RainingButtons

You are right. And no it’s not what I want or deserve. I spoke to my mum and the kids are all staying with her tonight. Otherwise I’d go home. But then he’d know that my daughter had been messaging me for sure if I did that. When I go home it’s time for me to tell my mum what’s been going on. But yeah this latest episode is not surprising and I was kind of expecting it. I’m just so sad for the kids that this is what their father is.

dandylion

RainingButtons.....when you had the "talk" with him....was there any discussion of him getting any help to quit?...or is he against it? Detox? Rehab?
Without outside help...or the motivation to accept outside help...the chances of him quitting, for good, approach zero....even if he could quit on his own...the kind of changes you are hoping for would , also, be slim....Putting down the bottle is one thing...but, the internal changes require more....a program of treatment that address the internal changes ...in other words...a life change...a life pivot....
If he simply is not there in desire and motivation to do what it takes (and it doesn't sound like he is)....it is good if you can recognize it for what it is....
At least, you can start addressing the true reality.......and, prepare yourself for what you need to do.....
You are not alone....as you are not the first woman/mother who has found herself in this situation....

FeelingGreat

I hope he isn't bluffing that they shouldn't communicate with you. There's no need for either of you to apologise if she tells you he's on the whiskey after a period of sobriety. Are you worried he will bully her?

Sailorgirl57

I’m wondering if he invited the boy to stay with him, allowed the girl to come home, then got hammered on purpose because he wanted to mess up your time alone. Feels very contrived and manipulative to me.

For me this would be the final straw. My breaking point. He is really screwing up your kids’ lives. I’d draw a line in the sand and not ever take him back.

I am not telling you what to do. I’m not judging you. Just offering my own perspective. You are a strong brave and loving woman. Only you know what is best for those precious children and for yourself.

We are here for you. We’ve been there. We support you. Please come back and let us know how you’re doing.

Love and hugs from Sailor ⚓️

aliciagr

This was an important concept for me to grasp, as a family member ThomPom. Thank you for mentioning it here. One of the ways it helped me was being better able to control my emotions, and in how I would form dialogue when something like this would happen. I found it tricky as a family member because as you said there can be a process of change that explains things like this (as in if my husband would drink and use drugs when I was away for a weekend - it was the norm. Then even after 2 months if Im away for a weekend it brings up the memory/trigger/opportunity and if there are not coping skills in place, a plan to handle these things then stuff like this happens).. But at the same time it could reflect the fact that he never wanted to stop and had been lying to pacify me, etc. That is a huge gap and how I thought about things affected my emotions, and the follow up discussion we would have.

BUT none of that really changes the facts of the incident.

The children had to deal with this
He cant be relied on (at this point at least)
And the actions had negative impact on the whole family

In my situation, I had to sum up the whole thing in total and over time to make my decisions. Hard stuff.

RainingButtons,
Since the kids are safe, I hope you can finish off your trip with a little bit of rest. I saw your post a couple days ago and was so happy you were going to be getting away for the weekend. So I was sad to read what happened.

RainingButtons

Well I’m home and everyone is safe. AH acting like nothing’s different and hidden all trace of alcohol. Even went as far as making a little “joke” as he walked into a doorframe “that’s what drinking sparkling water does to you haha!”

He has also managed to add to his long string of failed basic responsibilities in a new spectacular way. He was driving his van for three days with the diesel gage beeping on low fuel and today it broke down at the side of a busy road. He called my DD and made her boyfriend go get a can of fuel with his father, and drive out to rescue him. Then he got our other neighbour out to try and jump start it. The diesel tank has got air in it now it won’t start and needs recovery so he’s abandoned it there. It’s got our house keys and car keys in it plus £6,000 worth of tools in the back. He’s managed to relax tonight perfectly ok. My DD is furious and embarrassed by him - she said he didn’t even thank her BF dad! I refuse to give a damn about the van. I haven’t said much about it, nor have I offered to help. it’s his problem. I am all out of s#%*ts to give tbh. I even half hope the flaming thing gets burgled.

AnvilheadII

He called my DD and made her boyfriend go get a can of fuel with his father, and drive out to rescue him. Then he got our other neighbour out to try and jump start it.

he didn't really MAKE (aka force) anyone to do anything. he is not THAT powerful.

i would certainly retrieve the keys, for safety. an abandoned vehicle will likely get towed in short order. well i guess that depends on where one lives but you did say it's on a busy road. that will likely lead to impound fees.

i am not saying you need to clean up his messes, but do consider the financial repercussions of his laissez faire attitude.

dandylion

RainingButtons.....I think that Anvil makes a good point.....that the repercussions may fall back on you and the family, financially....and, at least get the keys....
Don't let your (natural) resentment of him cause you to bring more difficulty for you.....
(cutting off the nose to spite the face...lol)...