What is the AA definition of an amend?
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As a person who has used step work and therapy to work on healing I just want to add a small piece.
I had some really old festering wounds. I tried for years to wrap them up, like covering them up with gauze and tape and ignoring them and they would go away.
Step work and therapy helped me to open them up, clean them out, exam them and only then sew them up so they could actually heal.
Neither situation was fun, or easy. Frankly I had to sit with some uncomfortable feelings, but the end result is healing, recovery and freedom from my own challenges. I also have recently realized that I have trust in my process because I gave myself permission to do this again and again. That it may be hard and painful now but that growth often is.
In other words the healing for me was hard, and it would have been whichever process I did it through. It was worth it though.
It took me many years to ask the question you are asking now. It took me even longer to realize that it was less about another person and more about my own healing (what I did have control over).
I had some really old festering wounds. I tried for years to wrap them up, like covering them up with gauze and tape and ignoring them and they would go away.
Step work and therapy helped me to open them up, clean them out, exam them and only then sew them up so they could actually heal.
Neither situation was fun, or easy. Frankly I had to sit with some uncomfortable feelings, but the end result is healing, recovery and freedom from my own challenges. I also have recently realized that I have trust in my process because I gave myself permission to do this again and again. That it may be hard and painful now but that growth often is.
In other words the healing for me was hard, and it would have been whichever process I did it through. It was worth it though.
It took me many years to ask the question you are asking now. It took me even longer to realize that it was less about another person and more about my own healing (what I did have control over).
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 21
Thank you Tomsteve and BB, maybe as he is only on step 6 all will sort out in time.
I respectfully disagree Tomsteve, step 4 caused him to nearly take his life due to shame, regret and embarrassment, I used to “rescue” him, driving to his home if messages seemed cryptic... I took a step back as asked and didn’t check up on him as I normally would. It’s very stressful respecting his wishes while worrying if they’re alive. I feel it’s too much for some who may be more sensitive than others. The worry is that there’s no one qualified to recognise who could be at risk during the Steps. There was another attempted suicide in the group the same week. I digress. Thank you for the reading. I think he interprets it differently to me. I have been very emotionally and physically supportive as have most, more than the alcoholic will ever know or can remember. I guess that’s why it hurts so much but that seems to be another unremarkable commonality. Maybe he’ll be advised to contact her, maybe not. I have to let him get on with what he feels is right for his benefit and if that impacts on me personally and feels uncomfortable I have the option to walk away. X
I respectfully disagree Tomsteve, step 4 caused him to nearly take his life due to shame, regret and embarrassment, I used to “rescue” him, driving to his home if messages seemed cryptic... I took a step back as asked and didn’t check up on him as I normally would. It’s very stressful respecting his wishes while worrying if they’re alive. I feel it’s too much for some who may be more sensitive than others. The worry is that there’s no one qualified to recognise who could be at risk during the Steps. There was another attempted suicide in the group the same week. I digress. Thank you for the reading. I think he interprets it differently to me. I have been very emotionally and physically supportive as have most, more than the alcoholic will ever know or can remember. I guess that’s why it hurts so much but that seems to be another unremarkable commonality. Maybe he’ll be advised to contact her, maybe not. I have to let him get on with what he feels is right for his benefit and if that impacts on me personally and feels uncomfortable I have the option to walk away. X
I agree that the Steps are not necessarily a good thing for people with serious issues.
I decided in AA that I was NO WAY going to trust my inner landscape to a stranger in AA. The Steps open up a lot of trauma doors and AA sponsors are not trained to deal with that.
With that said, I would also suggest you stay out of his recovery. If he threatens suicide call 911. If he's serious he'll get the professional help he needs. If he isn't serious maybe he'll stop scaring you.
I decided in AA that I was NO WAY going to trust my inner landscape to a stranger in AA. The Steps open up a lot of trauma doors and AA sponsors are not trained to deal with that.
With that said, I would also suggest you stay out of his recovery. If he threatens suicide call 911. If he's serious he'll get the professional help he needs. If he isn't serious maybe he'll stop scaring you.
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Thank you Liferevivery, I some how didn’t see your post. That’s really helpful to read and let’s me see it as possibly a very long process. I’ve watched him lurch from one extreme to the other and observe it but I don’t usually comment. I hope you’re feeling a lot better now. I did suggest a therapist to run alongside but it’s only AA all the way for him.
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Bniblue, thank you. Yes, I’ll take a further step back but it’s difficult when I’m invited to listen for hours about his process/past/regrets/feelings. I’ll nod my head and agree as it’ll change within a week. As regards the suicidal announcements I usually hear about them afterwards but yes, that’d be a good idea as it’s a huge thing to hold/determine the seriousness of the risk factor involved.
I’m feeling less anxious now. You’ve all been so helpful . I’m very grateful. I hoe you’re all feeling good today and thank you very very much x
I’m feeling less anxious now. You’ve all been so helpful . I’m very grateful. I hoe you’re all feeling good today and thank you very very much x
I don't let anyone hold me hostage to their drama anymore.
It does take practice to detach, though. His stuff is his stuff, and you aren't a therapist are you?
I think if it is disturbing to you then you have the right to say so. "I'm sorry, it's really hard for me to hear you tell me this. Can we take a break on this for today and maybe come back together when you're feeling better?"
I mean, other peoples' moods are a little contagious. If all you're getting from him is angst and worry and fear, it's understandable that you feel uncomfortable.
I've told more than one friend that I just can't listen to them "vent" (AKA complain) anymore. Usually that works out well. Sometimes not, but it's worth it to me.
Only problems I can solve are my own and I have enough on my plate with that.
It does take practice to detach, though. His stuff is his stuff, and you aren't a therapist are you?
I think if it is disturbing to you then you have the right to say so. "I'm sorry, it's really hard for me to hear you tell me this. Can we take a break on this for today and maybe come back together when you're feeling better?"
I mean, other peoples' moods are a little contagious. If all you're getting from him is angst and worry and fear, it's understandable that you feel uncomfortable.
I've told more than one friend that I just can't listen to them "vent" (AKA complain) anymore. Usually that works out well. Sometimes not, but it's worth it to me.
Only problems I can solve are my own and I have enough on my plate with that.
Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Those two short sentences from the book of AA sum up the problem quite well. In early recovery those characteristics simply manifested in new ways. At six months I asked my wife - so, things are getting better / I am more tolerable right?
Her response - You are so much more of jerk now than before.
My point is that it takes a lot of time to get to know ourselves in recovery. It is a grueling process that my experience shows cannot be rushed, regardless of how fast steps are worked.
Many of us wanted to spread the magic to others, part of which was extensive self deprecation. The truth is I wasn't the best at being worst or the worst at being best. Just another human being trying to correct my wrongs.
Maybe someone has posted this already, but amends are made as justice towards others, but for the alcoholic. Looking up old flames to tell them we wrong is typically a really bad idea. This is where a good sponsor comes in and can clarify the Who we owes amends to and who we will make others amends to some by leaving them alone.
Kudos to you for your willingness to be there. Spouses have no obligation to listen to all our ramblings - refer to quote at top!
Lastly, I was taught we start by making amends by stating - I was wrong when..... Then we ask if there is a way we can make the other person whole.
Living amends to my wife and family in my case is more critical than anything. They heard I am sorry enough. Real change takes action, time and in my experience Grace.
Best,
Fly
Those two short sentences from the book of AA sum up the problem quite well. In early recovery those characteristics simply manifested in new ways. At six months I asked my wife - so, things are getting better / I am more tolerable right?
Her response - You are so much more of jerk now than before.
My point is that it takes a lot of time to get to know ourselves in recovery. It is a grueling process that my experience shows cannot be rushed, regardless of how fast steps are worked.
Many of us wanted to spread the magic to others, part of which was extensive self deprecation. The truth is I wasn't the best at being worst or the worst at being best. Just another human being trying to correct my wrongs.
Maybe someone has posted this already, but amends are made as justice towards others, but for the alcoholic. Looking up old flames to tell them we wrong is typically a really bad idea. This is where a good sponsor comes in and can clarify the Who we owes amends to and who we will make others amends to some by leaving them alone.
Kudos to you for your willingness to be there. Spouses have no obligation to listen to all our ramblings - refer to quote at top!
Lastly, I was taught we start by making amends by stating - I was wrong when..... Then we ask if there is a way we can make the other person whole.
Living amends to my wife and family in my case is more critical than anything. They heard I am sorry enough. Real change takes action, time and in my experience Grace.
Best,
Fly
Yes, I’ll take a further step back but it’s difficult when I’m invited to listen for hours about his process/past/regrets/feelings.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Thank you all. I’ve read all of the last 3 replies and I’m very grateful. You’re all much wiser than me but I think I’m done. I had a hospital appointment today and am awaiting the results. I hope I’ll be ok but my recovering bf of years decided he couldn’t accompany me after all because he had a meeting.
I’m stunned at the lack of compassion by someone going to meetings to connect with their higher power and who’s learning to ‘be a better person’. A friend remembered and offered to come with me or collect my child from school if needed. He did the latter then cooked our dinner . I went to every hypochondriac hospital appointment with him. AA /his recovery is more important than my feelings, my fear, my need for support once-just once. I’m so shocked I’m beyond angry- just numb from disbelief. I can’t explain/excuse that action away. He’s thinking obsessively about his amends while too busy to accompany me to see how ill i am. Camels and eyes of needles come to mind. Maybe I’ll get an amend letter about it which I will use to wipe my a$$. I’m done x
I’m stunned at the lack of compassion by someone going to meetings to connect with their higher power and who’s learning to ‘be a better person’. A friend remembered and offered to come with me or collect my child from school if needed. He did the latter then cooked our dinner . I went to every hypochondriac hospital appointment with him. AA /his recovery is more important than my feelings, my fear, my need for support once-just once. I’m so shocked I’m beyond angry- just numb from disbelief. I can’t explain/excuse that action away. He’s thinking obsessively about his amends while too busy to accompany me to see how ill i am. Camels and eyes of needles come to mind. Maybe I’ll get an amend letter about it which I will use to wipe my a$$. I’m done x
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