How do you handle custody of small kids?
 

Been a while since I have posted. Started here trying to figure out what to do with AH and ended up going down the divorce path.

With me out of the way his drinking has become more frequent and severe over the last 8 months.

We are close to finalizing our divorce and I'm at a loss what to argue for regarding custody. I started going down the path of 50/50 custody using Soberlink. (50/50 custody is typical in my state unless you argue otherwise). He agreed to Soberlink so it seemed like a good option. My kids have a sober dad in their lives!

Well, in theory that works but in reality it doesn't. He essentially doesn't blow in the thing if he knows he has been drinking. It has "dead batteries" or he "left if XYZ", etc. Doesnt happen often but has at least 3 in the last few months.

It's SO HARD because 9/10 times he's ok. The one time he's not good is potentially bad.

Now, awesome for me, my lawyer thinks I have already put myself in an unideal situation by initially agreeing to 50% and Soberlink. She thinks it's an uphill battle to change. And even if I change, ask to change to what? Even if he only has the kids every other weekend there is still the potential to drink. I'm feeling defeated. My court trial date is scheduled for May 1.

When you go to court in May, ask for a petition for revision to full custody with supervised visits if he is not going to respect the Soberlink model. When he's substantially stable with that, then you can do a modification down the road. Not sure of the ages of your children but you have to fight like a hellcat sometimes to keep them safe. In my state modifications are like every two years if you file for one, no sooner.

Start in a position of strength and control, then you can ease up as your children get older, your confidence is assuaged by him behaving more responsibly.

What are the consequences for him of not doing the soberlink? Do you have a clause no soberlink/passing soberlink no visit no 50/50custody until passes?

Agree. Better to start fighting now than have to go back with burden of proof later. His missed SoberLink tests are reason enough for you to be concerned and pursue supervised custody. And the court is way less likely to change things in the future than to consider your request now. I wish I had been more aggressive sooner; I am now at a point where I am pursuing a change of custody but it's now been years of worry and associated legal fees. And I only started this when I found out he had driven them drunk, putting them in real danger. I had told myself he would never do that but guess what? The disease is progressive and when it came time for him to protect his children or his drinking, he chose the latter.

If SoberLink is used, it is critical to have a court ordered and enforced protocol for a missed test. In our case it was kids coming back to me for several days and extension of the monitoring period.

When you initially agreed to use SoberLink you didn't know he was going to screw up 1/10 of the time. You expected 100% compliance. Now that you know he is not willing/able to be 100% compliant, some modification of the parenting agreement is necessary.

Can you propose a "laddered" approach to parenting and SoberLink? Start with supervised visits only. If he manages x weeks with no "fails" (missed tests or positive tests), he "graduates" to the next stage, short unsupervised visits. If he "fails" in this stage, he goes back down to supervised and has to complete x+y weeks of compliance before he can get back up to unsupervised. It's like Snakes and Ladders. This provides him with rewards or incentives for using SoberLink correctly and makes it clear that your objective is not to cut him off completely from the kids (even if that's what you would secretly like to happen). That's the arrangement I've got, which was just signed into a court order by a judge.

i am soooooo sorry that any of you have to fight so damn hard just to keep your children SAFE. i am speechless at how the courts operate and favor the trainwreck of a parent. it just makes me so damn mad.....sending you tons of support.