FOO lunacy... oh so revealing.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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FOO lunacy... oh so revealing.
So, FOO stands of Family Of Origin. I just need to add an "L" to the end of it to make sense. Heh. I'm seeing more and more WHY I had ended up with someone who needed around the clock "care" for his "health" (his addiction, but he used to call his DOC his "medicine"). I'm used to this sort of abuse, I think. Totally used to being a non-entity in my FOO. You might call this codependence, but I've been trying to get away from certain people for years. Without cutting them out of my life entirely, I still have to tolerate them from time to time. Now, before you suggest that I do cut them out of my life, I actually do find them useful sometimes. I believe I would not have been able to leave my situation if I hadn't had contact with my FOO. I would have remained in a dangerous situation until it ended either me or my stbxAH. So my FOO saved me from a fate worse than them.
Basically, the thing that is bothering me is this: my sister and her spouse are... well, they are the perfect example of a narcissist and a codie. My sister is the narc, her spouse is the codie. Let's call her spouse Cody, then. Sis has to have one of the more common surgeries for a back pain issue. It's not severe back pain, so she's not on pain killers or anything, but it annoys her. So she's getting surgery. Cody is freaking out about this, completely melodramatic. Cody has taken two weeks off work to wait on Sis so that Sis doesn't have to walk, prepare food, do anything, really. Cody has also bought Sis a special "ergonomic" computer system so that Sis can work from home. Cody can not stop talking about Sis's surgery: "what if they make a mistake and she dies...?!?" etc... . If it's Valentine's day, Cody gives Sis diamonds... never mind that she's got boxes and boxes of diamonds already. If it's Sis's birthday and Sis makes a comment about how she likes sun roofs, then Cody makes a note of it and here comes the new car smell with the removable top. Etc... . Funny that they still can complain about money.
Some years ago, I had several surgeries for cancer-something something (sorry, can't be too specific). I asked if anyone could give me a lift to and from the hospital. None of my FOO could be bothered to do this, even though I was going to be unable to travel alone. They showed little to no concern for my health. I was in and out of hospitals for a year, but if I talk about it, they quickly change the subject. It's the same reaction if I talk about stbxAH -- they quickly change the subject. I know this should not bother me, but it really does. If I talk about my stbxAH, my mother frequently says, "He's probably found another woman to look after him. He needs someone to con, someone to look after him, ha, ha, ha, ha." I'm finding it hard to find funny. I'm 99% sure this is true, but even so, it bothers me. I just don't want to imagine him finding someone else. I don't want to imagine him ANYTHING actually. That's extra-corporeal contact, where he takes a seat inside my brain, unbuckles his pants, farts, and makes himself at home. I don't want that. I do need to talk about the past, because I was silent for so long; but I do not want to talk about his future because I can't make his future my present. Does that make sense?
Did I tell them my feelings about their actions? Yes, I've tried. When I do that, I end up on the other end of a rant about their feelings. Or someone suddenly bursts into tears and says, "I can't say anything!"
In the end it doesn't matter how dangerous he became, I didn't get married in order to get divorced. I didn't spend years and years of my life with someone, plan the future with them, throw money after said future, only to have it all come crashing down when he reacted the way he did to the words "addiction" and "rehab". It's not easy having to start from zero financially, physically, emotionally.
Does no one understand grief? This is terribly uncharitable, but sometimes I think, "these people are never going to understand until the same thing has happened to them." But you know, it won't. Some people coast through life.
I'm not sure what bothers me the most, the idea that my FOO are supposed to be the people I can trust, even if they are shallow... or the idea that no one ever gets learned. StbxAH will move on to the next woman, and then the next, and then the next. As long as he never looks back, he'll be fine until his totally expected death via mistreatment of his own body.
I would dearly like more normal people in my life. I would like to build close relationships to normal people. That could take years... and in the meantime... ? Yeah, I know work on me. This is like being told to bake a chocolate cake if you have never seen a baked chocolate cake before: here are all the ingredients, now bake a chocolate cake. Yeah, but how's it supposed to look?
Basically, the thing that is bothering me is this: my sister and her spouse are... well, they are the perfect example of a narcissist and a codie. My sister is the narc, her spouse is the codie. Let's call her spouse Cody, then. Sis has to have one of the more common surgeries for a back pain issue. It's not severe back pain, so she's not on pain killers or anything, but it annoys her. So she's getting surgery. Cody is freaking out about this, completely melodramatic. Cody has taken two weeks off work to wait on Sis so that Sis doesn't have to walk, prepare food, do anything, really. Cody has also bought Sis a special "ergonomic" computer system so that Sis can work from home. Cody can not stop talking about Sis's surgery: "what if they make a mistake and she dies...?!?" etc... . If it's Valentine's day, Cody gives Sis diamonds... never mind that she's got boxes and boxes of diamonds already. If it's Sis's birthday and Sis makes a comment about how she likes sun roofs, then Cody makes a note of it and here comes the new car smell with the removable top. Etc... . Funny that they still can complain about money.
Some years ago, I had several surgeries for cancer-something something (sorry, can't be too specific). I asked if anyone could give me a lift to and from the hospital. None of my FOO could be bothered to do this, even though I was going to be unable to travel alone. They showed little to no concern for my health. I was in and out of hospitals for a year, but if I talk about it, they quickly change the subject. It's the same reaction if I talk about stbxAH -- they quickly change the subject. I know this should not bother me, but it really does. If I talk about my stbxAH, my mother frequently says, "He's probably found another woman to look after him. He needs someone to con, someone to look after him, ha, ha, ha, ha." I'm finding it hard to find funny. I'm 99% sure this is true, but even so, it bothers me. I just don't want to imagine him finding someone else. I don't want to imagine him ANYTHING actually. That's extra-corporeal contact, where he takes a seat inside my brain, unbuckles his pants, farts, and makes himself at home. I don't want that. I do need to talk about the past, because I was silent for so long; but I do not want to talk about his future because I can't make his future my present. Does that make sense?
Did I tell them my feelings about their actions? Yes, I've tried. When I do that, I end up on the other end of a rant about their feelings. Or someone suddenly bursts into tears and says, "I can't say anything!"
In the end it doesn't matter how dangerous he became, I didn't get married in order to get divorced. I didn't spend years and years of my life with someone, plan the future with them, throw money after said future, only to have it all come crashing down when he reacted the way he did to the words "addiction" and "rehab". It's not easy having to start from zero financially, physically, emotionally.
Does no one understand grief? This is terribly uncharitable, but sometimes I think, "these people are never going to understand until the same thing has happened to them." But you know, it won't. Some people coast through life.
I'm not sure what bothers me the most, the idea that my FOO are supposed to be the people I can trust, even if they are shallow... or the idea that no one ever gets learned. StbxAH will move on to the next woman, and then the next, and then the next. As long as he never looks back, he'll be fine until his totally expected death via mistreatment of his own body.
I would dearly like more normal people in my life. I would like to build close relationships to normal people. That could take years... and in the meantime... ? Yeah, I know work on me. This is like being told to bake a chocolate cake if you have never seen a baked chocolate cake before: here are all the ingredients, now bake a chocolate cake. Yeah, but how's it supposed to look?
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I understand this 100% OK.
I am currently NC with my Codie sister because:
- she went digging into my personal business & then brought it to my BFF to discuss/gossip (who, for all she knew, had no idea of these matters)... & while she was there expressed her opinions about how I'm handling my FOO/mom issues all wrong too...... & she can't understand how I don't consider that supportive. Never mind - how about my poor friend of EIGHTEEN YEARS?! She basically went to her & asked her to betray her loyalties to me!
- when I told her I hadn't come to her because I didn't feel that she was a supportive person for me to share my most vulnerable issues with, she FLIPPED OUT and raged at me - the projection, blameshifting & externalization of her own issues made dealing with active addiction seem more palatable.
- I've been feeling a lot of judgment & a dismissive tone with her for a long, long time that I never understood until all this - turns out she had "helped" my husband out by loaning him money a while back without telling me, then judged me all this time since for not making life decisions as if I knew this information. What? This is where we left our convo - she still calls this "support" & is BLAZING ANGRY at me.
Had she bothered to talk to me abut it, she'd have learned that *I* didn't need to borrow any money & that I was letting him spin out on his own. All she did was jump in & Codie-Enable-Fix & now she is riding high in her Victim-Martyr righteousness - she's gone so far as to change her work/school schedule to avoid running into my BFF any longer because this whole thing just has "her so upset".
What??
PS - Loving the new anonym FOOL.....
I am currently NC with my Codie sister because:
- she went digging into my personal business & then brought it to my BFF to discuss/gossip (who, for all she knew, had no idea of these matters)... & while she was there expressed her opinions about how I'm handling my FOO/mom issues all wrong too...... & she can't understand how I don't consider that supportive. Never mind - how about my poor friend of EIGHTEEN YEARS?! She basically went to her & asked her to betray her loyalties to me!
- when I told her I hadn't come to her because I didn't feel that she was a supportive person for me to share my most vulnerable issues with, she FLIPPED OUT and raged at me - the projection, blameshifting & externalization of her own issues made dealing with active addiction seem more palatable.
- I've been feeling a lot of judgment & a dismissive tone with her for a long, long time that I never understood until all this - turns out she had "helped" my husband out by loaning him money a while back without telling me, then judged me all this time since for not making life decisions as if I knew this information. What? This is where we left our convo - she still calls this "support" & is BLAZING ANGRY at me.
Had she bothered to talk to me abut it, she'd have learned that *I* didn't need to borrow any money & that I was letting him spin out on his own. All she did was jump in & Codie-Enable-Fix & now she is riding high in her Victim-Martyr righteousness - she's gone so far as to change her work/school schedule to avoid running into my BFF any longer because this whole thing just has "her so upset".
What??
PS - Loving the new anonym FOOL.....
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Fsprite, I totally get the whole, "Oh you mean you didn't know I gave him money?!?!" issue. Dumbest thing is, they give and give and then figure out they are being played (sometimes before you figure it out), and then they have a secret family pow-wow where they decide that you're somehow "in" on the addict's "con-artist" activities, and then you're the enemy too. Umm... no, I never told you to give that guy anything. You gave him stuff, own it. Or am I the only one who has to "sleep in the bed" cause I made it cause I'm the wife? For crying out... loud. 
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And the thing is - she DOES know I was unaware of it fully!! He's been making payments back for a long time already & they were both in on the secret-keeping. (although, I am sure, the pymts are not exactly on any schedule or timeliness, knowing him) She threw this out at me like an arrow, meant to hurt.
But - alas - she's miserable in her own life & this has been a GREAT way for her to silently judge me as less-than in whatever way boosts her ego these days. She's SO sick.
But - alas - she's miserable in her own life & this has been a GREAT way for her to silently judge me as less-than in whatever way boosts her ego these days. She's SO sick.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Originally Posted by FireSprite 
And the thing is - she DOES know I was unaware of it fully!! He's been making payments back for a long time already & they were both in on the secret-keeping.
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This is like being told to bake a chocolate cake if you have never seen a baked chocolate cake before: here are all the ingredients, now bake a chocolate cake. Yeah, but how's it supposed to look
Ophelia this is really an important analogy.
When I first did therapy in my twenties, the therapist told me "it's not enough to know what you don't want, to know who you don't want to be like, you have to decide what you do want, and find the people you do want to be like, actively choose role models."
He said the person can know or not know that I am using them as a role model. I had a really great bf at the time whose Mom was just such a wonderful, open-minded, liberated, fun, and genuinely loving person. I started to observe her and imitate her. It was a beginning! I learned a lot!
It also helped me to stop being disappointed with my FOO, to just accept they were never going to be the FOO I wished I had or the FOO I needed but to just accept the reality and realize I am free to choose who I want to be.
It's dang hard though, no question. Therapy was absolutely vital for me to be able to understand how to do this stuff.
Peace,
B.
Ophelia this is really an important analogy.
When I first did therapy in my twenties, the therapist told me "it's not enough to know what you don't want, to know who you don't want to be like, you have to decide what you do want, and find the people you do want to be like, actively choose role models."
He said the person can know or not know that I am using them as a role model. I had a really great bf at the time whose Mom was just such a wonderful, open-minded, liberated, fun, and genuinely loving person. I started to observe her and imitate her. It was a beginning! I learned a lot!
It also helped me to stop being disappointed with my FOO, to just accept they were never going to be the FOO I wished I had or the FOO I needed but to just accept the reality and realize I am free to choose who I want to be.
It's dang hard though, no question. Therapy was absolutely vital for me to be able to understand how to do this stuff.
Peace,
B.
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Wow are you sure your Narc Sister and husband Cody aren’t MY relatives? What you have all in all is a very dysfunctional codependently entwined FOO. I had the same. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to make the “great escape” until after my last parent died and I went ZERO contact with my Narc/A sister. We had a very small family outside of immediate with limited and long distance contact. So now I really only have one blood relative I’ve got a close relationship with and that’s my brother. Ironically (and sadly) he lives 3000 miles away while my evil sister lives like 15 minutes away. I’m always worried I’d have to look at the likes of Evil and her Cody out in public some day. It’s been 5 years since going NC and it’s been freeing!!
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Ophelia,
I suggest you cut them out of your life completely! (just kidding).
Your posts always have some humor and you are obviously a strong person. Thankfully because wow you have been through so much!
Does no one understand grief? This is terribly uncharitable, but sometimes I think, "these people are never going to understand until the same thing has happened to them." The above wouldn't make any difference anyway, in order for it to they would have to apply empathy - they won't make that correlation.
I suggest you cut them out of your life completely! (just kidding).
Your posts always have some humor and you are obviously a strong person. Thankfully because wow you have been through so much!
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Does no one understand grief? This is terribly uncharitable, but sometimes I think, "these people are never going to understand until the same thing has happened to them."
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My FOO is B*tsh*t nuts.
After I refused to divulge my physical address to them, they got it anyway, then signed me up to some porn website, using that address.
I would LOVE for them to overplay their hand enough where I can get restraining orders against them for their harassment.
After I refused to divulge my physical address to them, they got it anyway, then signed me up to some porn website, using that address.
I would LOVE for them to overplay their hand enough where I can get restraining orders against them for their harassment.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Originally Posted by trailmix
The above wouldn't make any difference anyway, in order for it to they would have to apply empathy - they won't make that correlation.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche
My FOO is B*tsh*t nuts.
After I refused to divulge my physical address to them, they got it anyway, then signed me up to some porn website, using that address.
I would LOVE for them to overplay their hand enough where I can get restraining orders against them for their harassment.
After I refused to divulge my physical address to them, they got it anyway, then signed me up to some porn website, using that address.
I would LOVE for them to overplay their hand enough where I can get restraining orders against them for their harassment.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Wow are you sure your Narc Sister and husband Cody aren’t MY relatives? What you have all in all is a very dysfunctional codependently entwined FOO.
Someone once compared my stbxAH with Sis, saying they had similar personalities. Indeed, after a break-up, Sis has been known to hit the bottle.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I suggest you cut them out of your life completely! (just kidding).
1) Obscure information: Tell them nothing about yourself. Tell them nothing about your activities present and future. Only speak in generalities.
2) Obscure your emotions: Ignore 99% of what they are saying or doing and just act, if not exactly pleasant, benign.
3) Restrict your availability: Pretend to be so busy that you can't interact with them... even if you are there in the room with them.
Basically, the "gray rock" method. Too bad this method takes so much mental energy. I've been doing this so long I sometimes "vague out" when I'm doing something important.
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I had never heard of gray rock, just medium chill. This is a good article
about all three methods & why you need them.
How to Protect Yourself from Emotional Manipulators; Gray Rock, Medium Chill and Robot Mode - Kellevision
about all three methods & why you need them.
How to Protect Yourself from Emotional Manipulators; Gray Rock, Medium Chill and Robot Mode - Kellevision
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by mylifeismine
I had never heard of gray rock, just medium chill. This is a good article
about all three methods & why you need them.
How to Protect Yourself from Emotional Manipulators; Gray Rock, Medium Chill and Robot Mode - Kellevision
about all three methods & why you need them.
How to Protect Yourself from Emotional Manipulators; Gray Rock, Medium Chill and Robot Mode - Kellevision
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
This level of "care" is really overkill. I think she's got some sort of histrionic personality disorder or something. Or maybe this is just plain narc behavior. Indeed, after a break-up, Sis has been known to hit the bottle.
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Sis has to have one of the more common surgeries for a back pain issue. It's not severe back pain, so she's not on pain killers or anything, but it annoys her. So she's getting surgery. Cody is freaking out about this, completely melodramatic. Cody has taken two weeks off work to wait on Sis so that Sis doesn't have to walk, prepare food, do anything, really. Cody has also bought Sis a special "ergonomic" computer system so that Sis can work from home. Cody can not stop talking about Sis's surgery: "what if they make a mistake and she dies...?!?" etc... . If it's Valentine's day, Cody gives Sis diamonds... never mind that she's got boxes and boxes of diamonds already. If it's Sis's birthday and Sis makes a comment about how she likes sun roofs, then Cody makes a note of it and here comes the new car smell with the removable top. Etc... . Funny that they still can complain about money.
Some years ago, I had several surgeries for cancer-something something (sorry, can't be too specific). I asked if anyone could give me a lift to and from the hospital. None of my FOO could be bothered to do this, even though I was going to be unable to travel alone. They showed little to no concern for my health. I was in and out of hospitals for a year, but if I talk about it, they quickly change the subject. It's the same reaction if I talk about stbxAH -- they quickly change the subject. I know this should not bother me, but it really does
Does no one understand grief? This is terribly uncharitable, but sometimes I think, "these people are never going to understand until the same thing has happened to them." But you know, it won't. Some people coast through life.
Apparently... not only is Cody taking off two weeks after the surgery, but my mother is moving in with them to cook and clean so they can look after Sis. These people don't have children to look after and it's not like Sis will even be in a wheelchair because she'll be mobile. I don't understand why one mobile and conscious human being needs two people to look after them. This level of "care" is really overkill. I think she's got some sort of histrionic personality disorder or something. Or maybe this is just plain narc behavior.
This is just my spin on things. Your Sis and BIL just have a different lifestyle. They cant understand what you have been through because fortunately they have not been through anything in life that has perhaps brought them to their knees. I can understand this because I have for the most part coasted through life up until the time my husband relapsed and went nuts on drugs and alcohol. It was the most challenging experience Ive had where I was forced to look within for strength.
For a while I would hear about my friends talking about things that were challenging in their own life, or problems they were having and think oh geez, I could handle that blindfolded, walking backwards on a high wire after what Ive gone through. But it was still hard for them to deal with, and they found it scary maybe - and I respected that. I actually felt sad and a little sorry for myself because I wanted that type of life back. Things are much calmer for me now and my daily issues are just the normal stuff.. same as theirs. And its weird because Im finding it challenging and I know a couple years ago things like this would have been so teeny tiny in the scheme of what I had to sort out. Even through the stress I sort of smile to myself, perhaps Im making it back to ordinary!
This surgery that your sister has may really feel like a huge thing to their family. The doctor has probably gave her instructions far afterward and they are trying to accommodate is my guess.
The relationship between a husband and wife is something only the two of them can work out. Hes not necessarily a codie because he buys her diamonds, worries she could end up harmed during surgery, and things like this. Who knows what she does for him either emotionally, physically, financially. If either are not happy with their life then only they can identify it, and work on making it better.
Im sorry they weren't more compassionate to you as you went through your own challenges. I hope you have smoother sailing from here in out.
Some years ago, I had several surgeries for cancer-something something (sorry, can't be too specific). I asked if anyone could give me a lift to and from the hospital. None of my FOO could be bothered to do this, even though I was going to be unable to travel alone. They showed little to no concern for my health. I was in and out of hospitals for a year, but if I talk about it, they quickly change the subject. It's the same reaction if I talk about stbxAH -- they quickly change the subject. I know this should not bother me, but it really does
Does no one understand grief? This is terribly uncharitable, but sometimes I think, "these people are never going to understand until the same thing has happened to them." But you know, it won't. Some people coast through life.
Apparently... not only is Cody taking off two weeks after the surgery, but my mother is moving in with them to cook and clean so they can look after Sis. These people don't have children to look after and it's not like Sis will even be in a wheelchair because she'll be mobile. I don't understand why one mobile and conscious human being needs two people to look after them. This level of "care" is really overkill. I think she's got some sort of histrionic personality disorder or something. Or maybe this is just plain narc behavior.
This is just my spin on things. Your Sis and BIL just have a different lifestyle. They cant understand what you have been through because fortunately they have not been through anything in life that has perhaps brought them to their knees. I can understand this because I have for the most part coasted through life up until the time my husband relapsed and went nuts on drugs and alcohol. It was the most challenging experience Ive had where I was forced to look within for strength.
For a while I would hear about my friends talking about things that were challenging in their own life, or problems they were having and think oh geez, I could handle that blindfolded, walking backwards on a high wire after what Ive gone through. But it was still hard for them to deal with, and they found it scary maybe - and I respected that. I actually felt sad and a little sorry for myself because I wanted that type of life back. Things are much calmer for me now and my daily issues are just the normal stuff.. same as theirs. And its weird because Im finding it challenging and I know a couple years ago things like this would have been so teeny tiny in the scheme of what I had to sort out. Even through the stress I sort of smile to myself, perhaps Im making it back to ordinary!
This surgery that your sister has may really feel like a huge thing to their family. The doctor has probably gave her instructions far afterward and they are trying to accommodate is my guess.
The relationship between a husband and wife is something only the two of them can work out. Hes not necessarily a codie because he buys her diamonds, worries she could end up harmed during surgery, and things like this. Who knows what she does for him either emotionally, physically, financially. If either are not happy with their life then only they can identify it, and work on making it better.
Im sorry they weren't more compassionate to you as you went through your own challenges. I hope you have smoother sailing from here in out.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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They can't understand what you have been through because fortunately they have not been through anything in life that has perhaps brought them to their knees.
Nope, I don't talk to them about what I've been through. I'm also not interested in understanding WHY they treat people they way they do, I only care that they... treat people the way that they do. I've spent the past 10001 years accommodating people for their appalling behavior and horrible choices, and I've spent hours a day trying to understand things from their point of view. Not interested anymore. Trying to figure people out was a codie-ish strategy that I no longer employ.
The relationship between a husband and wife is something only the two of them can work out. I hope you have smoother sailing from here in out.
Not as long as they're still alive.
Nope, I don't talk to them about what I've been through. I'm also not interested in understanding WHY they treat people they way they do, I only care that they... treat people the way that they do. I've spent the past 10001 years accommodating people for their appalling behavior and horrible choices, and I've spent hours a day trying to understand things from their point of view. Not interested anymore. Trying to figure people out was a codie-ish strategy that I no longer employ.
The relationship between a husband and wife is something only the two of them can work out. I hope you have smoother sailing from here in out.
Not as long as they're still alive.
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Nope, I don't talk to them about what I've been through. I'm also not interested in understanding WHY they treat people they way they do, I only care that they... treat people the way that they do. I've spent the past 10001 years accommodating people for their appalling behavior and horrible choices, and I've spent hours a day trying to understand things from their point of view. Not interested anymore. Trying to figure people out was a codie-ish strategy that I no longer employ.
I enjoyed this. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to get myself to a place where I just “accept” my FOO’s selfish ways, feeling all kind of guilt because it angers me so. Where’s my peaceful acceptance of them in all their faded glory?
I’m coming to realize, though I haven’t fully embraced, that I can let go of the fury and frustration, but I am not required to excuse or explain away their past, current, and future ****** behavior.
Total lack of family support, check. Puzzlement on how to replace that support, check check. If you figure out how to bake that cake, I’m interested in the instructions.
I enjoyed this. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to get myself to a place where I just “accept” my FOO’s selfish ways, feeling all kind of guilt because it angers me so. Where’s my peaceful acceptance of them in all their faded glory?
I’m coming to realize, though I haven’t fully embraced, that I can let go of the fury and frustration, but I am not required to excuse or explain away their past, current, and future ****** behavior.
Total lack of family support, check. Puzzlement on how to replace that support, check check. If you figure out how to bake that cake, I’m interested in the instructions.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by boreas
I’ve spent a lifetime trying to get myself to a place where I just “accept” my FOO’s selfish ways, feeling all kind of guilt because it angers me so. Where’s my peaceful acceptance of them in all their faded glory?
I’m coming to realize, though I haven’t fully embraced, that I can let go of the fury and frustration, but I am not required to excuse or explain away their past, current, and future ****** behavior.
Total lack of family support, check. Puzzlement on how to replace that support, check check. If you figure out how to bake that cake, I’m interested in the instructions.
I’m coming to realize, though I haven’t fully embraced, that I can let go of the fury and frustration, but I am not required to excuse or explain away their past, current, and future ****** behavior.
Total lack of family support, check. Puzzlement on how to replace that support, check check. If you figure out how to bake that cake, I’m interested in the instructions.
1) Grey rock.
2) Medium chill.
3) Robot mode.
All three very useful. I have only heard of grey rock before. Good to know that there's a whole dictionary to manage FOOL. My unprofessional theory is that if you have FOOL, you unconsciously drift towards a significant other who is going to either be 1) comforting because they are familiar to you (although you can't place how or why), and for that reason they also have all the toxic traits you should avoid; 2) a narcissist who wants to take advantage of another person's weaknesses, so they look for someone who obviously has them, and they use those weaknesses to manipulate and control you... (basically their goal is to act like a child lying with their mouths open at the end of an ice cream sundae assembly line). Anyway, that's how I explain my stbxAH, who, if I had known from the start was an addict, would never have gotten involved.
I definitely struggle to let go of anger and frustration -- but it's a 50% win and 50% lose situation. On one hand, anger keeps me from being a perpetual doormat, but I'm an empath, so I get frustrated because I would rather be connecting with others than protecting myself from them. It's not just lifestyle differences. It's the total lack of empathy some people have for people who are not "them".
After 40+ years of thinking, "well maybe they did this or that because of this or that problem they have...". And maybe I need to hug them and say, "there, there, I know you didn't mean to email me those R-rated websites and you did that only because I ate all the ice cream in the fridge when you were 6 years old... let me go off and buy more ice cream for your ice cream-deprived, perverted inner child." [Just an example.]
Or: "I know you didn't mean to say that all drug addicts are immoral. Allow me to explain why it's not about morality and why I am no longer with stbxAH. Allow me to explain that even though he did things that may or may not land him in the ninth circle of hell, that doesn't mean that you now have the right to laugh at his predicament. Darling, let me explain to you how it might feel to be so depressed you might nullify your existence with drugs... BECAUSE I've spent so DARN LONG trying to UNDERSTAND EVERYONE around me, you included, that I ended up with an ex-husband that I 'had to understand' until I myself was nullified." Umm, no. Ninth circle of NO.
Sorry, angry.
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