Carrie2015

I have not posted anything here for awhile. In summary, I have an adult daughter who had a brain injury 5 years ago, which led to a tremendous amount of suffering and chaos. Her alcoholic boyfriend's drinking went up. This was about 4 years ago. He moved out from living with her and his drinking increased. They got back together a year later. He lied about his stopping drinking and she lied about how bad her brain injury symptoms were. Immediately she became pregnant by him. I don't even need to explain how awful this was to everyone, except for them. Her pregnancy was very difficult due to her injury. My daughter kept making lines in the sand about his drinking and of course he kept on crossing them. He was drunk the night their baby was born. Fast forward, the boyfriend has been sober and in AA for about 1.5 years. Eight months ago he had a sexual affair with a fellow AA newbie. My daughter kicked him out.

What is my part? My daughter is an adult on medical disability and I take care of all paperwork, social services, and help support her financially. Because the boyfriend was kicked out she can't afford the rent anymore. I live in a studio so she and her son can't move in, our County has been decimated by fires so there are no rentals. Her dad moved to another State. So, I decided to buy a small home with my retirement money to provide a home for my daughter and grandbaby. I am excited about this, it seem really healthy for all of us.

Lately my daughter has been expressing her wish to eventually get back with her boyfriend. Which is not my business . But it's hard to see the merry go round with this couple. Her boyfriend doesn't pay full child support and it's random. In the meantime, he is temporarily living with my daughter because he lost his last place; he doesn't pay rent.

Here are my concerns. How do I make healthy boundaries for myself without trying to control my daughter's choices. I hope the boyfriend finds true recovery and can step up to take care of his own family. But honestly, I doubt it. And doubting it makes my daughter feel hurt. How do I keep my new home safe for ME. I don't want him dropping by to hang out, I don't want to babysit when they go out on a date; this is not to control THEM but keep me from getting a resentment. I have spent five years watching this horribly painful drama play out. When I offered to buy a home we could all live in my daughter said she was done with him.

Advice Please !

Carrie

hopeful4

Hi Carrie!

My advise would be that you will have to have this conversation with your daughter, and she may not like it, but you have to do it anyways. It's your house, and you have to have boundaries. If not, you are going to end up supporting all three of them, and having them all live with you. Making you miserable in the process.

Does your daughter have a caseworker who can assist with some of the things you do? It seems like you take care of an awful lot. Now that she has a child, I would be putting that child first.

Sending big hugs because I know it's hard!

Carrie2015

Thank you. We will have to start talking at greater depth. It started today when she asked if I would babysit tonight so the boyfriend and she could go on a "date". I said no. I just can't. I explained my concerns and all replies were defensive. She defends her position by pointing out that she has no interest in getting back with him. What then, what the heck in a "date". Maybe she and I need to see a therapist. uggg.

dandylion

Carrie....I don't know if you have thought of this or not....but, have you considered taking her to a gynecologist for some sort of long term contraception.?
Otherwise, you might find yourself with more grandchildren to raise....

Also, I think that it would be important to set boundaries, now. It is always much easier to keep someone out that to get them out after they have established residence in your house.

hopeful4

Agree with Dandy.

The reality is, a date is a date. It sure sounds "together." I would say you are going to have to be firm in your boundaries, and she likely won't like it. I always encourage therapy, while it's hard, it does accomplish movement.

Big hugs.

FeelingGreat

Hi Carrie, buying a home sounds like a good investment for you, as long as you're financially covered in other ways. You can't work forever.

You say you're 'excited' about the house for you, your DD and GC. Be careful - the idea of you living happily together without the BF is already unrealistic. Even if she doesn't end up with him, she may find someone else, have more children etc. She's already shown a lack of long-term thinking on this subject. Brain damage or not, she probably wants a relationship just like other women.

Your decision must be based on what's in your best interest, because at some stage you won't be working and will have to support your own retirement.

Getting financially involved with children can be a terrible idea unless it's done with wide-open eyes and lots of professional advice. Example - you rent a house to them and they resent you when you raise the rent. I have a 'no loan' policy with my adult children; if I choose to give financial help I do it as a gift, like when they bought their own houses and I contributed to expenses.

My suggestion is to talk to an experienced qualified financial advisor who can point out pitfalls and how to avoid them.

trailmix

Personally I think buying the house and having them live with you is a bad idea.

It's not going to work. As has been pointed out, even if she doesn't end up with this guy, she will probably want a relationship in the future.

So playing that out, she wants to go on a date. Who will babysit? Are you comfortable with her hiring a babysitter and having the babysitter sitting with you there on Friday nights? Say she does get back together with this guy, what are the rules, can she not invite him over for lunch?

It will be her home too and she has to have that freedom.

I can't see how it will work for you at all.

I would buy a house for myself and she can rent your studio perhaps.

You mentioned you are helping her financially, I gather that is with rent, so you are already supporting him since he's living there - terrible situation, i'm sorry you are in it. I would be getting her name on any rental waiting list available, including shared accommodation and perhaps subsidized due to her disability.

DontRemember

I'd think long and hard about this. I understand helping our kids(no grandkids yet here:knock on wood,but there's NO WAY i'd help my daughter, that I'd kill for,put a roof over some deadbeat clowns head on my dime.

Ladybird579

I am on the other side of this. I had a traumatic brain injury and did some very stupid things as a result, including marrying my now exah. From your post it sounds like your daughter is already back with her bf and they are living together again so why can't he just pay rent like he did before? Also if he got kicked out this place which is unclear why was he allowed back? Awful to say it but you may need to take a back seat and let her muddle through her own life. No one, helped me. I eventually recovered enough to sort out my own stuff but my parents, family and friends let me get on with it. In the meantime...yeah I did stuff I regret and so will she but you can't stop her. Her choices possibly stem from feeling like she is not good enough for anyone else anymore. Mine were. My brain injury sucked all my confidence and made me feel stupid and worthless. That could be something to work on if she is willing.

atalose

Personally I think that is a very bad idea given the past facts along with the current facts regarding your daughters choices regarding the alcoholic and their dysfunctional on again off again relationship. The history of them having no money, him currently having no money and freeloading off your daughter and his history of not even taking responsibility to fully pay child support.

You will end up with all of them freeloading off your hard earned RETIREMENT.

Say you set some strong boundaries and she/he do not follow them, are you prepared to kick her out of your new home? Are you emotional prepared to kick your grandchild out? Are you financially prepared to support ALL OF THEM?

Unfortunately by not having your daughter live with you . You certainly can't control her bad decisions but you CAN control those decisions NOT impacting YOUR home, YOUR retirement and YOUR serenity.