Hate his new “sober” side!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Hate his new “sober” side!
AH has according to him not had a drink for over 3 weeks. He has admittedly lost weight and I can’t smell “that smell” on him anywhere near as bad.
He never ever has admitted to being an alcoholic and is not following a programme so this is according to him just a “health kick”. I’m not sure what spurred it because I’ve never pressured him to stop.
Anyway back to the problem. I HATE him right now, he’s acting weird. And no I’m not convinced he’s totally sober. A couple of red flags for me have been that he’s coming to bed very late (after 1am) which he often did before but that was because he was passed out on the sofa drunk. I hear him drink gallons of water before he comes to bed then very quietly brush his teeth. He NEVER brushed his teeth before his teeth and breath were vile. So I did the worst thing last night! I’m ashamed to admit that I waited until he was asleep (snoring and twitching like he does after a drink?) and I went searching with a torch for signs he’d had a drink!
I know I know!!! It’s making me the crazy one!! I never did this when he was openly drinking though? I thought I had detached but clearly I haven’t. I found no signs of booze and couldn’t smell it on him so feel terribly guilty now. Maybe he really is off it and not an alcoholic at all!?
He is moody and grumpy critical and downright argumentative today as he always is. Picking on my daughter demanding she clean the kitchen calling her names (lazy selfish etc) and making sly comments. She made herself toasted hot cross buns and went to wash her hands and he ate them thinking it was funny. He’s just downright horrible to her at the moment. This is how he always is. I have seen zero improvement in his personality during the last three weeks and I know I shouldn’t be expecting miricles but how realistic is it that someone that’s drunk 25 units a day for over 30 years can just give it up like he has without support?
This forum I have to just add, has been a life saver for me I’ve been reading all the sticky’s and threads and read the book “codependent no more” as a result but still got so much to learn and process.
He never ever has admitted to being an alcoholic and is not following a programme so this is according to him just a “health kick”. I’m not sure what spurred it because I’ve never pressured him to stop.
Anyway back to the problem. I HATE him right now, he’s acting weird. And no I’m not convinced he’s totally sober. A couple of red flags for me have been that he’s coming to bed very late (after 1am) which he often did before but that was because he was passed out on the sofa drunk. I hear him drink gallons of water before he comes to bed then very quietly brush his teeth. He NEVER brushed his teeth before his teeth and breath were vile. So I did the worst thing last night! I’m ashamed to admit that I waited until he was asleep (snoring and twitching like he does after a drink?) and I went searching with a torch for signs he’d had a drink!
I know I know!!! It’s making me the crazy one!! I never did this when he was openly drinking though? I thought I had detached but clearly I haven’t. I found no signs of booze and couldn’t smell it on him so feel terribly guilty now. Maybe he really is off it and not an alcoholic at all!?
He is moody and grumpy critical and downright argumentative today as he always is. Picking on my daughter demanding she clean the kitchen calling her names (lazy selfish etc) and making sly comments. She made herself toasted hot cross buns and went to wash her hands and he ate them thinking it was funny. He’s just downright horrible to her at the moment. This is how he always is. I have seen zero improvement in his personality during the last three weeks and I know I shouldn’t be expecting miricles but how realistic is it that someone that’s drunk 25 units a day for over 30 years can just give it up like he has without support?
This forum I have to just add, has been a life saver for me I’ve been reading all the sticky’s and threads and read the book “codependent no more” as a result but still got so much to learn and process.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Sounds like untreated alcoholism to me. When we stop drinking, if we don't work on our recovery we tend to be restless, irritable,and discontent. This can make us pretty mean and unbearable. Sleep doesn't come easy in early sobriety for many folk. Tempers flair. Ohhhh, we can be pretty vile.
I do hope he decides to reach out for some support and starts to work a program of recovery. For you and your daughters sakes, and for his.
In the meantime it doesn't stop you reaching for some support yourself, as well as this wonderful place there is AlAnon and AlATeen both of which could be valuable resources for you and your daughter. Please don't underestimate the potential effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent. The good news is that there is help available.
BB
I do hope he decides to reach out for some support and starts to work a program of recovery. For you and your daughters sakes, and for his.
In the meantime it doesn't stop you reaching for some support yourself, as well as this wonderful place there is AlAnon and AlATeen both of which could be valuable resources for you and your daughter. Please don't underestimate the potential effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent. The good news is that there is help available.
BB
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Ugh Rainingbuttons. This sounds terrible. I've never lived with a recovering alcoholic but I've heard it is almost worse than living with an alcoholic. I'm not saying he is recovering . . . .more likely he is just white knuckling through a period of not drinking or drinking less.
Have you been working on a plan of what you want to do given future events? Of course we all wanted our qualifiers to get better and be the person we needed so we didn't have to change. However this is unlikely.
Have you been working on a plan of what you want to do given future events? Of course we all wanted our qualifiers to get better and be the person we needed so we didn't have to change. However this is unlikely.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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He is moody and grumpy critical and downright argumentative today as he always is. Picking on my daughter demanding she clean the kitchen calling her names (lazy selfish etc) and making sly comments. She made herself toasted hot cross buns and went to wash her hands and he ate them thinking it was funny. He’s just downright horrible to her at the moment. This is how he always is.
Years ago in al-anon a woman shared, if they weren’t a piano player before the drinking then don’t expect them to be one when they get sober.
Often we blame their ill behaviors on the booze thinking that once the booze is no longer present they will become the kind of person we had always hoped they could be.
But when someone is just a jerk and you add booze to that they are just a drunk jerk – take away the booze and you still have the jerk.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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He is moody and grumpy critical and downright argumentative today as he always is. Picking on my daughter demanding she clean the kitchen calling her names (lazy selfish etc) and making sly comments. She made herself toasted hot cross buns and went to wash her hands and he ate them thinking it was funny. He’s just downright horrible to her at the moment. This is how he always is.
It's not OK for your daughter to be abused like this. The poor girl must be miserable. If you can't get away from him for yourself do it for your daughter. She deserves a happy life. He sounds a complete jerk regardless of is he is in recovery ( which is unlikely) or not.
It's not OK for your daughter to be abused like this. The poor girl must be miserable. If you can't get away from him for yourself do it for your daughter. She deserves a happy life. He sounds a complete jerk regardless of is he is in recovery ( which is unlikely) or not.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Originally Posted by atalose 
Sounds like a very sad and humiliating unhappy life for your daughter.
Years ago in al-anon a woman shared, if they weren’t a piano player before the drinking then don’t expect them to be one when they get sober.
Often we blame their ill behaviors on the booze thinking that once the booze is no longer present they will become the kind of person we had always hoped they could be.
But when someone is just a jerk and you add booze to that they are just a drunk jerk – take away the booze and you still have the jerk.
Years ago in al-anon a woman shared, if they weren’t a piano player before the drinking then don’t expect them to be one when they get sober.
Often we blame their ill behaviors on the booze thinking that once the booze is no longer present they will become the kind of person we had always hoped they could be.
But when someone is just a jerk and you add booze to that they are just a drunk jerk – take away the booze and you still have the jerk.
Yes. This! ^^^^
My DD is his step daughter but he’s been in her life since she was 4. He seems to alternate between picking on her and her older sister that still lives at home she’s 20. He seems to resent that they still live at home and thinks they are bone idle. They both do lots to help actually - but it’s the way he asks them that is wrong. Nasty and full of criticism.
My 17yo wants to do a course in beauty at college in September. The other morning she’d spent ages in her room doing her makeup practising a technique and she looked stunning. She came downstairs to make a cup of tea and AH was in the kitchen with two people that work for him.
Showing off he said to my DD “ugh what have you done to your face?” Then he said “there’s more work in a sicknote” making the two people laugh. He continued “you’d better wash that mug up after you’ve used it!” As she walked away he said “yeah that’s right better go back to bed after all that effort eh?” She was in bits. Came to see me and cried. He really embarrassed her. And me? I’m too weak to confront him and avoid confrontation so I didn’t challenge him about it. That doesn’t make me feel good and I let my daughter down. But he is just too horrible to argue with and I can’t face a show down. So we all continue treading on egg shells round him whilst he continues to be an arse 😬
Yes something has GOT to change.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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I’m too weak to confront him and avoid confrontation so I didn’t challenge him about it. That doesn’t make me feel good and I let my daughter down.
It might be of great benefit to you/them to talk to someone who has a lot of knowledge and experience in domestic violence by calling a domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-7233. Domestic violence doesn’t have to be physical in order for it to be domestic violence. Verbal abuse is also considered a form of domestic violence.
They have resources available that they can direct you to seek out and your daughters to seek out. Counseling, therapy, face to face support a whole directly of resources that fit your needs.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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My stepfather (not an alcoholic but an asshat just the same) constantly belittled and criticized my siblings and me while we were growing up. The effects were NOT good, leading to so many problems I can't even begin to list them--and the problems don't end when the child moves out of the house, oh NO! They've got a lifetime of baggage to carry with them, into every job, every friendship, every love relationship, into their view of themselves. It is a terrible, scarring, damaging thing, and please do NOT allow this to happen to your children.
If you doubt the effect or think "how bad could it be?", check this section of the forum: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...holic-parents/
If you doubt the effect or think "how bad could it be?", check this section of the forum: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...holic-parents/
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
My AH drank a ton of water when he was "cutting back" He was secretly drinking just as much but had switched from very hoppy beers which smelled to high heaven to vodka and spiced rum. It changed his smell but not his attitude or his sleeping habits. Trust your gut. PS my AH hid alcohol in the toilet tank for real.
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aliciagr...the OP in in an abusive situation (by her own description)....and, she is afraid to comfront him. She said so...
In abusive situations...the advice by professionals who work with victims is not to push confrontation....as it can be dangerous....
Same with family/couples therapy that includes the aggressor....because it puts the victim/s at a disadvantage and may make their situation even worse.....
It is advised that they be directed toward help from those who are experienced with abuse...and, individual therapy.....
Even alanon can be dangerous for a person who is in abusive situations...because the detachment and confrontation can make the abuser angry and cause more violence....
Safety is always the first concern.....
In abusive situations...the advice by professionals who work with victims is not to push confrontation....as it can be dangerous....
Same with family/couples therapy that includes the aggressor....because it puts the victim/s at a disadvantage and may make their situation even worse.....
It is advised that they be directed toward help from those who are experienced with abuse...and, individual therapy.....
Even alanon can be dangerous for a person who is in abusive situations...because the detachment and confrontation can make the abuser angry and cause more violence....
Safety is always the first concern.....
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Okay peeps, please limit your responses to your personal experience with the original question. Talking to each other is hijacking a thread and is not allowed.
Please also read the stickies on how to help someone who is being abused and follow those guidelines.
I have removed posts that do not follow SR rules.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Please also read the stickies on how to help someone who is being abused and follow those guidelines.
I have removed posts that do not follow SR rules.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Last edited by DesertEyes; 04-03-2018 at 08:42 AM.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Alanon is something I haven’t yet tried .. I have found a meeting and yet I’d have to explain to AH where I was going or lie? The same time every week too so that’s one I’m trying to figure out. It’s on my radar and I’m doing LOTS of reading in the meantime to educate myself. Thankyou for all the replies. He’s not physically abusive just very verbally tough and on the defensive all the time. I try to avoid conflict because when he looses his temper he starts ranting and raging and the whole family suffer the kids get scared and we have to put up with his moods and the bad atmosphere goes on for days. Actually writing all this down makes me see how sick this all sounds and I am exhausted and fed up with him dictating to us all.
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Originally Posted by atalose
RainingButtons, always use caution, you know your situation better than any of us. Does he work during the day where maybe you can get out for a meeting or some counseling?
Actually I have an idea... I might be able to take my eldest daughter with me and say it’s group therapy for her OCD .. if she’s willing. 🤔
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My heart just breaks for you & especially your daughters.
The chances are great that they will get involved in relationships
where they choose people who will treat them like your husband
treats them. The books written about this "generational" disease
of alcoholism could fill the grand canyon. This is what seems
normal and comfortable to them- its what they know.
Please consider some of the great advice you have received here
so that you & your daughters can safely get out of this abusive environment.
The chances are great that they will get involved in relationships
where they choose people who will treat them like your husband
treats them. The books written about this "generational" disease
of alcoholism could fill the grand canyon. This is what seems
normal and comfortable to them- its what they know.
Please consider some of the great advice you have received here
so that you & your daughters can safely get out of this abusive environment.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
When my husband was in active addiction it progressed to a point where I was afraid of him. He was just so unpredictable and he didn't think rationally. So there was a time when I had to move out for a while in order to clear my thoughts. One of the best things that I did for myself was to seek out therapy. If you have that option, I would consider it.
Also was wondering if you have shared this situation with family or close friends? Do you have support? I isolated for a period of time ashamed to tell my family what was going on. When I was able to share it was a huge burden lifted from me.
My husband didn't change overnight when he stopped using. It takes time for the brain to heal. It affects moods, thinking, everything really. But in addition to this, as someone else said - if you sober up a horse thief, you still have a horse thief. Did you know him before he was drinking? How long have you been living with these specific types of behaviors in your home?
Also was wondering if you have shared this situation with family or close friends? Do you have support? I isolated for a period of time ashamed to tell my family what was going on. When I was able to share it was a huge burden lifted from me.
My husband didn't change overnight when he stopped using. It takes time for the brain to heal. It affects moods, thinking, everything really. But in addition to this, as someone else said - if you sober up a horse thief, you still have a horse thief. Did you know him before he was drinking? How long have you been living with these specific types of behaviors in your home?
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