Do you recommend Al-Anon for an estranged spouse?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Of course this forum is not "only for codependents". 
The friends and family side is for anyone and everyone whose life has been affected by someone else's drinking/drugging.
We have many people who participate in this forum who are double and triple winners (recovering alcoholics, ACoA, and family member).
I still occasionally encourage my stepson to seek treatment for his addiction when I can, but I can't make him go.
I think it is fine that you have encouraged your husband to attend Al-Anon, but you can't make him go.
We recommend newcomers to the F&F side to learn more about addiction all the time. Learning more about alcoholism and addiction helped the late Mr. Seren and I understand his son a bit better and taught us where best to place our energies. But no one could have made us learn more unless we wanted to do so.
It all boils down to control...and we can only control ourselves.
The friends and family side is for anyone and everyone whose life has been affected by someone else's drinking/drugging.We have many people who participate in this forum who are double and triple winners (recovering alcoholics, ACoA, and family member).
I still occasionally encourage my stepson to seek treatment for his addiction when I can, but I can't make him go.
I think it is fine that you have encouraged your husband to attend Al-Anon, but you can't make him go.
We recommend newcomers to the F&F side to learn more about addiction all the time. Learning more about alcoholism and addiction helped the late Mr. Seren and I understand his son a bit better and taught us where best to place our energies. But no one could have made us learn more unless we wanted to do so.
It all boils down to control...and we can only control ourselves.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Originally Posted by Babescake 
The only "issue" he sees is that I'm an alcoholic. I'm responsible for every single thing wrong in our marriage so going to therapy is fruitless. He is wrong of course, there are other issues, such as SOLELY blaming me for our marriage's demise.
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The only reason I'm a widow instead of divorced is because my husband was diagnosed with a fatal illness before I told him of my decision.
The only reason I was divorcing him was because his drinking was making my life miserable.
My attendance at Al-anon changed neither of those things. I understand alcoholism, plenty. I also understood when Late husband tried to gaslight me...Looking at me seriously and talking about MY drug problem... because I took tylenol and ibuprofen for my carpal tunnel syndrome.
The only reason I was divorcing him was because his drinking was making my life miserable.
My attendance at Al-anon changed neither of those things. I understand alcoholism, plenty. I also understood when Late husband tried to gaslight me...Looking at me seriously and talking about MY drug problem... because I took tylenol and ibuprofen for my carpal tunnel syndrome.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Originally Posted by aliciagr
Unfortunately it seems like when there is an addiction issue, the sober partner often shifts all the blame for marital issues on the other spouse.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
the alkie/addict does a pretty dam good job of shifting all blame onto the other spouse,too.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
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Babescake,
For many people, the abuse of alcohol and/or drugs is enough to be a deal breaker in a relationship. Some people write "must be non-smoker" in their Tinder profiles. I don't know... I don't have a Tinder profile, I assume that you can write those things in a Tinder profile... assuming Tinder has "profiles" and isn't just glamor head-shots. If you wrote that in your Tinder profile, and you went on a few dates with someone, and then got into a long-term relationship with them, and then discovered that they were smoking in secret for years... well, that's a deal breaker. If you got into a relationship with someone and you were both clean, and one of you developed a behavioral addiction... like for example, Fight Club. One of you gets addicted to Fight Club, I would say, that's a deal breaker unless the other person also likes getting black eyes and making soap from a$$ fat.
The stakes are even higher if it's a marriage with a child, who needs positive role-modeling. Addiction is dangerous for everyone. The financial and emotional strain of living with an active addict are enough to cause resentment over time. I can tell you that in my relationship with my ex, me not saying "I love you" enough is NOT the same as him stealing from me, lying to me, cheating on me, self-harming when I tried to have personal boundaries around his drug-use (boundaries for me, not him... like saying I wasn't going to give him anymore money), and making me his carer when he was making himself sick on purpose by refusing treatment at a rehab. So... in some cases (I would venture to say in many cases)... there is no, "but what was your part in this?" [I know this is a controversial stance, but that's my stance right now] question that explains the death of a marriage by addiction. The marriage ended because of addiction. Full stop. It doesn't matter HOW one acts badly because of the addiction. It doesn't matter if your partner became a raging codependent and tried to control when you ate, slept, p00ped, or had the car keys (by the way, if he did, that's really abusive). It doesn't matter if you were a nice drunk or a mean drunk. The problems in the marriage are because of addiction. Your partner acts that way because there is addiction in the marriage. There is no "your fault/my fault". It happens because the whole marriage is faulty.
Okay, that's my take on it.
Alanon is great for your partner, but it won't help him understand your reasons for drinking/drugging. It will encourage him to step away from thinking about your drinking/drugging. It will encourage him to look after himself and your child... and it will encourage him to allow you to be responsible for the consequences of your addiction. It seems to be that he's already doing this by getting a divorce.
I support your choice to try to be sober. That is the best thing you could do for your child. That you are losing your marriage is terrible. That you may lose custody of your child is terrible too -- our society attaches so much value to motherhood, that this will hurt terribly. But you have not heard the end of this because you are a mother. Your child is going to get to the age where he will make up his own mind. Believe it or not, he may even resent your husband for the loss of his mother. He needs a stable parent right now. For now, at least let the child have a decent relationship with the parent that is sober. Things are going to seem really bleak for a while but you have everything to gain by your sobriety.
Things will get better, Babescake.
For many people, the abuse of alcohol and/or drugs is enough to be a deal breaker in a relationship. Some people write "must be non-smoker" in their Tinder profiles. I don't know... I don't have a Tinder profile, I assume that you can write those things in a Tinder profile... assuming Tinder has "profiles" and isn't just glamor head-shots. If you wrote that in your Tinder profile, and you went on a few dates with someone, and then got into a long-term relationship with them, and then discovered that they were smoking in secret for years... well, that's a deal breaker. If you got into a relationship with someone and you were both clean, and one of you developed a behavioral addiction... like for example, Fight Club. One of you gets addicted to Fight Club, I would say, that's a deal breaker unless the other person also likes getting black eyes and making soap from a$$ fat.
The stakes are even higher if it's a marriage with a child, who needs positive role-modeling. Addiction is dangerous for everyone. The financial and emotional strain of living with an active addict are enough to cause resentment over time. I can tell you that in my relationship with my ex, me not saying "I love you" enough is NOT the same as him stealing from me, lying to me, cheating on me, self-harming when I tried to have personal boundaries around his drug-use (boundaries for me, not him... like saying I wasn't going to give him anymore money), and making me his carer when he was making himself sick on purpose by refusing treatment at a rehab. So... in some cases (I would venture to say in many cases)... there is no, "but what was your part in this?" [I know this is a controversial stance, but that's my stance right now] question that explains the death of a marriage by addiction. The marriage ended because of addiction. Full stop. It doesn't matter HOW one acts badly because of the addiction. It doesn't matter if your partner became a raging codependent and tried to control when you ate, slept, p00ped, or had the car keys (by the way, if he did, that's really abusive). It doesn't matter if you were a nice drunk or a mean drunk. The problems in the marriage are because of addiction. Your partner acts that way because there is addiction in the marriage. There is no "your fault/my fault". It happens because the whole marriage is faulty.
Okay, that's my take on it.
Alanon is great for your partner, but it won't help him understand your reasons for drinking/drugging. It will encourage him to step away from thinking about your drinking/drugging. It will encourage him to look after himself and your child... and it will encourage him to allow you to be responsible for the consequences of your addiction. It seems to be that he's already doing this by getting a divorce.
I support your choice to try to be sober. That is the best thing you could do for your child. That you are losing your marriage is terrible. That you may lose custody of your child is terrible too -- our society attaches so much value to motherhood, that this will hurt terribly. But you have not heard the end of this because you are a mother. Your child is going to get to the age where he will make up his own mind. Believe it or not, he may even resent your husband for the loss of his mother. He needs a stable parent right now. For now, at least let the child have a decent relationship with the parent that is sober. Things are going to seem really bleak for a while but you have everything to gain by your sobriety.
Things will get better, Babescake.
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If you are trying to get him to go to keep your marriage together, I would say that won't work. If you mean would it be a good support for him? Sure, if he is willing to accept that. It has to be his choice.
I attended Celebrate Recovery for a very long time, it's quite similar. My XAH did as well. It did help me create some empathy for those with addiction, and certainly helped me understand it more. Now, it did not change my position of believing it's a choice, but that's simply my position. It also provided me face to face support from people who could understand what I was going through, and gave me a change to help others as well.
I attended Celebrate Recovery for a very long time, it's quite similar. My XAH did as well. It did help me create some empathy for those with addiction, and certainly helped me understand it more. Now, it did not change my position of believing it's a choice, but that's simply my position. It also provided me face to face support from people who could understand what I was going through, and gave me a change to help others as well.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Originally Posted by Babescake
Curious, and off topic. This is an open forum. Is it only for codependents? I use it for an outlook on family life. Has it evolved for that?
Originally Posted by tomsteve
the alkie/addict does a pretty dam good job of shifting all blame onto the other spouse,too.
the alkie/addict does a pretty dam good job of shifting all blame onto the other spouse,too.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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More than likely he'll have primary custody and I want him to know how to appropriately talk to him about my addiction instead of just being like, "Mommy loves alcohol more than you."
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Babescake, sorry about your marriage.
The best thing you can do for your family is stay sober and keep your side of the street clean. Set a good example for your child.
Your husbands resentments are beyond your control. He needs to deal with them himself, or not. We alkies need to do our own inventories. That in itself is a monumental task, we have no business doing other people’s. Even when it’s our family, unfortunately.
There were a million times I wish my wife had understood addiction. She still doesn’t. I am actually glad for that now, because my addiction is MY issue to deal with.
If you stay in recovery and stay sober, your ex will have nothing to talk about. Don’t focus on what he says, does and feels. You can’t do jack about that. And the more you try, the more you’ll just aggravate the situation. Focus on giving yourself the gift of sobriety, that’s the thing you can control.
To answer your other question, this forum is for anyone to read, in my estimation. I used to read in early recovery to give me a sense of what folks on the “other side” of addiction feel and go through. Over time, my double winner side ((ACoA) started to become clearer to me, and I started to feel compelled to post. I get the impression it’s ok for alkies to post here. But we have our own side of the site, so it’s important to be respectful of what folks currently dealing with addicts think and need from this forum.
The best thing you can do for your family is stay sober and keep your side of the street clean. Set a good example for your child.
Your husbands resentments are beyond your control. He needs to deal with them himself, or not. We alkies need to do our own inventories. That in itself is a monumental task, we have no business doing other people’s. Even when it’s our family, unfortunately.
There were a million times I wish my wife had understood addiction. She still doesn’t. I am actually glad for that now, because my addiction is MY issue to deal with.
If you stay in recovery and stay sober, your ex will have nothing to talk about. Don’t focus on what he says, does and feels. You can’t do jack about that. And the more you try, the more you’ll just aggravate the situation. Focus on giving yourself the gift of sobriety, that’s the thing you can control.
To answer your other question, this forum is for anyone to read, in my estimation. I used to read in early recovery to give me a sense of what folks on the “other side” of addiction feel and go through. Over time, my double winner side ((ACoA) started to become clearer to me, and I started to feel compelled to post. I get the impression it’s ok for alkies to post here. But we have our own side of the site, so it’s important to be respectful of what folks currently dealing with addicts think and need from this forum.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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If you suggested alanon and he is not willing there is nothing more you can do. He must find his path to fix his own unhealthy coping mechanism if he ever does. How old is your child? Maybe it could be encouraged to give alateen a try. In my state divorcing parents must take a parenting class.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Babescake, I just saw this sticky and thought you might want it if you haven't already read it. It might help you communicate with your child about the issue: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-alcohol.html (Age Appropriate Conversations about Drugs and Alcohol)
If it isn't helpful, just ignore it.
If it isn't helpful, just ignore it.
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