Do you know the difference between a survivor & a victim?
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by firebolt 
^^ Ugg FS - I swear we have the same mom.
Shes in complete "life sucks" mode since we lost my dad 2 years ago. I cannot imagine losing a spouse after 40 years of marriage, however I don't remember her really being happy EVER.
Now shes spiraling on "I don't know you kids, I don't even know your favorite color!" I'm sure she feels that way to an extent...we don't keep in touch as much as we probably should because it sucks so much out of us to talk to her at any length. Plus...part of me wants to blurt out "you don't know my favorite color because you'll just judge me for it!"
Arms length and boundaries have been a lifesaver...but it is still hard to see her that way, and the pull to fix things for her (from childhood) is still loud and strong. It's just so nice being able to see it and say "nope, not my $h!t".
Shes in complete "life sucks" mode since we lost my dad 2 years ago. I cannot imagine losing a spouse after 40 years of marriage, however I don't remember her really being happy EVER.
Now shes spiraling on "I don't know you kids, I don't even know your favorite color!" I'm sure she feels that way to an extent...we don't keep in touch as much as we probably should because it sucks so much out of us to talk to her at any length. Plus...part of me wants to blurt out "you don't know my favorite color because you'll just judge me for it!"
Arms length and boundaries have been a lifesaver...but it is still hard to see her that way, and the pull to fix things for her (from childhood) is still loud and strong. It's just so nice being able to see it and say "nope, not my $h!t".
Only difference is that this is my experience with my mom throughout my entire life until my recovery kicked into high gear...... 40+ years of that glass-half-empty-and-draining mindset. It has been grueling to identify & break those patterns & now I find that in the absence of all that negativity, there's no bond underneath to work with.
I do believe our ENTIRE relationship is based on Fear, Obligation & Guilt. I do believe this is still her definition of Love & I cannot find a way to interact with that which allows me to keep my boundaries & self-respect.
..... doing my Best.
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I do believe our ENTIRE relationship is based on Fear, Obligation & Guilt. I do believe this is still her definition of Love & I cannot find a way to interact with that which allows me to keep my boundaries & self-respect.
I am really struggling to break the patterns...especially in a positive way. I still tend to default to cutting or defensive remarks to get her to stop criticizing rather than just saying "I have to go." A work in progress....right?!
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Join Date: Nov 2017
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Love this!
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Original Thread Here:https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...aftermath.html (The aftermath)
It took me a while to dig this back up out of an old thread but it was worth it.
So which label do you identify most with in your recovery right now?
Are you holding tightly to your past & letting your wounds speak for you?
Or are you recovering?... .and if so - let's talk a bit about THAT instead of all this chatter dissecting the qualifying reasons we're all here.
None of us need to continue validating that we belong here..... even if your path has had many setbacks or obstacles..... but what are we all DOING about it?
How are you moving beyond surviving & into Thriving?
It took me a while to dig this back up out of an old thread but it was worth it.
So which label do you identify most with in your recovery right now?
Are you holding tightly to your past & letting your wounds speak for you?
Or are you recovering?... .and if so - let's talk a bit about THAT instead of all this chatter dissecting the qualifying reasons we're all here.
None of us need to continue validating that we belong here..... even if your path has had many setbacks or obstacles..... but what are we all DOING about it?
How are you moving beyond surviving & into Thriving?
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