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My Partner with 2.5 years of sobriety broke up with out of the blue



My Partner with 2.5 years of sobriety broke up with out of the blue

Old 04-05-2018, 10:00 PM
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My Partner with 2.5 years of sobriety broke up with out of the blue

My partner and I dated for a year. When we first met it was dream like. She said I was her soul mate, she said she’d Felt like she had been searching for me in many lives. We were head over heels in love.

I began to notice that as soon as outside pressures and stressors permeated her life I would get the boot so to speak. She would immediately demand alone time even if it meant canceling plans.

I was never turned off or scared of her sobriety and active recovery. I was extremely supportive and joined al anon in order to better myself. If any issue arose in her life she would immediately depend on me. She depended on me for work related advice, financial advice, advice around her friendships, advice regarding her sponsees and emotional support.

As we progressed in our relationship I noticed that she was never willing to reciprocate the support I was giving her. After witnessing a loved one have a stroke i began suffering from panic attacks. She supported me for a bit and then revealed that she felt I was too reliant on her and too co dependent. This was hurtful seeing as I never put a cap on my willingness to support her.

As our relationship reached its end her work life was becoming More stressful, she found herself facing difficulties in her fellowship group. She began smoking cigarettes again (an old habit of her from active addiction) and hiding that from me. Her moods swang from her telling me she was madly in love with me to her not speaking to me for days on end. She insisted we book a trip to Mexico City for our anniversary and we did and were both so excited.

Our last interaction was her accusing me of being manipulative on unfounded grounds and subsequently halting all contact for a few days and then asking me to spend time with her to reconnect. At this point I found myself at a loss to what or where her behavior was coming from. Upon my meeting up with her to reconnect she told me she loved me dearly and asked for physical affection and then she broke up with me. Her explanation was that our relationship was preventing her from taking care of herself and building a connection with her higher power. Our entire relationship revolved around her sobriety!! And her needs!! Our relationship really was about her. She broke up with me a week before my birthday after having arranged several birthday events. The onus was placed on me to cancel everything and in the last four weeks since she broke up with me she has made it extremely difficult for me to have my personal belongings returned to me. She has refused to allow me to come pick up my stuff from her apartment under the guise that she does want to see me and she has blocked me on all social media platforms and other means of contact as well.

I’ve tried to reach out kindly to ask what’s going on because I am deeply confused and all I’ve been met with is no response and blocking. This has been the most tramuatic breakup of my life. I Iay awake every single night trying to figure out what I could’ve done wrong and truly despite her claims that our relationship was bad for her, our relationship was nothing but supportive.

She pushed me to book this trip just two weeks before breaking up with me and refuses to communicate with me around how best to handle an outstanding international vacation.

Her anger and resentment seems so unfounded and I am so confused. I don’t know where to turn, but I am deeply heartbroken and just want the happy, kind, honest woman I initially fell in love with. This person she’s become is not one I recognize. I feel tricked and decieved.
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Old 04-05-2018, 11:01 PM
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Sorry you’re going through this. Seems like she will not change and you need to grieve the loss of the relationship.
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Old 04-05-2018, 11:10 PM
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Hi and welcome, sorry about your situation.

Are you absolutely sure that she has been sober? I guess she might just be a person that needs a lot of alone time when stressed, however, taking off for days seems unusual unless there is something going on like drinking or some other mental challenges?

What your describing is not normal behavior, but i'm sure you already know that. You mentioning how different she is now from the person you met just might indicate that she was actually still drinking but of course that just a guess.
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Old 04-05-2018, 11:19 PM
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I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. Have you started to read some of the “sticky posts” at the top of the forum? Once you start to read about alcoholic behaviors, you will recognize that the confusion and puzzlement you are feeling is a natural response to the crazy, contradictory emotions and behaviors your gf was displaying. There are any of us on this forum who have experienced these “out of the blue” breakups. One day the alcoholic partner is telling you how much they miss you, what a great time they had during your visit, and what a fox you are in the sack and a few days later they are breaking up with you.

Please try not to take this breakup personally. It is not a reflection on you or how you acted in the relationship. It sounds like you were very caring and supportive. I am also wondering if all of the recent stressors in your gf’s life might have caused a relapse. Is it possible that she may have started drinking again? In my case, the breakup occurred when my bf of nine months recognized he had a problem and started going to AA. I hadn’t even known he was drinking excessively. If your gf did relapse and was being advised to put her sobriety first, then any romantic relationship becomes an obstacle.

Her anger and resentment toward you, hiding her cigarette smoking, as well as the blocking and no contact really make me suspect she is drinking again. It sounds like her sobriety is in jeopardy and since all recovering alcoholics are told their sobriety must come first, your feelings, pain and confusion are the collateral damage.

Please don’t beat yourself up about this. While we codependents have our own issues we need to focus on, it is unlikely that you did anything “wrong” to precipitate the breakup. You will find a lot of support and commonality among the posters on this forum. I hope reading other’s posts will help you get through this difficult time and help you to realize you are not alone in what you are feeling and experiencing.
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Old 04-05-2018, 11:32 PM
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I am sorry to read of the situation you are in.
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Old 04-06-2018, 05:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Cvicioso View Post
She pushed me to book this trip just two weeks before breaking up with me and refuses to communicate with me around how best to handle an outstanding international vacation.

Her anger and resentment seems so unfounded and I am so confused. I don’t know where to turn, but I am deeply heartbroken and just want the happy, kind, honest woman I initially fell in love with. This person she’s become is not one I recognize. I feel tricked and decieved.
You have been tricked and deceived. I don't know how much stuff you have at her place, and what financial burden it would put on you to replace it. It may be worth it for your peace of mind to simply write it off and fix in your mind you'll never get it back.

You could see it one of your friends would be able to take the trip with you.

I'm so sorry for what's happened. I would suspect that she may have been drinking and hiding it. That's what alcoholics do.
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Old 04-06-2018, 05:39 AM
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Dear Cvicioso
I am sorry you are hurting, I truly am.
Sometimes we see red flags in a relationship, and choose to ignore them. This is the cold, hard truth.
Perhaps, if this relationship is really over, you can be alone and find out why you were attracted to her. This might help you avoid the same problems in the future.
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Old 04-06-2018, 06:04 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Hi and welcome, sorry about your situation.

Are you absolutely sure that she has been sober? I guess she might just be a person that needs a lot of alone time when stressed, however, taking off for days seems unusual unless there is something going on like drinking or some other mental challenges?

What your describing is not normal behavior, but i'm sure you already know that. You mentioning how different she is now from the person you met just might indicate that she was actually still drinking but of course that just a guess.
I began to suspect a relapse shortly after the breakup and my therapist did as well, but I’ve learned from mutual friends that she’s still attending meetings regularly and still regularly meeting with her sponsor. She has also shown kindness to my family members who have reached out in an effort to retrieve my belongings, but will not show me kindness at all and as I said refuses to speak to me.

I was able to get a singular response wherein she said “I am not being hostile I’m just taking care of myself and I hope in some time you can realize that” this made me feel gaslit and very crazy. Never in my life have I experienced someone taking care of themselves so directly at the expense of another’s pain. I started to feel like perhaps I’m the crazy one for wanting answers and my things back. Perhaps I’ve ways been an obstacle in her caring for herself. How could Caring for herself include blocking me and removing me from her life entirely when our breakup was truly very amicable. When she broke up with me the co dependent came out and I immediately apologized and thanked her for her honestly. I told her I was grateful she would trust in me to tell me the relationship had to end and ultimately loved her enough to let her go. It was after this that all the craziness ensued.

As I said above I am beyond heart broken. Late last year she moved just a few blocks away from me with the insistence that we would be moving in together this summer. I am feverently trying to move out of our neighborhood in fear that I will run into her.

Both of her roommates none of her whom are in active addiction have stopped speaking to me as well. I feel like a pariah.

The way she’s acted throughout this entire process makes me question who truly broke up with who. It feels as if I overtly hurt her and as a result am being met with resentment and deep anger. Perhaps she has been drinking again. This was always a great fear of mine and as a result I always made sure to put her sobriety above my own needs
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Old 04-06-2018, 06:09 AM
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When I break up with someone I don't want to ever talk to them again.

Some people cannot be around someone they've broken up with, Cvicioso. There are lots of reasons for this, and I hope you'll find a way to move on.
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Old 04-06-2018, 06:48 AM
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Endings are not pleasant, especially for the person who didn’t want the breakup. From my personal experience I lean towards a relapse. Doesn’t matter that she’s still going to AA and working with sponsor, she could still be drinking.

This stuff of yours, is it valuable stuff or just stuff? Sometimes we have to just let it all go, move away and move on. Again, my experience has been that the “stuff” is the glue still holding you onto her and the relationship.

I think once you are farther away from this relationship you’ll be able to look back and see what your part was in it. Maybe it was giving too much, maybe it was allowing it to be all about her and her issues and along the way you got lost in it all.
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Old 04-06-2018, 06:50 AM
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When I break up with someone I don't want to ever talk to them again.

Yes but it reasonable for him to want his stuff back and she needs to act like an adult and make sure he gets them. If she won't you may need to write it off.

I also agree with op I think she is drinking.
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Old 04-06-2018, 06:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579 View Post
When I break up with someone I don't want to ever talk to them again.

Yes but it reasonable for him to want his stuff back and she needs to act like an adult and make sure he gets them. If she won't you may need to write it off.

I also agree with op I think she is drinking.
Well, of course. His stuff is kind of the least of the worries here.

I've had almost this exact thing happen more than once. I didn't always get my stuff back. Sometimes it's better to let go of stuff (of course depending on what it is.) Sometimes the police can get involved and escort you to the house to collect your things. I guess it depends. Is it clothes and a toothbrush or a car and stereo and wallet? There's a lot of gray area here. I've walked away from thousands of dollars worth of stuff in the pursuit of freedom and protecting myself.

I personally don't want to see or talk to someone when I break up with them, but I would put their stuff out on the step if they wanted to come by and pick it up, or I would give it to someone else to do the hand-off.
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Old 04-06-2018, 07:11 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Endings are not pleasant, especially for the person who didn’t want the breakup. From my personal experience I lean towards a relapse. Doesn’t matter that she’s still going to AA and working with sponsor, she could still be drinking.

This stuff of yours, is it valuable stuff or just stuff? Sometimes we have to just let it all go, move away and move on. Again, my experience has been that the “stuff” is the glue still holding you onto her and the relationship.

I think once you are farther away from this relationship you’ll be able to look back and see what your part was in it. Maybe it was giving too much, maybe it was allowing it to be all about her and her issues and along the way you got lost in it all.
Thank you for this and all the support everyone has given me. I should point out that we are two women in the relationship. The stuff was all things of great value including totaling over $3k. She often wore my clothing so about 90 percent of her wardrobe of mine. She did give me the stuff back but refused to give them to me personally and demanded I send a roommate or a friend. I realize many people don’t want contact after a breakup, but during the breakup she said they exact opposite. She kept harping on about how much she loved me and wanted to stay friends only to turn around and block me days later. She has kept the relationship and photos of us on all social media according to mutual friends. But has blocked me out of her life. It all feels very strange and something is just not making sense. Something isn’t clicking
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Old 04-06-2018, 07:20 AM
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Okay, so you got your stuff back.

She has moved on and has made it very clear.

Now it's your job to accept that and heal yourself. Unfortunately in broken love relationships things are messy in the end and it just takes time to heal. I never got closure from others, it always came from myself.

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Old 04-06-2018, 07:48 AM
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It all feels very strange and something is just not making sense. Something isn’t clicking.

The way she’s acted throughout this entire process makes me question who truly broke up with who. It feels as if I overtly hurt her and as a result am being met with resentment and deep anger.
Alcoholism is a baffling and cunning disease, alcoholic behaviors often don’t make any sense to those witnessing it nor to the alcoholic themselves.

Glad you received your things back and if moving out of that neighborhood is what you need to do for you than do it.

You said you were with her for a 1 year, it’s possible she “managed” to keep her behaviors in check but as of late is unable to. You are witnessing the “whole” her, probably didn’t see this side of her prior or maybe just little pangs of it.

What you should work on is self-blame and NOT getting caught up in her spin on things or what she’s told other people about you. This is what keeps us broken down, keeps us emotionally charged and attached to damaging people in her lives. You know the truth of what has happened and that is all that matters.
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Old 04-06-2018, 09:14 AM
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Cvisioso......All romantic relationships do not work out.
And, romantic relationships begin in a "dreamy" state...to one extent or another....."we are soul mates" is a commonly heard refrain....
Mother Nature has arranged it to be this way...it is a necessary stage. The cascade of the powerful bonding hormones assures that this happens.
We tend to behave our best and we see the best in our partner.
All normal and natural....in the beginning.
After the beginning part is over....we begin to see the partner in more realistic wa y...without the rose colored glasses....
We have to ask ourselves if this person can give us what we want and need for a lifetime of enrichment...or not?

Broken bonds of attachment are very painful, when broken....enormously, and shockingly painful. Mother Nature arranged for this to be so...for good reason. It is all a part of the Great Plan for the propagation and survival of the species.
Wisely, the same Mother wired us to be able to survive such pain and to heal from it. We are wired to adapt and go forward....this is a part of our wonderfully adaptive qualities, as a species.....

You are going to grieve...as the first step of healing....
It is going to hurt like *ell, for a while...but, it doesn't stay like this....

It should be apparent that your partner has a pallet of issues...and is not behaving toward you in a normal, healthy way.
All in all...you have had 1 yr. of the good stuff...and 1 1/2 yrs. of the bad stuff.
Total of three years...which is a very short time in the whole scope of your life...in the big picture.....
She has addiction problems and who knows w hat other ongoing issues that she brought in her baggage.....You can't figure addiction out...and, you will never get to know what her other previous issues are.....
It is necessary for you to accept that she simply is not the one for you......

I think the following song is a good one for you to listen to, right now.....

https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...S&pc=EUPP_UE04
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Old 04-06-2018, 09:25 AM
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When she broke up with me the co dependent came out and I immediately apologized and thanked her for her honestly. I told her I was grateful she would trust in me to tell me the relationship had to end and ultimately loved her enough to let her go

you might wanna circle back around to this.....you said you loved her enough to let her go.

so........
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Old 04-06-2018, 09:37 AM
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Overall it sounds like she took you for a merry go round with her moods and affection going up and down.

You wrote this:

As our relationship reached its end her work life was becoming More stressful, she found herself facing difficulties in her fellowship group. She began smoking cigarettes again (an old habit of her from active addiction) and hiding that from me. Her moods swang from her telling me she was madly in love with me to her not speaking to me for days on end. She insisted we book a trip to Mexico City for our anniversary and we did and were both so excited.

Our last interaction was her accusing me of being manipulative on unfounded grounds and subsequently halting all contact for a few days and then asking me to spend time with her to reconnect. At this point I found myself at a loss to what or where her behavior was coming from. Upon my meeting up with her to reconnect she told me she loved me dearly and asked for physical affection and then she broke up with me. Her explanation was that our relationship was preventing her from taking care of herself and building a connection with her higher power. Our entire relationship revolved around her sobriety!! And her needs!!

The problem may not be that she has relapsed on alcohol, but that she has never actually become a healthy, well adjusted person who is able to function independently. It looks like she is turning to things for support which is keeping her afloat, but she hasn't been growing emotionally. (Is it possible she has other mental issues going on also, just reading parts made me think of a manic behavior)

I think you deserve much more than this. An equal partner. A relationship based on Interdependence - healthy and fulfilling.

You deserve to have your things from the apartment also. Depending on what you have there, it might be best to follow up with this by getting some legal advice.
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Old 04-06-2018, 10:46 AM
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Cvicioso, when you say "something isn't clicking" it could be that your ex is being advised by her sponsor to block you and cut contact. I had a strong feeling when my ABF said he needed to take a break from the relationship, but didn't want to, that someone else was advising him. When I asked him to clarify if it was a "break" or a "break up", he said "what I said first" almost as if he had just been parroting what he was told to say. In any case, I had to accept that he was doing what he needed to do to deal with his alcoholism.

I didn't understand why he had to cut me out of his life so abruptly and so completely. I, too, felt like a "pariah"...like I was some kind of terrible influence, a trigger for his drinking, someone to be avoided at all costs. This was incredibly hurtful, since I also had been only kind and caring in the relationship. I wasn't even displaying codependent behaviors during the relationship; it was only when the break occurred that all my latent codependency came rushing back.

More than seven months later I still think of him every day, and I still hope that we can reconnect at some point (maybe just as friends), but essentially the outcome is out of my control. Let the other people in your life remind you that you are a good, caring person who is not to blame for this turn of events. The pain will lessen, but it takes time.
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Old 04-06-2018, 11:01 AM
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Originally Posted by SoManyQuestions View Post
Cvicioso, when you say "something isn't clicking" it could be that your ex is being advised by her sponsor to block you and cut contact. I had a strong feeling when my ABF said he needed to take a break from the relationship, but didn't want to, that someone else was advising him. When I asked him to clarify if it was a "break" or a "break up", he said "what I said first" almost as if he had just been parroting what he was told to say. In any case, I had to accept that he was doing what he needed to do to deal with his alcoholism.

I didn't understand why he had to cut me out of his life so abruptly and so completely. I, too, felt like a "pariah"...like I was some kind of terrible influence, a trigger for his drinking, someone to be avoided at all costs. This was incredibly hurtful, since I also had been only kind and caring in the relationship. I wasn't even displaying codependent behaviors during the relationship; it was only when the break occurred that all my latent codependency came rushing back.

More than seven months later I still think of him every day, and I still hope that we can reconnect at some point (maybe just as friends), but essentially the outcome is out of my control. Let the other people in your life remind you that you are a good, caring person who is not to blame for this turn of events. The pain will lessen, but it takes time.
I’m sorry you too have experienced something similar. The point about her sponsor makes sense I hadn’t considered that. My question around though, doesn’t the 10th step require one take a daily inventory of their wrongs and then make amends wherever possible. I can’t imagine that treating someone with such cruelty and unkindness wouldnt fall under the 10th step category and come with amends. To the poster mentioned my letting her go, I am. It feels deeply painful, but I am letting her go. I am just perplexed and hoping that one day I will receive an explanation.

During our breakup when I asked if it was forever she told me she couldn’t look that far into the future. She said she had to take things one day at a time and needed distance and time away, but has then proceeded to take aggressive action. Just doesn’t make sense.
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