mamabear26

I am so thankful I found this website. I am in the process of divorcing my soon to be XAH. We have two sons' 10 and 6. They visit with him on the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends every month from 9am-2pm (day time only). This last weekend I finally had communication with him after about a month of no communication. My soon to be XAH took my sons out in the pouring rain to bike ride on Saturday. My parents went to pick them up at 2pm they had different clothes that I did not send them and a bag with the soaking wet clothes I sent them with. My older son has asthma and visited the ER last month because he was very sick, his asthma flared up and he couldn't breath. I told his father when we were in the ER he never showed up and didn't even call. I sent him a text after they got home on Saturday and told him not to ever take them out in the pouring rain to bike ride because our older son gets easily sick. His responses were: "you don't tell me whats going on with them", "its about the kids not me and you", "we are done" and "keep the hatred to myself". I never mentioned to him anything about me or him just about the boys health. I confronted him about dinner charges a few months back I saw on a bank statement apparently he has had a gf. I told him he needed to turn in divorce papers and move on. He has been so mean to me ever since I confronted him. He has not consistent in being involved with the kids. He continues to blame me for every single problem or issues in his life. For example, "he doesn't have enough money to leave his parents house because he pays me child support and alimony, its my fault" and "I don't allow him to be a father." I still am seeing the same behavior as when we lived together. He charged up a 6,000 dollar credit card in a few months to pay for his gas station and liquor store visits. He has been at a negative in our joint account every month. Last month he was at -450. He will not contact our sons when his gf is around. I need advice on how to deal with him as far as coparenting? I try my best (sometimes fail) at keeping limited communication with him. We have had several conversation about what I expect from his as a father. He states he will do it but he never follows through. I feel so broken. I know I cant control him or anything he does and I am not trying to. I just don't know why he is so angry and mean to me. His father make it so much worse because they enable his drinking and behavior. I feel like its me up against him and his family. I have been their for him through all the horrible drunken days and nights. Cleaned up his bodily fluids everywhere in the house. I just don't understand how he could treat me this way. Ive known him since I was 17 and I am the mother of his children. I struggle with finding an effective way on how to properly co-parent with him. Advice/feedback would greatly be appreciated?

Bekindalways

This must be so absolutely painful MB26. I haven't been in this position so can't offer any practical experience.

In this mess, I hope you can squeeze in a bit of self care which is always hard even in the best of times.

SparkleKitty

Mamabear as hard as it seems, it's time to stop spending any energy on why he acts the way he acts. He's an addict; that's what addicts do. If you can accept that, you can get to working on the real problem: co-parenting.

What's best for your kids? Figure that out, tell your lawyer, and fight for it in the divorce.

Not what's best for him. And not dealing with the parent he says he wants to be, but the parent he actually is.

AnvilheadII

i think you need to really lower the bar here.....as far as what you can expect from him. something slightly above ZERO.

i see you mention JOINT account. suggestion - get yourself off that account, open a new one, do not co-mingle any funds any longer. apologies if i misread that part.

sadly, there is no law against taking your own children bike riding in the rain. just make sure kids are prepared when they go to "visit". at least he didn't send them home naked.....

no more convos on your expectations of his behavior as an anything. you have spoken, he isn't listening. save your breath to cool your soup, as the ole saying goes.

consider that you are NOT co-PARENTING. YOU are parenting......he's VISITING. drop any notions that he is somehow suddenly miraculously going to turn into Father of the Year.

it is what it is. even if we don't like it, it still IS WHAT IT IS.

if he won't sign, i am sure there are next legal steps to up the pressure??? consult your attorney!

his animosity is likely in part due to the fact that you stood up to him. that you said NO. that you aren't drinking the juice.

Robinz

Divorce is sooooo hard.
Some things will get better and some won’t. My XAH actually gave up drinking-about 16 years after our divorce but he is still sober. He turned into a MUCH better dad but it took 16 years.
I wouldn’t wait around for yours to change any time soon. Good luck and focus on YOU!

FreedomCA

Focus on what you are in control of and let go of the rest.

mamabear26

Thank you Bekindalways for being so supportive. I do take time out for self care. I go to the gym about 3-4 times a week. I just recently taken up boxing and yoga. I'm trying to do different activities to keep myself busy especially when the kids are visiting with him.

mamabear26

SparkleKitty thank for your advice. I know I drive myself crazy sometimes trying to figure out why he does what he does but there will never be a clear answer. Co-parenting is the hardest thing I have had to do so far in my life with someone who has an addiction. We have had many arguments regarding the kids. I just don't see and feel like he has their best interest at heart so that is why I have always had to make the important decisions (health, education and religion). Right now we have a court order visitation in place and it seems to be working okay. However, I wish I can add more stipulation regarding visitation which I am going to talk to my lawyer about. I'm trying to do what is best for them but I second guess myself from time to time so that is why I try to seek advice from others who have gone through what I am going through.

mamabear26

Thank you AnvilheadII for the advice. I know the codependent part of me still holds hope that he will get better because I have seen the good in him in the past. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that he is not gonna change anytime soon.

We still have a joint account but my check does not get deposited in there. I have my own separate account. He still deposits his check in there. Ive asked him to get his own account and he finally did recently but he only puts a few hundred into his private bank account. He still has bills that automatically with draw from our "old" joint account. The reason why I haven't taken my name off of the account is because that is how I am collecting my child support and alimony payments. I did open up a child support case in my state and they are taking forever to setup my direct deposit payments. I will close that account for good when my direct deposit payments go through.

That is a good way of looking at it I AM PARENTING, he is just VISITING. Thank you for that new perspective. Its been a tough pill to swallow but slowly everyday I am coming to terms that everything that has happened is my reality and will not change anytime soon.

I have a court date at the end of the month so hopefully we can wrap of the divorce so I can begin to fully heal and move forward.

I do agree, once I called him out on his crap he flipped the switch and is acting heartless towards me. I'm not gonna take his crap anymore.

hopeful4

So sorry, you have gotten good advise but I just wanted to send you some additional support! Keep talking to your attorney, and keep taking good care of you!

mamabear26

Thank you for the advice Hopeful4 I appreciate it!