Optimism?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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Originally Posted by FireSprite 
If we wait around for the perfect words, perfect time, perfect setup we'll never have these conversations. It's not something we should strive to do perfectly anyway - we show pour children a LOT when we can show them our humility & the limits of our control/knowledge/whatever. That, more than anything, shows them that it's ok for THEM to fall down sometimes in life in the way they handle things too.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
This is me - trying to do it perfectly...
We're allowed to be HUMAN - isn't that what you want for your kids? For them to accept themselves as imperfect, to be able to manage setbacks with grace, to be able to form honest & lasting, quality relationships in the future? How are they going to get there from here? How is that being modeled for them, right now, with every passing day... when it's most important in their foundational development?
So many times I see parents expecting that their kids turn a certain teen-age & just magically "get it" without benefit of those hard conversations or explanations....... & I cringe every single time I hear, "you know better than that!"
Do they really?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
It's also challenging to find the right words for being honest, calm and non-stressed about the situation, knowing Kid takes emotional cues from me
Sasha1972 - those are your opening words right there.
I don;t know where I learned this, in one of many therapy sessions must be, but when I had a "dreaded" or difficult conversation with my boys about anything I would start by saying, "It's hard for me to talk about this...." or "I'm going to try and find the right words to say here..." or "Ugh, I am so nervous about talking to you about this, but I am the Mom and it's part of my job..."
It immediately gets their full attention. It always led to really good discussions. I think for children to see us making an effort at something, not trying to be perfect, acknowledging ambiguity or admitting we don't have all the answers is really really impactful. It was useful too as they got older and teenage strife would happen and I might fly off the handle or overreact to something (if I could get my giant foot out of my mouth) and say something like, "I see where my reaction might have been too strong there, help me to just talk this out, because it is important, and I don't want it to just be an argument between you and me."
Acknowledging imperfection, saying with words, "I am so stressed out about this but it needs to be discussed," and modeling language to work through heavy duty emotions helps me to think more clearly and hopefully helped my boys to have some strategies for their own relationships and struggles in life. It also lessened (didn't eliminate though LOL!!!) my percentage of cringe-worthy-wow-I-blew-that-mothering-moments!!
Peace,
B.
Sasha1972 - those are your opening words right there.
I don;t know where I learned this, in one of many therapy sessions must be, but when I had a "dreaded" or difficult conversation with my boys about anything I would start by saying, "It's hard for me to talk about this...." or "I'm going to try and find the right words to say here..." or "Ugh, I am so nervous about talking to you about this, but I am the Mom and it's part of my job..."
It immediately gets their full attention. It always led to really good discussions. I think for children to see us making an effort at something, not trying to be perfect, acknowledging ambiguity or admitting we don't have all the answers is really really impactful. It was useful too as they got older and teenage strife would happen and I might fly off the handle or overreact to something (if I could get my giant foot out of my mouth) and say something like, "I see where my reaction might have been too strong there, help me to just talk this out, because it is important, and I don't want it to just be an argument between you and me."
Acknowledging imperfection, saying with words, "I am so stressed out about this but it needs to be discussed," and modeling language to work through heavy duty emotions helps me to think more clearly and hopefully helped my boys to have some strategies for their own relationships and struggles in life. It also lessened (didn't eliminate though LOL!!!) my percentage of cringe-worthy-wow-I-blew-that-mothering-moments!!
Peace,
B.
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