dawnayers

I am reading through some of the articles posted in Classic Reading - the one I am reading is There are many ways to be an enable an alcoholic.

I've been all 3. The rescuer, the martyr and the provoker. How else are we supposed to act? Right now I'm not speaking to him due to his actions of getting drunk and forgetting the violent fit he had. Reading this article makes this even more confusing to me.

He def has torn our family apart with not only his drinking but his temper and lack of respect and caring for the rest of us. Yes, I hold a lot of anger and resentment for this.

AnvilheadII

and how is that silent treatment working for you? or him? is it CHANGING anything?

rescuing, self martyring and provoking are all actions/choices aimed at or in reaction to ANOTHER. they serve no healthy self affirming purpose. we've let someone else become the pole for our tent.....without them, the structure collapses.

this is why we need to clearly assess our situation and decide what WE are going to do about it. no more staring at the mountain willing it to move.

dawnayers

Silent treatment hasn't helped anything but to cause me a lot of anxiety. As I am sure things are still moving right along in his world.

The point of the post - is what DO WE DO - instead of those things? I feel like I tried one, moved to another... and here we are. Him still blacking out drunk punching things scaring me and our 7 yo.

Bear with me - I am still reading -

yes - he was the pole to my tent.

Staring at the mountain willing it to move - (silent treatment). I wished it would bring him some sense of reality that he needs to do something to keep his family.

SparkleKitty

Dawn, he knows what he needs to do to keep his family, and I'll venture he has known it for a very long time. The answer to your questions has been staring you in the face for a long time. It's time to be willing to see it.

dawnayers

The answer to your questions has been staring you in the face for a long time. It's time to be willing to see it.

I'm trying. I think reading is making me more confused on my reactions.
TY.

atalose

I think it all comes down to changing how we react to their drinking and behaviors. It’s pretty useless arguing with a drunk or trying to have a meaningful conversation. Our frustration comes from us wanting them to be something they are not. And us not accepting that we cannot love them sober, talk them sober, plead them sober, beg them sober, bend over backwards for them so they get sober, guilt them sober, argue them sober or do passive aggressive behavior like not speaking to them because they drank.
And since we cannot change another human being into who we want them to be, that leaves the only changing that needs to be done is with US.

AnvilheadII

I feel like I tried one, moved to another... and here we are.

the actions you take are not designed to fix or change him.......
when we talk about DETACHING, we don't do so for THEM.
we detach ourselves from their antics so we don't lose our damn minds.

we also become willing to take actions to DISTANCE ourselves from those who are dangerous, scary and abusive. this must be done with care and timing. because now the "tent pole" is on FIRE.

less him, more you.

dawnayers

Reading today, I found another source for some information. Loveoveraddiction.com One article states:

This is a question I get a lot. Why do we know in our heads that leaving is the right thing, but our hearts want to go back?

Are you ready for the truth? It might be difficult to read but if you’re honest with yourself it may be something you need to hear.

The truth is, when we don’t completely love and accept ourselves, we are always looking for people and circumstances to reinforce our negative beliefs.

SparkleKitty

Yes. This has proven out for me personally. As long I was always trying to fill the void within from without, I ended up sad, empty and full of resentment. When I learned to fill it with my own unshakable sense of self-worth, it took back the power over my happiness.

atalose

Yes, having low self esteem causes the most hurtful damage in our lives. We make bad choices picking partners, then we stick around hoping and waiting for them to turn into someone they really aren't.

FireSprite

Yes, I consider this Codie Recovery 101 - without a good foundation, what can we expect to build? How do we teach others how to love & respect us when we can't define those things for ourselves? How do we lead our children?

Most of us were not brought up learning how to value ourselves & we spend our lives seeking external ways to fill an endless internal void.

What do we do? We take accountability for our sides of things - it's where we CAN create change. We identify the ways we need to change to create happiness for ourselves, figure out what that means in terms of boundaries & start implementing them, start searching for tools of all kinds to help us keep growing on our own & better able to mange our interactions with others.

KEEP READING!