My Partner with 2.5 years of sobriety broke up with out of the blue
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actually the text for Step 10 is:
"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
however....how she chooses to work the steps, interpret the steps and so on, is HER business. right or wrong, she HAS her reasons for her actions. they may seem the best option for HER. attempt to make a swift, clean break.
sometimes we really have no choice but to just deal - even if it hurts, even when it hurts. now is the time to double down on your own recovery, learn to move through this.
"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
however....how she chooses to work the steps, interpret the steps and so on, is HER business. right or wrong, she HAS her reasons for her actions. they may seem the best option for HER. attempt to make a swift, clean break.
sometimes we really have no choice but to just deal - even if it hurts, even when it hurts. now is the time to double down on your own recovery, learn to move through this.
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She said she had to take things one day at a time and needed distance and time away, but has then proceeded to take aggressive action.
I am just perplexed and hoping that one day I will receive an explanation.
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Originally Posted by atalose 
Aggressive action? How so?
I wouldn’t have great expectations of that happening.
I wouldn’t have great expectations of that happening.
I don’t have great expectations either. My confusion comes from my feeling gaslit and feeling like she’s acting as if I’m the one who broke up with her. I’m the one who has caused her great pain.
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Cvicioso...while I wasn’t blocked initially by my ABF, I suspect I was blocked (phone and text) four months after the breakup since I continued to send occasional cards, texts and letters. I think there may be a possibly more easy to accept interpretation of why your ex blocked you. It may be possible that she does feel badly about how she hurt you and every communication from you that reminds her of that distracts her from her focus on sobriety/recovery. I think the alcoholics already have a fair amount of self-loathing going on...any reminder of how they have hurt someone they care about will only intensify that self-loathing.
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Originally Posted by SoManyQuestions
Cvicioso...while I wasn’t blocked initially by my ABF, I suspect I was blocked (phone and text) four months after the breakup since I continued to send occasional cards, texts and letters. I think there may be a possibly more easy to accept interpretation of why your ex blocked you. It may be possible that she does feel badly about how she hurt you and every communication from you that reminds her of that distracts her from her focus on sobriety/recovery. I think the alcoholics already have a fair amount of self-loathing going on...any reminder of how they have hurt someone they care about will only intensify that self-loathing.
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My confusion comes from my feeling gaslit and feeling like she’s acting as if I’m the one who broke up with her.
The alcoholics I know shun accountability and responsibility as well as place blame onto others for the problems in their life. If she can push the responsibility for the ending of the relationship on you if frees her of having to take any responsibility and lessons her quilt.
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Originally Posted by PlantsVorganic514
My partner and I dated for a year. When we first met it was dream like. She said I was her soul mate, she said she’d Felt like she had been searching for me in many lives. We were head over heels in love.
I began to notice that as soon as outside pressures and stressors permeated her life I would get the boot so to speak. She would immediately demand alone time even if it meant canceling plans.
I was never turned off or scared of her sobriety and active recovery. I was extremely supportive and joined al anon in order to better myself. If any issue arose in her life she would immediately depend on me. She depended on me for work related advice, financial advice, advice around her friendships, advice regarding her sponsees and emotional support.
As we progressed in our relationship I noticed that she was never willing to reciprocate the support I was giving her. After witnessing a loved one have a stroke i began suffering from panic attacks. She supported me for a bit and then revealed that she felt I was too reliant on her and too co dependent. This was hurtful seeing as I never put a cap on my willingness to support her.
As our relationship reached its end her work life was becoming More stressful, she found herself facing difficulties in her fellowship group. She began smoking cigarettes again (an old habit of her from active addiction) and hiding that from me. Her moods swang from her telling me she was madly in love with me to her not speaking to me for days on end. She insisted we book a trip to Mexico City for our anniversary and we did and were both so excited.
Our last interaction was her accusing me of being manipulative on unfounded grounds and subsequently halting all contact for a few days and then asking me to spend time with her to reconnect. At this point I found myself at a loss to what or where her behavior was coming from. Upon my meeting up with her to reconnect she told me she loved me dearly and asked for physical affection and then she broke up with me. Her explanation was that our relationship was preventing her from taking care of herself and building a connection with her higher power. Our entire relationship revolved around her sobriety!! And her needs!! Our relationship really was about her. She broke up with me a week before my birthday after having arranged several birthday events. The onus was placed on me to cancel everything and in the last four weeks since she broke up with me she has made it extremely difficult for me to have my personal belongings returned to me. She has refused to allow me to come pick up my stuff from her apartment under the guise that she does want to see me and she has blocked me on all social media platforms and other means of contact as well.
I’ve tried to reach out kindly to ask what’s going on because I am deeply confused and all I’ve been met with is no response and blocking. This has been the most tramuatic breakup of my life. I Iay awake every single night trying to figure out what I could’ve done wrong and truly despite her claims that our relationship was bad for her, our relationship was nothing but supportive.
She pushed me to book this trip just two weeks before breaking up with me and refuses to communicate with me around how best to handle an outstanding international vacation.
Her anger and resentment seems so unfounded and I am so confused. I don’t know where to turn, but I am deeply heartbroken and just want the happy, kind, honest woman I initially fell in love with. This person she’s become is not one I recognize. I feel tricked and decieved.
I began to notice that as soon as outside pressures and stressors permeated her life I would get the boot so to speak. She would immediately demand alone time even if it meant canceling plans.
I was never turned off or scared of her sobriety and active recovery. I was extremely supportive and joined al anon in order to better myself. If any issue arose in her life she would immediately depend on me. She depended on me for work related advice, financial advice, advice around her friendships, advice regarding her sponsees and emotional support.
As we progressed in our relationship I noticed that she was never willing to reciprocate the support I was giving her. After witnessing a loved one have a stroke i began suffering from panic attacks. She supported me for a bit and then revealed that she felt I was too reliant on her and too co dependent. This was hurtful seeing as I never put a cap on my willingness to support her.
As our relationship reached its end her work life was becoming More stressful, she found herself facing difficulties in her fellowship group. She began smoking cigarettes again (an old habit of her from active addiction) and hiding that from me. Her moods swang from her telling me she was madly in love with me to her not speaking to me for days on end. She insisted we book a trip to Mexico City for our anniversary and we did and were both so excited.
Our last interaction was her accusing me of being manipulative on unfounded grounds and subsequently halting all contact for a few days and then asking me to spend time with her to reconnect. At this point I found myself at a loss to what or where her behavior was coming from. Upon my meeting up with her to reconnect she told me she loved me dearly and asked for physical affection and then she broke up with me. Her explanation was that our relationship was preventing her from taking care of herself and building a connection with her higher power. Our entire relationship revolved around her sobriety!! And her needs!! Our relationship really was about her. She broke up with me a week before my birthday after having arranged several birthday events. The onus was placed on me to cancel everything and in the last four weeks since she broke up with me she has made it extremely difficult for me to have my personal belongings returned to me. She has refused to allow me to come pick up my stuff from her apartment under the guise that she does want to see me and she has blocked me on all social media platforms and other means of contact as well.
I’ve tried to reach out kindly to ask what’s going on because I am deeply confused and all I’ve been met with is no response and blocking. This has been the most tramuatic breakup of my life. I Iay awake every single night trying to figure out what I could’ve done wrong and truly despite her claims that our relationship was bad for her, our relationship was nothing but supportive.
She pushed me to book this trip just two weeks before breaking up with me and refuses to communicate with me around how best to handle an outstanding international vacation.
Her anger and resentment seems so unfounded and I am so confused. I don’t know where to turn, but I am deeply heartbroken and just want the happy, kind, honest woman I initially fell in love with. This person she’s become is not one I recognize. I feel tricked and decieved.
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Originally Posted by Clarksburg
I am so sorry this happened to you. A similarly baffling end came to my relationship. I’m sending you prayers for healing. I know it is a deeply painful and confusing experience. Focus on meeting someone who can be fully engaged in a relationship, someone who deserves your kindness and love.
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Update: we have now not had any contact for over three weeks and out of the blue she has removed me from her Facebook page. The last social media platform as she has blocked me on everything else. She’s just done this tonight and it’s so confusing. It just feels like I can’t win. I’m wrong for asking for my stuff to be returned, I’m wrong if I don’t reach out, I’m wrong if I do reach out. The confusion is haunting me. I just wish I could better understand what’s going on with her. I just wish she would communicate with me.
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I just wish she would communicate with me.
The confusion is haunting me
I’ve discovered that confusion comes with not accepting reality, still holding onto that magical hopeful feelings. Because there’s nothing confusing about reality its just we don’t like it.
Did she end this relationship with thoughtfulness and kindness and caring – no. Did she walk away from taking any responsibility at all – yes. This is often what alcoholics do, that’s the sad reality of it.
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And acceptance is the answer to all my problems
today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some
person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life
—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until
I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being
exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world
by mistake. unless I accept life completely
on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate
not so much on what needs to be changed in the
world as on what needs to be changed in me and in
my attitudes.
Perhaps the best thing of all for me is to remember
that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations.
The higher my expectations of other
people are, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my
serenity level rise when I discard my expectations.
But then my “rights” try to move in, and they too can
force my serenity level down. I have to discard my
“rights,” as well as my expectations, by asking myself,
How important is it, really? How important is it compared
to my serenity, my emotional sobriety? And
when I place more value on my serenity and sobriety
than on anything else, I can maintain them at a higher
level—at least for the time being.
I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance
and off my expectations, for my serenity is
directly proportional to my level of acceptance.
today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some
person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life
—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until
I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being
exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world
by mistake. unless I accept life completely
on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate
not so much on what needs to be changed in the
world as on what needs to be changed in me and in
my attitudes.
Perhaps the best thing of all for me is to remember
that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations.
The higher my expectations of other
people are, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my
serenity level rise when I discard my expectations.
But then my “rights” try to move in, and they too can
force my serenity level down. I have to discard my
“rights,” as well as my expectations, by asking myself,
How important is it, really? How important is it compared
to my serenity, my emotional sobriety? And
when I place more value on my serenity and sobriety
than on anything else, I can maintain them at a higher
level—at least for the time being.
I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance
and off my expectations, for my serenity is
directly proportional to my level of acceptance.
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PV.....I get how up setting this must be for you. You are going to have a period of grieving...that is for sure. You are going to go through a lot of different emotions...sort of like an emotional kalediscope, for a while.....probably several weeks to months....as you gradually regain back your emotional bearings.
This is normal and expected for your situation.....
Trust me...most every single person, on here, knows, from experience, what you are going through....I have been through it.
At some time, in life, tragic, painful and unexpected things...that we h ave no control over...happen to us. For some, more than once. And, we don't always get explanations or "answers"...even though we may cry out for them....We yearn for "justice"...and, yet...seldom can we see any Worldly Justice....
PV....I wish that I could tell you different...but, I can only tell you that this is the human experience....I have no more control over it than you do...
Thankfully, we are wired to be able to heal....after, a certain amount of time....and, we are able to go on with living...and, experience happiness and joy, again....
Go ahead, and cry, and grieve....you need to..
You have every molecule of my empathy...
This is normal and expected for your situation.....
Trust me...most every single person, on here, knows, from experience, what you are going through....I have been through it.
At some time, in life, tragic, painful and unexpected things...that we h ave no control over...happen to us. For some, more than once. And, we don't always get explanations or "answers"...even though we may cry out for them....We yearn for "justice"...and, yet...seldom can we see any Worldly Justice....
PV....I wish that I could tell you different...but, I can only tell you that this is the human experience....I have no more control over it than you do...
Thankfully, we are wired to be able to heal....after, a certain amount of time....and, we are able to go on with living...and, experience happiness and joy, again....
Go ahead, and cry, and grieve....you need to..
You have every molecule of my empathy...
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 14
thank you all for the support. I am trying my best to live in acceptance. It has helped a lot. I went to an al anon meeting for the first time since the breakup. I’ve found myself feeling really resentful of the program and resentful of AA and resentful of alcoholism. I feel as if I’ve lost the love of my life to this disease. I thought love would be stronger than it, but I realize, though I always knew, this disease is stronger than the both of us. Going to the meeting help quite a bit. I shared and many were moved by my words and shared similar experiences and stories during fellowship. I’m grateful. I’m going to try commiting to going to this meeting regularly as I get back into the groove of things.
This week is our anniversary week. I woke up feeling like I had rocks in my stomach. I cried out for a while. Wondering if she’s feels the same.
Many of my friends who follow her on social media have said that her photos as of late seem to be very out of character and very different than the personality they know her to have. I feel fear that this entire time we were together I was smothering the true parts of her. Perhaps I wasn’t the best partner I could’ve been. In moments like this I wish I could just get on my knees and apologize for not being enough.
Is it common for alcoholics to have a total change in personality, appearance and demeanor rather out of the blue?
This week is our anniversary week. I woke up feeling like I had rocks in my stomach. I cried out for a while. Wondering if she’s feels the same.
Many of my friends who follow her on social media have said that her photos as of late seem to be very out of character and very different than the personality they know her to have. I feel fear that this entire time we were together I was smothering the true parts of her. Perhaps I wasn’t the best partner I could’ve been. In moments like this I wish I could just get on my knees and apologize for not being enough.
Is it common for alcoholics to have a total change in personality, appearance and demeanor rather out of the blue?
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PV.......I don't think that it was that you were "smothering the true parts of her".....but, rather. that the alcoholism was smothering the true parts of her....
For the alcoholic or addict...it is like there is a constant battle going on, inside their head...between the true self (original one we ere born to)...and the "alcoholic self"...or, the "alcoholic voice". Alcoholic voice---that constantly whispers...that seeks, at every opportunity, to overtake the true self. Waiting for every opportunity....every vulnerability...to shout "Go ahead and drink...it won't hurt...you will feel soo much better".
And, that voice will tell then to lie...to lie to themselves...and, of course, as one lies to themselves--it becomes a natural extension to lie to others....
PV...all I am trying to say, is to consider the fact that you may never have really known her true self when she was with you...because, if she was drinking during that time...she probably was not even dealing with her own true self....that she was operating from her alcoholic self...and the bubble that alcoholics have to build in order to live within their disease.
Yes...it is my opinion/observation that alcoholics/addicts can look very different ...when they are operating from within or outside of the alcoholic bubble....
It is possible that you suited her needs very well when she was needing you to support her alcoholic self.....but, not so much, at this point.....
Relationships are very complex and living up to the responsibilities and the anxieties and frustrations that can arise from any relationship...can just be too much of a stretch for the alcoholic to live up to...
for the alcoholic, the normal stress or conflict that commonly a rises in relationships is a common trigger for relapse....to grab the drink for the instant stress reliever.
for an alcoholic who is struggling for recovery...a relationship can be like pouring gasoline on a fire......
For the alcoholic or addict...it is like there is a constant battle going on, inside their head...between the true self (original one we ere born to)...and the "alcoholic self"...or, the "alcoholic voice". Alcoholic voice---that constantly whispers...that seeks, at every opportunity, to overtake the true self. Waiting for every opportunity....every vulnerability...to shout "Go ahead and drink...it won't hurt...you will feel soo much better".
And, that voice will tell then to lie...to lie to themselves...and, of course, as one lies to themselves--it becomes a natural extension to lie to others....
PV...all I am trying to say, is to consider the fact that you may never have really known her true self when she was with you...because, if she was drinking during that time...she probably was not even dealing with her own true self....that she was operating from her alcoholic self...and the bubble that alcoholics have to build in order to live within their disease.
Yes...it is my opinion/observation that alcoholics/addicts can look very different ...when they are operating from within or outside of the alcoholic bubble....
It is possible that you suited her needs very well when she was needing you to support her alcoholic self.....but, not so much, at this point.....
Relationships are very complex and living up to the responsibilities and the anxieties and frustrations that can arise from any relationship...can just be too much of a stretch for the alcoholic to live up to...
for the alcoholic, the normal stress or conflict that commonly a rises in relationships is a common trigger for relapse....to grab the drink for the instant stress reliever.
for an alcoholic who is struggling for recovery...a relationship can be like pouring gasoline on a fire......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by dandylion
PV.......I don't think that it was that you were "smothering the true parts of her".....but, rather. that the alcoholism was smothering the true parts of her....
For the alcoholic or addict...it is like there is a constant battle going on, inside their head...between the true self (original one we ere born to)...and the "alcoholic self"...or, the "alcoholic voice". Alcoholic voice---that constantly whispers...that seeks, at every opportunity, to overtake the true self. Waiting for every opportunity....every vulnerability...to shout "Go ahead and drink...it won't hurt...you will feel soo much better".
And, that voice will tell then to lie...to lie to themselves...and, of course, as one lies to themselves--it becomes a natural extension to lie to others....
PV...all I am trying to say, is to consider the fact that you may never have really known her true self when she was with you...because, if she was drinking during that time...she probably was not even dealing with her own true self....that she was operating from her alcoholic self...and the bubble that alcoholics have to build in order to live within their disease.
Yes...it is my opinion/observation that alcoholics/addicts can look very different ...when they are operating from within or outside of the alcoholic bubble....
It is possible that you suited her needs very well when she was needing you to support her alcoholic self.....but, not so much, at this point.....
Relationships are very complex and living up to the responsibilities and the anxieties and frustrations that can arise from any relationship...can just be too much of a stretch for the alcoholic to live up to...
for the alcoholic, the normal stress or conflict that commonly a rises in relationships is a common trigger for relapse....to grab the drink for the instant stress reliever.
for an alcoholic who is struggling for recovery...a relationship can be like pouring gasoline on a fire......
For the alcoholic or addict...it is like there is a constant battle going on, inside their head...between the true self (original one we ere born to)...and the "alcoholic self"...or, the "alcoholic voice". Alcoholic voice---that constantly whispers...that seeks, at every opportunity, to overtake the true self. Waiting for every opportunity....every vulnerability...to shout "Go ahead and drink...it won't hurt...you will feel soo much better".
And, that voice will tell then to lie...to lie to themselves...and, of course, as one lies to themselves--it becomes a natural extension to lie to others....
PV...all I am trying to say, is to consider the fact that you may never have really known her true self when she was with you...because, if she was drinking during that time...she probably was not even dealing with her own true self....that she was operating from her alcoholic self...and the bubble that alcoholics have to build in order to live within their disease.
Yes...it is my opinion/observation that alcoholics/addicts can look very different ...when they are operating from within or outside of the alcoholic bubble....
It is possible that you suited her needs very well when she was needing you to support her alcoholic self.....but, not so much, at this point.....
Relationships are very complex and living up to the responsibilities and the anxieties and frustrations that can arise from any relationship...can just be too much of a stretch for the alcoholic to live up to...
for the alcoholic, the normal stress or conflict that commonly a rises in relationships is a common trigger for relapse....to grab the drink for the instant stress reliever.
for an alcoholic who is struggling for recovery...a relationship can be like pouring gasoline on a fire......
As a normie who often exhibits similar behaviors when stressed (untidy bedroom and eating unhealthy) I figured this was just a normal response to working a difficult job. I realize now that these behaviors were very maladaptive and I wish alarms would’ve gone off for me in the moment instead of in retrospect.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I was dumped by a former lover, many years ago in a planet far away.
Decades before false narrative became a thing, or before image crafting was as common as breathing, he framed the end of our relationship as my doing and played the hurt, confused victim. It got him a fair amount of sympathy from acquaintances who weren't terribly knowledgeable about our relationship. Looking back on it, I suspect he was an alcoholic. Perhaps your ex is using social media the same way my ex used stories to his colleagues to promote himself.
Decades before false narrative became a thing, or before image crafting was as common as breathing, he framed the end of our relationship as my doing and played the hurt, confused victim. It got him a fair amount of sympathy from acquaintances who weren't terribly knowledgeable about our relationship. Looking back on it, I suspect he was an alcoholic. Perhaps your ex is using social media the same way my ex used stories to his colleagues to promote himself.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 14
Our anniversay came and went last Sunday and it was a hard day. I made sure to focus on self care, but found myself on my knees praying to a high power and sobbing in the most guteral way I’ve ever cried. The emotions over took me and the sounds coming out of my body were from a very deep place. I prayed to god to help me, to bless her and to change me so I can find some compassion for all that she might be going through.
My world is shattered I feel, but I’m moving through. This week has been much better I’ve had a lot of exciting things going on and at times have felt greatful for the freedoms of my new reality. Unfortunately I’ve learned that she hasn’t told any of our shared friends that we are broken up. We keep being invited to the same events and she threatened our closest friend with the words of “if she’s invited to any event I’m invited to then I will not show up. If I ask for her not to be invited and you invite her anyway you will be disrespecting my boundaries.” When I learned of this I was extremely hurt, been in trying to respect this I have now had to tell three separate friends that I will not make their birthday parties due to our breakup. She still has herself listed as in a relationship with me on Facebook (a social platform she uses often) so everyone who is not super close with either of us is very confused. It’s frustrating that I have to break the news to everyone. I feel like she’s made a huge mess and despite trying to move forward I’m having to clean up after her.
I worry I will long and yearn for her presence in my life forever. I’m worried I will never stop being in love with her.
My world is shattered I feel, but I’m moving through. This week has been much better I’ve had a lot of exciting things going on and at times have felt greatful for the freedoms of my new reality. Unfortunately I’ve learned that she hasn’t told any of our shared friends that we are broken up. We keep being invited to the same events and she threatened our closest friend with the words of “if she’s invited to any event I’m invited to then I will not show up. If I ask for her not to be invited and you invite her anyway you will be disrespecting my boundaries.” When I learned of this I was extremely hurt, been in trying to respect this I have now had to tell three separate friends that I will not make their birthday parties due to our breakup. She still has herself listed as in a relationship with me on Facebook (a social platform she uses often) so everyone who is not super close with either of us is very confused. It’s frustrating that I have to break the news to everyone. I feel like she’s made a huge mess and despite trying to move forward I’m having to clean up after her.
I worry I will long and yearn for her presence in my life forever. I’m worried I will never stop being in love with her.
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Originally Posted by PlantsVorganic514
I worry I will long and yearn for her presence in my life forever. I’m worried I will never stop being in love with her.
She is not who she was, for whatever reason. Was that so perfect after the first few weeks?
She isolated (for whatever reason). She made plans with you for your birthday just before leaving, she insisted on planning a trip to Mexico for your anniversary just before leaving. She wanted to meet up with you to reconnect then said she couldn't see you anymore.
She honestly doesn't sound like a very nice person, what exactly is it you see in her or are yearning for?
Have you made a list of all the negatives about the relationship? It's easy to slip in to remembering all the good stuff and putting aside all the really negative stuff that might have occurred. When you have that list you can refer to it anytime you feel yourself slipping in to idealizing.
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