I just remember thinking that I was getting married to this dark tall handsome guy who drank a lot but had a job. We made the same amount of money. It was like bait and switch when we got married. Instead of being an easygoing guy, he was this angry guy who drank and was verbally abusive. As well, when we started living together after we got married, I found out he was $80,000 in debt. And then instead of having a job, he kept getting fired from jobs. It was like marriage was a trigger and too much responsibility.
If it is stressful now being engaged, believe me if he is an alcoholic it will probably get worse when you are married. Marriage is like a legal contract.
So Door #1, you stay with him. My 11 years later will tell you after 2 divorces that timed out, 2 DUIs, and 2 beautiful children--you need to slow down this engagement. You only want to be married to him if he makes positive changes like getting a job and committing to sobriety. Kids are a beautiful thing-no regrets about having my kids. But your kids will need a responsible father who can help to be a good role model. I am very lucky that my husband is now in sobriety. Getting Them Sober books really helped me. But it really was up to him to get sober, and I needed to take care of myself.
Door #2, you leave, make a clean break. When I went through my 2nd divorce, I actually moved out at the end of our lease and moved to another town and rented a 1 bedroom apartment. I really needed this time for myself. It really took me hitting rock bottom myself to leave which was his 2nd DUI. I was not intimate with him during all of those years.
His 2nd DUI was his rock bottom. I have needed to have confidence in myself that I was worth it. If I was breaking up or divorcing him, it meant that he could date someone. At this point, I did not care. Anyone else in the world could have him. Sometimes you have to let someone go and if it is meant to be they will come back. I did not take him back or be intimate with my husband until I saw several years of sobriety.
I just remember thinking that I was getting married to this dark tall handsome guy who drank a lot but had a job. We made the same amount of money. It was like bait and switch when we got married. Instead of being an easygoing guy, he was this angry guy who drank and was verbally abusive. As well, when we started living together after we got married, I found out he was $80,000 in debt. And then instead of having a job, he kept getting fired from jobs. It was like marriage was a trigger and too much responsibility.
If it is stressful now being engaged, believe me if he is an alcoholic it will probably get worse when you are married. Marriage is like a legal contract.
So Door #1, you stay with him. My 11 years later will tell you after 2 divorces that timed out, 2 DUIs, and 2 beautiful children--you need to slow down this engagement. You only want to be married to him if he makes positive changes like getting a job and committing to sobriety. Kids are a beautiful thing-no regrets about having my kids. But your kids will need a responsible father who can help to be a good role model. I am very lucky that my husband is now in sobriety. Getting Them Sober books really helped me. But it really was up to him to get sober, and I needed to take care of myself.
Door #2, you leave, make a clean break. When I went through my 2nd divorce, I actually moved out at the end of our lease and moved to another town and rented a 1 bedroom apartment. I really needed this time for myself. It really took me hitting rock bottom myself to leave which was his 2nd DUI. I was not intimate with him during all of those years.
His 2nd DUI was his rock bottom. I have needed to have confidence in myself that I was worth it. If I was breaking up or divorcing him, it meant that he could date someone. At this point, I did not care. Anyone else in the world could have him. Sometimes you have to let someone go and if it is meant to be they will come back. I did not take him back or be intimate with my husband until I saw several years of sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Originally Posted by Codimum
You like having an alcoholic puppy dog in your life. You enjoy holding the leash and having full control over him. I mean it’s not like he’s going anywhere when he has it so good. He loves being kept my his generous mistress who feeds him and strokes him even if he pees on the rug. He’ll hold up his paw and give you that cute drunken puppy dog look and he knows he’ll get his chocolate drops, his bone and his tummy tickled. He’s rolling in clover!
You’re as sick as your alcoholic puppy. I don’t think you’re ready to face the reality of your codependency. What would you do without him? You’d go looking for a new alcoholic puppy to control.
If you really want to resolve your situation, you need to look at your own sickness. You can’t cure him but you could cure yourself if you’re prepared to do the work. It’s hard work, takes commitment and a 12 Step program. You first have to admit that you are powerless over another human being and your life has become unmanageable. Try a CoDA meeting.
Are you willing to admit that you’re powerless over the alcoholic and take the first step in your own recovery? Or will you stay sick until your alcoholic puppy turns into a Rottweiler and attacks you? Is that what it’s going to take to make you see the truth about your own sickness?
Harsh words but you need to hear it. For goodness sake, you’re a young and intelligent woman. Don’t ruin your life like this.
I’m the mother of an alcoholic son. He’d love you. You’re an alcoholic’s dream come true. When you kick him out, he’ll pine at your door. Not for too long though. Not for you either but for all the goodies he’ll be deprived of and his monthly allowance. He’ll soon pull that puppy dog face at some other mistress who’ll take him in, so don’t worry about him too much. They’re very good at sniffing out a new sucker .
You need to focus on your own recovery. Codependency is a disease too and it could kill you.
Take great care.
You’re as sick as your alcoholic puppy. I don’t think you’re ready to face the reality of your codependency. What would you do without him? You’d go looking for a new alcoholic puppy to control.
If you really want to resolve your situation, you need to look at your own sickness. You can’t cure him but you could cure yourself if you’re prepared to do the work. It’s hard work, takes commitment and a 12 Step program. You first have to admit that you are powerless over another human being and your life has become unmanageable. Try a CoDA meeting.
Are you willing to admit that you’re powerless over the alcoholic and take the first step in your own recovery? Or will you stay sick until your alcoholic puppy turns into a Rottweiler and attacks you? Is that what it’s going to take to make you see the truth about your own sickness?
Harsh words but you need to hear it. For goodness sake, you’re a young and intelligent woman. Don’t ruin your life like this.
I’m the mother of an alcoholic son. He’d love you. You’re an alcoholic’s dream come true. When you kick him out, he’ll pine at your door. Not for too long though. Not for you either but for all the goodies he’ll be deprived of and his monthly allowance. He’ll soon pull that puppy dog face at some other mistress who’ll take him in, so don’t worry about him too much. They’re very good at sniffing out a new sucker .
You need to focus on your own recovery. Codependency is a disease too and it could kill you.
Take great care.
Thank you so much for your post CodiMum, it has made an enormous impact on me and my recovery. It has been in my head since I read it yesterday. Bouncing around.
The bare and raw truth. Just what I needed. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by SugarSpice
Hi everyone,
He has been verbally abusive but never physically. He has said horrific things to me - told me I was not worthy of love, that he hoped I would die, that I was a monster and a disgusting human being - telling me no one would ever love me.... This would start from something minor and trivial, like the aforementioned incidents, but would escalate to verbal abuse. I would stay silent throughout his tirades. I sit on the couch and stare straight ahead, and try to read a book or browse on my phone and ignore him. He would resort to getting right in my face, smashing my book away, etc. A few times I was afraid that it would get physical and I'd run and lock myself in the bathroom crying, begging him to please leave me alone and just go watch TV. He would stand outside and laugh at me and taunt me, continuing the verbal abuse. Even though I sound like a doormat, I am in every other situation an assertive person who doesn't resort to juvenile fighting and does not tolerate it from others. But he has turned me into someone I don't even recognize in terms of my own anger issues that have arisen from these confrontations.
He has been verbally abusive but never physically. He has said horrific things to me - told me I was not worthy of love, that he hoped I would die, that I was a monster and a disgusting human being - telling me no one would ever love me.... This would start from something minor and trivial, like the aforementioned incidents, but would escalate to verbal abuse. I would stay silent throughout his tirades. I sit on the couch and stare straight ahead, and try to read a book or browse on my phone and ignore him. He would resort to getting right in my face, smashing my book away, etc. A few times I was afraid that it would get physical and I'd run and lock myself in the bathroom crying, begging him to please leave me alone and just go watch TV. He would stand outside and laugh at me and taunt me, continuing the verbal abuse. Even though I sound like a doormat, I am in every other situation an assertive person who doesn't resort to juvenile fighting and does not tolerate it from others. But he has turned me into someone I don't even recognize in terms of my own anger issues that have arisen from these confrontations.
Also helpful.. was opening up to my family and close friends for support. When I was hiding things I felt trapped and ashamed.
And.. I moved out for a while and it gave me a chance to gain a new perspective on the situation I was in.
I've tried to leave many, many times. Fortunately, my situation is different than most. I am the sole breadwinner and I earn a very good living - he is unemployed and has no income and no savings. . He is almost 40 and has no career prospects, no marketable experience, and zero ambition. Now it's two years later and he barely makes an effort at his art, and shows no regard for the fact that I shoulder all the responsibility of running our household ( we do not have children). When I try to gently bring up the inequity of our roles, he gets very defensive and accuses me of not believing in his talent (he is talented, but also lazy). Every time I try to end things, he argues with me that he doesn't have a problem and that I'm being dramatic, but eventually promises to "cut down on his drinking". But after 3 or 4 weeks of abstinence, he eventually finds a reason to drink again. There's always something that happens that justifies him drinking (in his mind). Even though we aren't married yet, I feel responsible for him. He's financially dependent on me, but also emotionally - and I am literally his only friend.
I definitely fall under the "enabling" label - I give him a monthly allowance (because he pouts otherwise), I do all of the household chores even though I work and he's at home all day, and I lie and cover for him to friends/family. I even moved to another country with him, thinking it would help him to "start fresh", thinking that if I could make him happy enough, he wouldn't want to drink. I do everything to make his life easier to alleviate any depression/emotional stress he may have, in hopes that it would help him to see how much I love him, and that it's worth while to stop drinking, but I suppose I only make it easier for him to drink.
Because of his drinking, I no longer drink. I am terrified of making it seem like acceptable behavior, so I have stopped even having a glass of wine with dinner. I have alienated myself socially, because of the shame I feel - my friends have seen him blackout drunk, and they are what I would call "fancy, educated types" who do not normally encounter his kind of behavior. It was incredibly embarassing to me, and I don't want to have the difficult conversations with them about his drinking, so I've just just gradually shut them out. I know they think I can do better. I can't talk to anyone about my situation, because I don't want them to judge me or him. My dad in particular likes my fiance as a person but calls him "Mr. Useless" and encourages me to leave him constantly. That just makes me feel like a failure.
It sounds like your dad thinks highly of you, wants you to have someone who is an equal partner and makes you happy.
Can anyone share some wisdom or advice as to how I can proceed? How do I help someone who is in denial? How do I "stand by him" without enabling? I feel like if I cut off all financial support it isn't fair, and I worry about how he'd cope. I want to support him and help him, but if he isn't at the stage where he sees that he has a problem, then what can I do?
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