New and unsure if I’m wasting your time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 7
New and unsure if I’m wasting your time
Hello
I’m looking for some advice and would really appreciate your thoughts. I think my husband has a drink problem. He is convinced he does not. I fluctuate between feeling very certain and then really unsure...
.
We have been together for 16 years and have 3 children. He is a great husband and a loving father. He has always been a heavy drinker and when we met it was quite normal for him to go on all day binge drinking sessions every weekend with friends- in one of those sessions he could drink 18 + pints of strong beer.
His Father was an alcoholic who drank every day and pretty much lived in the pub. A lot of his friends in the UK where we used to live, also drink heavily. My husband denies that anyone in his family/circle of friends has alcohol issues - he says they ‘just like a drink’.
In his teens and twenties my husband drank heavily 3-4 times a week.
We met when he was in his early 30’s and I did notice that he was in a culture of heavy drinkers - i naively thought he would grow out of it. He’s an affable drunk - never gets into fights and never becomes mean.
His binge drinking caused problems for me from the start. I recognised that he was drinking heavily and we argued a lot about our differing opinions on this. It got worse when we had to have IVF to conceive and we discovered after a very big weekend of drinking, that his sperm count was very low. He maintained that alcohol doesn’t affect fertility and for someone who is very intelligent, has cited the fact that his Dad had no problems conceiving. During our IVF attempts he continued to drink heavily and on one particular cycle, went on a 3 day binge drinking Stag Party for his brothers wedding. We eventually conceived but not for another 6 months.
When I was 38 weeks pregnant with our second child he went on an all day binge drinking session and didn’t come home. I eventually located him in the local hospital. He had fallen whilst intoxicated and seriously damaged his face. He had no recollection of how he’d sustained his injury and had to phone the ambulance service to find out. He had 3 days off work and was very sorry and subdued.
We went to see a counsellor and she expressed her concerns about his drinking- suggested that he should never again drink more than 3 or 4 drinks in one sitting. He agreed.
He abstained from drinking altogether for 6 months and then started again with the restrictions she had suggested.
All was ok for a while but his drinking gradually crept up again.
He had a few ‘big nights’ when he got really drunk and the arguments started again.
He had a small heart attack aged 43- nobody asked him about his alcohol intake and he maintains it is completely unrelated. I asked him to stop drinking altogether and he declined.
We are now in a situation where he drinks every weekend - usually 6-8 beers on a Friday - usually on his own as I hate drinking with him. On a Saturday evening we often socialise with friends and he will have 8 plus beers plus a couple on sunday night and occasionally a night out in the week.
If i suggests he drives, and I have a drink, he becomes quite hostile and wants us to get a taxi so we can both drink.
He also has a planned ‘Big Night’ with his friends every few months when he gets absolutely intoxicated. He had a ‘Big Night’ last weekend which was unplanned -we went out together and I drove home at 10.30 pm to relieve the babysitter. He said he would be home around 12.30am. He came home in a taxi at 3 am very drunk and unable to tell me where he’d been and who he’d been with. He knew It was his turn to get up at 6 am to look after the kids - which he did.
He never has a hangover- just tired and dehydrated.
Last Saturday’s night out really made me face the fact that his drinking is unacceptable for me. I told him that in order to remain married and living at home he needs to stop drinking altogether. He says there is no way he is stopping alcohol completely as he ‘likes it’. He feels I’m over reacting and I’m ending our marriage as I am unreasonable and I should be more relaxed about his drinking.
He says many people drink way more than he does maintains that his health has not/will not be affected and that I’m imagining that he has any sort of drinking problem. I don’t really know whether I’m going mad - he makes me feel like I’m the one with the issues.
I’m sorry to write such a long post but I haven’t really had an honest chat with anyone about this. He says it’s ‘none of anyone’s business’ and would prefer me not to talk to our friends about my concerns.
Thanks for reading this- much appreciated
I’m looking for some advice and would really appreciate your thoughts. I think my husband has a drink problem. He is convinced he does not. I fluctuate between feeling very certain and then really unsure...
.
We have been together for 16 years and have 3 children. He is a great husband and a loving father. He has always been a heavy drinker and when we met it was quite normal for him to go on all day binge drinking sessions every weekend with friends- in one of those sessions he could drink 18 + pints of strong beer.
His Father was an alcoholic who drank every day and pretty much lived in the pub. A lot of his friends in the UK where we used to live, also drink heavily. My husband denies that anyone in his family/circle of friends has alcohol issues - he says they ‘just like a drink’.
In his teens and twenties my husband drank heavily 3-4 times a week.
We met when he was in his early 30’s and I did notice that he was in a culture of heavy drinkers - i naively thought he would grow out of it. He’s an affable drunk - never gets into fights and never becomes mean.
His binge drinking caused problems for me from the start. I recognised that he was drinking heavily and we argued a lot about our differing opinions on this. It got worse when we had to have IVF to conceive and we discovered after a very big weekend of drinking, that his sperm count was very low. He maintained that alcohol doesn’t affect fertility and for someone who is very intelligent, has cited the fact that his Dad had no problems conceiving. During our IVF attempts he continued to drink heavily and on one particular cycle, went on a 3 day binge drinking Stag Party for his brothers wedding. We eventually conceived but not for another 6 months.
When I was 38 weeks pregnant with our second child he went on an all day binge drinking session and didn’t come home. I eventually located him in the local hospital. He had fallen whilst intoxicated and seriously damaged his face. He had no recollection of how he’d sustained his injury and had to phone the ambulance service to find out. He had 3 days off work and was very sorry and subdued.
We went to see a counsellor and she expressed her concerns about his drinking- suggested that he should never again drink more than 3 or 4 drinks in one sitting. He agreed.
He abstained from drinking altogether for 6 months and then started again with the restrictions she had suggested.
All was ok for a while but his drinking gradually crept up again.
He had a few ‘big nights’ when he got really drunk and the arguments started again.
He had a small heart attack aged 43- nobody asked him about his alcohol intake and he maintains it is completely unrelated. I asked him to stop drinking altogether and he declined.
We are now in a situation where he drinks every weekend - usually 6-8 beers on a Friday - usually on his own as I hate drinking with him. On a Saturday evening we often socialise with friends and he will have 8 plus beers plus a couple on sunday night and occasionally a night out in the week.
If i suggests he drives, and I have a drink, he becomes quite hostile and wants us to get a taxi so we can both drink.
He also has a planned ‘Big Night’ with his friends every few months when he gets absolutely intoxicated. He had a ‘Big Night’ last weekend which was unplanned -we went out together and I drove home at 10.30 pm to relieve the babysitter. He said he would be home around 12.30am. He came home in a taxi at 3 am very drunk and unable to tell me where he’d been and who he’d been with. He knew It was his turn to get up at 6 am to look after the kids - which he did.
He never has a hangover- just tired and dehydrated.
Last Saturday’s night out really made me face the fact that his drinking is unacceptable for me. I told him that in order to remain married and living at home he needs to stop drinking altogether. He says there is no way he is stopping alcohol completely as he ‘likes it’. He feels I’m over reacting and I’m ending our marriage as I am unreasonable and I should be more relaxed about his drinking.
He says many people drink way more than he does maintains that his health has not/will not be affected and that I’m imagining that he has any sort of drinking problem. I don’t really know whether I’m going mad - he makes me feel like I’m the one with the issues.
I’m sorry to write such a long post but I haven’t really had an honest chat with anyone about this. He says it’s ‘none of anyone’s business’ and would prefer me not to talk to our friends about my concerns.
Thanks for reading this- much appreciated
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, Nixhey. Please don't feel you're "wasting anyone's time" here. As a member, I am here b/c I WANT to be here. I WANT to both give and receive support. Part of the reason I am here is for people like you, b/c I was in your shoes not all that long ago myself.
It sounds to me like you haven't gotten much information about alcoholism--what it looks like, how it affects you, what you can and can't do about someone else's drinking. That's where I was when I came here, too. The first thing I'd suggest is to spend as much time as you can reading around the forum here. I think you'll hear a lot of things that will resonate w/you and make you realize that you are absolutely NOT alone.
In addition to reading other members' stories, make sure to go to the top of the page and read the "stickies"--these are threads that have been "stuck" to the front page to make them easy to find. They contain what amounts to an alcoholism boot camp session, w/tons of information and inspiration.
I would also suggest looking into Alanon for some face-to-face support. Whether or not you decide to get deeply involved in Alanon, it is a GREAT resource. SR and Alanon were a powerful combination for change in my recovery, and I took what I found useful from each source, applying it to my life as I was able.
I'm sorry for the situation that brought you here, but let me assure you, there ARE answers and happiness for you as you start your own recovery path. Just remember that you don't have to make any big decisions or take any dramatic actions right now--just take your time and learn, and know that it can and will get better as you do learn.
It sounds to me like you haven't gotten much information about alcoholism--what it looks like, how it affects you, what you can and can't do about someone else's drinking. That's where I was when I came here, too. The first thing I'd suggest is to spend as much time as you can reading around the forum here. I think you'll hear a lot of things that will resonate w/you and make you realize that you are absolutely NOT alone.
In addition to reading other members' stories, make sure to go to the top of the page and read the "stickies"--these are threads that have been "stuck" to the front page to make them easy to find. They contain what amounts to an alcoholism boot camp session, w/tons of information and inspiration.
I would also suggest looking into Alanon for some face-to-face support. Whether or not you decide to get deeply involved in Alanon, it is a GREAT resource. SR and Alanon were a powerful combination for change in my recovery, and I took what I found useful from each source, applying it to my life as I was able.
I'm sorry for the situation that brought you here, but let me assure you, there ARE answers and happiness for you as you start your own recovery path. Just remember that you don't have to make any big decisions or take any dramatic actions right now--just take your time and learn, and know that it can and will get better as you do learn.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 116
Hey Nixhey,
This is a thread of some more or less similar situation:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...alcoholic.html (New to the forum-wife of alcoholic)
In this Thread some experienced spouses of alcoholics, give their input like ladybird or dandylon. If you recognize someone, who resonates with you, it is also an option to go to that members page and browse his posting history. That helped me a lot.
Good luck, don't forget, many many spouses are in the exact same situation as you are. While this is not easy, there will be ways, examples, help and solutions. As honeypig indicated, read as much as you can, but also don't hesitate to ask questions. Even if topics have been discussed, your thread will help you with your specific needs and makes it more of a personal experience for you.
All the best.
This is a thread of some more or less similar situation:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...alcoholic.html (New to the forum-wife of alcoholic)
In this Thread some experienced spouses of alcoholics, give their input like ladybird or dandylon. If you recognize someone, who resonates with you, it is also an option to go to that members page and browse his posting history. That helped me a lot.
Good luck, don't forget, many many spouses are in the exact same situation as you are. While this is not easy, there will be ways, examples, help and solutions. As honeypig indicated, read as much as you can, but also don't hesitate to ask questions. Even if topics have been discussed, your thread will help you with your specific needs and makes it more of a personal experience for you.
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Nixhey, sorry for what brings you here. Your husband doesn't have a problem with his drinking and he has given his reasons to justify it. You have a problem with his drinking and from your accounts he does drink alot. My husband was drinking 8-9 cans of beer a night and it was causing problems. Alcoholics can never moderate their drinking.
Take care of yourself. What do you want? I realized giving ultimate don't work unless I'm willing to back it up. My husband would ignore my conversations the next time I talked. Discussing issues with someone who is not willing to change or is drunk will just waste your time. Don't be afraid to vent to us. We will be here for you.
Take care of yourself. What do you want? I realized giving ultimate don't work unless I'm willing to back it up. My husband would ignore my conversations the next time I talked. Discussing issues with someone who is not willing to change or is drunk will just waste your time. Don't be afraid to vent to us. We will be here for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
Posts: 128
Hi and welcome!
I'm from the north of England so I totally get what you mean about drinking culture.
Try not to let your happiness be tied into his behaviour. That way leads to madness I've found.
Looks like you've got your hands full with his attitude. He's in denial big time.
Read all you can on here and keep posting xx
I'm from the north of England so I totally get what you mean about drinking culture.
Try not to let your happiness be tied into his behaviour. That way leads to madness I've found.
Looks like you've got your hands full with his attitude. He's in denial big time.
Read all you can on here and keep posting xx
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Nihxey......do you know how to find all of the threads a person has ...from the beginning of their story? If not----
Click on their name...to the left of their post...
Then....click on "previous threads"...from the drop-down bar...
All of their past threads will appear....
It is amazing to read someone's experience, over a period of time....
There are thousands of members, on this forum, and, yours is not an uncommon story...
Click on their name...to the left of their post...
Then....click on "previous threads"...from the drop-down bar...
All of their past threads will appear....
It is amazing to read someone's experience, over a period of time....
There are thousands of members, on this forum, and, yours is not an uncommon story...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Nihxey....I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of articles o n alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....there are about 100 of them...enough for you to read one each day....
There is so m uch to know...and, you will find much that will resonate with you...
Knowledge is power.
Here is that link...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
There is so m uch to know...and, you will find much that will resonate with you...
Knowledge is power.
Here is that link...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Nixhey........one word of caution.....It is unwise for him to drastically cut back or go cold turkey, without some medical supervision....particularly, in his case, having already had a heart attack.....
Cold turkey...(suddenly stopping the drink)....can bring on some very dangerous symptoms....like, delirium tremens (DTs), withdrawl seizures, skyrocketing blood pressure, extreme anxiety and discomfort, panic reactions, etc.....
He, at least, should visit a doctor who can give him medication and monitor his progress.....The doctor would probably recommend that he do it inside of a medical facility....which is the safest of all.....
***If he refuses to see a doctor or go to a facility, for a few days, I wouldn't recommend that you "nag" him to stop....as it would be very dangerous and he probably couldn't take the extreme discomfort that it would bring on.....and. have to reach for a drink to quell the withdrawl discomfort.....(don't underestimate how miserable the withdrawal feels!)
Cold turkey...(suddenly stopping the drink)....can bring on some very dangerous symptoms....like, delirium tremens (DTs), withdrawl seizures, skyrocketing blood pressure, extreme anxiety and discomfort, panic reactions, etc.....
He, at least, should visit a doctor who can give him medication and monitor his progress.....The doctor would probably recommend that he do it inside of a medical facility....which is the safest of all.....
***If he refuses to see a doctor or go to a facility, for a few days, I wouldn't recommend that you "nag" him to stop....as it would be very dangerous and he probably couldn't take the extreme discomfort that it would bring on.....and. have to reach for a drink to quell the withdrawl discomfort.....(don't underestimate how miserable the withdrawal feels!)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Hugs Nihxey, I know that crazy feeling and wondering if some how there is something wrong with yourself other than the alcoholic. The truth is, I did in fact drive myself crazy trying to get my exhusband to listen to me, understand me, care that he was upsetting me, care that he was destroying his health on every level... it was a waste of my energy and drained me right into an anxiety disorder.
It does not matter if your husband is an alcoholic or not, what matters is that his drinking is affecting YOU. That is legitimate and it matters. You have a right to your feelings and you have a voice, if you want to talk to us, or your friends, or your family, or anyone else you trust then please do not let your husband muzzle you. It is common that many of us protect our spouses by hiding the truth about their drinking. Most of them prefer that we keep it quiet. It's a heavy burden for us to bear. Their drinking is after all their business, but how it affects you 100% absolutely YOUR business and if you want to talk about your feelings he shouldn't get a say in whether or not you get to do that!
Learning about boundaries for myself rather then trying to enforce rules on my (ex)husband was a big first step in my healing process.
I'm glad you are here, I hope you stick around!
It does not matter if your husband is an alcoholic or not, what matters is that his drinking is affecting YOU. That is legitimate and it matters. You have a right to your feelings and you have a voice, if you want to talk to us, or your friends, or your family, or anyone else you trust then please do not let your husband muzzle you. It is common that many of us protect our spouses by hiding the truth about their drinking. Most of them prefer that we keep it quiet. It's a heavy burden for us to bear. Their drinking is after all their business, but how it affects you 100% absolutely YOUR business and if you want to talk about your feelings he shouldn't get a say in whether or not you get to do that!
Learning about boundaries for myself rather then trying to enforce rules on my (ex)husband was a big first step in my healing process.
I'm glad you are here, I hope you stick around!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It does not matter what label you put on it or not, his drinking is causing you problems. You have children with this man, please protect them first and foremost by not allowing him to drive them if there is any chance, ever, that he could drive them under the influence.
Keep reading, keep posting, you are not alone.
Keep reading, keep posting, you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by Nixhey 
Hello
I’m looking for some advice and would really appreciate your thoughts. I think my husband has a drink problem. He is convinced he does not. I fluctuate between feeling very certain and then really unsure...
.
His Father was an alcoholic who drank every day and pretty much lived in the pub. A lot of his friends in the UK where we used to live, also drink heavily. My husband denies that anyone in his family/circle of friends has alcohol issues - he says they ‘just like a drink’.
When I was 38 weeks pregnant with our second child he went on an all day binge drinking session and didn’t come home. I eventually located him in the local hospital. He had fallen whilst intoxicated and seriously damaged his face. He had no recollection of how he’d sustained his injury and had to phone the ambulance service to find out. He had 3 days off work and was very sorry and subdued.
We went to see a counsellor and she expressed her concerns about his drinking- suggested that he should never again drink more than 3 or 4 drinks in one sitting. He agreed.
He abstained from drinking altogether for 6 months and then started again with the restrictions she had suggested.
All was ok for a while but his drinking gradually crept up again.
He had a few ‘big nights’ when he got really drunk and the arguments started again.
Last Saturday’s night out really made me face the fact that his drinking is unacceptable for me. I told him that in order to remain married and living at home he needs to stop drinking altogether. He says there is no way he is stopping alcohol completely as he ‘likes it’. He feels I’m over reacting and I’m ending our marriage as I am unreasonable and I should be more relaxed about his drinking.
He says many people drink way more than he does maintains that his health has not/will not be affected and that I’m imagining that he has any sort of drinking problem. I don’t really know whether I’m going mad - he makes me feel like I’m the one with the issues.
I’m sorry to write such a long post but I haven’t really had an honest chat with anyone about this. He says it’s ‘none of anyone’s business’ and would prefer me not to talk to our friends about my concerns.
Thanks for reading this- much appreciated
I’m looking for some advice and would really appreciate your thoughts. I think my husband has a drink problem. He is convinced he does not. I fluctuate between feeling very certain and then really unsure...
.
His Father was an alcoholic who drank every day and pretty much lived in the pub. A lot of his friends in the UK where we used to live, also drink heavily. My husband denies that anyone in his family/circle of friends has alcohol issues - he says they ‘just like a drink’.
When I was 38 weeks pregnant with our second child he went on an all day binge drinking session and didn’t come home. I eventually located him in the local hospital. He had fallen whilst intoxicated and seriously damaged his face. He had no recollection of how he’d sustained his injury and had to phone the ambulance service to find out. He had 3 days off work and was very sorry and subdued.
We went to see a counsellor and she expressed her concerns about his drinking- suggested that he should never again drink more than 3 or 4 drinks in one sitting. He agreed.
He abstained from drinking altogether for 6 months and then started again with the restrictions she had suggested.
All was ok for a while but his drinking gradually crept up again.
He had a few ‘big nights’ when he got really drunk and the arguments started again.
Last Saturday’s night out really made me face the fact that his drinking is unacceptable for me. I told him that in order to remain married and living at home he needs to stop drinking altogether. He says there is no way he is stopping alcohol completely as he ‘likes it’. He feels I’m over reacting and I’m ending our marriage as I am unreasonable and I should be more relaxed about his drinking.
He says many people drink way more than he does maintains that his health has not/will not be affected and that I’m imagining that he has any sort of drinking problem. I don’t really know whether I’m going mad - he makes me feel like I’m the one with the issues.
I’m sorry to write such a long post but I haven’t really had an honest chat with anyone about this. He says it’s ‘none of anyone’s business’ and would prefer me not to talk to our friends about my concerns.
Thanks for reading this- much appreciated
I don't like to label people. Alcohol Use Disorder runs on a spectrum, so wherever he is on this - its having a negative impact on you, and your marriage. Which is the same thing that I felt.
So he went to see a counselor after he had the incident a while back. Do you think he would be willing to see this person again, or a family therapist with you? It might be a way to share your feelings, how his pattern of behavior is affecting things at home. He may not be ready to accept he has a problem with alcohol, but it might help him see that he has a problem with his marriage. I recommend this because it helped me communicate better with my husband, and I also did individual sessions so I would have a safe place to get out all of my emotions, make sure I wasn't going crazy, and it helped me think of what I needed for myself and my future.
It was very hard for me to talk to my family and friends. I ended up feeling isolated because of it. Think about this, the guys your husband socializes with... how do you know their wives and families are not also being affected in the same way as you are? Just no one is talking about it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 7
Thanks so much for everyone’s replies. I have started reading the articles on this site and looking at people’s threads. I can see that there certainly is a spectrum and some of your stories are heartbreaking. My husband’s denial of his problem seems to be very common. He has said that I have no idea how bad it could be - obviously speaking from his own perspective of being a child with an absent father who was in the pub the whole time. I think as long as he’s not behaving like his Dad he will continue to deny he has a problem. He absolutely minimises my concerns which I find very patronising. I am very strict about him driving the children - when he was really drunk on Saturday night I didn’t let him drive all day Sunday. I have asked him to see a drug and alcohol counsellor and he hasn’t said no so fingers crossed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 7
Well I’m here again
Hello there
i find myself here again. No surprises really
A year ago we finally went to see a Drug and Alcohol Counsellor - my husband chose her. She is a recovering alcoholic and drug user herself and has created a successful counselling business
He had spoke to her first on the phone and we all had one session together.
During the session he was honest with her about his level of drinking and she basically made a joke about saying that when she was drinking, her and her friends used to laugh at the binge drinkers as she ‘used to drink every day what they drank over a weekend’
I found that very unprofessional and I did challenge her attitude but she basically told me in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t an alcoholic, his drinking was reasonable and basically I needed to chill out. She did however tell me that if his drinking level increased, we should return. She wanted us to see her for marriage counselling after that but I declined. My husband was delighted with this as you can imagine and I let it go for a year. Just ignored his drinking and tried to ‘chill’
A few months ago he went on a daytime bender with friends and ended up being very intoxicated at 4pm with my 14 year old daughter alone in the house - he had lost his phone and was in a mess.
All his friends were in the same state and apparently I was the only one who didn’t find it hilarious.
A couple of weeks ago, something made me check the amount of beer cans after a weekend and it seems that his drinking has increased considerably. He drinks heavily (usually alone) on Friday and Saturday nights - more if we have friends over, and has a few on a Thursday and a Sunday. He has put on a lot of weight over the last year and is very unfit. He has developed significant shoulder pain which the GP has been unable to explain and over the last year his sleep has become very problematic. His GP is unaware of the level he drinks at
I spoke to him about this increase and he said yes it had increased and he would stop for 3 months from January - he also would have a Fibroscan (at my request), as long as he could ‘drink what he liked over Christmas’….
Since then we have had multiple arguments and yesterday he told me he was ‘sick of my going on about drinking’ and he was a grown man and he could drink what he liked. He says he will not give up drinking.
I have read a lot of threads - I know this is a slippery slope. He hates me and I hate myself for staying in a marriage where his drinking is unacceptable. I also have very little respect for him as he will tell me that he has no clothes that fit him and he’s fat.
I know I need to leave - I just need to work out how. My sister is going through a horrible divorce currently and her kids are really struggling.
if you have got this far, thanks for listening to me vent x
i find myself here again. No surprises really
A year ago we finally went to see a Drug and Alcohol Counsellor - my husband chose her. She is a recovering alcoholic and drug user herself and has created a successful counselling business
He had spoke to her first on the phone and we all had one session together.
During the session he was honest with her about his level of drinking and she basically made a joke about saying that when she was drinking, her and her friends used to laugh at the binge drinkers as she ‘used to drink every day what they drank over a weekend’
I found that very unprofessional and I did challenge her attitude but she basically told me in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t an alcoholic, his drinking was reasonable and basically I needed to chill out. She did however tell me that if his drinking level increased, we should return. She wanted us to see her for marriage counselling after that but I declined. My husband was delighted with this as you can imagine and I let it go for a year. Just ignored his drinking and tried to ‘chill’
A few months ago he went on a daytime bender with friends and ended up being very intoxicated at 4pm with my 14 year old daughter alone in the house - he had lost his phone and was in a mess.
All his friends were in the same state and apparently I was the only one who didn’t find it hilarious.
A couple of weeks ago, something made me check the amount of beer cans after a weekend and it seems that his drinking has increased considerably. He drinks heavily (usually alone) on Friday and Saturday nights - more if we have friends over, and has a few on a Thursday and a Sunday. He has put on a lot of weight over the last year and is very unfit. He has developed significant shoulder pain which the GP has been unable to explain and over the last year his sleep has become very problematic. His GP is unaware of the level he drinks at
I spoke to him about this increase and he said yes it had increased and he would stop for 3 months from January - he also would have a Fibroscan (at my request), as long as he could ‘drink what he liked over Christmas’….
Since then we have had multiple arguments and yesterday he told me he was ‘sick of my going on about drinking’ and he was a grown man and he could drink what he liked. He says he will not give up drinking.
I have read a lot of threads - I know this is a slippery slope. He hates me and I hate myself for staying in a marriage where his drinking is unacceptable. I also have very little respect for him as he will tell me that he has no clothes that fit him and he’s fat.
I know I need to leave - I just need to work out how. My sister is going through a horrible divorce currently and her kids are really struggling.
if you have got this far, thanks for listening to me vent x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Hi Nixhey, welcome back, but sorry for what brings you here of course. Also sorry to hear your Sister is going through a hard time as well.
If you don't mind me asking, why are you staying? Do you have the means to go out on your own with the kids? Perhaps you and your Sister could get a place together, which would also give you both support?
What would you like to do?
If you don't mind me asking, why are you staying? Do you have the means to go out on your own with the kids? Perhaps you and your Sister could get a place together, which would also give you both support?
What would you like to do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 7
Hello Trailmix
Thanks for your reply
I’m scared, terrified of hurting my kids, only seeing them 50% of the time and worried that they will hate me for walking away from a situation I could have put up with.
Even though my gut is telling me he does have a drink problem, I constantly do the ‘is my drinking harmful’ quizzes on his behalf. It’s like I need to be validated for some reason.
I’ve been on the receiving end of him denying, normalising, minimising and making me out to be uptight, nagging and crazy for challenging his drinking for the last 15 years. Our social circle seems to have a fair few moderate drinkers and I am generally considered the fun police.
I feel I’m behaving like an alcoholic - keep kicking the can down the road so I don’t have to make any decisions ‘right now’
I’m acutely aware that there is no ‘right time’ to bring this to a head - I look back at my first post and feel so depressed that so much time has gone past and the situation is worse than it was.
I would be very scared to go out on my own but Ii could be financially independent.
Thanks for your reply
I’m scared, terrified of hurting my kids, only seeing them 50% of the time and worried that they will hate me for walking away from a situation I could have put up with.
Even though my gut is telling me he does have a drink problem, I constantly do the ‘is my drinking harmful’ quizzes on his behalf. It’s like I need to be validated for some reason.
I’ve been on the receiving end of him denying, normalising, minimising and making me out to be uptight, nagging and crazy for challenging his drinking for the last 15 years. Our social circle seems to have a fair few moderate drinkers and I am generally considered the fun police.
I feel I’m behaving like an alcoholic - keep kicking the can down the road so I don’t have to make any decisions ‘right now’
I’m acutely aware that there is no ‘right time’ to bring this to a head - I look back at my first post and feel so depressed that so much time has gone past and the situation is worse than it was.
I would be very scared to go out on my own but Ii could be financially independent.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Nixhey.......if you are concerned that YOU may be hurting your kids by removifng them from a full-time alcoholic home......I suggest that keeping them in that environment is the most harmful.
It is consi dered to be that having a sober parent in a peaceful and predictable environment---even part of the time is better for the kids.
Even if you can't see the damage, now----it is short changing the kids when the parents are at odds, arguing, and causing their mother to be constantly stressed and out of sorts.
I stroidngly suggest that you get the "Big Book" of the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics"....and read it. It will reveal the damage done to children who were raised in alcoholic homes.
You can, also, order the literature of this group, in addition to the Big Book. You can get it on amazon.com or through your local library.
Your chidldren certainly do qualify----as their grandfather and father were/are alcohollics.
This is how alcoholism is handed down from generation to generation.
By what you have shared, I would guess that your 3 kids are early adolescent/teenagers ? It is not too l ate to help your children and guide them along a healthier path.
***It is interesting to note, that so many children who grew up with one alcoholic parent, end up resenting the "sober parent" more than the alcoholic parent for "making them stay in that environment"
It is, also, good to remember that you are the parent and you get to make the important decisions for their overall good----otherwise you can end up with the tail wagging the dog.
It is consi dered to be that having a sober parent in a peaceful and predictable environment---even part of the time is better for the kids.
Even if you can't see the damage, now----it is short changing the kids when the parents are at odds, arguing, and causing their mother to be constantly stressed and out of sorts.
I stroidngly suggest that you get the "Big Book" of the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics"....and read it. It will reveal the damage done to children who were raised in alcoholic homes.
You can, also, order the literature of this group, in addition to the Big Book. You can get it on amazon.com or through your local library.
Your chidldren certainly do qualify----as their grandfather and father were/are alcohollics.
This is how alcoholism is handed down from generation to generation.
By what you have shared, I would guess that your 3 kids are early adolescent/teenagers ? It is not too l ate to help your children and guide them along a healthier path.
***It is interesting to note, that so many children who grew up with one alcoholic parent, end up resenting the "sober parent" more than the alcoholic parent for "making them stay in that environment"
It is, also, good to remember that you are the parent and you get to make the important decisions for their overall good----otherwise you can end up with the tail wagging the dog.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
As usual, dandylion has said everything I would say regarding your concern about how divorce affects children vs. how growing up in a dysfunctional home governed by addiction does. They can work through something as obvious as a divorce. It may be years and years before anyone understands how deeply they are affected by his alcoholism, and they may leave a trail of destruction and self-destruction in their wake on the way there.
It would be especially helpful if you could find a way to absolve yourself of figuring out whether or not he has a problem with his drinking, and accept the fact that you do. And that that is reason enough to make a change.
It would be especially helpful if you could find a way to absolve yourself of figuring out whether or not he has a problem with his drinking, and accept the fact that you do. And that that is reason enough to make a change.
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