Dealing with alcoholic baggage from precious relationship
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Dealing with alcoholic baggage from precious relationship
So, this is going to be different. If there is a better forum for my question please feel free to direct me. My ex of 4 years was an alcoholic. He died by suicide almost 2 years ago. The problem I am having is dealing with my husband now when he drinks. He is not an alcoholic. We both enjoy alcohol every now and then to unwind. But when I can tell is "buzzed" at minimum, I get... Anxious, upset, I'm not even sure what all I feel. But it stresses me out. I know he doesn't have a problem, but I spent 4 years loving a suicidal, self abusive, self hating alcoholic and I have a really hard time not getting upset around my husband... I don't want him to quit, as he does it only occasionally and I do as well, and he doesn't get outright drunk. I just want to be able to be normal again...
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Welcome Missinggonzo. I'm glad you found us and hope we can support you.
It does sound like you have been through the wringer. A suicide is a heavy burden even though it absolutely is not your fault.
I've actually never heard of a situation like this so can't really help. To me it is completely understandable that you would feel uncomfortable when your partner is buzzed.
Have you tried some counseling or alanon? Even if you are no longer with an alcoholic Alanon may be helpful.
It does sound like you have been through the wringer. A suicide is a heavy burden even though it absolutely is not your fault.
I've actually never heard of a situation like this so can't really help. To me it is completely understandable that you would feel uncomfortable when your partner is buzzed.
Have you tried some counseling or alanon? Even if you are no longer with an alcoholic Alanon may be helpful.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
I'm really sorry. I am however glad that you are in a good relationship. It's ironic because many of us here say we wouldn't want a relationship with someone in recovery, but I guess I never thought about what you might describe as triggers from someone who doesn't have a problem.
I hope someone can chime in for you. Just my opinion, but I would think counseling would help more than alanon.
I hope you two have good communication.
I hope someone can chime in for you. Just my opinion, but I would think counseling would help more than alanon.
I hope you two have good communication.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I’m sorry you’re struggling so much with that. It sounds like that is a real trigger and you probably have some degree of PTSD from your last relationship (it’s not just combat veterans or people that have been physically abused that get PTSD, any traumatic event in anyone’s life can cause PTSD) and it also sounds like maybe you never sought help for yourself while or after you were dealing with a relationship with an addict. I think we need help just as much as the addict. Even though alanon maybe of some help I would strongly suggest that you find a counselor with addiction experience to get help so they can help you process your past trauma and help you heal.
For me alcohol isn’t an actual trigger (I continue to drink about once a week myself and have fun with friends. I don’t usually get drunk though because i don’t like how it feels). My triggers have always been more the behaviors my RAH displayed when he was drinking. Everyone has different triggers and I have a feeling that yours is probably more common than we think. You’re not crazy, you have suffered a lot from a relationship with an addict and you need to help to heal from that. Be kind to yourself. It sound like you’ve got a wonderful partner now you just need some help with the past.
For me alcohol isn’t an actual trigger (I continue to drink about once a week myself and have fun with friends. I don’t usually get drunk though because i don’t like how it feels). My triggers have always been more the behaviors my RAH displayed when he was drinking. Everyone has different triggers and I have a feeling that yours is probably more common than we think. You’re not crazy, you have suffered a lot from a relationship with an addict and you need to help to heal from that. Be kind to yourself. It sound like you’ve got a wonderful partner now you just need some help with the past.
Does he know your history? Does he know how his drinking makes you feel? A good discussion with honest sharing would be a start. Then, let him know what is and isn’t a stressor for you. Is one drink ok? Two? I know of a woman in your exact same situation. Her husband loves her and has agreed to have a limit of 2 drinks because more than that stresses her so bad. It works for them.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Hi Missing, sorry you are going through the trauma of the past. You probably have some form of PTSD. I would suggest that you go to therapy to work through your feelings that are triggered around alcohol.
Congratulations on meeting and marrying another man. Do all you can to get better as it is not your current husband's fault how you are feeling.
Congratulations on meeting and marrying another man. Do all you can to get better as it is not your current husband's fault how you are feeling.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
My thoughts are in line with Sleepyhollow's post. I always thought PTSD needed to be caused by something like experiencing combat, or being in a natural disaster, but my doctor feels that I have a form of it that family members often get when they are dealing with a person who has a chronic illness. I think it was a mix of the experience of being a partner to one who was in active addiction, and the worry that came out during my complicated pregnancy. I kept having feelings like something bad was going to happen even when everything is ok now. You went through something very traumatic and Im very sorry for what you experienced. The Dr recommended therapy for me, using some behavioral tools to deal with irrational thoughts., stress and such. Its helped and those feelings are now much improved.
You are understandably hyper-vigilant around your husband's alcohol consumption. I agree with the suggestion to pursue counseling for yourself, and include your husband in the process as much as you can. I would imagine that he would much prefer to be part of your healing rather than a trigger for reliving past trauma. These things are difficult; try to be patient with yourself!
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