Wamama48

Before I say anything...yes I realize staying sober is his deal, I can't help him with that. I realize I shouldn't be future tripping. I realize he has to make his own mistakes. I realize I have no control over anyone but me. I have detached regarding taking any responsibility for his sobriety, but we have agreed to begin working on our marriage, and you can't do that ignoring important things.

He's only been sober three months. He makes all of his meetings seven days a week, including the one-on-one with his sponsor. As a side note, here's something showing how normal life can become with an A in the family....When he got home from the meeting with his sponsor and I hear the car in the driveway, my first thought was "geeze, I wonder how drunk he will be this time? " Old habits die hard don't they? Anyway, he's doing great, making big changes too. Things are starting to settle down, he's happier and Im happier. The boys are proud of their dad.

For the next four weekends RAH will be out of town, a few hours drive, to help his friend (his best friend of 40 years, and also his drinking buddy) with a deck hes building for someone. He will be paid, and he says he has to do this because we need the money. We do need the money,, but we can eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches if we had to, theres a food bank in town.....

Loud red sirens are going off in my head. This is a bad idea. He says he can handle it, he's confident. His buddy doesn't drink beer like RAH did, he drinks whiskey, which makes RAH sick. But he does drink....and RAH doesn't. He seems to be under the impression that it's not a big deal, and can't understand why I think it is because he "can handle it."

I'm not hyper focused on him anymore, Im doing things for me.......... I'm starting yoga, and I like it! Im looking for herbal classes to join in on, and I'm thinking about starting a little Etsy business for the herbal products I want to make. However, this association with his best friend/long time drinking buddy scares the crap out of me! I asked him if he had talked to his sponsor about it, and he said no but he would call him tomorrow if it made me feel better. Well no, it won't make me feel better, because he has already made up his mind.

I know everyone here really cares and wants to help or they wouldn't be here. But please don't tell me this is none of my business, that it's HIS recovery. That is true. It might be his recovery, and I stay out of all of that unless he chooses to share. But this is something we agreed on, that if I saw a red flag Id say something. So I did....I stated my opinion, told him that him starting drinking again was my biggest fear, that he knew what my boundary was if he started drinking again, and went to bed.

I've been cautiously optimistic so far, hoping for the best, but I have a plan if the worst should happen. The past 18 years I stayed while he drank really tore me to pieces like nothing in my life ever has. I wish I'd seen that then, I wish I knew then what I know now. I didn't, but I can move forward better equipped this time. Even though I've been cautious, I don't want my heart shattered like that ever again.

So basically I'm just rambling, trying to stay calm, trying not to future trip myself. I can't control what he does or doesn't do, but it doesnt mean Im not going to be scared of the consequences that will affect all of us.

dawnrising

Oh wamama I can feel your pain. My AH would cut back or quit for a few weeks but I knew anytime he would get with his three best buddies the cycle would start all over again. They had a boys trip yearly and he always came back looking like he had been hit by a bus. So frustrating. I guess I would hope for the best expect the worst. Be ready to follow through on your boundaries whatever they may be, who knows maybe you'll be celebrating instead.

hopeful4

Wamma, I can feel your anxiety, I am sorry you are going through this. Well, this is a test. It was bound to happen eventually that he is in a situation that he has to test himself. It's a pass or fail test, and only he can control it. You have done all you can if he has made up his mind. State your boundaries, and stick to them. In the mean time, keep doing the good stuff you are doing for you!

I went to a meeting recently, there was a lady there who has a daughter w/exzema (sp?), and a girl on her college cheer team made some homemade cream for her and it worked wonders. Said girl now has an Etsy shop and had $600k in sales last year making cream out of her bath tub. She is 19. Pretty amazing I thought!

Try to keep your anxiety down. I know that is hard to do, but honestly it does nothing except make you, and those around you, miserable.

Big hugs. Keep posting, you are not alone!

7yearwait

So sorry you have to go through this ,, i know exactly how you feel, my XAH would quit for a month or more at a time,,, and each time he quit I was high a kite with joy.. but i was also so nervous and worried each time I came home ( thinking what condition is he going to be in ?) The thought of him going back was too much to bear even though i knew there was nothing i could do about it if he chose to take that first sip...
i also remember him hanging out with his drinking buddies a month into sobriety and him telling me " i (he) can handle it" . it was a red flag and unfortunately he drank everytime he said that.

Fast forward to now (divorced 3 weeks ago),,,, the fact that I would spend the rest of my life wondering if he was going to take that first drink again was a price i wasn't willing to pay anymore

many blessings your way,,, I hope he stays on the straight and narrow and thank you for sharing

SmallButMighty

I know it's really hard not to future trip when you've watched them stumble their way down that same road a million times. It's probably the biggest hurdle that people who choose to stay in relationships with their qualifiers have to face. Future tripping was a huge hang up of mine when I was still married to my AXH. Even when he wasn't drinking I was always waiting for him to screw up, because in MY experience he always had.. and he always did...but my spending time driving myself crazy about it never affected the outcome. It only caused me so much fear and anxiety. I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I've been there, I get it, it really sucks. I am glad you are talking to us about those feelings, expressing them releases some of the stress.

Your husband seems to have a more solid sobriety plan than my AXH ever had. I hope he passes this test, and all the other tests he will face for the rest of his life. He is working the program, he has a sponsor, he has a chance to succeed.

Keep taking those deep breaths. Keep taking care of you.

Hugs

FireSprite

Wamama - this IS recovery. This IS putting your recovery to work - not just the reading & talking & sharing but the "holding onto your sanity" while life challenges you.

Recovery is just TALK until we meet challenges after all - no matter who we are or what we are actively recovering from. You HAVE to go through stuff like this on your way to your New Normal.

The first time I had to go on a business trip out of town for a long weekend during my recovery I thought I would crawl straight out of my own skin - my discomfort was so tangible, I swear I vibrated jut sitting still. You can't stop yourself from having your thoughts go all over the place like this but you CAN keep reining them back in. You CAN keep reminding yourself how to get back to your side of the street.

Well done - the agreement was made, you stated your concerns & let it drop.

Your thoughts WILL keep straying - your job is to bring them back, not expect them to just stop suddenly or beat yourself for having them. This is where I found breathing exercises & mantras SUPER helpful - I liked having a go-to phrase that worked in almost any situation without having to stop & think about it. Something as simple as "I love myself" or "I can only control me" or whatever you find comfortable & appropriate.

Even if HE stumbles in his recovery over this situation, it doesn't mean that YOU have to as well.

NYCDoglvr

Ugh, unfortunately this is all you can do. I'd hit a lot of Alanon meetings and share about this as a way of letting go of outcomes. My heart goes out to you, I've been in a similar state of panic over what may or may not happen in the future. A big hug!

trailmix

Well, I sure don't blame you for feeling panicky! It's a tough situation.

Here is the thing. You know you are making progress for yourself. You say:

The question I have is - is now a good time to be focused on working on your relationship with your Husband? Yes, it's important and ultimately you do need to work on it if you choose to do that but is now the time for that?

If it is, how does that look to you? You agreed if you saw a red flag you would point it out. You did see one and you pointed it out. I'm thinking you thought there would be more to it than that? That he would take your concern seriously, perhaps even avoid the deck building (or whatever the case may be)?

That would be more of a rule than a boundary unless he agrees with you that it's too much of a risk to his sobriety, which apparently he doesn't.

So basically it leaves you feeling just the way you always have.

What I've just said is not really helpful but I do actually have a point! Until you are strong enough within yourself to share yourself with him, maybe you shouldn't, focus less (or not at all) on the relationship right now?

Berrybean

Has he spoken to his sponsor about this, and explained to them that this means being out of town with ex-drinking buddy? If so then hopefully they'll have agreed some check in phone calls at least.

If he doesn't want to 'bother' his sponsor with it, then he's likely being dishonest with himself, even if he is being as honest as he can be with you. That AV is a sneaky watsit.

BB

Wamama48

Wow, she's only 19 with her own Etsy shop? Way to go!

QUOTE=hopeful4;6869810]Wamma, I can feel your anxiety, I am sorry you are going through this. Well, this is a test. It was bound to happen eventually that he is in a situation that he has to test himself. It's a pass or fail test, and only he can control it. You have done all you can if he has made up his mind. State your boundaries, and stick to them. In the mean time, keep doing the good stuff you are doing for you!

I went to a meeting recently, there was a lady there who has a daughter w/exzema (sp?), and a girl on her college cheer team made some homemade cream for her and it worked wonders. Said girl now has an Etsy shop and had $600k in sales last year making cream out of her bath tub. She is 19. Pretty amazing I thought!

Try to keep your anxiety down. I know that is hard to do, but honestly it does nothing except make you, and those around you, miserable.

Big hugs. Keep posting, you are not alone![/QUOTE]

Wamama48

What we are working on marriage wise is just very basic for right now. Communication. Neither of us knows how to communicate with the other. He was always too drunk to do it, and I was always too mad and resentful.

Wamama48

Glad to know I'm not the only one. It should be easier the longer he's sober, but he's so new, like a baby learning to walk. He understands where I'm coming from, I have no control over it, so Ill just hope for the best. He could have chosen an easier test, like just going for lunch with his dad at a bar. Oh well, not mine to choose. If it was I'd have chosen for none of this to happen in the first place. lol

Wamama48

I like what you said here, I didn't think of that......Even if HE stumbles in his recovery over this situation, it doesn't mean that YOU have to as well.

Trail mix mentioned the self talk thing. Funny how you don't even realize your doing it. My phrase is "you can't control it, but there are people that will help" I'm working on letting go of the control I *think* I have over things. We really have control over very little, control is just a very convincing illusion. QUOTE=FireSprite;6869903]Wamama - this IS recovery. This IS putting your recovery to work - not just the reading & talking & sharing but the "holding onto your sanity" while life challenges you.

Recovery is just TALK until we meet challenges after all - no matter who we are or what we are actively recovering from. You HAVE to go through stuff like this on your way to your New Normal.

The first time I had to go on a business trip out of town for a long weekend during my recovery I thought I would crawl straight out of my own skin - my discomfort was so tangible, I swear I vibrated jut sitting still. You can't stop yourself from having your thoughts go all over the place like this but you CAN keep reining them back in. You CAN keep reminding yourself how to get back to your side of the street.



Well done - the agreement was made, you stated your concerns & let it drop.

Your thoughts WILL keep straying - your job is to bring them back, not expect them to just stop suddenly or beat yourself for having them. This is where I found breathing exercises & mantras SUPER helpful - I liked having a go-to phrase that worked in almost any situation without having to stop & think about it. Something as simple as "I love myself" or "I can only control me" or whatever you find comfortable & appropriate.

Even if HE stumbles in his recovery over this situation, it doesn't mean that YOU have to as well.[/QUOTE]

Hawkeye13

I hope it goes well and I understand your fear.
My mother would quit and then put herself in drinking situations with friends
and I actually had an ulcer worrying about it by the time I was 13.

Child-fixer that I was. . .

The super-important take away I learned was to follow through on actions
I said I would take if she relapsed.

I kept forgiving and letting her back in and it nearly destroyed my life and hers.

aliciagr

For the next four weekends RAH will be out of town, a few hours drive, to help his friend (his best friend of 40 years, and also his drinking buddy) with a deck hes building for someone. He will be paid, and he says he has to do this because we need the money. We do need the money,, but we can eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches if we had to, theres a food bank in town.....

Loud red sirens are going off in my head. This is a bad idea. He says he can handle it, he's confident. His buddy doesn't drink beer like RAH did, he drinks whiskey, which makes RAH sick. But he does drink....and RAH doesn't. He seems to be under the impression that it's not a big deal, and can't understand why I think it is because he "can handle it."

I'm not hyper focused on him anymore, Im doing things for me.......... I'm starting yoga, and I like it! Im looking for herbal classes to join in on, and I'm thinking about starting a little Etsy business for the herbal products I want to make. However, this association with his best friend/long time drinking buddy scares the crap out of me! I asked him if he had talked to his sponsor about it, and he said no but he would call him tomorrow if it made me feel better. Well no, it won't make me feel better, because he has already made up his mind.

I know everyone here really cares and wants to help or they wouldn't be here. But please don't tell me this is none of my business, that it's HIS recovery. That is true. It might be his recovery, and I stay out of all of that unless he chooses to share. But this is something we agreed on, that if I saw a red flag Id say something. So I did....I stated my opinion, told him that him starting drinking again was my biggest fear, that he knew what my boundary was if he started drinking again, and went to bed.

I've been cautiously optimistic so far, hoping for the best, but I have a plan if the worst should happen. The past 18 years I stayed while he drank really tore me to pieces like nothing in my life ever has. I wish I'd seen that then, I wish I knew then what I know now. I didn't, but I can move forward better equipped this time. Even though I've been cautious, I don't want my heart shattered like that ever again.


I can understand why this would bring up a lot of fears. In our family, we use the same red flag system because the therapist recommended it. Really it makes sense - we live with our spouse, probably know them better than anyone else, and know more about whats going on in their day to day lives - like the past history with this friend and his own drinking issues.

And I think you keyed in on the important part, that he maybe wasn't thinking about the difficulty once he gets there and what types of situations could come up, how he will feel, how he will cope with it.

So I say good job on bringing up your concerns.

You know the next step that would happen between me and my husband would be - that once he thought through it all, he would just tell me his plan of how he will handle certain things. And really think about this - say your on a strict diet, and its holiday time - your going to a huge family gathering and you know the challenges you will face. You make a plan, make sure you have alternatives to choose from, and a way to deal with the emotions and possible cravings. Its something you might discuss with your spouse before you both head off to the party. No big deal.

What you wrote above - you have been through so much over a long period of time, and these last few months of his sobriety have allowed you both to begin healing and think about how good the future together may be. Who wouldn't be scared thinking that this trip could derail it.

But there are 3 issues here I think.
#1 how it affects him
#2 how it affects you
#3 how it affects your relationship

He will have to face challenges like this to grow and become stronger and more resolved in his decision to stay sober and live a healthier life. If he slips, then there are 2 questions - does he still want to be sober and he just wasn't prepared for this challenge - emotionally, mentally, didn't have the skills developed yet, or the supports he needs? OR is he really just wanting to go back to his drinking ways and give up, let himself fall back into it. There is a huge gap there !
My guess is - even if he did slip, he would regroup and get himself back together, with a touch of humility regarding the power addiction has on his mind/emotions.

This is the conclusion Ive come to with my own husband, and one of the things that calms me regarding the possibility of relapse. I TRUST that he wants to be healthy and doesn't want to go back to where he was when using drugs and alcohol. I can sincerely say I trust that !
So maybe ask yourself if this alone is something you can trust about your husband? Its not been too long so its ok if maybe your not sure. Being honest with ourselves is important I think.

I know with our family, if a relapse happens we BOTH have built up pillars of support. Family, friends, therapists, skills we have been developing for a while now.. I believe he can get back up if he should happen to fall. I hope I will remain standing through it all by focusing on self care and utilizing my support systems to ease anxiety, and keep joy in my life. And in terms of our relationship.. while a slip or relapse may cause me to put up walls out of fear. I will battle to work through it and use therapy, family therapy etc. to get there if possible.

I think you will both be ok. This is a challenge for you in terms of coping and dealing with the anxiety. It makes me a little bit angry on your behalf.. not because Im upset with your husband- but because you have been through so much and I wish the two of you could have the path filled with calmness and predictability for at least a few more months. What is that saying - to be able to get solid footing.

BTW - so happy you are doing yoga and adding all these great things to your life. My doctor recommended yoga also for stress reduction and the generalized anxiety Im still dealing with.

Wamama48

Thanks Aliciagr. I like what you said here...., This is a challenge for you in terms of coping and dealing with the anxiety. That's a positive spin on it, I now choose to look at it that way.

We had a long talk, he explained what he was thinking, why he thought that way, and he has looked up a meeting in the area and his friend can drop him off and pick up. Its an early evening meeting so his fruend should still be sober at that time.

Anyway, the long talk helped immensely. I haven't perfected the art if communication yet, so if I'm mad I just ignore him. Now, most of the time he will come to me and ask me what's wrong. He said he's scared to ask me most of the time because in the past I would usually ignore him or tell him to leave me alone. He can't live in a bubble and this is a big test. He's actually loving sober life he said. He went to breakfast with his new friends, he said he notices good things he never noticed before, he wants to do family things. He said he never wants to give that up and go back to drinking, but that it will be a fight. So I'm cautious still, but hopeful.

Ladysadie

Give him a chance. You'll have some idea insofar as what kind of money he makes to pay the bills with. From there, if it's totally unreasonable then you have a clue for followup questions. (Be aware of per diem pays as well, meaning that the employer could pay for or cover motel and meal expenses. Should show up on his pay stubs, if he gets them). If under the table pay then you'll have some better idea if a trip out of town is worth the time. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

Wamama48

Its really scary to give him a chance after 18 years of chances. But I will, and stay calm too. 😍

trailmix

Good i'm glad you are feeling calmer.

Do you find that comes from a place of having zero expectation, of detaching a bit or from trust in him? Or is it just knowing you can handle it even if he does relapse?

Wamama48

I think knowing what's going on in his mind and what his back up plan is if he feels a strong urge to drink, I trust him more. Definitely not 100%. Or even 90%. But I also feel confident in my ability to keep it together if he does end up taking that drink. 😁