prodigal

Here we go again just like we did about six month's ago: he's taking off work, spending the day on the living room couch, accusing me of hating him. "You HATE ME ... WHY DO YOU STAY????" The latest, and foremost complaint is I don't converse enough at the dinner table - he's used to the way his family chit-chatted at dinnertime. Okay. Two nights ago he was too drunk to talk coherently at the dinner table so I was absolved. I guess the rule is if he's too plastered to talk, I don't have to.

Last night he was drunk to the point that his attempt at dinner was a pot of slop, so I heated up a Lean Cuisine. I asked him why he thought boiling rice for three hours would yield anything edible. BIG MISTAKE. It didn't take much to get him going on the "you hate me" rant.

Tonight, he appeared fairly drunk - although not completely incoherent - so he sat staring distantly into space (or, actually, at the dining room table). I had been working all day long on a school project on the computer, hadn't eaten, and was gobbling up my food. God forbid - I WASN'T ENGAGING IN FASCINATING CONVERSATION! Obviously a fit or some sort of "drama" was brewing. I was talking - general chit-chat - which I thought was damn good considering he'd just been ranting at me the night before about how much I HATE HIM. I mean, it's like this guy expects everyone and his little world to perform to fit with his fantasy - almost like a four-year-old constructs their little imaginary world in which they're in charge. (Actually, that's a damn good analogy.)

So, as I'm going back downstairs to sit in front of the computer to get back to school work (after he abruptly got up from the dinner table and proceeded back to the "pout couch"), I thanked him for a tasty dinner. What do I get in reply? "M., you can hate me as much as you want to, but I won't hate you back."

I gotta tell you ... this is a MAJOR QUACK episode, but it still pisses me off. I am sick beyond tears of this jerk and his massive pity party. My response to him: "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way." Then I left.

I mean, I feel like I'm trying to survive by a hair in this lunatic asylum and either way he's going to come out victorious: I stay and he has someone to project onto, even if I detach; I leave and he can go back to locking himself up in the house and having some major depressive episode with the bottle, while telling anyone who will listen how MY HATE drove him to the state he's in.

Anyone have any suggestions as to how to survive through this? Can I possibly have him committed? Should I call his sister (she lives about 2,000 miles from here) and have a family confrontation? Should I hang in there until I see my therapist and beg for help? I have no living family and no friends in the area, so I can't walk out. Also, I don't have a job right now so it's not like I can afford to leave. I might never have the real answer as to why this is going on - after all, I can't read his mind - but has anyone dealt with this and, if so, what have you done?

Chelle29

Although i haven't exprienced what you are going thru right now, i know how you must be feeling. I don't think that your husband feels that you hate him, but rather that he hates himself. maybe deep down he knows what he is doing to you and feels guilty and intstead of dealing with his feelings of guilt he tries to make you the guilty party. It is a hard road to follow, i know.

My husband knows that he is an alcoholic for awhile there he quit almost six months after 7 years of marriage i almost left and in retrospect i should have. Now that we moved to where we are i am kind of stuck. Don't misunderstand he is not abusive, but still he can't be depended on because he is always drunk. your husband needs help and unfortunately there is not much that you can do. he needs to finally make the decision that enough is enough and joing the world of the living. What you need to decide is are you willing to stay or go. For me I don't know.

Cadence57

I agree with Chelle. It sounds like your A is projecting is negative thoughts about himself on to you.
You must feel so very trapped by your situation. Can you get a part time job? As far as how to deal with it is concerned - Al-Anon meetings. You'll meet new people, make new friends, have something to do one or two nights a week, and not be alone anymore.
Good luck

prodigal

... but I also think this is his misguided way of crying out, "I don't think you love me anymore. Why don't you love me enough to make me feel better?" That has a good deal to do with projection, but it also has a good deal to do with someone who is unable to allow himself to be vulnerable; thus, he become defensive and accusatory. Far easier to rant and rave to protect one's fortress than to admit to weakness and neediness.

I think that's what makes AA so fascinating: it's only when the A admits he or she is totally defenseless against their addiction and has lost all control of their lives that they can begin to recover. I guess that's where his beating me over the head with nasty accusations comes from: it keeps up the defense/control mechanism so he can continue boozing.

hope2bhappy

Prodigal, you seem to have a really good grasp on the reality of your situation and his addiction. You clearly realize that you can't fix him. So your real problem here is that you feel trapped. You have no family, no friends, no job, no money (according to a previous post, I believe). Try to find a solution for yourself.

Is there anyway you can switch up your school schedule to take night classes so that you can work during the day (thereby earning your financial independence)? Take fewer classes so that you can also work? Work part-time? Go to school during the day and work at night? Prodigal, you are doing SUCH a good job dealing with your A... try doing a good job for yourself. Find that one little crack in your prison walls that you can squeeze through to make your great escape. That "crack" is there somewhere.

If you are not around for your A to verbally beat up, he will be forced to internalize all of his anger. Who knows -- this could even lead him to seek recovery.

Personal Note: I cannot stress enough the importance of having financial independence. Everyone needs to have a plan and a means of escape, if necessary.

Cadence57

Not even a means of escape - but a CHOICE. If you are capable of supporting yourself then staying with someone, or leaving them, becomes a choice of free will. I was trapped in my first marriage. No job, I hadn't graduated HS (not well educated), three small children and a very controlling husband... NEVER AGAIN.
The first thing I did when we split, was to go to Adult HS and get my diploma, then to college part time, work etc. I can't begin to tell you how much that bit of independence helped my sense of self esteem and self respect.

brightlight

[QUOTE=Cadence57]Not even a means of escape - but a CHOICE. If you are capable of supporting yourself then staying with someone, or leaving them, becomes a choice of free will. I was trapped in my first marriage. No job, I hadn't graduated HS (not well educated), three small children and a very controlling husband... NEVER AGAIN.

WOW! I just thought of something. I did finish high school. I had a job and a business and I did not get involved with anybody till I was in my 30's, which is my husband and I think that is my problem. I was in control. I wanted to be in control. Why would I feel like this??? Only thing I can think of is that I was a tomboy. My dad always told me men were not to be trusted. Men were no good. I never really really thought about this, but one day my brother told me that our dad had made him feel stupid or told he he was. I could not believe it, but I wonder if all this talk about men being bad to me he was also telling my brother this about men. My dad made me very independent. I would never have a CONTROLLING HUSBAND! My husband says this to me somethings, but he says it wrong. He says that you would not like it if I took over and controlled this house. I said if you have a job and I did not, then why would you want to run the house too. If I cooked and cleaned and bought the groceries, then why would you want to tell me what time to clean and what to cook? That is what he would like to do. He would also like to keep me home and not go shopping, so when I do the shopping or do anything without telling him, he gets mad! So then he goes drinks and the only time he does not care what I cook or where I go is when he is drinking. Somewhere in this is the truth, but not sure because there is a lot of rambling here. My husband started drinking when I got my job!!!!!! It is at home on the computer, but I think he felt he lost control. For two years I was taking care of the house and kids while he worked, but we did not have enough money, so I took a course and passed. I remember when I told him I passed, his voice was not happy.

CatsTail

Prodigal,

It doesn't what he's doing or why.

You need to get yourself away from him. This is lots of mental cruelty you are living.
Do you have womens shelters around you?

Aren't you married to him? If you are, can you not file for divorce and sue for alimony?

Ngaire

minnie

"He says that you would not like it if I took over and controlled this house"


Brightlight, isn't he controlling the house now? Doesn't everything revolve around him NOW?