OT - Does he really even care?

Old 04-24-2018, 07:56 PM
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Thought provoking responses here..... thanks for the post HH.

I really identified with Gabor Mate beliefs about humans needing 2
things - one loving attachment and 2 - authenticity. As a child, we
learn that if mom & dad can't handle our real selves we will give up
our authentic selves because we cannot survive without the attachment
to our parents. We usually carry this dysfunction into our adult
relationships, never being our true authentic self, never being true to
ourselves. Our first nature becomes being something someone
else needs us to be.

No surprise then that we have difficulty knowing what real love
is, what we really want, and how to get it.

In the end, we all have limits- love can be damaged beyond repair,
we can reach the end of our ability to give of ourselves in
certain relationships. I think we should honor this in ourselves,
recognize it, accept it, and be compassionate to ourselves
in seeking a chance for wholeness, peace & honesty.

And hearing this today, truth for me, the greatest blessing is
having someone to love. Someone who values your love and
reciprocates in a way that you experience being loved.
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Old 04-24-2018, 08:37 PM
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I remember thinking and saying to my now Exah.....oh at least a 1,000 times (often times - for a positive reaction, which never came).

"I would rather be alone then lonely in this marriage. " Well, after 2 years of therapy, I finally faced my fears and left him. I didn't want to, I thought I really loved him, I was financially dependent on him, I hadn't worked in years, I didn't want to be divorced, I wanted him to change so much that it hurt. It wasn't easy. It was hard and very painful at times but I knew I had a chance at happiness that I would never have if I stayed with him. I can only say this.....I am so happy I that I did it. I am so happy that I learned to love myself enough and didn't look for his love or approval any more. I am alone but I am NOT lonely!!
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Old 04-24-2018, 09:23 PM
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HH,
The butter dish interaction- your response reminded me of me when
I believed I was responsible to do everything perfectly & everything
I did had to be perfect. So I would own all kinds of c__p I didn't need
to. I would actually feel "less than" if my H made a critical comment
about anything I believed, said, touched, cleaned,cared about, etc.

Then one day I stopped. I understood what I was doing to myself.
The comment about the butter on the dish - I would casually say
oh thats so annoying - and then go back to what I was doing & let
H do want he wanted about it. For many criticisms a "thats interesting"
would be all I would say - and go about my business.

I did have a discussion with H about nit picky criticisms were no
longer acceptable, no ones perfect, and I genuinely was doing
the best I could 95% of the time and life's too short for that
anymore. Old habits die hard, but things did change. Most of
all, how I treat myself. Alanon helped me stay on my side of
the street and detach which was invaluable to this process.

The other big thing was we agreed that every time we needed
to ask the other to change something we would start by stating
a positive first. This works well in communicating with anyone.
Of course that doesnt work with asking someone to
get into recovery and stay sober.......
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Old 04-24-2018, 10:14 PM
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HeartHealth......I note, with irony, that, when you first came to the forum, you were struggling with the decision to reduce your work ours from full time...in order to please your husband....
And, now, you are struggling to go back to working full time....
You seem to have a very supportive boss...so, it seems likely that he would increase your hours........
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Old 04-25-2018, 02:56 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
My first husband would put powder on the trim over the doors...so that he could tell if I had done a thorough job of dusting/cleaning on my days off from the hospital...
Dandy!!!!!

How could you bear to leave him?
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Old 04-25-2018, 03:34 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
I was first in my HUGE family to be divorced. The only one, ever. I also come from a generation that you don't divorce... Guess what, two other women in my extended family divorced after me... We are all collectively much happier people.
Much the same here. My Dad was divorced when he met Mom. but most of the aunts and uncles and cousins stayed married to their first spouse. One uncle was divorced. Even though he was the black sheep of the family, some considered the divorce his wife's doing, since uncle gave up a job and lifestyle he liked a lot for her and she still left him. Of the bunch of us in our 60s and 70s on both side of the family, 3 cousins have divorced.

Interestingly, when my sister and I joked about Cher divorcing after six days whichever Allman brother she'd married, he'd said, "There's nothing wrong in admitting you've made a mistake."
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Old 04-25-2018, 04:55 AM
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The butter dish argument is the last straw. I have a new boss since I first joined SR. He's all about the budget. I'm still waiting. I'll approach him next week if I don't hear anything.
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Old 04-25-2018, 05:18 AM
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HeartHealth....here is hoping that your boss will be able to up your hours, at least some....

I hope you will forgive me...as I have a twisted sense of humor...but, I can't resist this: You have heard of a "Tempest in a tea cup"?......well.....this might be your "Tempest in a butter dish".......lol...
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Old 04-25-2018, 05:44 AM
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It's ironic, your fighting this battle of alcoholism and it comes down to butter.
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Old 04-25-2018, 05:57 AM
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hearthealth.....Yep, it seems inevitable that there will be that one straw that breaks the camel's back.....
That one straw wouldn't be a big deal without the weight of the one million straws behind it.....

For me, it came down to one event, also....one event...and then, in one second (it seemed)....I knew, in my bones, that....."I can't do this any longer---no matter what"........in that "one second", I did a 180.....and, it felt like my whole life shifted, and I could almost hear the prison doors opening.......
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Old 04-25-2018, 06:35 AM
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I can so relate. Butterdish! Geez! I call it "reaching my point of Done".
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Old 04-25-2018, 06:47 AM
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I have always said it. At some point, that switch in your head flips, and there is no going back.

Big hugs HH.
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Old 04-25-2018, 07:15 AM
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I went grocery shopping and the cashier was talkative. Without me adding to the discussion she stated,"I was always alone when I was married. That's how I knew it wasn't a good one" The universe.
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Old 04-25-2018, 07:17 AM
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The butter dish incident reminded me of these threads...

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...coholic-2.html (What was your final straw with your ex/alcoholic?)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ff-ride-3.html (When did you know you had to get off the ride?)
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Old 04-25-2018, 09:04 AM
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It's ironic, your fighting this battle of alcoholism and it comes down to butter.
Yep - of all the fights over drinking and drunken behavior....our last fight was about me not being able to take his dog to work for a few hours that day.

And so be it, the ONLY thing that matters is that it was our last fight!
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Old 04-25-2018, 11:23 AM
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When you feel that moment of done, things change inside you. It's like the day is brighter and you can now start planning and preparing for your life.
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Old 04-25-2018, 11:44 AM
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I'm just exhausted. I've fought the good battle. It wasn't to be. I don't even want to argue anymore. I want to hear from my boss. Tuck away important papers and prepare myself and the children. If he makes trouble seek DV.
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