Ventured into dating and I am a mess
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Another suggestion. Sometimes it's better to describe what YOU bring to the table, rather than a laundry list of what you want. That way, the people who respond to you have an idea of your strengths, and will self-select. The ones who want a girly-girl won't bother with a woman who says she likes mowing the lawn and sharpening the lawn mower blades. That saves time, in my experience, and works better than trying to present a generic picture to appeal to everyone.
I should add, I am an acquired taste, and I know that. YMMV
I should add, I am an acquired taste, and I know that. YMMV
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Jada-
Not saying you need to do this but I though this was an interesting read/listen a bit ago. This young woman is a lawyer too and found that the help she got with a matchmaker was about improving her self-esteem and outlook.
https://www.npr.org/2018/01/23/57988...ers-are-needed
Not saying you need to do this but I though this was an interesting read/listen a bit ago. This young woman is a lawyer too and found that the help she got with a matchmaker was about improving her self-esteem and outlook.
https://www.npr.org/2018/01/23/57988...ers-are-needed
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
There are ********* everywhere you go, not just on online dating sites!
If you keep your wits about you you'll be fine. Ignore anyone who makes you go PING with a red flag. Ignore the players and the wankers and those who are disrespectful.
I've been on the Internet since the very early days and I have honestly met some of my very best friends online.
If you keep your wits about you you'll be fine. Ignore anyone who makes you go PING with a red flag. Ignore the players and the wankers and those who are disrespectful.
I've been on the Internet since the very early days and I have honestly met some of my very best friends online.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 72
Hi there. I know this isn’t a stunning endorsement but I met my ABF on match. His drinking escalated since we met. I never did think we’d get married but I was grateful to have met him and wouldn’t have in any other way. I went on match when I divorced my husband and did not love the process so much but I did think he helped me to meet other people. Like you, I’m i successful and attractive professional but I just don’t meet many “new” people naturally. I agree that you have to sort through the jerks, the professional daters, and those looking for a notch on their headboard but there are decent ones on there. I definitely think the free ones are not desirable. It’s peope who want to find peope for free. I would suggest doing something that costs money
As far as your intense response, I totally relate. It is through the codependent literature and some therapy that I’ve realized that I’m most important NOT what a random does in response to me. I’m learning to start some hobbies and engage in them and to constantly reaffirm to myself what I know I deserve. When ABF is finally gone, I’m prepared for a grueling road in dating. I know I’ll have to go slow and careful. Def suggest that to you
As far as your intense response, I totally relate. It is through the codependent literature and some therapy that I’ve realized that I’m most important NOT what a random does in response to me. I’m learning to start some hobbies and engage in them and to constantly reaffirm to myself what I know I deserve. When ABF is finally gone, I’m prepared for a grueling road in dating. I know I’ll have to go slow and careful. Def suggest that to you
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
Dating did not come naturally to me when I was younger. I had to read a lot of relationship books. It was really helpful to read about good boundaries. I had to get over myself and date different guys. That was healthy for me. It was like the Bachelorette going on different dates and just finding out what I liked and what I did not like.
I read the "Rules". Kinda funny, I laugh about it now. But it is true that you need to let a guy chase you a little and you do not need to run after a guy or put so much of yourself out there in the beginning. I think that book is more about being confident as a woman and knowing your own worth. I would not completely follow the Rules, but just take the parts out of it that are more about being confident as a woman.
Online dating was a healthy thing for me, like Match.com and Christian café. I am really shy and not the kind of person that would go to a bar. So in my 20s, I would go to singles groups at local churches. When I got to my 30s, it was just easier to meet with online dating. I would put as much effort in it in the beginning as that guy is putting into it. You are looking for someone that you can be compatible with. When it happens, it should be natural and fun-like it just makes you smile.
With having an ex husband who is an alcoholic, it is good to identify where you are with drinking yourself--are you looking for someone who is a social drinker who drinks moderately or are you looking for someone who does not drink. For me, after everything that I had been through, I would not have done very good with someone who needed to drink, even moderately.
The tall, dark handsome dude--yep you will have good looking children. But it is really nice to have a guy who is financially stable and responsible, will change diapers, and will play video games with your kids.
With my husband, I remember having a zit on my face when we first started dating. The funny thing is that he did not see it on my face. We just talked a lot. It was fun getting to know each other.
I read the "Rules". Kinda funny, I laugh about it now. But it is true that you need to let a guy chase you a little and you do not need to run after a guy or put so much of yourself out there in the beginning. I think that book is more about being confident as a woman and knowing your own worth. I would not completely follow the Rules, but just take the parts out of it that are more about being confident as a woman.
Online dating was a healthy thing for me, like Match.com and Christian café. I am really shy and not the kind of person that would go to a bar. So in my 20s, I would go to singles groups at local churches. When I got to my 30s, it was just easier to meet with online dating. I would put as much effort in it in the beginning as that guy is putting into it. You are looking for someone that you can be compatible with. When it happens, it should be natural and fun-like it just makes you smile.
With having an ex husband who is an alcoholic, it is good to identify where you are with drinking yourself--are you looking for someone who is a social drinker who drinks moderately or are you looking for someone who does not drink. For me, after everything that I had been through, I would not have done very good with someone who needed to drink, even moderately.
The tall, dark handsome dude--yep you will have good looking children. But it is really nice to have a guy who is financially stable and responsible, will change diapers, and will play video games with your kids.
With my husband, I remember having a zit on my face when we first started dating. The funny thing is that he did not see it on my face. We just talked a lot. It was fun getting to know each other.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I think some of the sites are designed to play on people's insecurities and develop obsessions tendancies to be honest. It's how they make their money after all.
The information recently released about Facebook algorithms is testimony to the social network industry being very 'sophisticated ' in that way.
In some ways i think being very attractive as a female can bring it's own problems along with it. (Not talking from personal experience, but from observing attitudes ive seen to very attractive friends). And being on a site where the first thing someone sees is a photo isn't gonna help that. I bet if a very attractive woman put her hobbies as strangling kittens and shooting elephants people would still want a fate, because half the time they're not even looking past the photo.
I've heard better things about the speed dating places where you get very short chats with a variety of people.
Personally I think it's better to meet naturally, but maybe I'm more old fashioned than I like to admit to myself lol.
Good luck for when you decide to go back to the dating idea.
BB
The information recently released about Facebook algorithms is testimony to the social network industry being very 'sophisticated ' in that way.
In some ways i think being very attractive as a female can bring it's own problems along with it. (Not talking from personal experience, but from observing attitudes ive seen to very attractive friends). And being on a site where the first thing someone sees is a photo isn't gonna help that. I bet if a very attractive woman put her hobbies as strangling kittens and shooting elephants people would still want a fate, because half the time they're not even looking past the photo.
I've heard better things about the speed dating places where you get very short chats with a variety of people.
Personally I think it's better to meet naturally, but maybe I'm more old fashioned than I like to admit to myself lol.
Good luck for when you decide to go back to the dating idea.
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Hello again everyone! Thank you again for all your responses. I read a really great book about attachment styles and it's really helped to open my eyes. I now know that I am an anxious attachment style, but of course, I tend to be attracted to those with an avoidant attachment style.
I was able to set some boundaries with my "shiny-object, extremely good-looking avoidant guy," who likes to text message me at 1am to "come over." That felt really good. I also have a date set for this weekend with a guy who actually is straightforward and doesn't send mixed signals. Prior to reading about attachment styles, I would have pegged him as boring, but now I know it's just that he's secure and therefore, the illusion of excitement is missing.
I'm grateful that for this learning experience and the opportunity to grow. I'm also really focusing on not having expectations other than just enjoying getting to know someone new.
I was able to set some boundaries with my "shiny-object, extremely good-looking avoidant guy," who likes to text message me at 1am to "come over." That felt really good. I also have a date set for this weekend with a guy who actually is straightforward and doesn't send mixed signals. Prior to reading about attachment styles, I would have pegged him as boring, but now I know it's just that he's secure and therefore, the illusion of excitement is missing.
I'm grateful that for this learning experience and the opportunity to grow. I'm also really focusing on not having expectations other than just enjoying getting to know someone new.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Maybe you could try to just presume that each first date will be a one off experience and will not lead to anything more, and just enjoy getting to know them as a friend.
All that madly deeply stuff can set up more false expectations for later, as you know, NO relationship stays like that long term.
If might also be worth reading up on different 'love languages' - different ways that show love other than the obvious.
BB
All that madly deeply stuff can set up more false expectations for later, as you know, NO relationship stays like that long term.
If might also be worth reading up on different 'love languages' - different ways that show love other than the obvious.
BB
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