2kind4me

Hello all
Per your suggestions and apparently common sense, I have been reading “Codeoendent No More”. I don’t think I’m a an extremely codependent person but I know I am definitely codependent. My parents were not addicts however they divorced when I was about 10. I desperately wanted my father in my life and he married then adopted his wife’s kids, essentially creating a new family. He was then very inconsistently available to me. My mother became immediately preoccupied with dating. I’ve had enough therapy to know that this all taught me to be #2 and to wait for love. It also taught me to put up with not having my needs met and other crap. “You can’t break up with your parents”. I ended up marrying and divorcing a narcissist but my best friend is an alcoholic and my current relationship of 5 years is with an alcoholic.
I’m sorry for the long, boring, personal story. I think I write it mostly because I’m trying to justify why I’m so bad at relationships. (Laughing!!). I’m smart and successful in my social work career but suck at this part of my life.
Can anyone relate To becoming codependent as a result of unavailable parents rather than addicted ones?
(Feeling dumb for posting this but here I go anyway )
2kind....

AnvilheadII

most of us find that a lot of our "stuff" goes back to Family Of Origin. as children we have a very limited spectrum of influence.....our parents or caregivers being our primary source for role models. we become products of that environment.

addiction has no claim on codependency....it just tends to show up a LOT in such relationships. also addiction can "skip" generations but still have the effects on those generations as IF addiction were rampant.

you are on a journey.....and making good progress. stay open minded, don't discount things because they first don't seem to fit......or things that you don't WANT to fit. i remember the first ACOA book i read.....thankfully it was a paperback, cuz it got some good airtime!! i couldn't accept what was being presented, so i'd throw the book across the room, banging off a wall and left lying on the floor. then later, hours or day???, i'd pick it up and start reading again.

Katiekate

Co dependency comes in many forms, it is really a taught behavior in a lot of cases, our parents and other significant adults in our lives teach us how to be in relationship. You are not dumb at all, as adults we look for relationships that we feel comfy in a lot of the time we feel comfortable in codependen relationships, I did it many times in my life. It became important for me to examine myself , I felt it was the only way I could find peace in my life, I am still examining

2kind4me

i remember the first ACOA book i read.....thankfully it was a paperback, cuz it got some good airtime!! i couldn't accept what was being presented, so i'd throw the book across the room, banging off a wall and left lying on the floor. then later, hours or day???, i'd pick it up and start reading again.[/QUOTE]

Hahaha. I have put down CNM a few times and skipped some parts but I do keep going back to it. I’m working on detaching - cognitively and emotionally. I feel that come and go...
thank you

Berrybean

Even the meetings that were traditionally ACOA no longer restrict themselves by saying it's just for people whose parents were alcoholic, but open to anyone who had dysfunctional parents. I found their Adult Child handbook very useful. I needed to recognise just what faulty coping strategies I'd learned and recognise that they no longer serve me well so I can go ahead and learn different ways of thinking and responding (to others, and to my own emotions).

BB

LifeRecovery

I did not grow up with addiction directly in any way shape or form.

I know my maternal grandfather was an alcoholic and I suspect my paternal grandmother was.

Why I say that is that though there was no direct addiction in my life there was a TON of untreated codependent behaviors which I latched on to.

This next statement is made gently but actually the fact that I was good at my job (in the helping professions also), but struggled at relationships (mainly because of the people I was choosing to be in relationship with) was a sign in retrospect of my codependent tendencies. I continue to struggle with work-life balance as work can be a refugee for me as it is something I can "manage/control." I am not saying it is the same for you.

2kind4me

Hi there. My work is a refuge. I have 3 jobs actually. I go from the extreme of working from awake to asleep then spend days doing literally nothing. I’ve been trying to figure out what I want to do with my career but feel directionless. Anyway, my maternal grandmother was an alcoholic and my mother talks about it often. I’m sure there are some codependent issues w her too. Anyway. Just agreeing. Did a lot of reading this weekend which was helpful

LifeRecovery

I suspect you feel burnt out and "guilty" about doing nothing? Also if you could "just" manage your time better it would not have to be that way.

I am not trying to mock....I have similar challenges with my three jobs too.

2kind4me

Yep!! “I deserve to relax”. “Why did I waste the whole day...?” This weekend I did food prep and cook for myself so that’s progress. Have a good week. I hope it goes easy on you.