7yearwait

I dated my exAH for a year and a half before we married. I knew he drank a lot ! but i never had any experience with alcoholics before him (I guess you can say i was inexperienced/ in denial/naive) He was the perfect kind, generous, fun husband . We got married 7 years ago I soon discovered that he drank moonshine that ate away at his brain (we live in a dry country) I went to bed alone every night and I spent most nights worrying if he had fallen or passed out , i frequently had to get up at 5 am to check if he left something in the oven all night that would burn the house down (I caught a fire starting once or twice). We had sex probably once a year ( he wasn't sober enough but gave a multitude of excuses of why we couldn’t) and In all i slept on average 4 hours a night because I spent nights picking him up off the floor when he fell over drunk (his slippers were slippery, I placed a dining chair in the wrong place, there was spilled water on the staircase, were all his excuses NEVER the alcohol). He also barely ever ate 170 cm tall weighing in at 55 kilos.
he would stumble into the bedroom around 4 am , turn on the lights and the TV (that’s if i didn't have to collect him off the couch or floor) and I went to work in the morning resentful, angry, sad, and hating my life. He didn't work for the first 6 years of marriage (long story there) so he didn't have to wake up until around 6 pm everyday. by 7 he was drunk again..... we would regularly get into arguments and screaming fights over his drinking ( he denied he ever had a problem, Im the one with the problem). We would check into hospital 2 times a year because he had acute pancreatitis (of course doctors exaggerated, he checked himself out 4 days into treatment after fighting with the hospital staff) At one point 2 years into the marriage i left him and forced him into rehab . he went for 45 days and drank himself into oblivion on the flight back , claiming that the only thing he learned in rehab was how to " play with fire and not get burned" and also " how to drink responsibly" (yeah right that’s exactly what they teach you with the 12 step program) the drunk/ dry dry drunk battle went on for years until my mom got diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and I had to be her sole caretaker for the remaining 9 months of her life, he showed up to hospital drunk on occasion while visiting her and it broke her heart.
I was left caring for my terminally ill mother from 7 am to 7 pm, then arrived home to battle it out with my crazy belligerent ill mannered drunk husband from 7 pm until he or I passed out (me from exhaustion, him from drunken rage) . It would only take a small mishap to send him into an all out rage. My constant nagging was the reason he drank. And when I would bring it up to him the next morning he would act as if it never happened and that I exaggerated. I video recorded him on my phone and showed him his actions the next morning for him to believe what he had done. his response? " you’re out to get me and how dare you record me, you've violated the trust in our marriage!? " He would always tell me that " no matter what he does nothing would ever please me", he used to be drunk 24/7 and now he was only drunk after work (didn't i appreciate that he now for the past year had a job and only drank in the evenings? ).. My mom passed away in late 2016 and he was hospitalized with a fatty liver, and pancreatitis 2 weeks later (I resent him for not allowing me to grieve)
Again after his hospitalization he made promises to change and quit for a month , we decided to start fresh and try IVF to have a child ( i wanted children at this point and didnt care how I got them or if he was even around to raise them ) after taking the hormones , it was time to do the embryo transfer, he asked me to postpone the procedure because it wasn’t the right time for him! (are you kidding me you cannot just delay final stages of treatment when doing IVF) so I went through with it anyway and left him that same day and moved in with my dad!
I eventually was diagnosed with abnormal atypical pre-eclampsia ( high blood pressure) at 5 months and was a step away from kidney failure and had to abort the pregnancy ( I was in hospital for a month and he visited me 10 times sporadically). That was 1 year ago and today as I write this I am grateful for the baby I lost because it took me almost losing my life and the loss of my baby to realize that I may be married on paper but I am ALONE .
I filed for divorce and it was finalized on April 1st.

Im 34 years old, I have fully recovered from hospitalization, I appreciate the life that was given back to me, and I realize that the only person who can change him is HIM. I am grateful for a good nights sleep without the constant worry. I know that I'm not old but I'm scared to start over at 34, I miss my mom, i miss my baby, and I miss the real him every day. I know the real him is in there somewhere, and I hope he gets help before he completely gives in to wet brain. I have day dreams that he will call me in a years times telling me hes been sober for a year but I have to check myself right after (the thing about alcoholism,,,,its a FOREVER disease) I don't want to go back and live in fear that maybe in 1,2, or 10 years he will relapse,,, I feel that I have paid my dues and its time for someone to love me the way I loved him.
some days I'm angry, some days i cry all day, and some days I regret not leaving sooner...... I'm starting my journey for recovery, does the sadness ever go away? unfortunately there’s no AL-ANON where i live (middle east).

appoligies for sp mistakes and rambling
and much love to those still going through this bitter battle, message me if i can help in any way

honeypig

7yearwait, thank you for taking the time and effort to share your story here. I'm so glad you're finally out of this marriage and away from this man. I wish you peace and healing going forward. You've surely paid your dues...

RainingButtons

Wow. I just want to say what a very brave lady you are. I’m sorry about your mum and your baby and that you had to go through that. I’m still in limbo - it’s early days for me in my own situation so I can’t offer great advice but this forum has been a god send for me so far. Thanks for posting. Sending you love and strength and healing xx

LovePeaceSushi

Thank you for sharing your story. I can't offer anything else to you other than congratulations on your new life. You sound like a very smart, very strong woman. I know good things are coming your way. ((hugs))

FreedomCA

I thought I was a saint until I read your story! You are still so young. I am 38 and have been married to AH for 8 years. I am also an alcoholic in recovery with 10 days sober. We have decided to cancel the divorce since he is getting help in inpatient rehab and has agreed to go to meetings after as well as couples counseling. Similar to you, I now have to live with the fear of relapse. I talked to my mom about it today, and she said that at least he has a place to go (his parents) if he relapses.

7yearwait

I thank you for calling me brave! i actually cried when i read your reply.. I don't think of myself as brave. Brave is packing up and leaving at first realization of the magnitude of alcoholism and its effects on family life.... It took me 7 years, many failed attempts at rehab and quitting,, but the final straw was me being in the hospital and him using rush hour traffic as a reason for not showing up to see me.......... something inside me snapped! I couldn't have this kind of disappointment in my or my future children's lives... my health was affected by his selfishness......I thought to myself " I gave him time, energy, compassion, love, loss of sleep, but I WILL NOT GIVE HIM MY HEALTH or die for him" .........
Trust me this decision didn't come without cost, everyone keeps telling me i made the right decision but I did not JUST make the decision : I HAD to make the decision ! I also had to pay thousands of dollars in legal fees, he got the house (man always gets the house in our culture), I left with nothing other than bills (my hospital bills, his hospital bills, moving bills..)...

I used to see my family and friends enjoying holidays and daily routines and I found myself wishing for stability ( a basic human right), every time my sister or friend would complain about marital issue i would listen in silence and think to myself " lady you don't know how good you have it"

please keep reading this forum, you will see that all our stories are similar, all the lies and the untruths , all the excuses, all the broken promises. you may change dates, names and locations but we are all in the same story... I read the forum for years before I decided to post. Read it on your darkest days, you are not alone,, if I can make it through 2 deaths and a divorce in a year,,, anyone can,,,,,, I am not that strong,, I still read the forum everyday and night (sometimes i read it at work)....... I left him but i still think of him every waking hour,,,, Im very very scared to start over but please trust me, if you are afraid of being alone (like me) also believe that you are currently in essence alone with a hint of denial ........

One day your time will come, be kind to yourself , you have done the best you can ,, don't ever let him tell you otherwise (remember you will never change him, only he can change himself)

some days are hard (again read the forum, it helps) but i love being liberated from his alcoholic prison and crazy hamster wheel going nowhere...

Thank you for your response and I hope you find your peace soon (huge hugssss)

7yearwait

Congratulations on your path to recovery!! :group hug: may I ask what lead to you getting sober??

Like i said before, I am no saint,,, I was put in a corner where my life, my sanity, and my future depended on it,,, this was the only time when the "grass was greener on the other side" was true,,,, I look at how "normal" people live,,, I wanted to give myself a chance at normalcy ...... Im done with crazy......
I am also glad o hear that you are both trying to recover, I know from experience that the early months are tough..... I would recommend you stay away from each other until the initial few months are finished,,, I say this because i know how agitated and angry alcohol withdrawal can make you and I would hate for that to cause you or your partner to relapse!,,, I know from experience that changing your location (maybe moving in with your mom for a few months?) and getting a new routine can also help .......start fresh,, change everything that reminds you of alcohol..... shift your furniture around,, take a different route to work,,, see friends who encourage sobriety,,,,,,,keep yourself busy.....the longer you stay away from it the better the chance of maintaining sobriety ( please keep that in mind)
you need your own crutch so please don't try to be his (your mom is right, he can call his parents)....

I will say a prayer for your and send you love well wishes ,,, I am rooting for you to be a success story,,, you are responsible for yourself only please stay strong,,, relapsing is a choice, please don't choose it

7yearwait

I thank you for your well wishes... your simple statement " I know good things are coming your way" just makes my day! i re read it a few times

OpheliaKatz

7yr. Thank you for posting your story. What you went through with the loss of your baby is heartbreaking. I got away in my 40s. I relate to the thing you said so much. I also have fantasy moments where I wish the old him were back... and then I have to remind myself that addiction is forever. I hope that for us survivors, that the sadness is not forever too.