I think I belong here!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4
I think I belong here!
I’ve been googling many of my issues and keep finding my answers on this forum, so I figured I might as well join!
I’ve been married for 12.5 years but I am currently separated and will likely be divorced soon. When I first met AH, it was at a party. I saw lots of red flags because he never stopped at a single drink, but I ignored the signs, especially since he was constantly telling me (unprompted) that he was scared of becoming an alcoholic like everyone else in his family. We got married and when I was 8 months pregnant he had a major realization - that he was about to become a father and he didn’t want our child to suffer the way he had. I was so proud of him! Though he didn’t abstain from alcohol, he limited himself to occasional nights vs every chance he got. He still couldn’t stop at one though, and that caused him to really space out his nights out.
Fast forward to almost 4 years ago. By that point we had 3 children and I’d been a SAHM since #2 was born, at his insistence. I discovered he was having an emotional affair 😞. To add insult to injury, I was stuck on crutches and had been for months due to a non-healing heel fracture and he used my inability to keep up with the house as his excuse. To say I was upset would be an understatement, made worse by his refusal to end things in front of me. At that point, he started bringing wine home with him. Remember the not stopping at 1 drink? He quickly settled into a routine of a full bottle (at least!) right after work, then would lash out at me for not just getting over his affair. My depression, which had been under control, took a nose dive and I begged him to stop drinking - letting him know how each drink felt like an insult because he couldn’t be sober around me.
The next 3 years, it got worse. My depression worsened even more, and no medication seemed to help - especially since I was dealing with an alcoholic in denial who decided my depression was just laziness.
This past September AH came home early from work to tell me he wanted a separation, that he needed to move out and “figure himself out”. He admitted that he’d noticed a huge change in me (finally found the right medicine!), but that it wasn’t enough. Of course, he swore up and down that there was nobody else and claimed he was sick of me thinking he was an alcoholic (the irony is that he was drinking at noon telling me this). He claims he drinks to cope with being around me, and that his therapist assured him he didn’t have a problem since he “only has a drink a few nights a week”. Obviously he neglected to inform her that a “drink” was a bottle or a couple 6 packs 🙄.
He has had his own apartment for 6 months now (1 bedroom, no furniture except an air mattress), I’m sure it’s no surprise that his drinking has only gotten worse - to the point where I won’t let him take the kids there after my oldest called me to complain that he’d passed out without getting them dinner (I picked them all up!), followed by another overnight attempt that ended in him driving them home drunk 😡😡😡. My 6 year old walked in, exclaiming that they were lucky to be alive, because “daddy was so drunk he couldn’t walk” 😡.
He filed for divorce after I informed his girlfriend (knew there was a reason behind moving!) that he was married. I’m constantly raged at for that, to the point that I’m actually starting to believe that everything is my fault and I find myself questioning if I’m imagining his addiction! I know I’m not, but there’s only so much fight left in me.
So that’s my very long introduction! Currently we are awaiting results from our psych exams (he’d only do it if I would). Custody is going to be a huge fight - he’s trying to force me into mediation so the judge won’t hear me - unfortunately for him he confessed to the driving drunk via text. He wants 50/50, which isn’t happening at this point. He still, 6 months after moving, hasn’t gotten any type of beds for the kids, he travels frequently (enough that every other weekend would be hard for him) and rarely spends more than a couple hours with the kids before can’t take it anymore and bails to go drink. In 7 months, he’s only had them for 24 hour stretches twice, and those were supposed to be full weekends).
I’ve been married for 12.5 years but I am currently separated and will likely be divorced soon. When I first met AH, it was at a party. I saw lots of red flags because he never stopped at a single drink, but I ignored the signs, especially since he was constantly telling me (unprompted) that he was scared of becoming an alcoholic like everyone else in his family. We got married and when I was 8 months pregnant he had a major realization - that he was about to become a father and he didn’t want our child to suffer the way he had. I was so proud of him! Though he didn’t abstain from alcohol, he limited himself to occasional nights vs every chance he got. He still couldn’t stop at one though, and that caused him to really space out his nights out.
Fast forward to almost 4 years ago. By that point we had 3 children and I’d been a SAHM since #2 was born, at his insistence. I discovered he was having an emotional affair 😞. To add insult to injury, I was stuck on crutches and had been for months due to a non-healing heel fracture and he used my inability to keep up with the house as his excuse. To say I was upset would be an understatement, made worse by his refusal to end things in front of me. At that point, he started bringing wine home with him. Remember the not stopping at 1 drink? He quickly settled into a routine of a full bottle (at least!) right after work, then would lash out at me for not just getting over his affair. My depression, which had been under control, took a nose dive and I begged him to stop drinking - letting him know how each drink felt like an insult because he couldn’t be sober around me.
The next 3 years, it got worse. My depression worsened even more, and no medication seemed to help - especially since I was dealing with an alcoholic in denial who decided my depression was just laziness.
This past September AH came home early from work to tell me he wanted a separation, that he needed to move out and “figure himself out”. He admitted that he’d noticed a huge change in me (finally found the right medicine!), but that it wasn’t enough. Of course, he swore up and down that there was nobody else and claimed he was sick of me thinking he was an alcoholic (the irony is that he was drinking at noon telling me this). He claims he drinks to cope with being around me, and that his therapist assured him he didn’t have a problem since he “only has a drink a few nights a week”. Obviously he neglected to inform her that a “drink” was a bottle or a couple 6 packs 🙄.
He has had his own apartment for 6 months now (1 bedroom, no furniture except an air mattress), I’m sure it’s no surprise that his drinking has only gotten worse - to the point where I won’t let him take the kids there after my oldest called me to complain that he’d passed out without getting them dinner (I picked them all up!), followed by another overnight attempt that ended in him driving them home drunk 😡😡😡. My 6 year old walked in, exclaiming that they were lucky to be alive, because “daddy was so drunk he couldn’t walk” 😡.
He filed for divorce after I informed his girlfriend (knew there was a reason behind moving!) that he was married. I’m constantly raged at for that, to the point that I’m actually starting to believe that everything is my fault and I find myself questioning if I’m imagining his addiction! I know I’m not, but there’s only so much fight left in me.
So that’s my very long introduction! Currently we are awaiting results from our psych exams (he’d only do it if I would). Custody is going to be a huge fight - he’s trying to force me into mediation so the judge won’t hear me - unfortunately for him he confessed to the driving drunk via text. He wants 50/50, which isn’t happening at this point. He still, 6 months after moving, hasn’t gotten any type of beds for the kids, he travels frequently (enough that every other weekend would be hard for him) and rarely spends more than a couple hours with the kids before can’t take it anymore and bails to go drink. In 7 months, he’s only had them for 24 hour stretches twice, and those were supposed to be full weekends).
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Welcome to the forum! After reading your post....yep, you belong here. None of us want to be in this club, but since we are here, there is a whole lot of understanding and support from all the members.
I know about the depression, I've suffered with it all of my life. And I definitely know its hard enough dealing with chronic depression, without being blamed for it. That just makes it so much worse. Glad you found a medication that works, it can be really hard and discouraging when you have to try one after another.
Nothing he says or does is in any way, shape, or form your fault. None of it. Ever! His drinking and alcohlism is all him. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Big, big hugs to you.
I know about the depression, I've suffered with it all of my life. And I definitely know its hard enough dealing with chronic depression, without being blamed for it. That just makes it so much worse. Glad you found a medication that works, it can be really hard and discouraging when you have to try one after another.
Nothing he says or does is in any way, shape, or form your fault. None of it. Ever! His drinking and alcohlism is all him. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Big, big hugs to you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Leigh, what a horrible situation you find yourself in, but you seem to be thinking things through and looking after your children in the best way. The 50/50 custody bid sounds ridiculous and is probably done out of anger and a wish to avoid support payments. He obviously doesn't have what it takes to look after them.
Had to smile about the moving out to 'find himself'. I think the standard translation is 'girlfriend'.
You don't mention your legal advice. Do you have any? These battles of attrition can go on for a long time, and good legal advice can cut through the BS. I assume you're saving and diarising every incident and text to establish a pattern? The law can be really obtuse about addiction.
Are you getting support for yourself through this process with counselling, al-anon, friends, family? It will help a lot for you to have a strong support network. I found SR through Googling and it's be fantastic for me in maintaining sobriety. Have a good look around and read the stickies at the top of this forums home page. You'll learn a lot.
Had to smile about the moving out to 'find himself'. I think the standard translation is 'girlfriend'.
You don't mention your legal advice. Do you have any? These battles of attrition can go on for a long time, and good legal advice can cut through the BS. I assume you're saving and diarising every incident and text to establish a pattern? The law can be really obtuse about addiction.
Are you getting support for yourself through this process with counselling, al-anon, friends, family? It will help a lot for you to have a strong support network. I found SR through Googling and it's be fantastic for me in maintaining sobriety. Have a good look around and read the stickies at the top of this forums home page. You'll learn a lot.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Aleigh, yes you most definitely belong to this club and welcome!
You sound like a very brave lady keeping everything together for the kids. Ensure you keep a record of everything between you from now on. I am not sure what the divorce laws are like in your state/country but keep all evidence. He most definitely should not be anywhere near the kids and if he doesn't recognise he has a problem, even more so. Your priority should be yourself and your children.
Apart from being an alcoholic he is also a lying cheat and you are well rid of him. Remember his cheating is not your fault, alcoholics and cheaters lie to themselves and blame everyone else for their problems. You have enough monkeys to deal with do not take on his monkeys. You have to get yourself into Al Anon to work through your issues. YOur kids probably need to be in Alateen (if they are old enough). Alcoholism is a family disease and the kids are affected too.
Do you have family/friends you can rely on as a support network?
You sound like a very brave lady keeping everything together for the kids. Ensure you keep a record of everything between you from now on. I am not sure what the divorce laws are like in your state/country but keep all evidence. He most definitely should not be anywhere near the kids and if he doesn't recognise he has a problem, even more so. Your priority should be yourself and your children.
Apart from being an alcoholic he is also a lying cheat and you are well rid of him. Remember his cheating is not your fault, alcoholics and cheaters lie to themselves and blame everyone else for their problems. You have enough monkeys to deal with do not take on his monkeys. You have to get yourself into Al Anon to work through your issues. YOur kids probably need to be in Alateen (if they are old enough). Alcoholism is a family disease and the kids are affected too.
Do you have family/friends you can rely on as a support network?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4
Thank you for the welcome 😄. I have support from friends who are divorced and support from friends who’ve dealt with addiction, but nobody IRL who’s dealt with both with young children involved. They are 11, 9 and 6 and my heart breaks for them 😞. They don’t know their dad is a cheater (actually I think oldest has a pretty good idea based on some hints he’s dropped), but they are very aware of the alcohol problem. In fact, after AH moved out, they presented me with a list of qualities they demand for my next husband 😮! They want someone who doesn’t have to get drunk to spend time with them and who doesn’t break his promises 😥. I hadn’t even mentioned divorce at that point!
The legal battle is rough. I know he’s freaked out about the money he’ll owe so he’s constantly trying to guilt me into going to mediation and getting rid of my attorney - he’s always been able to convince me to do what he wants before, but my desire to protect my children has given me strength I didn’t know I had! We are awaiting the psych exam results, which I’m very nervous about. I was reassured that there are trick questions in the test portion that reveal the truth, no matter how good a person is at faking, but we are talking about a man who has convinced himself he’s done nothing wrong and who has been trained to pass lie detector tests.
I am a master at documenting though! I’ve tracked his time with the kids, every no show or excuse, every text is saved and he’s naive enough not to realize that by using Mperks (Meijer grocery store loyalty program) I even have digital receipts of his daily alcohol purchases!
The legal battle is rough. I know he’s freaked out about the money he’ll owe so he’s constantly trying to guilt me into going to mediation and getting rid of my attorney - he’s always been able to convince me to do what he wants before, but my desire to protect my children has given me strength I didn’t know I had! We are awaiting the psych exam results, which I’m very nervous about. I was reassured that there are trick questions in the test portion that reveal the truth, no matter how good a person is at faking, but we are talking about a man who has convinced himself he’s done nothing wrong and who has been trained to pass lie detector tests.
I am a master at documenting though! I’ve tracked his time with the kids, every no show or excuse, every text is saved and he’s naive enough not to realize that by using Mperks (Meijer grocery store loyalty program) I even have digital receipts of his daily alcohol purchases!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Hi, welcome to the forum! I’m new here too and have to say it’s the most helpful place I’ve found after doing what you’ve done and google everything lately! I would be embarrassed if anyone saw my google search terms 😂
I have 4 children age 9, 12, 17 and 20 they all live at home with me and I’m still with my AH. I just wanted to say how brave you are for leaving and facing all this head on. I’m teetering on the edge of indecision and it’s a horrible place to be as I’m sure you know. Good luck and have faith in the court system- I did go through this with my first husband and it was not an easy experience but ultimately they did what was right and my ex had to see the two children via a contact centre for a while until he’d proved himself. They were 5 and 8 at the time. He just was using the court system to get control over me and when he finally got the court order that he could have them weekends and holidays well guess what? He started making excuses not to see them!!! After 2 years of courts, psyce tests, cafcass assessments!! He ended up seeing them twice a year if that! Oh yes he always made a huge fuss over wanting them for Father’s Day and Christmas but as soon as I said “ok” he backed off. Suddenly he would be sick or working all weekend or whatever. ultimately they no longer bother with him now they are much older. X
I have 4 children age 9, 12, 17 and 20 they all live at home with me and I’m still with my AH. I just wanted to say how brave you are for leaving and facing all this head on. I’m teetering on the edge of indecision and it’s a horrible place to be as I’m sure you know. Good luck and have faith in the court system- I did go through this with my first husband and it was not an easy experience but ultimately they did what was right and my ex had to see the two children via a contact centre for a while until he’d proved himself. They were 5 and 8 at the time. He just was using the court system to get control over me and when he finally got the court order that he could have them weekends and holidays well guess what? He started making excuses not to see them!!! After 2 years of courts, psyce tests, cafcass assessments!! He ended up seeing them twice a year if that! Oh yes he always made a huge fuss over wanting them for Father’s Day and Christmas but as soon as I said “ok” he backed off. Suddenly he would be sick or working all weekend or whatever. ultimately they no longer bother with him now they are much older. X
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
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I think the hardest part of this whole thing for me is accepting that the man I married, love and had children with has been consumed by alcohol and resentment. I’m struggling with giving up on finding that man again! It’s so frustrating watching him fall deeper into depression, using alcohol to self medicate and then getting worse, all the while crying about how miserable his life is. I just want to shake him and scream that he’ll never get out of that mindset until he stops drinking!!!
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