Glad I found you
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Glad I found you
My XABF has just returned to town after being gone 2 months for work. For 2 months I have not seen him or heard from him. I have blocked him from my phone. I saw his truck yesterday in the parking lot of a bar yesterday and was flooded with so much pain. It has been 4 months since I broke up with him. I still love him and it still hurts that I can’t have him in my life. I stayed on my side of the street though and kept on driving. I am getting stronger. I can feel it. I know one of these days we will run into each other. It’s a small town. I need strength. Thank you all for sharing your stories it helps me so much.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Sailor, I remember you telling me about your boat. You seem to have built a wonderful life alone. I admire that. I don't know what to say about the feelings you still have for your ex, because I still have feelings too. Despite how terribly they treat us, how much they lie or steal... it's almost as if you were living through the same war but then after it's over, you can never talk about being in the trenches together. Even if you tried to talk about it, chances are they will tell you that they don't remember things the way you remember them. Maybe that's the problem. In my last days with my ex, I had someone say to me: you're in an abusive situation, and you're sad now, and it's okay if you want to stay because it's your life, but you can leave... and if you leave you will be sad too, but you might have moments of happiness. Happiness -- like your boat. I left because 1) it was dangerous for me to stay, 2) I knew I was going to be sad either way, but at least I'm sad because of myself... and maybe I'll get a boat. 
I should be thanking you for your boat story.
I should be thanking you for your boat story.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The ending of my relationship was not pleasant at all, I had to obtain a restraining order. We also lived in a relatively close proximity. In the early months after the relationship ended I did what I could to avoid running into him. I changed the route I drove to work, I scanned parking lots for his vehicle before parking and going inside. I changed up my own routine, changed when and where I shopped and took measures to not only protect myself physically but emotionally.
Were you surprised to see his truck parked at a bar? Because my thinking was always in that he was going to get clean/sober and THEN we might be able to re-start things again. The more I stuck with my own recovery the less I had those kind of thoughts and the clearer the reality became.
4 months is still early in your recovery plus you’ve had the benefit of him not being in the area. It’s going to pull your heartstrings a bit but stay your course continued ahead!!!
Were you surprised to see his truck parked at a bar? Because my thinking was always in that he was going to get clean/sober and THEN we might be able to re-start things again. The more I stuck with my own recovery the less I had those kind of thoughts and the clearer the reality became.
4 months is still early in your recovery plus you’ve had the benefit of him not being in the area. It’s going to pull your heartstrings a bit but stay your course continued ahead!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
One day at a time, ladies!!!!
I admire your strength, ALL of you.
Sailor, I had those feelings towards my ex for years. Finally, I started to feel more stress at the thought of being around him than anticipation. Someone has described this as "excited misery."
Then, I had a mental picture that my old relationship was like drinking anti-freeze. It would be so delicious and sweet over ice on a hot day, but will eventually kill you.
I admire your strength, ALL of you.
Sailor, I had those feelings towards my ex for years. Finally, I started to feel more stress at the thought of being around him than anticipation. Someone has described this as "excited misery."
Then, I had a mental picture that my old relationship was like drinking anti-freeze. It would be so delicious and sweet over ice on a hot day, but will eventually kill you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sailorgirl......I hope that you can take what I am going to say with an open mind...because I don't mean to invalidate any of your feelings....but, this is what I think...
When we bond with people in our lives...they become a part of the fabric of our lives...the familiarity, the memories....the space that they occupied....and, we tend to keep that nostalgia and connection to our past...especially, the ones that we once had intimate, emotional bonding with....
Because our language is so limited...we can label these feelings...these memories....as "Love".
I don't view it as love in the sense of the enriching, soul expanding kind of thing...
Because, that kind of "love" does not fill one with nerve shattering pain on sight!
Love...the kind that you are talking about...is not supposed to hurt.....
When we bond with people in our lives...they become a part of the fabric of our lives...the familiarity, the memories....the space that they occupied....and, we tend to keep that nostalgia and connection to our past...especially, the ones that we once had intimate, emotional bonding with....
Because our language is so limited...we can label these feelings...these memories....as "Love".
I don't view it as love in the sense of the enriching, soul expanding kind of thing...
Because, that kind of "love" does not fill one with nerve shattering pain on sight!
Love...the kind that you are talking about...is not supposed to hurt.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I live in the same general area as my addict. But I also own a second home (she once lived in it) which is like 1.5 miles from where she lives now. Its a small town.
When I first stopped seeing her I used to look for her car as I drove. My head was on a swivel. I also used to look for her face if I was in a store or out walking.
Several months later I no longer look for her face while out. I do catch myself looking if I see a car like hers. I'm checking the license plate to see if it is her.
I don't know what I will do if I run into her. I am afraid of her but I certainly don't hate her. If that day ever comes it will be rough.
By the grace of god I have not seen her or her car.
If by chance you run into him my vote is to hold you head high & be confident on the outside. Try your best to not look stressed by it. Just keep walking if that's what you need to do.
Its easy for me to give you that advice LOL If it were me running into her id be a mess.
When I first stopped seeing her I used to look for her car as I drove. My head was on a swivel. I also used to look for her face if I was in a store or out walking.
Several months later I no longer look for her face while out. I do catch myself looking if I see a car like hers. I'm checking the license plate to see if it is her.
I don't know what I will do if I run into her. I am afraid of her but I certainly don't hate her. If that day ever comes it will be rough.
By the grace of god I have not seen her or her car.
If by chance you run into him my vote is to hold you head high & be confident on the outside. Try your best to not look stressed by it. Just keep walking if that's what you need to do.
Its easy for me to give you that advice LOL If it were me running into her id be a mess.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by HardLessons 
I don't know what I will do if I run into her. I am afraid of her but I certainly don't hate her. If that day ever comes it will be rough.
Last fall I actually did almost run into him, he was sitting on a bench outside of a store and I saw him (he did not see me) and my instinct was to turn around and go the other way. I guess until I am 100 % confident in how I might handle that situation my best recourse is to avoid it. Plus I do have a restraining order and he will always be an addict so I don’t want to jeopardize having that in place should I ever need it.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Atalose
If I saw her & she did not see me it would be hard for me but I would just keep going. I am confident of that.
If her & I ran into each other & she acted nicely, I would be in big trouble. All that I have learned & all that I know would probably go out the window quickly. If she was with her daughter it would be even worse. I'm sure id be posting a new thread here on SR asking for help quickly.
But like I said above its been simply by the grace of god that she has left me alone & I haven't seen her. I know of no other way to explain it.
If I saw her & she did not see me it would be hard for me but I would just keep going. I am confident of that.
If her & I ran into each other & she acted nicely, I would be in big trouble. All that I have learned & all that I know would probably go out the window quickly. If she was with her daughter it would be even worse. I'm sure id be posting a new thread here on SR asking for help quickly.
But like I said above its been simply by the grace of god that she has left me alone & I haven't seen her. I know of no other way to explain it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by HardLessons
Atalose
If her & I ran into each other & she acted nicely, I would be in big trouble. All that I have learned & all that I know would probably go out the window quickly. If she was with her daughter it would be even worse. I'm sure id be posting a new thread here on SR asking for help quickly.
If her & I ran into each other & she acted nicely, I would be in big trouble. All that I have learned & all that I know would probably go out the window quickly. If she was with her daughter it would be even worse. I'm sure id be posting a new thread here on SR asking for help quickly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Sailor, I remember you telling me about your boat. You seem to have built a wonderful life alone. I admire that. I don't know what to say about the feelings you still have for your ex, because I still have feelings too. Despite how terribly they treat us, how much they lie or steal... it's almost as if you were living through the same war but then after it's over, you can never talk about being in the trenches together. Even if you tried to talk about it, chances are they will tell you that they don't remember things the way you remember them. Maybe that's the problem. In my last days with my ex, I had someone say to me: you're in an abusive situation, and you're sad now, and it's okay if you want to stay because it's your life, but you can leave... and if you leave you will be sad too, but you might have moments of happiness. Happiness -- like your boat. I left because 1) it was dangerous for me to stay, 2) I knew I was going to be sad either way, but at least I'm sad because of myself... and maybe I'll get a boat.
I should be thanking you for your boat story.
I should be thanking you for your boat story.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by atalose
The ending of my relationship was not pleasant at all, I had to obtain a restraining order. We also lived in a relatively close proximity. In the early months after the relationship ended I did what I could to avoid running into him. I changed the route I drove to work, I scanned parking lots for his vehicle before parking and going inside. I changed up my own routine, changed when and where I shopped and took measures to not only protect myself physically but emotionally.
Were you surprised to see his truck parked at a bar? Because my thinking was always in that he was going to get clean/sober and THEN we might be able to re-start things again. The more I stuck with my own recovery the less I had those kind of thoughts and the clearer the reality became.
4 months is still early in your recovery plus you’ve had the benefit of him not being in the area. It’s going to pull your heartstrings a bit but stay your course continued ahead!!!
Were you surprised to see his truck parked at a bar? Because my thinking was always in that he was going to get clean/sober and THEN we might be able to re-start things again. The more I stuck with my own recovery the less I had those kind of thoughts and the clearer the reality became.
4 months is still early in your recovery plus you’ve had the benefit of him not being in the area. It’s going to pull your heartstrings a bit but stay your course continued ahead!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by Eauchiche
One day at a time, ladies!!!!
I admire your strength, ALL of you.
Sailor, I had those feelings towards my ex for years. Finally, I started to feel more stress at the thought of being around him than anticipation. Someone has described this as "excited misery."
Then, I had a mental picture that my old relationship was like drinking anti-freeze. It would be so delicious and sweet over ice on a hot day, but will eventually kill you.
I admire your strength, ALL of you.
Sailor, I had those feelings towards my ex for years. Finally, I started to feel more stress at the thought of being around him than anticipation. Someone has described this as "excited misery."
Then, I had a mental picture that my old relationship was like drinking anti-freeze. It would be so delicious and sweet over ice on a hot day, but will eventually kill you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by dandylion
Sailorgirl......I hope that you can take what I am going to say with an open mind...because I don't mean to invalidate any of your feelings....but, this is what I think...
When we bond with people in our lives...they become a part of the fabric of our lives...the familiarity, the memories....the space that they occupied....and, we tend to keep that nostalgia and connection to our past...especially, the ones that we once had intimate, emotional bonding with....
Because our language is so limited...we can label these feelings...these memories....as "Love".
I don't view it as love in the sense of the enriching, soul expanding kind of thing...
Because, that kind of "love" does not fill one with nerve shattering pain on sight!
Love...the kind that you are talking about...is not supposed to hurt.....
When we bond with people in our lives...they become a part of the fabric of our lives...the familiarity, the memories....the space that they occupied....and, we tend to keep that nostalgia and connection to our past...especially, the ones that we once had intimate, emotional bonding with....
Because our language is so limited...we can label these feelings...these memories....as "Love".
I don't view it as love in the sense of the enriching, soul expanding kind of thing...
Because, that kind of "love" does not fill one with nerve shattering pain on sight!
Love...the kind that you are talking about...is not supposed to hurt.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by HardLessons
I live in the same general area as my addict. But I also own a second home (she once lived in it) which is like 1.5 miles from where she lives now. Its a small town.
When I first stopped seeing her I used to look for her car as I drove. My head was on a swivel. I also used to look for her face if I was in a store or out walking.
Several months later I no longer look for her face while out. I do catch myself looking if I see a car like hers. I'm checking the license plate to see if it is her.
I don't know what I will do if I run into her. I am afraid of her but I certainly don't hate her. If that day ever comes it will be rough.
By the grace of god I have not seen her or her car.
If by chance you run into him my vote is to hold you head high & be confident on the outside. Try your best to not look stressed by it. Just keep walking if that's what you need to do.
Its easy for me to give you that advice LOL If it were me running into her id be a mess.
When I first stopped seeing her I used to look for her car as I drove. My head was on a swivel. I also used to look for her face if I was in a store or out walking.
Several months later I no longer look for her face while out. I do catch myself looking if I see a car like hers. I'm checking the license plate to see if it is her.
I don't know what I will do if I run into her. I am afraid of her but I certainly don't hate her. If that day ever comes it will be rough.
By the grace of god I have not seen her or her car.
If by chance you run into him my vote is to hold you head high & be confident on the outside. Try your best to not look stressed by it. Just keep walking if that's what you need to do.
Its easy for me to give you that advice LOL If it were me running into her id be a mess.
I have a few promises I’ve made to myself:
—I will not ever go to “his bar”
—I will not drive by his ship or go to the pier where he works.
—I will not call or text, and he is blocked from my phone.
—If I run into a mutual friend I will not ask about him or discuss him.
—No digging around Facebook to get a glimpse of him.
—I like your advice for what to do if I do bump into him! Keep my head up, nod, and just keep walking. I know the day will come. I need to resist the urge for a booty call!
you know how.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Originally Posted by dandylion
Sailorgirl......I hope that you can take what I am going to say with an open mind...because I don't mean to invalidate any of your feelings....but, this is what I think...
When we bond with people in our lives...they become a part of the fabric of our lives...the familiarity, the memories....the space that they occupied....and, we tend to keep that nostalgia and connection to our past...especially, the ones that we once had intimate, emotional bonding with....
Because our language is so limited...we can label these feelings...these memories....as "Love".
I don't view it as love in the sense of the enriching, soul expanding kind of thing...
Because, that kind of "love" does not fill one with nerve shattering pain on sight!
Love...the kind that you are talking about...is not supposed to hurt.....
When we bond with people in our lives...they become a part of the fabric of our lives...the familiarity, the memories....the space that they occupied....and, we tend to keep that nostalgia and connection to our past...especially, the ones that we once had intimate, emotional bonding with....
Because our language is so limited...we can label these feelings...these memories....as "Love".
I don't view it as love in the sense of the enriching, soul expanding kind of thing...
Because, that kind of "love" does not fill one with nerve shattering pain on sight!
Love...the kind that you are talking about...is not supposed to hurt.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Feelings change and I imagine there will come a time when you see him and feel nothing at all. It happened to me: indifference, a blessed state.
I know you are right. I know it! I think back to an ABF I had several years ago. I was devastated when we broke up and I cried and cried. Now I look back and shake my head and think—what the hell was I doing with that loser? Not even a molecule of attraction left! Nowhere in the Bible does it say “and it came to stay...” lol. Thank you for your comment!! ❤️❤️❤️
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