Hate his new “sober” side!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I hate even talking about this but here goes.
My first long term relationship was physically abusive. He was not an alcoholic but there was lots of alcohol involved initially (that stopped).
I don't know what your history is but the thing is, I was never shocked by this, physically hurt absolutely but not shocked.
It was something I had seen growing up so instead of what I assume to be a "normal" reaction - a complete rejection of anyone ever touching me in anger, I just took it on the chin (literally and figuratively!)
Eventually the physical violence stopped and became what you describe. I did argue back, I wasn't walking on eggshells, I spoke my piece - to a point. I always knew when the argument had hit that wall. That wall where if I said 10 more words I would be hit. Now, I never was again, however, it stopped me.
That is where you are, being silenced, ultimate control. He controls what you say and what you do.
I absolutely don't recommend confronting him, it will solve absolutely nothing and could well put you in a dangerous position.
I only mention this as you might want to have a look at why you have ended up in a relationship where someone is controlling you and your children's every move and you don't even think of that as abuse.
Oh and by the way, that person has a lot of good qualities too, can be kind and nice and thoughtful and supportive, that does not in any way cancel out abuse.
My first long term relationship was physically abusive. He was not an alcoholic but there was lots of alcohol involved initially (that stopped).
I don't know what your history is but the thing is, I was never shocked by this, physically hurt absolutely but not shocked.
It was something I had seen growing up so instead of what I assume to be a "normal" reaction - a complete rejection of anyone ever touching me in anger, I just took it on the chin (literally and figuratively!)
Eventually the physical violence stopped and became what you describe. I did argue back, I wasn't walking on eggshells, I spoke my piece - to a point. I always knew when the argument had hit that wall. That wall where if I said 10 more words I would be hit. Now, I never was again, however, it stopped me.
That is where you are, being silenced, ultimate control. He controls what you say and what you do.
I absolutely don't recommend confronting him, it will solve absolutely nothing and could well put you in a dangerous position.
I only mention this as you might want to have a look at why you have ended up in a relationship where someone is controlling you and your children's every move and you don't even think of that as abuse.
Oh and by the way, that person has a lot of good qualities too, can be kind and nice and thoughtful and supportive, that does not in any way cancel out abuse.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Thankyou. All these stories really hit me hard. It’s quite painful to read.. my reaction is a bit like “hey no..! You are all wrong! maybe I shouldn’t have told you all his bad traits because he has got good ones too..” but wow.. yeah there’s no denying the bad stuff still is true.
He seems to have some sort of radar going on as he is being extra nice to me right now.
He was watching a tv programme earlier and after it finished he put a game show on (which I hate) paused it then went into the kitchen to start cooking his tea (we eat separately most days as he doesn’t want to eat as early as I do) this time as I sat there with my own tea staring at the screen on pause I thought “sod it” and turned over to watch what I wanted. Oh he wasn’t happy about that when he came back in! But it didn’t escalate beyond a few sarcastic comments. I just realised how brainwashed I’ve become that normally I wouldn’t have done that and I think he was shocked too
I have almost finished codependent no more but can’t say I do identify with it much. I’m really finding the book too good to leave - too bad to stay helpful at the moment! I have downloaded a Lundy Bancroft book to start reading.
He seems to have some sort of radar going on as he is being extra nice to me right now.
He was watching a tv programme earlier and after it finished he put a game show on (which I hate) paused it then went into the kitchen to start cooking his tea (we eat separately most days as he doesn’t want to eat as early as I do) this time as I sat there with my own tea staring at the screen on pause I thought “sod it” and turned over to watch what I wanted. Oh he wasn’t happy about that when he came back in! But it didn’t escalate beyond a few sarcastic comments. I just realised how brainwashed I’ve become that normally I wouldn’t have done that and I think he was shocked too
I have almost finished codependent no more but can’t say I do identify with it much. I’m really finding the book too good to leave - too bad to stay helpful at the moment! I have downloaded a Lundy Bancroft book to start reading.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by RainingButtons 
Thankyou. All these stories really hit me hard. It’s quite painful to read.. my reaction is a bit like “hey no..! You are all wrong! maybe I shouldn’t have told you all his bad traits because he has got good ones too..” but wow.. yeah there’s no denying the bad stuff still is true.
The problem is, it's not a zero game. There cannot be balance. While you might be able to balance something normal like - he always forgets to take the garbage out! But always empties the dishwasher in the morning - you can't do that with abuse.
There can never be anything to balance that out because it's so destructive to those involved, emotionally destructive. For whatever reason the person that is abused often will stay. Whether that's because the abuse has been normalized or because the person has become so worn down it just doesn't seem worth fighting about anymore or taking any action.
Just know I'm not judging you at all, I realize fully that he must also have good traits. Only you can decide when you and your children have had enough, if ever.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
RainingButtons.......It may well be that if your marriage has elements of abuse going on....you might identify more with Lundy Bancroft's book than "Co-dependent no more".....
There is an interesting article on a current thread with an article discussing this....that some of the techniques that are helpful with partners of substance abuse may be actually harmful in situations of abuse.....(like detachment and confrontation, etc...)
There is an interesting article on a current thread with an article discussing this....that some of the techniques that are helpful with partners of substance abuse may be actually harmful in situations of abuse.....(like detachment and confrontation, etc...)
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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RainingButto ns...I can't find the article that I mentioned above....maybe someone else can help me find it...?
Sorry.
However, here is an article that contains the same basic content.....and I think you might find it very helpful for you
https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-pa...rs-codependent
Sorry.
However, here is an article that contains the same basic content.....and I think you might find it very helpful for you
https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-pa...rs-codependent
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
The Cycle of Abuse usually goes in the following order, and will repeat until the conflict is stopped, usually by the survivor entirely abandoning the relationship[4] or some form of intervention.[5] The cycle can occur hundreds of times in an abusive relationship, the total cycle taking anywhere from a few hours, to a year or more to complete. However, the length of the cycle usually diminishes over time so that the "reconciliation" and "calm" stages may disappear,[citation needed] violence becomes more intense and the cycles become more frequent.
1: Tension building
Stress builds from the pressures of daily life, like conflict over children, marital issues, misunderstandings, or other family conflicts. It also builds as the result of illness, legal or financial problems, unemployment, or catastrophic events, like floods, rape or war. During this period, the abuser feels ignored, threatened, annoyed or wronged. The feeling lasts on average several minutes to hours, it may last as much as several months.
To prevent violence, the victim may try to reduce the tension by becoming compliant and nurturing. Or, to get the abuse over with, prepare for the violence or lessen the degree of injury, the victim may provoke the batterer. "However, at no time is the batterer justified in engaging in violent or abusive behavior," said Scott Allen Johnson, author of Physical Abusers and Sexual Offenders.
2: Acute violence
Characterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents which may be preceded by verbal abuse and include psychological abuse.
During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate their partner (survivor) with the use of domestic violence.
In intimate partner violence, children are negatively affected by having witnessed the violence and the partner's relationship degrades as well. The release of energy reduces the tension, and the abuser may feel or express that the victim "had it coming" to them.
3: Reconciliation/honeymoon
The perpetrator may begin to feel remorse, guilty feelings, or fear that their partner will leave or call the police. The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation, disrespect, confusion, and may mistakenly feel responsible.
Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident, this phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do their best to change. During this stage the abuser may feel or claim to feel overwhelming remorse and sadness. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection. The abuser may use self-harm or threats of suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship. Abusers are frequently so convincing, and survivors so eager for the relationship to improve, that survivors (who are often worn down and confused by longstanding abuse) stay in the relationship.
4: Calm
During this phase (which is often considered an element of the honeymoon/reconciliation phase), the relationship is relatively calm and peaceable. During this period the abuser may agree to engage in counseling, ask for forgiveness, and create a normal atmosphere. In intimate partner relationships, the perpetrator may buy presents or the couple may engage in passionate sex. Over time, the batterer's apologies and requests for forgiveness become less sincere and are generally stated to prevent separation or intervention.
However, interpersonal difficulties will inevitably arise, leading again to the tension building phase. The effect of the continual cycle may include loss of love, contempt, distress, and/or physical disability. Intimate partners may separate, divorce or, at the extreme, someone may be killed.
1: Tension building
Stress builds from the pressures of daily life, like conflict over children, marital issues, misunderstandings, or other family conflicts. It also builds as the result of illness, legal or financial problems, unemployment, or catastrophic events, like floods, rape or war. During this period, the abuser feels ignored, threatened, annoyed or wronged. The feeling lasts on average several minutes to hours, it may last as much as several months.
To prevent violence, the victim may try to reduce the tension by becoming compliant and nurturing. Or, to get the abuse over with, prepare for the violence or lessen the degree of injury, the victim may provoke the batterer. "However, at no time is the batterer justified in engaging in violent or abusive behavior," said Scott Allen Johnson, author of Physical Abusers and Sexual Offenders.
2: Acute violence
Characterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents which may be preceded by verbal abuse and include psychological abuse.
During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate their partner (survivor) with the use of domestic violence.
In intimate partner violence, children are negatively affected by having witnessed the violence and the partner's relationship degrades as well. The release of energy reduces the tension, and the abuser may feel or express that the victim "had it coming" to them.
3: Reconciliation/honeymoon
The perpetrator may begin to feel remorse, guilty feelings, or fear that their partner will leave or call the police. The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation, disrespect, confusion, and may mistakenly feel responsible.
Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident, this phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do their best to change. During this stage the abuser may feel or claim to feel overwhelming remorse and sadness. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection. The abuser may use self-harm or threats of suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship. Abusers are frequently so convincing, and survivors so eager for the relationship to improve, that survivors (who are often worn down and confused by longstanding abuse) stay in the relationship.
4: Calm
During this phase (which is often considered an element of the honeymoon/reconciliation phase), the relationship is relatively calm and peaceable. During this period the abuser may agree to engage in counseling, ask for forgiveness, and create a normal atmosphere. In intimate partner relationships, the perpetrator may buy presents or the couple may engage in passionate sex. Over time, the batterer's apologies and requests for forgiveness become less sincere and are generally stated to prevent separation or intervention.
However, interpersonal difficulties will inevitably arise, leading again to the tension building phase. The effect of the continual cycle may include loss of love, contempt, distress, and/or physical disability. Intimate partners may separate, divorce or, at the extreme, someone may be killed.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by dandylion
RainingButto ns...I can't find the article that I mentioned above....maybe someone else can help me find it...?
Sorry.
However, here is an article that contains the same basic content.....and I think you might find it very helpful for you
https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-pa...rs-codependent
Sorry.
However, here is an article that contains the same basic content.....and I think you might find it very helpful for you
https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-pa...rs-codependent
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-partners.html (DV and Chemically involved partners)
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by dandylion
RainingButto ns...I can't find the article that I mentioned above....maybe someone else can help me find it...?
Sorry.
However, here is an article that contains the same basic content.....and I think you might find it very helpful for you
https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-pa...rs-codependent
Sorry.
However, here is an article that contains the same basic content.....and I think you might find it very helpful for you
https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-pa...rs-codependent
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
my reaction is a bit like “hey no..! You are all wrong! maybe I shouldn’t have told you all his bad traits because he has got good ones too..” but wow.. yeah there’s no denying the bad stuff still is true.
Raining Buttons no one could have persuaded me I was being abused at the time but no doubt I was. My kids knew it and my closest friends, people here pointed it out but my yard stick was my childhood which was truly awful. I am 4 years single and even now I still check if stuff people do or say to me is OK or not cos I had no idea of normality. None. It's an everyday wip.
Raining Buttons no one could have persuaded me I was being abused at the time but no doubt I was. My kids knew it and my closest friends, people here pointed it out but my yard stick was my childhood which was truly awful. I am 4 years single and even now I still check if stuff people do or say to me is OK or not cos I had no idea of normality. None. It's an everyday wip.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Good morning, buttons,
This kind of information can be, I admit, a lot to take on board. It took me years of being a member here before I admitted to myself that my ex-husband was abusive. I was involved in this type of relationship with him holding me hostage to his many problems:
It's OK to be a overwhelmed by this at first. Take your time, think, read, allow these new ideas to percolate and decide for yourself what fits, and what doesn't. We are here to support you and be your safe place to vent.
This kind of information can be, I admit, a lot to take on board. It took me years of being a member here before I admitted to myself that my ex-husband was abusive. I was involved in this type of relationship with him holding me hostage to his many problems:
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
the victim-perpetrator-rescuer triangle (lots of abusers do it by victimizing themselves so that your entire life ends up revolving around their mental health issues or addictions
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Originally Posted by Seren
Good morning, buttons,
This kind of information can be, I admit, a lot to take on board. It took me years of being a member here before I admitted to myself that my ex-husband was abusive. I was involved in this type of relationship with him holding me hostage to his many problems:
It's OK to be a overwhelmed by this at first. Take your time, think, read, allow these new ideas to percolate and decide for yourself what fits, and what doesn't. We are here to support you and be your safe place to vent.
This kind of information can be, I admit, a lot to take on board. It took me years of being a member here before I admitted to myself that my ex-husband was abusive. I was involved in this type of relationship with him holding me hostage to his many problems:
It's OK to be a overwhelmed by this at first. Take your time, think, read, allow these new ideas to percolate and decide for yourself what fits, and what doesn't. We are here to support you and be your safe place to vent.
This forum feels like being handed a parachute and a group of people holding out a mattress to catch you. 😊
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Just want to remind anyone who is in an abusive relationship... remember to clear your browser history. Also put a password on your phone if you are looking at SR on your phone. And do not post anything with names or other potentially identifying information. Safety first.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Like Seren, I spent years just thinking that my ex was "sick" and that I needed to help him. If I didn't focus all my attention on him, there would be heck to pay -- he would do something really histrionic... sometimes even days later. I wish he had simply been a fall-down drunk.
Abuse is always about contempt and control and there's more than one way an abuser can control their victim. Using physical force is one way and usually a last resort after a period of using other (less demanding) tactics. Manipulation is what they spend 99% of their time doing. If they had to spend all their time using physical force, they would get tired really quickly. This is why the torturers used water torture and force-feeding in Guantanamo Bay instead of simply going into the cells and punching them (although they may have done that from time to time.)
I am not sure if I have said this before, but couples counseling does NOT work in an abusive relationship. So please make a note of that. I was completely re-victimized by our couples counselor, who told me that I had to shift my boundaries (AH used to call the counselor in secret, fake cry, and tell the counselor lies).
Abuse is always about contempt and control and there's more than one way an abuser can control their victim. Using physical force is one way and usually a last resort after a period of using other (less demanding) tactics. Manipulation is what they spend 99% of their time doing. If they had to spend all their time using physical force, they would get tired really quickly. This is why the torturers used water torture and force-feeding in Guantanamo Bay instead of simply going into the cells and punching them (although they may have done that from time to time.)
I am not sure if I have said this before, but couples counseling does NOT work in an abusive relationship. So please make a note of that. I was completely re-victimized by our couples counselor, who told me that I had to shift my boundaries (AH used to call the counselor in secret, fake cry, and tell the counselor lies).
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