Could use some ideas / thoughts / support
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Could use some ideas / thoughts / support
I have almost told DH so many times in the past few months that I want us to live apart. Caveat: we have some financial obligations that we are working on and I don't want to part ways before they are taken care of. I'm kinda logical and methodical in that way, and I'm a planner to fault at times. The thing is I don't know how he will react if I say I want to live separately but we have to work together to take care of xyz before that happens. He already once threatened me about money - he was drunk at the time and I had confronted him about his hidden booze. It's so hard to stay silent when I know I want out, but sometimes it seems like the silence is short time punishment for a means to and end.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 8
Hi Clover,
I recently moved out, so I understand exactly how you feel. Before I had the guts to follow through, I kept convincing myself that I had to stay for x, y, z. The truth is, I was just really afraid of the unknown.
You mentioned you don’t know how your husband will react if you tell him. Maybe it’s best for your safety that you don’t tell him? Is there a way that you can take steps to secure finances for yourself, like a separate bank account? Even if you can sock away a little bit, it’ll help out.
Can you stay with family or friends temporarily to help you get back on your feet? I moved in with family for a few weeks while I hunted for an apartment.
I recently moved out, so I understand exactly how you feel. Before I had the guts to follow through, I kept convincing myself that I had to stay for x, y, z. The truth is, I was just really afraid of the unknown.
You mentioned you don’t know how your husband will react if you tell him. Maybe it’s best for your safety that you don’t tell him? Is there a way that you can take steps to secure finances for yourself, like a separate bank account? Even if you can sock away a little bit, it’ll help out.
Can you stay with family or friends temporarily to help you get back on your feet? I moved in with family for a few weeks while I hunted for an apartment.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Clover like you I don't mess around when it comes to financial security. Only you can decide whether you'll stick it out a bit longer to finalise the money side, or whether you can cover yourself as best you can and leave.
You've had a hint from him as to his attitude. I'd take it seriously.
You say silence is a short term 'punishment'. Think of it as a necessary step to reach your goals so you know you're working for yourself if you decide to stay. If positive self talk doesn't help and you find yourself mentally struggling you may have to evaluate the risk and remove yourself from the situation.
In the meanwhile it might help to attend Alanon for support and back off completely about his drinking because it's just going to result in all round stress.
You've had a hint from him as to his attitude. I'd take it seriously.
You say silence is a short term 'punishment'. Think of it as a necessary step to reach your goals so you know you're working for yourself if you decide to stay. If positive self talk doesn't help and you find yourself mentally struggling you may have to evaluate the risk and remove yourself from the situation.
In the meanwhile it might help to attend Alanon for support and back off completely about his drinking because it's just going to result in all round stress.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Thank you for the replies. I've thought a lot about them.
The only unknown that I'm afraid about is the financial aspect. I see myself in my own place (with the kids) fixing it up, planting flowers, etc. I am so ready, and living this parallel life is really becoming more and more difficult. I feel like I have no time to myself.
I left out a lot of details for brevity sake. I lived alone with the kids for 9 months in a different state while he took a new job here. I tried to find work in a neighboring state near family and was not able to do so. I also couldn't find full time work wear I was living. I had a weak moment and told him that I would move here and we could try but if it didn't work out I would want permission to leave the state with the kids if I couldn't find work / needed more support. He said he was relieved. Then he came to visit for spring break and had hidden booze (this was last year). I confronted him and told him I wasn't moving and he said he wasn't going to pay rent on the house anymore. I confronted him about that later and he apologized. I moved and we are all settled in here. It was a godsend that I found a good job, but having been out of the full time job market, the pay is ok but not great. It is a stable job with good benefits and I know I can move up.
I have no family here and no friends to speak of. I'm pretty lonely in every way possible. I have one work friend but she lives in another state and of course is busy with family responsibilities just like me.
The "logical" side of me wants to say "I think we should lovingly let each other go. This isn't working for us and you can't be happy either. Let's work together and get these financial obligations accomplished and work on a plan where we can all have a good life". I had already told him that I don't want to soak him. My sister who knows him well seems to think he would react ok and maybe be relieved. I'm not so sure.
What I have done - I wanted to start squirreling some money away but felt like it was deceitful so I didn't. Now he has been looking at the back account, so he would notice. I arranged a month to month lease with the landlord, so we only have to give 2 months notice. I am very detached and have been for awhile. I'm ready to start a new life. We haven't been a couple for a long time. Hell, I've been sleeping on the couch for a couple of years now.
after the falling incident in my other thread, I've been thinking about it more. Someone close to me died too. I've really thought about it and talked to my sister about it today. I think I will say something this weekend. I pray that it at least relieves some tension. We couldn't make any moves until after the summer, as most of my money will go to child care
The only unknown that I'm afraid about is the financial aspect. I see myself in my own place (with the kids) fixing it up, planting flowers, etc. I am so ready, and living this parallel life is really becoming more and more difficult. I feel like I have no time to myself.
I left out a lot of details for brevity sake. I lived alone with the kids for 9 months in a different state while he took a new job here. I tried to find work in a neighboring state near family and was not able to do so. I also couldn't find full time work wear I was living. I had a weak moment and told him that I would move here and we could try but if it didn't work out I would want permission to leave the state with the kids if I couldn't find work / needed more support. He said he was relieved. Then he came to visit for spring break and had hidden booze (this was last year). I confronted him and told him I wasn't moving and he said he wasn't going to pay rent on the house anymore. I confronted him about that later and he apologized. I moved and we are all settled in here. It was a godsend that I found a good job, but having been out of the full time job market, the pay is ok but not great. It is a stable job with good benefits and I know I can move up.
I have no family here and no friends to speak of. I'm pretty lonely in every way possible. I have one work friend but she lives in another state and of course is busy with family responsibilities just like me.
The "logical" side of me wants to say "I think we should lovingly let each other go. This isn't working for us and you can't be happy either. Let's work together and get these financial obligations accomplished and work on a plan where we can all have a good life". I had already told him that I don't want to soak him. My sister who knows him well seems to think he would react ok and maybe be relieved. I'm not so sure.
What I have done - I wanted to start squirreling some money away but felt like it was deceitful so I didn't. Now he has been looking at the back account, so he would notice. I arranged a month to month lease with the landlord, so we only have to give 2 months notice. I am very detached and have been for awhile. I'm ready to start a new life. We haven't been a couple for a long time. Hell, I've been sleeping on the couch for a couple of years now.
after the falling incident in my other thread, I've been thinking about it more. Someone close to me died too. I've really thought about it and talked to my sister about it today. I think I will say something this weekend. I pray that it at least relieves some tension. We couldn't make any moves until after the summer, as most of my money will go to child care
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Clover....I know that you are only thinking about living in separate places, for now. In case you ever do think of divorce....you might want to read in the following website....it is educational, in nature, and is arranged by individual state....
Just knowing the facts, and your (and his) rights...can make you feel more secured and confident in yourself.....
www.womansdivorce.com
Another thing....you might consult social services for the county that you reside in...you can get the number off of the county government website.
If you get a legal separation...or become a single parent....you may be eligible for more assistance that you think....at least, for food and child care assistance...and, maybe more.
Every bit helps! Turn over every rock....
How old are your children?
Just knowing the facts, and your (and his) rights...can make you feel more secured and confident in yourself.....
www.womansdivorce.com
Another thing....you might consult social services for the county that you reside in...you can get the number off of the county government website.
If you get a legal separation...or become a single parent....you may be eligible for more assistance that you think....at least, for food and child care assistance...and, maybe more.
Every bit helps! Turn over every rock....
How old are your children?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Thank you. I was going to look for that link today. I've seen it but haven't clicked on it yet. They are 8 and 11 year old boys.
I wanted to add, as someone mentioned above, I do not mention his drinking anymore and haven't since last July. I also rarely check the bottles. I have grown a lot in the past 2 years and especially this past year. I was going to alanon, but since starting work it has been difficult for me to get there
I wanted to add, as someone mentioned above, I do not mention his drinking anymore and haven't since last July. I also rarely check the bottles. I have grown a lot in the past 2 years and especially this past year. I was going to alanon, but since starting work it has been difficult for me to get there
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
I did it and thank you
I did it tonight. It was time and I couldn't take living this way anymore. Thank you all for advice and for things I have read here to which I haven't replied.
The biggest help for me with this discussion was staying on my side of the street with some boundaries. There was no blame - lets lovingly let each other go and keep the kids as first priority. Omg the relief, sadness but relief from us both. I hope it stays that way.
The biggest help for me with this discussion was staying on my side of the street with some boundaries. There was no blame - lets lovingly let each other go and keep the kids as first priority. Omg the relief, sadness but relief from us both. I hope it stays that way.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Sending you peace and strength! We don't come to this decision lightly - but that burning in the pit of our stomachs to do it just gets louder and louder until we have to move. I hope you feel at ease, you deserve a great life!
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