aliciagr

If you are working with his rehab team then curious if they have offered family therapy during his inpatient, or as part of follow up? Not all treatment centers do this, but it was very helpful to me, and it helped set the tone for family interactions. And to be honest, we talked in detail about his treatment plan, relapse prevention and such. Talked about my feelings, boundaries, what I needed and all of that. Our family views addiction as a medical issue and its no different than discussing cancer treatment or mental health issues in my opinion. There are complexities that affect the whole family in those conditions as well as alcohol use disorder. The couples work really helped me sort through many of my own individual concerns.

DesertEyes

Hello there Katie,

As you can see from the depth and breadth of replies you are not alone in your thoughts and questions around here

That is not actually possible. Alcoholism in all it's guises is much too random to have a plan. What is usually recommended is to stay in touch with some form of support group / therapist /etc. so that if it happens you will be not be alone.

Another recomendation for any kind of relationshiop, dysfunctional or not, is to build your boundaries and resources so that if any kind of disaster strikes you will already be prepared. As others have mentioned separate finances is recommended for any relationship. A good friend that will take you in, credit history in your own name, etc.

Those are called "boundaries".

Glad to hear that. I am dealing with chemo right now so I have a rough idea of what a horror it can be.

Welcome to SoberRecovery. Around here your beliefs are nobody's business but your own.

BTW, in some parts of the country the atheists groups have taken the initials "AA" to mean "Agnostics Anonymous". That can get really confusing when searching online or going thru a meeting directory. There are also Alcholics Anonymous meetings that are agnostic, which just creates more confusion around the initials.

Welcome again

Mike
Moderator, SR

KatieNoPockets

Thank you Mike. Best wishes to you in your treatment.

They do not have family therapy days just yet we had a friends and family meeting separate from the patients and then a little bit of a brief visit which is obviously pretty standard. This is program actually does have a recovery plan and a relapse plan as part of the discharge planning. I like the comparison to being on a ship. Any boat or ship you are on you have no plan on it sinking no plan on anything going wrong, but things do go wrong. You can steer clear of storms, you can maintain your boat. Sometimes a huge wave comes by and it crashes on to you and you have to hold on for dear life but no matter what you need to have a plan that works to get you safe. Either you have to get off the boat or you have to fix what is broken but if you don't have a plan for when things go wrong then you will surely sink. Perhaps it is just the unique semantics of this program that uses those phrases to indicate boundaries and resources but that has been what I feel I was lacking prior to this. A plan. Exactly as you say, boundaries and resources.

KatieNoPockets

I certainly never heard that term before I started talking to people about my husband's alcoholism. Not in relation to me I mean. I get what you mean about internally being a martyr. I think I'm just starting to listen to my inner voice to find out what she's been talking about this whole time. My family is outwardly successful, socially active, my parents have been married for 45 years, my sister has a Ph.D, and my parents are retired and extremely active in community programs, charities, and all that blah blah blah. Make no bones about it, there is a significant level of dysfunction in the family. There are lies. While there is no drinking, addiction, or abuse there is a sincere lack of communication and disconnect despite everything looking wonderful on the surface. We simply are not in touch with each other.

During our friends and family day I watched an awesome movie called Pleasure Unwoven. Maybe it's one that many people are familiar with but for me it was something I had not heard of before. Having a clinical understanding of brain chemistry but not necessarily a solid education in the chemistry of addiction it was extremely informative to me. It was in layman's terms but had a lot of clinical information that made a rock-solid case for alcoholism as a disease and a function or rather dysfunction of the hedonic system in the brain. I am certainly not comparing his cancer and his alcoholism as like diseases. They just happened along about the same time.

dandylion

This discussion brings to mind one of my favorite television sitcoms of all time---
"Everybody Loves Raymond".....and, specifically, the mother-in-law character, Marie.....
She is the very definition of the martyr...lol.....so funny!
If one watches it over time...they have dealt with some of her own issues....such as not really having any outlets of her own or identity of her own )though she wishes for it, sometimes).....
And, OMG...the relationship with her husband.....looks like long slow emotional abuse....
Such serious issues...dealt with, with such skillful, comedic writing.....

KatieNoPockets

So true!! I see her as the epitome of Martyr....and I identify much more with Deborah.

After talking with more people here I see there are martyrs in public and those that have an internal dialogue that exemplifies this characteristic. Perhaps I am more of the latter to a degree I was not formerly aware of. Thank you to all of you for helping me to understand that nuance.

FireSprite

I still cannot watch this show without triggering terribly - my paternal grandmother was EXACTLY like Marie with heavy, heavy doses of Catholic Guilt always running in the background. She ran the entire Sicilian family like a matriarchal mob. She was a huge part of our immediate circle of influence as young girls & we learned not just the codie habits she modeled but perfected her eating disorder to boot.

TV is full of unfortunately good examples of codependent people/characters displaying the gamut of symptoms. Vicki Gunvalson from Real Housewives OC is a horrifying example of unchecked codependency at it's height. (especially if you watch right from the start of season 1) Gus from the Netflix series Love is a much subtler, brainer version of severe codie habits in action. Shameless has all kinds of codie references but they tend to be dramatic, stereotypical situations. Marge Simpson, anyone? Lol. Intervention is great to me for the codie side as much as the addict side of things - but again, the personalities & habits displayed are varied from episode to episode. Some are more overt & some are much harder to identify. Some people ARE codie, some display certain habits depending on their situations.

MsGrace

Like you, I resist labels. I also didn't "get" the co-dependent thing in the beginning. What I discovered as I took working on my own transformation...I could see it was the only way out of the depth of misery I was in. I don't know if I'm co-dependent or not, what is far more important is that I work on myself, observe what I react to, notice what causes me to shut down, be aware of when I'm tempted to blame or feel the victim. I stay inside my own hoola hoop: the stuff I can control. If it falls outside that, I let it alone.
My drive was to regain my own sanity. Who cares if I'm co-dependent? I have a right to be happy and willing to work for it.