Can someone please explain way I've been dumped while my girlfriend is currently in treatment
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
glad ya found us,Woundedone.
im one of them double winners- both a recovered alcoholic and codie. the kicker( and i can laugh about it now because i can see how messed up i was) was i didnt address the codependency until a few years into recovery. i sure got a good huge heapin taste of my own medicine. karma-who knew!
anyways, what i read of her is quite a bit like how i used to be- seek out fixers. find women that basically didnt so much want a one on one relationship with me, but would want to try and fix me- ones i could manipulate and get what i wanted. ones i could use for my own selfish meens( did i spell that correctly?).
eventually i got sober. addressed the alcoholism issues, but NOT the codie issues and boy, did i pick me a doozy to get into a relationship with- a chronic relapser that i was trying to save and rescue. shower her with gifts, do for her what she could have done for herself- all that good untreated codependant stuff. thats how i showed love. however, i truly never learned what love was and how to show it. i had my perception of love and it was quite misconstrued.
after i ended the relationship, i had some good talks with a friend. actually, i was pretty angry and pointing the finger at her while he would just stand there smiling, which made me more angry. he would listen, then say,"and who allowed you to have that happen,tom? who is really responsible for it all when you saw the red flags from the beginning?"
that truth hurt and honestly i didnt accept it for a while- i was responsible for allowing it to happen to me.
and i STILL didnt fully address the codependent part.
and let myself get invloved with someone that was emotionally unavailaible.
and believed things like this:
I feel as though right when things are going my way with her in treatment
I fight for what I love
don't give up on someone.
which had MANY problems with it which i needed the help of someone else to help me see how jacked up my logic was.
first off, i was only lookin at MY way of how things should go. i was lookin at how the future would be through MY eye and not hers.
then, i didnt truly know what love is and how it works.
then, i was not giving up on someone that was unavailable. i was trying to force MY WAY to materialize. i was there when the drama of life happened( it was all drama she created), there when shed get a little deeper into alcoholism, there when she went to jail for a DUI. there to pick her up every time. because,ya know, im super powerful Tom and this will show her how awesome i am!
and kept getting hurt and hurt and hurt but in denial about it.
with the help of an awesome member here with a pink crowbar, who earned some serious combat pay , my head eventually poppped outta my but and DAM was i hurtin! denial about it all was gone. i had accepted the truth and the truth was:
i was a friggin boggled up sober mess with untreated codependency!
THAT was when i was able to start workin on it.
back to when i was drinking: what made me make the decision to get help to get sober?
desperation. the pain of getting drunk had exceeded the pain of reality.
what made me make the decision to get help with the codependency?
desperation. the pain of trying to get someone to love me exceeded the pain of reality.
mental and emotional pain sucks. straight up. however, it can help people learn and change for the better.
one more thing and this isnt meant to be cruel, but could be the whats happening:
2 months into recovery the mental fog was lifting for me. i was starting truly see quite a bit. your GF may have the same thing happening, realized the motive for the relationship was not right, and decided to give you the gift of letting you go.
one more thing on this:
I was told that treatment centers sometimes brain wash the alcoholics into thinking that the people that love them most are the demons that sometimes keep them sick.
people that end up in treatment typically need their brains washed!
HOWEVER, getting the clients to think that the people that love them most are the demons ?
ive met a LOT of people that have gone to various treatment centers and havent heard that once.
im one of them double winners- both a recovered alcoholic and codie. the kicker( and i can laugh about it now because i can see how messed up i was) was i didnt address the codependency until a few years into recovery. i sure got a good huge heapin taste of my own medicine. karma-who knew!
anyways, what i read of her is quite a bit like how i used to be- seek out fixers. find women that basically didnt so much want a one on one relationship with me, but would want to try and fix me- ones i could manipulate and get what i wanted. ones i could use for my own selfish meens( did i spell that correctly?).
eventually i got sober. addressed the alcoholism issues, but NOT the codie issues and boy, did i pick me a doozy to get into a relationship with- a chronic relapser that i was trying to save and rescue. shower her with gifts, do for her what she could have done for herself- all that good untreated codependant stuff. thats how i showed love. however, i truly never learned what love was and how to show it. i had my perception of love and it was quite misconstrued.
after i ended the relationship, i had some good talks with a friend. actually, i was pretty angry and pointing the finger at her while he would just stand there smiling, which made me more angry. he would listen, then say,"and who allowed you to have that happen,tom? who is really responsible for it all when you saw the red flags from the beginning?"
that truth hurt and honestly i didnt accept it for a while- i was responsible for allowing it to happen to me.
and i STILL didnt fully address the codependent part.
and let myself get invloved with someone that was emotionally unavailaible.
and believed things like this:
I feel as though right when things are going my way with her in treatment
I fight for what I love
don't give up on someone.
which had MANY problems with it which i needed the help of someone else to help me see how jacked up my logic was.
first off, i was only lookin at MY way of how things should go. i was lookin at how the future would be through MY eye and not hers.
then, i didnt truly know what love is and how it works.
then, i was not giving up on someone that was unavailable. i was trying to force MY WAY to materialize. i was there when the drama of life happened( it was all drama she created), there when shed get a little deeper into alcoholism, there when she went to jail for a DUI. there to pick her up every time. because,ya know, im super powerful Tom and this will show her how awesome i am!
and kept getting hurt and hurt and hurt but in denial about it.
with the help of an awesome member here with a pink crowbar, who earned some serious combat pay , my head eventually poppped outta my but and DAM was i hurtin! denial about it all was gone. i had accepted the truth and the truth was:
i was a friggin boggled up sober mess with untreated codependency!
THAT was when i was able to start workin on it.
back to when i was drinking: what made me make the decision to get help to get sober?
desperation. the pain of getting drunk had exceeded the pain of reality.
what made me make the decision to get help with the codependency?
desperation. the pain of trying to get someone to love me exceeded the pain of reality.
mental and emotional pain sucks. straight up. however, it can help people learn and change for the better.
one more thing and this isnt meant to be cruel, but could be the whats happening:
2 months into recovery the mental fog was lifting for me. i was starting truly see quite a bit. your GF may have the same thing happening, realized the motive for the relationship was not right, and decided to give you the gift of letting you go.
one more thing on this:
I was told that treatment centers sometimes brain wash the alcoholics into thinking that the people that love them most are the demons that sometimes keep them sick.
people that end up in treatment typically need their brains washed!
HOWEVER, getting the clients to think that the people that love them most are the demons ?
ive met a LOT of people that have gone to various treatment centers and havent heard that once.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know for me as more time passed and in doing a relationship autopsy I discovered so many of my own good character traits, kind, caring, loving, patient, etc. were on mega doses of steroids!! Way over the healthy line and deep into codependency territory all in the name of love.
Posting here, learning about alcoholism, addiction and addict behaviors along with al-anon has helped me grow and to develop healthier boundaries and coping skills. I rather like being kind and caring and loving and patient even more so today because all of those good qualities no longer strangle me or are sucking the happiness of life out of me.
You already sound realistic with logical thoughts regarding your part in this relationship and that is good. We can’t fix what we don’t acknowledge right.
Posting here, learning about alcoholism, addiction and addict behaviors along with al-anon has helped me grow and to develop healthier boundaries and coping skills. I rather like being kind and caring and loving and patient even more so today because all of those good qualities no longer strangle me or are sucking the happiness of life out of me.
You already sound realistic with logical thoughts regarding your part in this relationship and that is good. We can’t fix what we don’t acknowledge right.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
If it's any help, I can tell you that after a couple years out from my relationship with my ex, there are a few things I can see pretty clearly.
I should start by saying that I thought we were the most perfect loving couple on the planet when we were together. We had the same interests, knew how to have fun, and spent a lot of time doing things I love to do.
But...
After some time away, and a whole lot of painful clarity, I can see that:
After I told him his drinking was not OK the first time (there were hundreds of times I said it after that)...
He spent our relationship trying to hurt me, over and over. With his words and actions.
I spent our relationship trying to make him feel bad for drinking and for hurting me.
NOW, I can say with all certainty, that it wasn't any kind of healthy love. It was some insane game of spy vs spy....both of us trying to manipulate the other into bending into whom we wanted the other to be. It was a sick, miserable cycle, and was no way to live. And FWIW, going no contact helped me take my power back at the end, and was the fastest most direct route for me to grieve, and then move forward. My best to you, I know how painful it all is!
I should start by saying that I thought we were the most perfect loving couple on the planet when we were together. We had the same interests, knew how to have fun, and spent a lot of time doing things I love to do.
But...
After some time away, and a whole lot of painful clarity, I can see that:
After I told him his drinking was not OK the first time (there were hundreds of times I said it after that)...
He spent our relationship trying to hurt me, over and over. With his words and actions.
I spent our relationship trying to make him feel bad for drinking and for hurting me.
NOW, I can say with all certainty, that it wasn't any kind of healthy love. It was some insane game of spy vs spy....both of us trying to manipulate the other into bending into whom we wanted the other to be. It was a sick, miserable cycle, and was no way to live. And FWIW, going no contact helped me take my power back at the end, and was the fastest most direct route for me to grieve, and then move forward. My best to you, I know how painful it all is!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I feel as though right when things are going my way with her in treatment working on getting well that the rug has been pulled out from beneath me. Not what I had planned on how this would go. I hate the word POWERLESS!
i think this statement could use a little examination....
right when "things" are going YOUR way......as if you somehow orchestrated her path to recovery and therefore get ownership and dominion OVER recovery. as if HER recovery is YOUR reward for a job well done.
powerless is NOT a bad thing. it keeps our EGO in check.
tell ya what, go head to the nearest saltwater shoreline and command the tides to rise. or watch the morning sunrise, and then command it STOP in it's arc. more personally, drink a gallon of water and then see just how long you maintain POWER over your bladder.
see we aren't charge of other people, of their lives, their choices, their changes. even when those choices and changes affect us. we are only in charge of our response.
i think this statement could use a little examination....
right when "things" are going YOUR way......as if you somehow orchestrated her path to recovery and therefore get ownership and dominion OVER recovery. as if HER recovery is YOUR reward for a job well done.
powerless is NOT a bad thing. it keeps our EGO in check.
tell ya what, go head to the nearest saltwater shoreline and command the tides to rise. or watch the morning sunrise, and then command it STOP in it's arc. more personally, drink a gallon of water and then see just how long you maintain POWER over your bladder.
see we aren't charge of other people, of their lives, their choices, their changes. even when those choices and changes affect us. we are only in charge of our response.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Ohio
Posts: 24
I will definitely take a look at ACOA. My environment I grew up in however was not related to an alcoholic parent but to a narcissist and emotional abuser. But I'm sure ACOA will give me some more insightful information. I can use all the help I can get.
Today has been very hard with thoughts of her swarming in my head. I try and distract myself like the advice given here.But its very difficult to do. I find myself voraciously reading on the site everything I can in hopes of trying to grasp what has happened.
And luckily I'm off work cause all I do is cry every time she pops in my head. But maybe crying is my way of purging her from my system.
I do have a good support system who thinks she is absolutely crazy and they are very upset with her for treating me this way. I also find I'm angry very angry ! Then I'll see something on tv and get very sad. Probably par for the course with the influx of different emotions. I just thank God I can feel my emotions and know what they are without having to self medicate like my gf. Whoops I mean EX gf. I'm still trying to think positive in my head.
Today has been very hard with thoughts of her swarming in my head. I try and distract myself like the advice given here.But its very difficult to do. I find myself voraciously reading on the site everything I can in hopes of trying to grasp what has happened.
And luckily I'm off work cause all I do is cry every time she pops in my head. But maybe crying is my way of purging her from my system.
I do have a good support system who thinks she is absolutely crazy and they are very upset with her for treating me this way. I also find I'm angry very angry ! Then I'll see something on tv and get very sad. Probably par for the course with the influx of different emotions. I just thank God I can feel my emotions and know what they are without having to self medicate like my gf. Whoops I mean EX gf. I'm still trying to think positive in my head.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Ohio
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
glad ya found us,Woundedone.
im one of them double winners- both a recovered alcoholic and codie. the kicker( and i can laugh about it now because i can see how messed up i was) was i didnt address the codependency until a few years into recovery. i sure got a good huge heapin taste of my own medicine. karma-who knew!
anyways, what i read of her is quite a bit like how i used to be- seek out fixers. find women that basically didnt so much want a one on one relationship with me, but would want to try and fix me- ones i could manipulate and get what i wanted. ones i could use for my own selfish meens( did i spell that correctly?).
eventually i got sober. addressed the alcoholism issues, but NOT the codie issues and boy, did i pick me a doozy to get into a relationship with- a chronic relapser that i was trying to save and rescue. shower her with gifts, do for her what she could have done for herself- all that good untreated codependant stuff. thats how i showed love. however, i truly never learned what love was and how to show it. i had my perception of love and it was quite misconstrued.
after i ended the relationship, i had some good talks with a friend. actually, i was pretty angry and pointing the finger at her while he would just stand there smiling, which made me more angry. he would listen, then say,"and who allowed you to have that happen,tom? who is really responsible for it all when you saw the red flags from the beginning?"
that truth hurt and honestly i didnt accept it for a while- i was responsible for allowing it to happen to me.
and i STILL didnt fully address the codependent part.
and let myself get invloved with someone that was emotionally unavailaible.
and believed things like this:
I feel as though right when things are going my way with her in treatment
I fight for what I love
don't give up on someone.
which had MANY problems with it which i needed the help of someone else to help me see how jacked up my logic was.
first off, i was only lookin at MY way of how things should go. i was lookin at how the future would be through MY eye and not hers.
then, i didnt truly know what love is and how it works.
then, i was not giving up on someone that was unavailable. i was trying to force MY WAY to materialize. i was there when the drama of life happened( it was all drama she created), there when shed get a little deeper into alcoholism, there when she went to jail for a DUI. there to pick her up every time. because,ya know, im super powerful Tom and this will show her how awesome i am!
and kept getting hurt and hurt and hurt but in denial about it.
with the help of an awesome member here with a pink crowbar, who earned some serious combat pay , my head eventually poppped outta my but and DAM was i hurtin! denial about it all was gone. i had accepted the truth and the truth was:
i was a friggin boggled up sober mess with untreated codependency!
THAT was when i was able to start workin on it.
back to when i was drinking: what made me make the decision to get help to get sober?
desperation. the pain of getting drunk had exceeded the pain of reality.
what made me make the decision to get help with the codependency?
desperation. the pain of trying to get someone to love me exceeded the pain of reality.
mental and emotional pain sucks. straight up. however, it can help people learn and change for the better.
one more thing and this isnt meant to be cruel, but could be the whats happening:
2 months into recovery the mental fog was lifting for me. i was starting truly see quite a bit. your GF may have the same thing happening, realized the motive for the relationship was not right, and decided to give you the gift of letting you go.
one more thing on this:
I was told that treatment centers sometimes brain wash the alcoholics into thinking that the people that love them most are the demons that sometimes keep them sick.
people that end up in treatment typically need their brains washed!
HOWEVER, getting the clients to think that the people that love them most are the demons ?
ive met a LOT of people that have gone to various treatment centers and havent heard that once.
im one of them double winners- both a recovered alcoholic and codie. the kicker( and i can laugh about it now because i can see how messed up i was) was i didnt address the codependency until a few years into recovery. i sure got a good huge heapin taste of my own medicine. karma-who knew!
anyways, what i read of her is quite a bit like how i used to be- seek out fixers. find women that basically didnt so much want a one on one relationship with me, but would want to try and fix me- ones i could manipulate and get what i wanted. ones i could use for my own selfish meens( did i spell that correctly?).
eventually i got sober. addressed the alcoholism issues, but NOT the codie issues and boy, did i pick me a doozy to get into a relationship with- a chronic relapser that i was trying to save and rescue. shower her with gifts, do for her what she could have done for herself- all that good untreated codependant stuff. thats how i showed love. however, i truly never learned what love was and how to show it. i had my perception of love and it was quite misconstrued.
after i ended the relationship, i had some good talks with a friend. actually, i was pretty angry and pointing the finger at her while he would just stand there smiling, which made me more angry. he would listen, then say,"and who allowed you to have that happen,tom? who is really responsible for it all when you saw the red flags from the beginning?"
that truth hurt and honestly i didnt accept it for a while- i was responsible for allowing it to happen to me.
and i STILL didnt fully address the codependent part.
and let myself get invloved with someone that was emotionally unavailaible.
and believed things like this:
I feel as though right when things are going my way with her in treatment
I fight for what I love
don't give up on someone.
which had MANY problems with it which i needed the help of someone else to help me see how jacked up my logic was.
first off, i was only lookin at MY way of how things should go. i was lookin at how the future would be through MY eye and not hers.
then, i didnt truly know what love is and how it works.
then, i was not giving up on someone that was unavailable. i was trying to force MY WAY to materialize. i was there when the drama of life happened( it was all drama she created), there when shed get a little deeper into alcoholism, there when she went to jail for a DUI. there to pick her up every time. because,ya know, im super powerful Tom and this will show her how awesome i am!
and kept getting hurt and hurt and hurt but in denial about it.
with the help of an awesome member here with a pink crowbar, who earned some serious combat pay , my head eventually poppped outta my but and DAM was i hurtin! denial about it all was gone. i had accepted the truth and the truth was:
i was a friggin boggled up sober mess with untreated codependency!
THAT was when i was able to start workin on it.
back to when i was drinking: what made me make the decision to get help to get sober?
desperation. the pain of getting drunk had exceeded the pain of reality.
what made me make the decision to get help with the codependency?
desperation. the pain of trying to get someone to love me exceeded the pain of reality.
mental and emotional pain sucks. straight up. however, it can help people learn and change for the better.
one more thing and this isnt meant to be cruel, but could be the whats happening:
2 months into recovery the mental fog was lifting for me. i was starting truly see quite a bit. your GF may have the same thing happening, realized the motive for the relationship was not right, and decided to give you the gift of letting you go.
one more thing on this:
I was told that treatment centers sometimes brain wash the alcoholics into thinking that the people that love them most are the demons that sometimes keep them sick.
people that end up in treatment typically need their brains washed!
HOWEVER, getting the clients to think that the people that love them most are the demons ?
ive met a LOT of people that have gone to various treatment centers and havent heard that once.
Thank you TomSteve for this!
I'm so glad your doing well and you are an inspiration. It was good for me to read your point of view. You show me that it is possible to heal and deal with your issues not matter how hard they are. Sounds like you went thru a lot on both sides of the spectrum.
Sounds very close to how she is behaving as you had once behaved in your addiction. But I guess everyone has the same similarities to some extent in their stories.
Yes I guess I'm very co-dependant ! I too need to work on that in myself for sure. YEs I cleaned up messes she got herself into. Was there for her after she dumped me once before and she went with someone else got physical (charged as domestic violence)with that person and arrested in another state .She only knew that person for like a few weeks. She then called me to say she was arrested and what did I do....I went back to her. Bought her manipulating lies of how much she loved me .... how I was always the one. Oh gosh my poor decisions in regards to her. I have made so many...UGH!
She also seems to be a troll on dating sites when she is drinking. Thats how she met the person she assaulted.ANd come to think of it thats how I met her! When I look back i always tried to trust her with no avail. Always caught her doing something destructive to her getting well. I was such a fool to stay with this. I know that now. It seemed to just keep escalating worse and worse each time . I take total blame for putting myself in this situation but that is the Codie in me. So I would say it is essential i help myself in that arena.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I was such a fool to stay with this. ummm...NO. NOT a fool.
. I take total blame for putting myself in this situation but that is the Codie in me
something i hope you can do is change this up a bit- not take the blame, but accept responsibility for your part.
something else you can do:
toss out the ass kicking machine. it aint gonna help ya. NOT put it in the closet. NOT disassemble and put in the attic- toss it out.
youre not a bad man, just sick and there is a solution.
theres a book often suggested here titled,"codependant no more." its pretty darn good.
also theres a collection of reading here on this site:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (About Recovery)
. I take total blame for putting myself in this situation but that is the Codie in me
something i hope you can do is change this up a bit- not take the blame, but accept responsibility for your part.
something else you can do:
toss out the ass kicking machine. it aint gonna help ya. NOT put it in the closet. NOT disassemble and put in the attic- toss it out.
youre not a bad man, just sick and there is a solution.
theres a book often suggested here titled,"codependant no more." its pretty darn good.
also theres a collection of reading here on this site:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (About Recovery)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
something else you can do:
toss out the ass kicking machine. it aint gonna help ya. NOT put it in the closet. NOT disassemble and put in the attic- toss it out.
youre not a bad man, just sick and there is a solution.
theres a book often suggested here titled,"codependant no more." its pretty darn good.
toss out the ass kicking machine. it aint gonna help ya. NOT put it in the closet. NOT disassemble and put in the attic- toss it out.
youre not a bad man, just sick and there is a solution.
theres a book often suggested here titled,"codependant no more." its pretty darn good.
I beat myself up for getting into, and for staying in the relationship SO MUCH.
It took me FAR longer to forgive myself for those 2 things than it did for me to forgive all the awfully crappy things xabf did.
Its such a paradox that we have high expectations of others, because we have insanely high expectations of ourselves....yet the whole time we will accept absolutely unacceptable behavior in the name that *maybe* they will become who we want them to be one day....all the while neglecting who we want ourselves to be.
Seriously...wtf...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
ACOA is not only for people who grew up in alcoholic families - it's also for people who grew up in dysfunctional families, and your description definitely fits the bill. I grew up around zero alcohol whatsoever, but my family was very dysfunctional, and I have found much solace in ACOA.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Wounded one it does seem you are earning your "combat pay" as Tomsteve calls. Definitely not fun for anyone of us.
Those obsessive thoughts are pretty much part of the show at this point. Definitely don't beat yourself up about them; it was part of the grieving for me. Alcoholics getting sober talk about surfing the alcohol craving. You could try that although I can't say I've ever heard of anyone doing it when going no-contact with their qualifier.
Cry, rage, grieve and get to bed with out trying to contact her and realize that is pretty darn spectacular at this point.
Those obsessive thoughts are pretty much part of the show at this point. Definitely don't beat yourself up about them; it was part of the grieving for me. Alcoholics getting sober talk about surfing the alcohol craving. You could try that although I can't say I've ever heard of anyone doing it when going no-contact with their qualifier.
Cry, rage, grieve and get to bed with out trying to contact her and realize that is pretty darn spectacular at this point.
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