Need Input: DO I Forewarn Her re: Divorce?
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Oh boy. COD...I am not being a negative Nelly, but there is no way I would walk into a custody case with an alcoholic with a new practicing attorney. They need experience she is not going to have, they need to be tough as nails, and familiar with the judges and GALs in your area. Of course I am not telling you what to do, but maybe have this conversation with them.
Glad you are healing friend!
Glad you are healing friend!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Don’t forget that you can always cancel the divorce. I would only tell her if you were using that info for leverage to get her to change her ways. But you may be too far along for that. If so I wouldn’t tell her. Just serve her. Let the chips fall where they may. She should stop drinking and behaving poorly
QUOTE=CentralOhioDad;6855740]Good Morning, Everyone!!
Yesterday was the first day back to work, and I was swamped with people stopping by and catching up on all the crazy stuff I missed in the two weeks I was out.
I have read all the responses, and I thank you for your thoughts and wisdom. I haven't had a chance to respond to individual posts yet, but I will - you guys always make me think, and that's a good thing. I will say that I'm leaning to the "don't tell" action, I think that will make things worse.
Secondly, I received an email from my atty. yesterday, and I'm being passed off to a new (new to the firm, not to lawyering) atty in the practice. I'm not real fond of surprises like that, and expressed that. She called me and we had a talk - since my case isn't far along, it's easier to transition me now. Also, since I'm "easy to get along with", she didn't want to drop a "difficult" client onto the new girl. I also expressed my displeasure for spending more money to get acquainted with someone new. I was told that they would talk and transition everything with no-charge to me, and that I would get face-to-face time with the new atty at no-charge to me. That did help me to feel better.
Now to break in someone new. Uuugghh. I'll keep ya posted, and also respond to your posts.
COD[/QUOTE]
QUOTE=CentralOhioDad;6855740]Good Morning, Everyone!!
Yesterday was the first day back to work, and I was swamped with people stopping by and catching up on all the crazy stuff I missed in the two weeks I was out.
I have read all the responses, and I thank you for your thoughts and wisdom. I haven't had a chance to respond to individual posts yet, but I will - you guys always make me think, and that's a good thing. I will say that I'm leaning to the "don't tell" action, I think that will make things worse.
Secondly, I received an email from my atty. yesterday, and I'm being passed off to a new (new to the firm, not to lawyering) atty in the practice. I'm not real fond of surprises like that, and expressed that. She called me and we had a talk - since my case isn't far along, it's easier to transition me now. Also, since I'm "easy to get along with", she didn't want to drop a "difficult" client onto the new girl. I also expressed my displeasure for spending more money to get acquainted with someone new. I was told that they would talk and transition everything with no-charge to me, and that I would get face-to-face time with the new atty at no-charge to me. That did help me to feel better.
Now to break in someone new. Uuugghh. I'll keep ya posted, and also respond to your posts.
COD[/QUOTE]
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Oh boy. COD...I am not being a negative Nelly, but there is no way I would walk into a custody case with an alcoholic with a new practicing attorney. They need experience she is not going to have, they need to be tough as nails, and familiar with the judges and GALs in your area. Of course I am not telling you what to do, but maybe have this conversation with them.
Glad you are healing friend!
Glad you are healing friend!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
since this is not a "flight for life" situation, whereby you need to climb out the window in the middle of the night and run for it, i think a heads up is "fair" - however you need a timeline and a plan.
for example, upon being served, is it expected that she will immediately pack her things and leave the premises? i know if i was faced with such, i would need some TIME to gather ALL my belongings, since they are stuffed in every corner, closet, drawer, bookshelf, to say nothing of the garage, so it would not be possible for me to gather it all in one go.
so that circles us back to what is the PLAN. is she expected to just go, crash at a hotel until she finds an apartment?
does she get one or two more weeks of home life?
what if she says NO and doesn't budge? are you then willing to leave the home, taking DS with you? and go where? for how long? once you leave, you put yourself in a tricky situation to reclaim possession of the domicile.
i'd get all that ironed out FIRST. so you are clear, no wobbling, and a plan of action crafted with military precision.
for example, upon being served, is it expected that she will immediately pack her things and leave the premises? i know if i was faced with such, i would need some TIME to gather ALL my belongings, since they are stuffed in every corner, closet, drawer, bookshelf, to say nothing of the garage, so it would not be possible for me to gather it all in one go.
so that circles us back to what is the PLAN. is she expected to just go, crash at a hotel until she finds an apartment?
does she get one or two more weeks of home life?
what if she says NO and doesn't budge? are you then willing to leave the home, taking DS with you? and go where? for how long? once you leave, you put yourself in a tricky situation to reclaim possession of the domicile.
i'd get all that ironed out FIRST. so you are clear, no wobbling, and a plan of action crafted with military precision.
In Ohio, you have to live separately for 30 days prior to finalizing the divorce, so at some point we will be moving. Since I want things to calm a bit before approaching DS with the news, then he staying in the house probably is preferable, at least until the news is made public to DS.
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
I believe you are overthinking this. I haven't been around this forum that long, but I note that you joined in 2012. That's six years of not-divorcing. Have things gotten better? Are they likely to get better if you continue not-divorcing? I think they are likely to get worse.
There are, as Paul Simon says, "fifty ways to leave your [spouse]", but they all come down to the same thing - you have had enough, this is not healthy, it is best for you and DS that this marriage come to an end. This knowledge is what's going to make your wife freak out, and there's no way you can move ahead without her having this knowledge. Ultimately it won't matter whether you told her before or after the papers arrive.
I am wondering if your hesitation here is a way of hanging onto the illusion that you have some control over this situation - if you find the "best" way to tell her, you can minimize the fallout, and by pondering the "best" way you can put off actually telling her while also clinging to the belief that your actions will shape her behavior. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh - it is a dynamic that is familiar to me, as a chronic overfunctioner in various difficult situations. It's hard to let go of the hope that I can find the "right" way to proceed if I just think about it enough.
There are, as Paul Simon says, "fifty ways to leave your [spouse]", but they all come down to the same thing - you have had enough, this is not healthy, it is best for you and DS that this marriage come to an end. This knowledge is what's going to make your wife freak out, and there's no way you can move ahead without her having this knowledge. Ultimately it won't matter whether you told her before or after the papers arrive.
I am wondering if your hesitation here is a way of hanging onto the illusion that you have some control over this situation - if you find the "best" way to tell her, you can minimize the fallout, and by pondering the "best" way you can put off actually telling her while also clinging to the belief that your actions will shape her behavior. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh - it is a dynamic that is familiar to me, as a chronic overfunctioner in various difficult situations. It's hard to let go of the hope that I can find the "right" way to proceed if I just think about it enough.
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
COD you said this in 2012 :-
I'm keeping a log of what she's doing, in the sad event I need to make a split and keep custody of our precious 2 year-old. As I've said all along, it's all about him and keeping him safe and keeping this ugly disease away from him as much as I can.
Your son is now a precious 8 year old. How much longer do you need to take action? You have gone above and beyond.
I'm keeping a log of what she's doing, in the sad event I need to make a split and keep custody of our precious 2 year-old. As I've said all along, it's all about him and keeping him safe and keeping this ugly disease away from him as much as I can.
Your son is now a precious 8 year old. How much longer do you need to take action? You have gone above and beyond.
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I am going to go ahead and not forewarn. What happens, happens, and I have to learn that I can't control everything and every situation. I'm responsible for me and DS at this point, all she has is vile words for me.
And you're right, I don't like quitting. And it scares the bejeebers out of me that I may not see DS every day if that's the judgement that is handed down.
Thanks for everyone's thoughts, concerns, and support.
COD
And you're right, I don't like quitting. And it scares the bejeebers out of me that I may not see DS every day if that's the judgement that is handed down.
Thanks for everyone's thoughts, concerns, and support.
COD
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Originally Posted by Refiner
The attorney is “new to the firm, not to lawyering “.
COD, I respect your decision totally. I think you just have to be aware of what you can or cannot do about things. You say she can stay there if she is not more vile than she is now. Well, with her history, I would say that she will become a vile, mean drunk pretty quickly. So, take the next step. What can you do about that. Be prepared mentally to take some drastic steps if need be (involve police) because if you are not, you may not have any power to do anything about it. Family court is slow, and alcoholism is not on the radar for many judges. Frankly, they are trying to figure out what to do with parents with needles hanging out of their arms in front of their kids.
Big hugs to you. I am not trying to discourage you, simply to get you to prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
And that log is now up to 357 pages and 343K+ words.
Whoa. This is a mind blowing statistic!!!
Fingers crossed COD, nothing about this will be easy, but you've done every possible thing to prepare.
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You got this, COD.
Things happen as they are going to, things come to us as we need them, and logically....if we have some Faith - and it sounds like you do - then we KNOW it's all going to work out just fine. You will take things as they come, and you will keep doing the next right things. Sending you my best in the next part of your journey!!
Things happen as they are going to, things come to us as we need them, and logically....if we have some Faith - and it sounds like you do - then we KNOW it's all going to work out just fine. You will take things as they come, and you will keep doing the next right things. Sending you my best in the next part of your journey!!
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Well, with her history, I would say that she will become a vile, mean drunk pretty quickly. So, take the next step. What can you do about that. Be prepared mentally to take some drastic steps if need be (involve police) because if you are not, you may not have any power to do anything about it.
Yeah I agree with this. Having done exactly what you are doing my options ran out pretty quickly. As soon as my exah knew divorce was looming he got really nasty, really quickly and got very, very drunk all the time. He got support on his side and made sure HIS lifestyle was in no way under threat. He threatened to take my sons away if I didn't do this and that and got physical with me...it was a very, very long 6 weeks until we parted ways and ultimately I had to leave the house cos he engineered it and refused to move out. Looking back I wish I had left then served cos me and my kids got put through a lot.
However we got through it and we are out the other side and so will you
Yeah I agree with this. Having done exactly what you are doing my options ran out pretty quickly. As soon as my exah knew divorce was looming he got really nasty, really quickly and got very, very drunk all the time. He got support on his side and made sure HIS lifestyle was in no way under threat. He threatened to take my sons away if I didn't do this and that and got physical with me...it was a very, very long 6 weeks until we parted ways and ultimately I had to leave the house cos he engineered it and refused to move out. Looking back I wish I had left then served cos me and my kids got put through a lot.
However we got through it and we are out the other side and so will you
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
Well, with her history, I would say that she will become a vile, mean drunk pretty quickly. So, take the next step. What can you do about that. Be prepared mentally to take some drastic steps if need be (involve police) because if you are not, you may not have any power to do anything about it.
Yeah I agree with this. Having done exactly what you are doing my options ran out pretty quickly. As soon as my exah knew divorce was looming he got really nasty, really quickly and got very, very drunk all the time. He got support on his side and made sure HIS lifestyle was in no way under threat. He threatened to take my sons away if I didn't do this and that and got physical with me...it was a very, very long 6 weeks until we parted ways and ultimately I had to leave the house cos he engineered it and refused to move out. Looking back I wish I had left then served cos me and my kids got put through a lot.
However we got through it and we are out the other side and so will you
Yeah I agree with this. Having done exactly what you are doing my options ran out pretty quickly. As soon as my exah knew divorce was looming he got really nasty, really quickly and got very, very drunk all the time. He got support on his side and made sure HIS lifestyle was in no way under threat. He threatened to take my sons away if I didn't do this and that and got physical with me...it was a very, very long 6 weeks until we parted ways and ultimately I had to leave the house cos he engineered it and refused to move out. Looking back I wish I had left then served cos me and my kids got put through a lot.
However we got through it and we are out the other side and so will you
1) She gets nastier, then calmly say, "If this continues you're going to have to leave the house until this is finalized. If you continue acting like this in front of DS, YOU will leave me no other choice to have a judge order you to move."
2) If she gets more abusive/almost physical, "If YOUR behavior continues, I will contact the police department and get a restraining order against you. DS will not be subject to this behavior anymore."
2) HER --- "I'm going to take DS away from you. You'll never see him again." YOUR RESPONSE --- "A judge will decide what is ultimately best for DS. You do what you need to do."
When my XH and I separated (Ohio, too), he tried a few tactics (#3 specifically). I know he was hurt and upset, but I stayed calm (didn't want any of my reactions used against me in court). "You do what you need to do." That was my response a lot of the time.
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Var
I’d highly recommend getting a voice activated recorder and carry it with you every time you interact with her. If she gets hostile she may file an false abuse claim against you. If you call the police they will probably arrest you! With all interactions recorded you can clear your name. Get one ASAP
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Originally Posted by donewithhurting
I’d highly recommend getting a voice activated recorder and carry it with you every time you interact with her. If she gets hostile she may file an false abuse claim against you. If you call the police they will probably arrest you! With all interactions recorded you can clear your name. Get one ASAP
It's probably been addressed in this thread, but I would talk to your lawyer about ways to handle any confrontations with your wife going forward...and especially the use of a voice activated recorder without her knowledge.
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Met with the new lawyer today. Feelings about it?? Dunno, seemed almost too quiet. Not a 'bulldog' like I was hoping. She's young, only been licensed less than 5 years.
Maybe this case will be easier than I'm expecting and I don't need the strongest lawyer they have... Just don't feel totally at-ease.
Maybe this case will be easier than I'm expecting and I don't need the strongest lawyer they have... Just don't feel totally at-ease.
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
If she wishes to stay in the house, she can, as long as the hostilities for me in front of DS are no more than they are now. (Which is still way too much). I WILL NOT leave the house unless ordered by a judge/magistrate. My plan is to stay in the house, with DS, until we sell the house or I am ordered to leave.
I think this emergency plan is more important than whether you are going to forewarn her or not.
I do not the laws in your state, but this is something you could talk to your lawyer . . . what happens if . . . ? What are your rights? What are your limitations? What to do if drama happens?
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COD
I had my AW served. She was pretty mad from the text that I received. For me it was best to let the bomb explode away from me.
Also like others mentioned, expect the unexpected. That time period living in the same house was hell and always went in some direction that wasn't thought of.
AG
I had my AW served. She was pretty mad from the text that I received. For me it was best to let the bomb explode away from me.
Also like others mentioned, expect the unexpected. That time period living in the same house was hell and always went in some direction that wasn't thought of.
AG
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Can you call the attorneys office and just let the previous one know that after meeting with the new attorney, you are more comfortable with the first one and would like your case transferred back to them? I do think it's important you feel good about the lawyer you are choosing!
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