So I had a difficult talk with AH...
I think the thing to do now is not to focus on what he did or how much he drank, but rather on the fact that this is who he is. He knows how you feel about it and did it anyway, first chance he got. Is this what you want in a partner? What you and your kids deserve in a home life?
RainingButtons.....when you had the "talk" with him....was there any discussion of him getting any help to quit?...or is he against it? Detox? Rehab?
Without outside help...or the motivation to accept outside help...the chances of him quitting, for good, approach zero....even if he could quit on his own...the kind of changes you are hoping for would , also, be slim....Putting down the bottle is one thing...but, the internal changes require more....a program of treatment that address the internal changes ...in other words...a life change...a life pivot....
If he simply is not there in desire and motivation to do what it takes (and it doesn't sound like he is)....it is good if you can recognize it for what it is....
At least, you can start addressing the true reality.......and, prepare yourself for what you need to do.....
You are not alone....as you are not the first woman/mother who has found herself in this situation....
Without outside help...or the motivation to accept outside help...the chances of him quitting, for good, approach zero....even if he could quit on his own...the kind of changes you are hoping for would , also, be slim....Putting down the bottle is one thing...but, the internal changes require more....a program of treatment that address the internal changes ...in other words...a life change...a life pivot....
If he simply is not there in desire and motivation to do what it takes (and it doesn't sound like he is)....it is good if you can recognize it for what it is....
At least, you can start addressing the true reality.......and, prepare yourself for what you need to do.....
You are not alone....as you are not the first woman/mother who has found herself in this situation....
I hope he isn't bluffing that they shouldn't communicate with you. There's no need for either of you to apologise if she tells you he's on the whiskey after a period of sobriety. Are you worried he will bully her?
I’m wondering if he invited the boy to stay with him, allowed the girl to come home, then got hammered on purpose because he wanted to mess up your time alone. Feels very contrived and manipulative to me.
For me this would be the final straw. My breaking point. He is really screwing up your kids’ lives. I’d draw a line in the sand and not ever take him back.
I am not telling you what to do. I’m not judging you. Just offering my own perspective. You are a strong brave and loving woman. Only you know what is best for those precious children and for yourself.
We are here for you. We’ve been there. We support you. Please come back and let us know how you’re doing.
Love and hugs from Sailor ⚓️
For me this would be the final straw. My breaking point. He is really screwing up your kids’ lives. I’d draw a line in the sand and not ever take him back.
I am not telling you what to do. I’m not judging you. Just offering my own perspective. You are a strong brave and loving woman. Only you know what is best for those precious children and for yourself.
We are here for you. We’ve been there. We support you. Please come back and let us know how you’re doing.
Love and hugs from Sailor ⚓️
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Yeah but he just drank 2 bottles of whiskey while his wife was away so he's not stopped even.
Yes, you are right, and it's a shame what harm alcoholics can cause.
What make me even "defend" drinking alcoholics if they want to quit, is, that this may be a step by step process - with complete uncertainty if the alcoholic will succeed or not. The question if these 2 bottles are his last ones or the next two or none of the next dozens is an open one. Not even about talking about true recovery after that. It was it for me too, I tapered off until one really was the last.
Yes, you are right, and it's a shame what harm alcoholics can cause.
What make me even "defend" drinking alcoholics if they want to quit, is, that this may be a step by step process - with complete uncertainty if the alcoholic will succeed or not. The question if these 2 bottles are his last ones or the next two or none of the next dozens is an open one. Not even about talking about true recovery after that. It was it for me too, I tapered off until one really was the last.
BUT none of that really changes the facts of the incident.
The children had to deal with this
He cant be relied on (at this point at least)
And the actions had negative impact on the whole family
In my situation, I had to sum up the whole thing in total and over time to make my decisions. Hard stuff.
RainingButtons,
Since the kids are safe, I hope you can finish off your trip with a little bit of rest. I saw your post a couple days ago and was so happy you were going to be getting away for the weekend. So I was sad to read what happened.
Update
Well I’m home and everyone is safe. AH acting like nothing’s different and hidden all trace of alcohol. Even went as far as making a little “joke” as he walked into a doorframe “that’s what drinking sparkling water does to you haha!”
He has also managed to add to his long string of failed basic responsibilities in a new spectacular way. He was driving his van for three days with the diesel gage beeping on low fuel and today it broke down at the side of a busy road. He called my DD and made her boyfriend go get a can of fuel with his father, and drive out to rescue him. Then he got our other neighbour out to try and jump start it. The diesel tank has got air in it now it won’t start and needs recovery so he’s abandoned it there. It’s got our house keys and car keys in it plus £6,000 worth of tools in the back. He’s managed to relax tonight perfectly ok. My DD is furious and embarrassed by him - she said he didn’t even thank her BF dad! I refuse to give a damn about the van. I haven’t said much about it, nor have I offered to help. it’s his problem. I am all out of s#%*ts to give tbh. I even half hope the flaming thing gets burgled.
He has also managed to add to his long string of failed basic responsibilities in a new spectacular way. He was driving his van for three days with the diesel gage beeping on low fuel and today it broke down at the side of a busy road. He called my DD and made her boyfriend go get a can of fuel with his father, and drive out to rescue him. Then he got our other neighbour out to try and jump start it. The diesel tank has got air in it now it won’t start and needs recovery so he’s abandoned it there. It’s got our house keys and car keys in it plus £6,000 worth of tools in the back. He’s managed to relax tonight perfectly ok. My DD is furious and embarrassed by him - she said he didn’t even thank her BF dad! I refuse to give a damn about the van. I haven’t said much about it, nor have I offered to help. it’s his problem. I am all out of s#%*ts to give tbh. I even half hope the flaming thing gets burgled.
He called my DD and made her boyfriend go get a can of fuel with his father, and drive out to rescue him. Then he got our other neighbour out to try and jump start it.
he didn't really MAKE (aka force) anyone to do anything. he is not THAT powerful.
i would certainly retrieve the keys, for safety. an abandoned vehicle will likely get towed in short order. well i guess that depends on where one lives but you did say it's on a busy road. that will likely lead to impound fees.
i am not saying you need to clean up his messes, but do consider the financial repercussions of his laissez faire attitude.
he didn't really MAKE (aka force) anyone to do anything. he is not THAT powerful.
i would certainly retrieve the keys, for safety. an abandoned vehicle will likely get towed in short order. well i guess that depends on where one lives but you did say it's on a busy road. that will likely lead to impound fees.
i am not saying you need to clean up his messes, but do consider the financial repercussions of his laissez faire attitude.
RainingButtons.....I think that Anvil makes a good point.....that the repercussions may fall back on you and the family, financially....and, at least get the keys....
Don't let your (natural) resentment of him cause you to bring more difficulty for you.....
(cutting off the nose to spite the face...lol)...
Don't let your (natural) resentment of him cause you to bring more difficulty for you.....
(cutting off the nose to spite the face...lol)...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)