FOO lunacy... oh so revealing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
I remember when my predominant feeling was anger
and something about self compassion helped me to
process it. I think your anger is justified, but not
necessarily a good thing to stay in too long for your
own well being. ((hugs))
http://self-compassion.org/the-three...-compassion-2/
and something about self compassion helped me to
process it. I think your anger is justified, but not
necessarily a good thing to stay in too long for your
own well being. ((hugs))
http://self-compassion.org/the-three...-compassion-2/
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
Grey rock. interesting. All along I’ve been doing “a thing” and didn’t even know it. I had to stop and re-read several sections of that link. Kind of the ol’ slap-upside-the-head. Apparently, all those times I suspected MOO of deliberately prattering on about the same old same old just to get a rise out of me, I was right. I didn’t THINK I was imagining that smirk when I would finally blow a gasket.
My unprofessional theory is that if you have FOOL, you unconsciously drift towards a significant other who is going to either be 1) comforting because they are familiar to you (although you can't place how or why), and for that reason they also have all the toxic traits you should avoid; 2) a narcissist who wants to take advantage of another person's weaknesses, so they look for someone who obviously has them, and they use those weaknesses to manipulate and control you... (basically their goal is to act like a child lying with their mouths open at the end of an ice cream sundae assembly line).
As I chug my way through my 4th decade, I have also felt what you describe above. My relationships have had some subtle or glaring inadequacy, almost as if even though I’ve moved away from FOO and cut contact with the family addict (sibling here) I seem to want to recreate misery, or to be more charitable, I have a higher tolerance for it.
I definitely struggle to let go of anger and frustration -- but it's a 50% win and 50% lose situation. On one hand, anger keeps me from being a perpetual doormat, but I'm an empath, so I get frustrated because I would rather be connecting with others than protecting myself from them. It's not just lifestyle differences. It's the total lack of empathy some people have for people who are not "them".
I really struggle with letting go of what I WANT those FOO relationships to be. So much anger comes from not only their irrational behavior and long-winded justifications, but from the fact that they refuse to change. Again, the description of them seeking “any reaction” really hit home. My mother in particular enjoys the conflict and the drama, and if she hurts me in the process, so be it. I guess now I just need to accept that to her my feelings are completely irrelevant.
Sorry, angry.
Ah, the apology. I thought of the irony as the next thing I must say is, “Sorry for my whining”. Anytime I get upset, blow my top over the same crap regurgitated over 30 years of sibling’s addiction, I feel like I have done wrong and owe ammends. But maybe being angry is ok?! Maybe!
-bora
My unprofessional theory is that if you have FOOL, you unconsciously drift towards a significant other who is going to either be 1) comforting because they are familiar to you (although you can't place how or why), and for that reason they also have all the toxic traits you should avoid; 2) a narcissist who wants to take advantage of another person's weaknesses, so they look for someone who obviously has them, and they use those weaknesses to manipulate and control you... (basically their goal is to act like a child lying with their mouths open at the end of an ice cream sundae assembly line).
As I chug my way through my 4th decade, I have also felt what you describe above. My relationships have had some subtle or glaring inadequacy, almost as if even though I’ve moved away from FOO and cut contact with the family addict (sibling here) I seem to want to recreate misery, or to be more charitable, I have a higher tolerance for it.
I definitely struggle to let go of anger and frustration -- but it's a 50% win and 50% lose situation. On one hand, anger keeps me from being a perpetual doormat, but I'm an empath, so I get frustrated because I would rather be connecting with others than protecting myself from them. It's not just lifestyle differences. It's the total lack of empathy some people have for people who are not "them".
I really struggle with letting go of what I WANT those FOO relationships to be. So much anger comes from not only their irrational behavior and long-winded justifications, but from the fact that they refuse to change. Again, the description of them seeking “any reaction” really hit home. My mother in particular enjoys the conflict and the drama, and if she hurts me in the process, so be it. I guess now I just need to accept that to her my feelings are completely irrelevant.
Sorry, angry.
Ah, the apology. I thought of the irony as the next thing I must say is, “Sorry for my whining”. Anytime I get upset, blow my top over the same crap regurgitated over 30 years of sibling’s addiction, I feel like I have done wrong and owe ammends. But maybe being angry is ok?! Maybe!
-bora
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by boreas 
Ah, the apology. I thought of the irony as the next thing I must say is, “Sorry for my whining”. Anytime I get upset, blow my top over the same crap regurgitated over 30 years of sibling’s addiction, I feel like I have done wrong and owe ammends. But maybe being angry is ok?! Maybe!-bora
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Ophelia, your mom sort of sounds like my sister. I mostly avoid talking to her about my situation now because she is so critical about what I "should" be doing "should have done" year ago, etc. I had a talk with her yesterday about something knowing she would have some insight that would be helpful. Along with that insight hung up the phone feeling like I'm a bad parent. She is very black and white and many times lacks compassion.
I find it easier now to pretty much avoid these discussions with her. Although she claims to understand she doesn't. I have a close friend with whom I can talk to. She's honest and caring and truly understands me in general and my situation.
I find it easier now to pretty much avoid these discussions with her. Although she claims to understand she doesn't. I have a close friend with whom I can talk to. She's honest and caring and truly understands me in general and my situation.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by Clover71
Ophelia, your mom sort of sounds like my sister.
I think it's interesting that as I go through my recovery from my relationship with stbxAH, I have had to change almost everything about my life. In a way, it's like the way an addict has to change everything when they enter recovery. There are parallels. I guess recovery from being around addiction or in addiction is similar.
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